92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships (15 page)

Be on guard. Don’t use any clichés when chatting with

big winners. Don’t even touch one with a ten-foot pole. Never? Not even when hell freezes over? Not unless you

want to sound dumb as a doorknob.

Instead of coughing up a cliché, roll your own

clever phrases by using the next technique.

03 (093-142B) part three 8/14/03 9:17 AM Page 121

✰
31
How to Use

Motivational Speakers’

Techniques to Enhance

Your Conversation

They say the pen is mightier than the sword. It is, but the tongue is even mightier than the pen. Our tongues can bring crowds to laughter, to tears, and often to their feet in shouting appreciation. Orators have moved nations to war or brought lost souls to God. And what is their equipment? The same eyes, ears, hands, legs, arms, and vocal chords you and I have.

Perhaps a professional athlete has a stronger body or a professional singer is blessed with a more beautiful singing voice than the one we were doled out. But the professional speaker starts out with the same equipment we all have. The difference is, these jawsmiths use it all. They use their hands, they use their bodies, and they use specific gestures with heavy impact. They think about the space they’re talking in. They employ many different tones of voice, they invoke various expressions, they vary the speed with which they speak . . . and they make effective use of silence. You may not have to make a formal speech anytime soon, but chances are sometime (probably very soon) you’re going to want
121

Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use. 03 (093-142B) part three 8/14/03 9:17 AM Page 122

122

How to Talk to Anyone

people to see things your way. Whether it’s persuading your family to spend their next vacation at Grandma’s, or convincing the stockholders in your multimillion-dollar corporation that it’s time to do a takeover, do it like a pro. Get a book or two on public speaking and learn some of the tricks of the trade. Then put some of that drama into your everyday conversation.

A Gem for Every Occasion

If stirring words help make your point, ponder the impact of powerful phrases. They’ve helped politicians get elected (“Read my lips: no new taxes.”) and defendants get acquitted (“If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”).

If George H. W. Bush had said, “I promise not to raise taxes,”

or Johnny Cochran, during O. J. Simpson’s criminal trial, had said,

“If the glove doesn’t fit, he must be innocent,” their bulky sentences would have slipped in and out of the voter’s or juror’s consciousness. As every politician and trial lawyer knows, neat phrases make powerful weapons. (If you’re not careful, your enemies will later use them against you—read my lips!)

One of my favorite speakers is a radio broadcaster named Barry Farber who brightens up late-night radio with sparkling similes. Barry would never use a cliché like “nervous as a cat on a hot tin roof.” He’d describe being nervous about losing his job as “I felt like an elephant dangling over a cliff with his tail tied to a daisy.” Instead of saying he looked at a pretty woman, he’d say,

“My eyeballs popped out and dangled by the optic nerve.”

When I first met him, I asked, “Mr. Farber, how do you come up with these phrases?”

“My daddy’s Mr. Farber. I’m Barry,” he chided (his way of saying, “Call me Barry”). He then candidly admitted, although some of his phrases are original, many are borrowed. (Elvis Presley used 03 (093-142B) part three 8/14/03 9:17 AM Page 123

How to Use Motivational Speakers’ Techniques to Enhance Your Conversation 123

to say, “My daddy’s Mr. Presley. Call me Elvis.”) Like all professional speakers, Barry spends several hours a week gleaning through books of quotations and humor. All professional speakers do. They collect bon mots they can use in a variety of situations—

most especially to scrape egg off their faces when something unexpected happens. Many speakers use author’s and speaker’s agent Lilly Walters’s face-saver lines from her book,
What to Say When You’re Dying on
the Platform
.16 If you tell a joke and no one laughs, try “That joke was designed to get a silent laugh—and it worked.” If the microphone lets out an agonizing howl, look at it and say, “I don’t understand. I brushed my teeth this morning.” If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, “Could you save that question until I’m finished—and well on my way home?” All pros think of holes they might fall into and then memorize great escape lines. You can do the same.

Look through books of similes to enrich your day-to-day conversations. Instead of “happy as a lark” try “happy as a lottery winner” or “happy as a baby with its first ice cream cone.” Instead of

“bald as an eagle,” try “bald as a new marine” or “bald as a bullfrog’s belly.” Instead of “quiet as a mouse,” try “quiet as an eel swimming in oil” or “quiet as a fly lighting on a feather duster.”

