92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships (11 page)

Technique #20

Parroting

Never be left speechless again. Like a parrot, simply

repeat the last few words your conversation partner

says. That puts the ball right back in his or her court, and then all you need to do is listen.

Salespeople, why go on a wild goose chase for a customer’s real objections when it’s so easy to shake them out of the trees with Parroting?

Parroting Your Way to Profits

Parroting is also a can opener to pry open people’s real feelings. Star salespeople use it to get to their prospect’s emotional objections, which they often don’t even articulate to themselves. A friend of mine, Paul, a used-car salesman, told me he credits a recent sale of a Lamborghini to Parroting.

Paul was walking around the lot with a prospect and his wife, who had expressed interest in a “sensible car.” He was showing them every sensible Chevy and Ford on the lot. As they were looking at one very sensible family car, Paul asked the husband what he thought of it. “Well,” he mused, “I’m not sure this car is right 02 (043-92B) part two 8/14/03 9:17 AM Page 81

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for me.” Instead of moving on to the next sensible car, Paul parroted “Right for you?” Paul’s questioning inflection signaled the prospect that he needed to say more.

“Well, er, yeah,” the prospect mumbled. “I’m not sure it fits my personality.”

“Fits your personality?” Paul again parroted.

“You know, maybe I need something a little more sporty.”

“A little more sporty?” Paul parroted.

“Well, those cars over there look a little more sporty.”

Aha! Paul’s parrot had ferreted out which cars to show the customer. As they walked over toward a Lamborghini on the lot, Paul saw the prospect’s eyes light up. An hour later, Paul had pocketed a fat commission.

Want to take a rest from talking to save your throat? This next technique gets your conversation partner off and running so all you have to do is listen (or even sneak off unnoticed as he or she chats congenially away).

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21
How to Get ’Em Happily

Chatting (So You Can Slip

Away if You Want To!)

Every father smiles when his little tyke beseeches him at bedtime,

“Daddy, Daddy, tell me the story again of the three little pigs” (or the dancing princesses or how you and Mommy met). Daddy knows Junior enjoyed the story so much the first time, he wants to hear it again and again.

Junior inspires the following technique called “Encore!” which serves two purposes. Encore! makes a colleague feel like a happy dad, and it’s a great way to give dying conversation a heart transplant.

I once worked on a ship that had Italian officers and mostly American passengers. Each week, the deck officers were required to attend the captain’s cocktail party. After the captain’s address in charmingly broken English, the officers invariably clumped together yakking it up in Italian. Needless to say, most of the passengers’ grasp of Italian ended at macaroni, spaghetti, salami, and pizza.

As cruise director, it fell on my shoulders to get the officers to mingle with the passengers. My not-so-subtle tactic was to grab one of the officers’ arms and literally drag him over to a smiling throng of expectant passengers. I would then introduce the officer and pray that either the cat would release his tongue, or a pas
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senger would come up with a more original question than “Gee, if all you officers are here, who is driving the boat?” Never happened. I dreaded the weekly captain’s cocktail party. One night, sleeping in my cabin, I was awakened by the ship rocking violently from side to side. I listened and the engines were off. A bad sign. I grabbed my robe and raced up to the deck. Through the dense fog, I could barely discern another ship not half a mile from us. Five or six officers were grasping the starboard guardrail and leaning overboard. I rushed over just in time to see a man in the moonlight with a bandage over one eye struggling up our violently rocking ladder. The officers immediately whisked him off to our ship’s hospital. The engines started again and we were on our way.

The next morning I got the full story. A laborer on the other ship, a freighter, had been drilling a hole in an engine cylinder. While he was working, a sharp, needle-thin piece of metal shot like a missile into his right eye. The freighter had no doctor on board so the ship broadcast an emergency signal.

International sea laws dictate that any ship hearing a distress signal must respond. Our ship came to the rescue and the seaman, clutching his bleeding eye, was lowered into a lifeboat that brought him to our ship. Dr. Rossi, our ship’s doctor, was successfully able to remove the needle from the workman’s eye, thus saving his eyesight.

“Tell ’Em About the Time You . . .”

Cut to the next captain’s cocktail party. Once again I was faced with the familiar challenge of getting officers to mingle and make small talk with the passengers. I made my weekly trek to the laconic officers’ throng to drag one or two away and, this time, my hand fell on the arm of the ship’s doctor. I hauled him over to the nearest group of grinning passengers and introduced him. I then 02 (043-92B) part two 8/14/03 9:17 AM Page 84

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said, “Just last week Dr. Rossi saved the eyesight of a seaman on another ship after a dramatic midnight rescue. Dr. Rossi, I’m sure these folks would love to hear about it.”

It was like a magic wand. To my amazement, it was as though Dr. Rossi was blessed instantly with the tongues of angels. His previously monosyllabic broken English became thickly accented eloquence. He recounted the entire story for the growing group of passengers gathering around him. I left the throng that Dr. Rossi enraptured to pull another officer over to an awaiting audience. I grabbed the captain’s stripe-covered arm, dragged him over to another pack of smiling passengers and said, “Captain Cafiero, why don’t you tell these folks about the dramatic midnight rescue you made last week?” The cat released Cafiero’s tongue and he was off and running.

Back to the throng to get the first officer for the next group. By now I knew I had a winner. “Signor Salvago, why don’t you tell these folks how you awakened the captain at midnight last week for the dramatic midnight rescue?”

