92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships (8 page)

I had heard one of the best French restaurants in town had an attractive back room for parties. About 5 p.m. one afternoon, I wafted happily into the restaurant and found the seated maître d’

languidly looking over his reservation book. I began excitedly babbling about Stella’s triple-whammy celebration and asked to see that fabulous back room I’d heard so much about. Without a smile or moving a muscle, he said, “Zee room ees een zee back. You can go zee eet eef you like.”

CRASH. What a party pooper! His morose mood kicked all

the party spirit out of me, and I no longer wanted to rent his stupid space. Before I even looked at the room, he lost the rental. I left his restaurant vowing to find a place where the management would at least appear to share the joy of the happy occasion. Every mother knows this instinctively. To quiet a whimpering infant, Mama doesn’t just shake her finger and shout, “Quiet down.” No, Mama picks baby up. Mama cries, “Ooh, ooh, oh,”

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sounds. Your listeners are all big babies! Match their mood if you want them to stop crying, start buying, or otherwise come ’round to your way of thinking.

Technique #10

Make a Mood Match

Before opening your mouth, take a “voice sample” of

your listener to detect his or her state of mind. Take a

“psychic photograph” of the expression to see if your

listener looks buoyant, bored, or blitzed. If you ever

want to bring people around to your thoughts, you

must match their mood and voice tone, if only for a

moment.

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11
How to Sound Like

You’ve Got a Super

Personality (No Matter

What You’re Saying!)

Once while at a party, I spotted a fellow surrounded by a fan club of avid listeners. The chap was smiling, gesticulating, and obviously enthralling his audience. I went over to hearken to this fascinating speaker. I joined his throng of admirers and eavesdropped for a minute or two. Suddenly, it dawned on me: the fellow was saying the most banal things! His script was dull, dull, dull. Ah, but he was delivering his prosaic observations with such passion, and therefore, he held the group spellbound. It convinced me that it’s not all what you say, it’s how you say it.

“What’s a Good Opening Line When

I Meet People?”

I am often asked this question, and I give them the same answer a woman who once worked in my office always gave me. Dottie often stayed at her desk to work through lunch. Sometimes, as I was leaving for the sandwich shop, I’d ask her, “Hey Dottie, what can I bring you back for lunch?”

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Dottie, trying to be obliging, would say, “Oh anything is fine with me.”

“No, Dottie!” I wanted to scream. “Tell me what you want. Ham ’n’ cheese on rye? Bologna on whole wheat, hold the mayo?

Peanut butter ’n’ jelly with sliced bananas? Be specific. ‘Anything’

is a hassle.”

Frustrating though it may be, my answer to the opening-line question is “Anything!” because almost anything you say really is OK—as long as it puts people at ease and sounds passionate. How do you put people at ease? By convincing them they are OK and that the two of you are similar. When you do that, you break down walls of fear, suspicion, and mistrust.

Why Banal Makes a Bond

Samuel I. Hayakawa was a college president, U.S. senator, and brilliant linguistic analyst of Japanese origin. He tells us this story that shows the value of, as he says, “unoriginal remarks.”11

In early 1943—after the attack on Pearl Harbor at a time when there were rumors of Japanese spies—Hayakawa had to wait several hours in a railroad station in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. He noticed others waiting in the station were staring at him suspiciously. Because of the war, they were apprehensive about his presence. He later wrote, “One couple with a small child was staring with special uneasiness and whispering to each other.”

So what did Hayakawa do? He made unoriginal remarks to

set them at ease. He said to the husband that it was too bad the train should be late on so cold a night. The man agreed.

“I went on,” Hayakawa wrote, “to remark that it must be especially difficult to travel with a small child in winter when train schedules were so uncertain. Again the husband agreed. I then asked the child’s age and remarked that their child looked very big 02 (043-92B) part two 8/14/03 9:17 AM Page 53

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and strong for his age. Again agreement, this time with a slight smile. The tension was relaxing.”

After two or three more exchanges, the man asked Hayakawa,

“I hope you don’t mind my bringing it up, but you’re Japanese, aren’t you? Do you think the Japs have any chance of winning this war?”

“Well,” Hayakawa replied, “your guess is as good as mine. I don’t know any more than I read in the papers. But the way I figure it, I don’t see how the Japanese, with their lack of coal and steel and oil . . . can ever beat a powerfully industrialized nation like the United States.”

Hayakawa went on, “My remark was admittedly neither original nor well informed. Hundreds of radio commentators . . . were saying much the same thing during those weeks. But just because they were, the remark sounded familiar and was on the right side so that it was easy to agree with.”

The Wisconsin man agreed at once with what seemed like

genuine relief. His next remark was, “Say, I hope your folks aren’t over there while the war is going on.”

“Yes, they are,” Hayakawa replied. “My father and mother and two young sisters are over there.”

“Do you ever hear from them?” the man asked.

“How can I?” Hayakawa answered.

Both the man and his wife looked troubled and sympathetic.

“Do you mean you won’t be able to see them or hear from them until after the war is over?”

There was more to the conversation but the result was, within ten minutes they had invited Hayakawa—whom they initially may have suspected was a Japanese spy—to visit them sometime in their city and have dinner in their home. And all because of this brilliant scholar’s admittedly common and unoriginal small talk. Top communicators know the most soothing and appropriate first words should be, like Senator Hayakawa’s, unoriginal, even banal. 02 (043-92B) part two 8/14/03 9:17 AM Page 54

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But not indifferent. Hayakawa delivered his sentiments with sincerity and passion.
Ascent from Banality

It is not necessary, of course, to stay with mundane remarks. If you find your company displays cleverness or wit, you match that. The conversation then escalates naturally, compatibly. Don’t rush it or, like the Mensans, you seem like you’re showing off. The bottom line on your first words is to have the courage of your own triteness. Because, remember, people tune in to your tone more than your text.