Find phrases that have visual impact. Instead of a cliché like

“sure as death and taxes,” try “as certain as beach traffic in July”

or “as sure as your shadow will follow you.” Your listeners can’t see death or taxes. But they sure can see beach traffic in July or their shadow following them down the street.

Try to make your similes relate to the situation. If you’re riding in a taxi with someone, “as sure as that taxi meter will rise” has immediate impact. If you’re talking with a man walking his dog,

“as sure as your dog is thinking about that tree” adds a touch of humor.

03 (093-142B) part three 8/14/03 9:17 AM Page 124

124

How to Talk to Anyone

Make ’Em Laugh, Make ’Em Laugh,

Make ’Em Laugh

Humor enriches any conversation. But not jokes starting with,

“Hey didja hear the one about . . . ?” Plan your humor and make it relevant. For example, if you’re going to a meeting on the budget, look up money in a quotation book. In an uptight business situation, a little levity shows you’re at ease.

Once, during an oppressive financial meeting, I heard a top executive say, “Don’t worry, this company has enough money to stay in business for years—unless we pay our creditors.” He broke the tension and won the appreciation of all. Later I saw a similar quote in a humor book attributed to Jackie Mason, the comedian. So what? The exec still came across as a cool communicator with his clever comment.

Big players who want to be quoted in the media lie awake at night gnawing the pillow trying to come up with phrases the press will pick up. A Michigan veterinarian named Timothy, a heavy hitter in his own field but completely unknown outside it, made national headlines when he planned to attach a pair of feet to a rooster who lost his to frostbite. Why? Because he called it a

“drumstick transplant.”

I don’t know if a French woman, Jeanne Calment, then officially the world’s oldest person, was looking for publicity on her 122nd birthday. But she made international headlines when she told the media, “I’ve only ever had one wrinkle, and I’m sitting on it.”

Mark Victor Hansen, a big player in his own field but once relatively unknown outside of it, was propelled into national prominence when he came up with a catchy name for his book coauthored with Jack Canfield,
Chicken Soup for the Soul
. He told me his original title was
101 Pretty Stories
. How far would that have gone? Soon the world was lapping up, among others, his
Chicken
03 (093-142B) part three 8/14/03 9:17 AM Page 125

How to Use Motivational Speakers’ Techniques to Enhance Your Conversation 125

Soup for the Woman’s Soul
,
Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul
,
Chicken Soup for the Mother’s Soul
,
Chicken Soup for the Christian
Soul
, plus second, third, and fourth servings of chicken soup in hardcover, paperback, audiocassette, videocassette, and calendars.
A Word of Warning

No matter how good your material is, it bombs if it doesn’t fit the situation. I learned this the hard way during my cruise ship days. On a cruise to England I decided to give my passengers a reading of the English love poems of Elizabeth Barrett and Robert Browning. You know, “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.” It was a BIG hit. The passengers loved it and raved for days. I couldn’t walk out on deck without some passenger turning to me and affectionately echoing, “How do I love thee?”

Technique #31

Us e Jawsmith’s Jiv e

Whether you’re standing behind a podium facing

thousands or behind the barbecue grill facing your

family, you’ll move, amuse, and motivate with the

same skills.

Read speakers’ books to cull quotations, pull pearls

of wisdom, and get gems to tickle their funny bones.

Find a few bon mots to let casually slide off your

tongue on chosen occasions. If you want to be notable,

dream up a crazy quotable.

Make ’em rhyme, make ’em clever, or make ’em

funny. Above all, make ’em relevant.

03 (093-142B) part three 8/14/03 9:17 AM Page 126

126

How to Talk to Anyone

Naturally I got a pretty swollen head over this performance and fancied myself an eminent poetry reader. I decided to reward the passengers on the next cruise (which was a cruise to the Caribbean and didn’t go anywhere in the neighborhood of England) with my spectacular reading of the English love poems. WHAT A BOMB! Passengers avoided me on the deck for the rest of the cruise. “How did you bore me? Let me count the ways.”

