92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships (5 page)

Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use. 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 22

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How to Talk to Anyone

face for the split seconds you break eye contact when discussing relevant subjects like your feelings on big awards for damages or the death penalty. Sometimes attorneys bring along a legal assistant whose sole job is to sit on the sidelines and take precise note of your every fidget.

An interesting aside: trial lawyers often choose women to do this twitch-and-turn spying job because, traditionally, females are sharper observers of subtle body cues than males. Women, more sensitive to emotions than men, often ask their husbands, “Is something bothering you, Honey?” (These supersensitive women accuse their husbands of being so insensitive to emotions that they wouldn’t notice anything is wrong until their neckties are drenched in her tears.)

The attorney and the assistant then review your “score” on the dozens of subconscious signals you flashed. Depending on their tally, you could find yourself on jury duty or twiddling your thumbs back in the juror’s waiting room.

Trial lawyers are so conscious of body language that, in the 1960s during the famous trial of the Chicago Seven, defense attorney William Kuntsler actually made a legal objection to Judge Julius Hoffman’s posture. During the summation by the prosecution, Judge Hoffman leaned forward, which, accused Kuntsler, sent a message to the jury of attention and interest. During his defense summation, complained Kuntsler, Judge Hoffman leaned back, sending the jury a subliminal message of disinterest.
You’re on Trial—and You Only Have

Ten Seconds

Like attorneys deciding whether they want you on their case, everybody you meet makes a subconscious judgment on whether they want you in their lives. They base their verdict greatly on the same signals, your body-language answer to their unspoken question, “Well, how do you like me so far?”

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How to Win Their Heart by Responding to Their “Inner Infant”

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The first few moments of your reactions set the stage upon which the entire relationship will be played out. If you ever want anything from the new acquaintance, your unspoken answer to their unspoken question, “How do you like me so far?” must be,

“Wow! I really like you.”

When a little four year old feels bashful, he slumps, puts his arms up in front of his chest, steps back, and hides behind Mommy’s skirt. However, when little Johnny sees Daddy come home, he runs up to him, he smiles, his eyes get wide, and he opens his arms for a hug. A loving child’s body is like a tiny flower bud unfolding to the sunshine.

Twenty, thirty, forty, fifty years of life on earth make little difference. When forty-year-old Johnny is feeling timid, he slumps and folds his arms in front of his chest. When he wants to reject a salesman or business colleague, he turns away and closes him off with a myriad of body signals. However, when welcoming his loved one home after an absence, big Johnny opens his body to her like a giant daffodil spreading its petals to the sun after a rainstorm.

Treat People Like Big Babies

Once I was at a corporate star-studded party with an attractive, recently divorced friend of mine. Carla had been a copywriter with one of the leading advertising agencies which, like so many companies then, had downsized. My girlfriend was both out of work and out of a relationship.

At this particular party, the pickings for Carla were good, both personally and professionally. Several times as Carla and I stood talking, one good-looking corporate male beast or another would find himself within a few feet of us. More often than not, one of these desirable males would flash his teeth at Carla. She sometimes graced the tentatively courting male with a quick smile over her shoulder. But then she’d turn back to our mundane conversation 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 24

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as though she were hanging on my every word. I knew she was trying not to look anxious, but inside Carla was crying out, “Why doesn’t he come speak to us?”

Right after one prize corporate Big Cat smiled but, because of Carla’s minimal reaction, wandered back into the social jungle, I had to say, “Carla, do you know who that was? He’s the head of the Young & Rubicam in Paris. They’re looking for copywriters willing to relocate. And he’s single!” Carla moaned.

Just then we heard a little voice down by Carla’s left knee.

“Hello!” We looked down simultaneously. Little five-year-old Willie, the hostess’s adorable young son, was tugging on Carla’s skirt, obviously craving attention.

“Well, well, well,” Carla cried out, a big smile erupting all over her face. Carla turned toward him. Carla kneeled down, touched little Willie’s elbow, and crooned, “Well, hello there, Willie. How are you enjoying Mommy’s nice party?”

Little Willie beamed.

When little Willie finally trundled off to tug on the garments of the next group of potential attention givers, Carla and I returned to our grown-up conversing. During our chat, corporate beasts continued to stalk Carla with their eyes and she continued casting half smiles at them. She was obviously disappointed none of them was making a further approach. I had to bite my tongue. Finally, when I felt it was going to bleed from the pressure of my teeth, I said, “Carla, have you been noticing that four or five men have come over and smiled at you.”

“Yes,” Carla whispered, her eyes darting nervously around the room lest anyone overhear us.

“And you’ve been giving them little half smiles,” I continued.

“Yes,” she murmured, now confused at my question.

“Remember when little Willie came up and tugged on your skirt? Do you recall how you smiled that beautiful big smile of yours, turned toward him, and welcomed him into our grown-up conversation?”

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“Yee-es,” she answered haltingly.

“Well, I have a request, Carla. I want you to give the next man who smiles at you that same big smile you gave Willie. I want you to turn toward him just like you did then. Maybe even reach out and touch his arm like you did Willie’s, and then welcome him into our conversation.”