Technique #11

Prosaic with Passion

Worried about your first words? Fear not, because 80

percent of your listener’s impression has nothing to do with your words anyway. Almost anything you say at

first is fine. No matter how prosaic the text, an

empathetic mood, a positive demeanor, and passionate

delivery make you sound exciting.

“Anything, Except Liverwurst!”

Back to Dottie waiting for her sandwich at her desk. Sometimes as I walked out the door scratching my head wondering what to bring her, she’d call after me, “Anything, except liverwurst, that is.” Thanks, Dottie, that’s a little bit of help.

Here’s my “anything, except liverwurst” on small talk. Anything you say is fine as long as it is not complaining, rude, or 02 (043-92B) part two 8/14/03 9:17 AM Page 55

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unpleasant. If the first words out of your mouth are a complaint—

BLAM—people label you a complainer. Why? Because that complaint is your new acquaintance’s 100 percent sampling of you so far. You could be the happiest Pollyanna ever, but how will they know? If your first comment is a complaint, you’re a griper. If your first words are rude, you’re a creep. If your first words are unpleasant, you’re a stinker. Open and shut. Other than these downers, anything goes. Ask them where they’re from, how they know the host of the party, where they bought the lovely suit they’re wearing—or hundreds of etceteras. The trick is to ask your prosaic question with passion to get the other person talking.

Still feel a bit shaky on making the approach to strangers? Let’s take a quick detour on our road to meaningful communicating. I’ll give you three quickie techniques to meet people at parties—

then nine more to make small talk not so small.

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12
How to Make People

Want to Start a

Conversation with You

Singles proficient at meeting potential sweethearts without the benefit of introduction (in the vernacular, making a “pickup”), have developed a deliciously devious technique that works equally well for social or corporate networking purposes. The technique requires no exceptional skill on your part, only the courage to sport a simple visual prop called a “Whatzit.”

What’s a Whatzit? A Whatzit is anything you wear or carry that is unusual—a unique pin, an interesting purse, a strange tie, or an amusing hat. A Whatzit is any object that draws people’s attention and inspires them to approach you and ask, “Uh, what’s that?” Your Whatzit can be as subtle or overt as your personality and the occasion permit.

I wear around my neck an outmoded pair of glasses that resembles a double monocle. Often the curious have approached me at a gathering and asked, “Whatzit?” I explain it’s a lorgnette left to me by my grandmother, which, of course, paves the way to discuss hatred of glasses, aging eyes, love or loss of grandmothers, adoration of antique jewelry—anywhere the inquisitor wants to take it. Perhaps, unknowingly, you have fallen prey to this soon-tobe-legendary technique. At a gathering, have you ever noticed
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someone you would like to talk to? Then you’ve racked your brain to conjure an excuse to make the approach. What a bounty it was to discover that he or she was wearing some weird, wild, or wonderful something you could comment on.
The Whatzit Way to Love

Your Whatzit is a social aid whether you seek business rewards or new romance. My friend Alexander carries Greek worry beads with him wherever he goes. He’s not worried. He knows any woman who wants to talk to him will come up and say, “What’s that?”

Think about it, gentlemen. Suppose you’re at a party. An attractive woman spots you across the room. She wants to talk to you but she’s thinking, “Well, Mister, you’re attractive. But, golly, what can I say to you? You just ain’t got no Whatzit.”

Be a Whatzit Seeker, Too

Likewise, become proficient in scrutinizing the apparel of those you wish to approach. Why not express interest in the handkerchief in the tycoon’s vest pocket, the brooch on the bosom of the rich divorcée, or the school ring on the finger of the CEO whose company you want to work for?

The big spender who, you suspect, might buy a hundred of your widgets has a tiny golf-club lapel pin? Say, “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice your attractive lapel pin. Are you a golfer?

Me, too. What courses have you played?”

Your business cards and your Whatzit are crucial socializing artifacts. Whether you are riding in the elevator, climbing the doorstep, or traversing the path to the party, make sure your Whatzit is hanging out for all to see.

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Technique #12

Always We ar a What zit

Whenever you go to a gathering, wear or carry

something unusual to give people who find you the

delightful stranger across the crowded room an excuse

to approach. “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice

your . . . what IS that?”

The next quickie technique was originated by doggedly determined politicians who don’t let one partygoer escape if they think he or she could be helpful to their campaigns. I call it the

“Whoozat” technique.

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How to Meet the

People You Want

to Meet

Say you have scrutinized the body of the important business contact you want to meet. You’ve searched in vain from the tip of his cowlick to the toes of his boots. He’s not sporting a single Whatzit. If you strike out on finding something to comment on, resort to the Whoozat technique. Like a persistent politician, go to the party giver and say, “That man/woman over there looks interesting. Who is he/she?” Then ask for an introduction. Don’t be hesitant. The party giver will be pleased you find one of the guests interesting.

If, however, you are loath to pull the party giver away from his or her other guests, you still can perform Whoozat. This time, don’t ask for a formal introduction. Simply pump the party giver for just enough information to launch you. Find out about the stranger’s jobs, interests, and hobbies.

Suppose the party giver says, “Oh, that’s Joe Smith. I’m not sure what his job is, but I know he loves to ski.” Aha, you’ve just been given the icebreaker you need. Now you make a beeline for Joe Smith. “Hi, you’re Joe Smith, aren’t you? Susan was just telling me what a great skier you are. Where do you ski?” You get the idea.