03 (093-142B) part three 8/14/03 9:17 AM Page 127

✰
32
How to Banter Like the

Big Shots Do (Big

Winners Tell It Like It Is)

If you stepped into an elevator full of people speaking Hungarian, you might not recognize they were Hungarian unless you spoke their language. However, the minute you opened your mouth, they’d recognize you’re not Hungarian.

It’s the same with the big cats. If you overhear several of them speaking, you might not recognize they’re big cats. However, the minute you opened your mouth they’d recognize you’re not a big cat, unless you spoke their lingo.

What are some differences between a big cat’s growl and a little cat’s insignificant hiss? One of the most blatant is euphemisms. Big cats aren’t afraid of real words. They call a spade a spade. Words like
toilet paper
don’t scare them. Little cats hide behind
bathroom tissue
. If somebody is rich, big cats call it “rich.” Little cats, oh so embarrassed at the concept of talking about money in polite company, substitute the word
wealthy
. When little cats use a substitute word or euphemism, they might as well be saying,

“Whoops, you are better than I am. I’m in polite company now and so I’ll use the nicey-nice word.”

Big cats are anatomically correct—no cutesy words for body parts. They’ll say “breasts” when they mean breasts. When they
127

Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use. 03 (093-142B) part three 8/14/03 9:17 AM Page 128

128

How to Talk to Anyone

say “knockers,” they mean decorative structures that hang on the front door. And “family jewels” are in the safe on the wall. If a big cat is ever in doubt about a word, he or she simply resorts to French. If they feel the word
buttocks
is debatable,
der-
riere
will do quite nicely, thank you.

Technique #32

Call a Spade a Spade

Don’t hide behind euphemisms. Call a spade a spade.

That doesn’t mean big cats use tasteless four-letter

words when perfectly decent five-and six-letter ones

exist. They’ve simply learned the King’s English, and

they speak it.

Here’s another way to tell the big players from the

little ones just by listening to a few minutes of their conversation.

03 (093-142B) part three 8/14/03 9:17 AM Page 129

✰
33
How to Avoid the

World’s Worst

Conversational Habit

Once I was at a small dinner party given by the president of an advertising agency, Louis, and his wife, Lillian. The evening started with cocktails, followed by a gourmet meal accompanied by a selection of excellent wines. The conversation had been convivial, the cuisine delicious, and the wine very fine. And very plentiful. At the end of the evening, Louis raised his glass to make a toast. A few wine droplets sloshed out of his glass onto the tablecloth.

A pretty young woman who was the date of a new art director named Bob giggled and said, “I can tell you’re feeling no pain.”

Shock waves went around the table. Everyone froze. The host was indeed a bit inebriated. However, alluding to Louis being a little looped, even in jest, was as though the woman had suddenly smashed the crystal chandelier above the table with her dinner plate.

One guest quickly covered the girl’s horrifying gaffe by lifting her glass and saying “None of us is. No one in the company of Louis and Lillian could ever feel any pain. Here’s to a truly wonderful evening.”

Louis then continued with his toast to the wonderful company, and no one was feeling pain any longer. Except Bob. He
129

Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use. 03 (093-142B) part three 8/14/03 9:17 AM Page 130

130

How to Talk to Anyone

knew his date’s innocent teasing was a black mark, if not in his personnel file, on his personal file.

The next sure sign of a little cathood is teasing. Little cats go around patting their friends’ paunches and saying, “Enjoying that cheesecake, huh?” Or looking at their balding heads and saying,

“Hey, hair today, gone tomorrow, huh?” They think it’s hilarious to make a quip at someone else’s expense and say “You don’t have an inferiority complex. You are inferior! Hardy har har.”

Technique #33

Trash the Te asing

A dead giveaway of a little cat is his or her proclivity to tease. An innocent joke at someone else’s expense may

get you a cheap laugh. Nevertheless, the big cats will

have the last one. Because you’ll bang your head against the glass ceiling they construct to keep little cats from stepping on their paws.

Never, ever, make a joke at anyone else’s expense.

You’ll wind up paying for it, dearly.