By then it was time to go back to extract the ship’s doctor from the first bevy and take him to his next pack of passengers. It worked even better the second time. He happily commenced his Encore!

for the second audience. As he chatted away, I raced back to the captain to pull him away for a second telling with another throng. I felt like the circus juggler who keeps all the plates spinning on sticks. Just as I got one conversation spinning, I had to race back to the first speaker to give him a whirl at another audience. The captain’s cocktail parties were a breeze for me for the rest of the season. The three officers loved telling the same story of their heroism to new people every cruise. The only problem was I noticed the stories getting longer and more elaborate each time. I had to adjust my timing in getting them to do a repeat performance for the next audience. 02 (043-92B) part two 8/14/03 9:17 AM Page 85

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Play It Again, Sam

“Encore!” is what appreciative audiences chant when they want another song from the singer, another dance from the dancer, another poem from the poet, and in my case, another storytelling from the officers. Encore! is the technique you can use to request a repeat story from a prospect, potential employer, or valued acquaintance. While the two of you are chatting with a group of people, simply turn to him and say, “John, I bet everyone would love to hear about the time you caught that thirty-pound striped bass.” Or, “Susan, tell everyone that story you just told me of how you rescued the kitten from the tree.” He or she will, of course, demure. Insist! Your conversation partner is secretly loving it. The subtext of your request is “That story of yours was so terrific, I want my other friends to hear it.” After all, only crowd pleasers are asked to do an Encore!

Technique #21

Encore!

The sweetest sound a performer can hear welling up

out of the applause is “Encore! Encore! Let’s hear it

again!” The sweetest sound your conversation partner

can hear from your lips when you’re talking with a

group of people is “Tell them about the time you . . .”

Whenever you’re at a meeting or party with

someone important to you, think of some stories he or

she told you. Choose an appropriate one from their

repertoire that the crowd will enjoy. Then shine the

spotlight by requesting a repeat performance.

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The added benefit of this technique is that, once you’ve got them up and running with their conversation, you can sneak off and find more interesting company!

One word of warning: make sure the story you request is one in which the teller shines. No one wants to retell the time they lost the sale, cracked up the car, or broke up the bar and spent the night in jail. Make sure your requested Encore! is a positive story where they come out the big winner, not the buffoon.

The full beauty of this technique will hit you like a happy thunderbolt the first time you use it with someone who is telling a long and wearisome tale. You simply tiptoe away and let the bore spin the story on and on with your friend. (Of course, your friend may never speak to you again. But that’s not germaine to this chapter!)

The next technique deals with sharing some positive stories of your life.

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How to Come Across

as a Positive Person

Often people think when they meet someone they like, they should share a secret, reveal an intimacy, or make a confession of sorts to show they are human too. Airing your youthful battle with bed-wetting, teeth grinding, or thumb sucking—or your present struggle with gout or a goiter—supposedly endears you to the masses.

Well, sometimes it does. One study showed that if someone is above you in stature, their revealing a foible brings them closer to you.12 The holes in the bottom of presidential candidate Adlai Stevenson’s shoes charmed a nation, as did George H. W. Bush’s shocking admission that he couldn’t stomach broccoli.

If you’re on sure footing, say a superstar who wants to become friends with a fan, go ahead and tell your devotees about the time you were out of work and penniless. But if you’re not a superstar, better play it safe and keep the skeletons in the closet until later. People don’t know you well enough to put your foible in context. Later in a relationship, telling your new friend you’ve been thrice married, you got caught shoplifting as a teenager, and you got turned down for a big job may be no big deal. And that may be the extent of what could be construed as black marks on an otherwise flawless life of solid relationships, no misdemeanors, and
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an impressive professional record. But very early in a relationship, the instinctive reaction is “What else is coming? If he shares that with me so quickly, what else is he hiding? A closetful of exspouses, a criminal record, walls papered with rejection letters?”

Your new acquaintance has no way of knowing your confession was a generous act, a well-intentioned revelation, on your part.
Technique #22

Ac-c en-tu-ate the Pos-i-tive

When first meeting someone, lock your closet door and

save your skeletons for later. You and your new good

friend can invite the skeletons out, have a good laugh, and dance over their bones later in the relationship. But now’s the time, as the old song says, to “ac-cen-tu-ate the pos-i-tive and elim-i-nate the neg-a-tive.”

So far, in this section, you have found assertive methods for meeting people and mastering small talk. The next is both an assertive and defensive move to help spare you that pasty smile we tend to sport when we have no idea what people are talking about. 02 (043-92B) part two 8/14/03 9:17 AM Page 89

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23
How to Always Have

Something Interesting

to Say

You’ve heard folks whine, “I can’t go to the party, I haven’t got a thing to wear.” When was the last time you heard, “I can’t go to the party, I haven’t got a thing to say?”

When going to a gathering with great networking possibilities, you naturally plan your outfit and make sure your shoes will match. And, of course, you must have just the right tie or correct color lipstick. You puff your hair, pack your business cards, and you’re off.

Whoa! Wait a minute. Didn’t you forget the most important thing? What about the right conversation to enhance your image?

Are you actually going to say anything that comes to mind—or doesn’t—at the moment? You wouldn’t don the first outfit your groping hand hits in the darkened closet, so you shouldn’t leave your conversing to the first thought that comes to mind when facing a group of expectant, smiling faces. You will, of course, follow your instincts in conversation. But at least be prepared in case inspiration doesn’t hit.

The best way to ensure you’re conversationally in the swing of things is to listen to a newscast just before you leave. What’s happening right now in the world—all the fires, floods, air disasters, toppled governments, and stock market crashes—pulverizes into
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