03 (093-142B) part three 8/14/03 9:17 AM Page 131

✰
34
How to Give Them the

Bad News (and Have

Them Like You All

the More)

In ancient Egypt, the pharaoh treated the humblest message runner like a prince when he arrived at the palace, if he brought good news. However, if the exhausted runner had the misfortune to bring the pharaoh unhappy news, his head was chopped off. Shades of that spirit pervade today’s conversations. Once a friend and I packed up some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for an outing. As we waltzed happily out the door, picnic basket in hand, a smiling neighbor, rocking away on his porch, looked up at the sky and said, “Oh boy, bad day for a picnic. The newscast says it’s going to rain.” I wanted to rub his face in my peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Not for his gloomy weather report, for his smile.

Several months ago I was racing to catch a bus. As I breathlessly shoved my handful of cash across the Greyhound counter, the grinning sales agent gushed, “Oh that bus left five minutes ago.” Dreams of decapitation!

It’s not the news that makes someone angry. It’s the unsympathetic attitude with which it’s delivered. Everyone must give bad
131

Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use. 03 (093-142B) part three 8/14/03 9:17 AM Page 132

132

How to Talk to Anyone

news from time to time, and winning professionals do it with the proper attitude. A doctor advising a patient she needs an operation does it with compassion. A boss informing an employee he didn’t get the job takes on a sympathetic demeanor. Grief counselors at airports after fatal crashes share the grief-stricken sentiment of relatives. Big winners know, when delivering any bad news, they should share the sentiment of the receiver.

Unfortunately, many people are not aware of this sensitivity. When you’re weary from a long flight, has a hotel clerk cheerfully chirped that your room isn’t ready yet? When you had your heart set on the roast beef, has your waiter merrily warbled that he just served the last piece? When you needed cash for the weekend, has your bank teller gleefully told you your account is overdrawn? It makes you as traveler, diner, or depositor want to put your fist right through their insensitive grins.

Technique #34

It’s the Rec eiv er’s Ball

A football player wouldn’t last two beats of the time

clock if he made blind passes. A pro throws the ball

with the receiver always in mind.

Before throwing out any news, keep your receiver in

mind. Then deliver it with a smile, a sigh, or a sob. Not according to how you feel about the news, but how the

receiver will take it.

Had my neighbor told me of the impending rainstorm with sympathy, I would have appreciated his warning. Had the Greyhound salesclerk sympathetically informed me that my bus had already left, I probably would have said, “Oh, that’s all right. 03 (093-142B) part three 8/14/03 9:17 AM Page 133

How to Give Them the Bad News (and Have Them Like You All the More) 133

I’ll catch the next one.” Big winners, when they bear bad news, deliver bombs with the emotion the bombarded person is sure to have.

Big winners know how to give bad news to people. They also know how not to give any news to anyone, even when people are pressuring them. Let’s explore that next.

03 (093-142B) part three 8/14/03 9:17 AM Page 134

✰
35
How to Respond When

You Don’t Want to

Answer (and Wish They’d

Shut the Heck Up)

One of my clients Barbara, a ministar in the furniture business, recently separated from her husband and business partner, Frank, a megastar in the furniture business. They suffered a long and messy divorce that resulted in them keeping the business jointly but not having to deal with each other.

Soon after the divorce, I was at an industry convention with Barbara. Since she and Frank were both beloved in the industry, people were curious about what had happened and how it affected their company. But, of course, no one dared ask outright. And Barbara was offering no explanations. I was seated next to Barbara at the gala farewell dinner. Apparently one of her colleagues at the table couldn’t contain her curiosity any longer. During dessert, she leaned over to Barbara and in a hushed voice asked, “Barbara, what happened with you and Frank?”

Barbara, unruffled by the rude question, simply took a spoonful of her cherries jubilee and said, “We’ve separated, but the company is unaffected.”

134

Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use. 03 (093-142B) part three 8/14/03 9:17 AM Page 135

How to Respond When You Don’t Want to Answer

135

Not satisfied with that answer, the woman pumped harder.

“Are you still working together?”

Barbara took another bite of her dessert and repeated in precisely the same tone of voice, “We’ve separated, but the company is unaffected.”

The frustrated interrogator was not going to give up easily.

“Are you both still working in the company?”

Barbara, appearing not the least disturbed by the woman’s incontinent insistence, scooped the last cherry out of her dish, smiled, looked directly at her, and said in the identical tone of voice, “We’ve separated, but the company is unaffected.”