“Oh Leil, I couldn’t do that.”

“Carla, do it!” Sure enough, within a few minutes, another attractive man wandered our way and smiled. Carla played her role to perfection. She flashed her beautiful teeth, turned fully toward him, and said, “Hello, come join us.” He wasted no time accepting Carla’s invitation. After a few moments, I excused myself. Neither noticed my departure because they were in animated conversation. The last glimpse I had of my friend at the party was her floating out the door on the arm of her new friend.

Just then the technique I call “The Big-Baby Pivot” was born. It is a skill that will help you win whatever your heart desires from whatever type of beasts you encounter in the social or corporate jungle.

Technique #5

The Big-Baby Pivot

Give everyone you meet The Big-Baby Pivot. The

instant the two of you are introduced, reward your new

acquaintance. Give the warm smile, the total-body

turn, and the undivided attention you would give a tiny tyke who crawled up to your feet, turned a precious

face up to yours, and beamed a big toothless grin.

Pivoting 100 percent toward the new person shouts “I

think you are very, very special.”

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Remember, buried deep inside everyone is a big baby who is rattling the crib, wailing out for recognition of how very special he or she is.

The following technique reinforces the big baby’s suspicion that he or she is, indeed, the center of the universe.

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✰
6
How to Make Someone

Feel Like an Old Friend

at Once

A very wise man with the funny name of Zig9 once told me, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care . . . about them.” Zig Ziglar is right. The secret to making people like you is showing how much you like them!

Your body is a twenty-four-hour broadcasting station revealing to anyone within eyeshot precisely how you feel at any given moment. Even if your Hang by Your Teeth posture is gaining their respect, your Flooding Smile and The Big-Baby Pivot are making them feel special, and your Sticky Eyes are capturing their hearts and minds, the rest of your body can reveal any incongruence. Every inch—from the crinkle of your forehead to the position of your feet—must give a command performance if you want to effectively present an “I care about you” attitude.

Unfortunately, when meeting someone, our brains are in overdrive. Remember Shakespeare’s
Julius Caesar
? He said of Cassius, he “has a lean and hungry look . . . he thinks too much . . . such men are dangerous.” So it is with our brains when conversing with a new acquaintance. Our brains become lean. (Some of us are fighting off shyness. Others are frantically sizing up the situation.) And hungry. (We’re deciding what, if anything, we want from this potential relationship.) So we think too much instead of respond
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Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use. 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 28

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ing with candid, unself-conscious friendliness. Such actions are dangerous to impending friendship, love, or commerce.

When our bodies are shooting off ten thousand bullets of stimuli every second, a few shots are apt to misfire and reveal shyness or hidden hostility. We need a technique to ensure every shot aims right at the heart of our subject. We need to trick our bodies into reacting perfectly. To find it, let’s explore the only time we don’t need to worry about any shyness or negativity slipping out through our body language. It’s when we feel none. That happens when we’re chatting with close friends. When we see someone we love or feel completely comfortable with, we respond warmly from head to toe without a thought. Our lips part happily. We step closer. Our arms reach out. Our eyes become soft and wide. Even our palms turn up and our bodies turn fully toward our dear friend.

How to Trick Your Body into Doing

Everything Right

Here’s a visualization technique that accomplishes all that. It guarantees that everyone you encounter will feel your warmth. I call it “Hello Old Friend.”

When meeting someone, play a mental trick on yourself. In your mind’s eye, see him or her as an old friend, someone you had a wonderful relationship with years ago. But somehow you lost track of your friend. You tried so hard to find your good buddy, but there was no listing in the phone book. No information online. None of your mutual friends had a clue.

Suddenly, WOW! What a surprise! After all those years, the two of you are reunited. You are so happy.

That’s where the pretending stops. Obviously, you are not going to try to convince the new person that the two of you are really old friends. You are not going to hug and kiss and say, “Great to see you again!” or “How have you been all these years?” You 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 29

How to Make Someone Feel Like an Old Friend at Once
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merely say, “Hello,” “How do you do,” “I am pleased to meet you.” But, inside, it’s a very different story.

You will amaze yourself. The delight of rediscovery fills your face and buoys up your body language. I sometimes jokingly say if you were a light, you’d beam on the other person. If you were a dog, you’d be wagging your tail. You make this new person feel very special indeed.

Technique #6

Hello Old Friend

When meeting someone, imagine he or she is an old

friend (an old customer, an old beloved, or someone

else you had great affection for). How sad, the vicissitudes of life tore you two asunder. But, holy mackerel, now the party (the meeting, the convention) has reunited you with your long-lost old friend!

The joyful experience starts a remarkable chain

reaction in your body from the subconscious softening

of your eyebrows to the positioning of your toes—and

everything between.

In my seminars, I first have people introduce themselves to another participant before they’ve learned the Hello Old Friend technique. The group chats as though at a pleasant semiformal gathering. Later I ask them to introduce themselves to another stranger, imagining they are old friends. The difference is extraordinary. When they’re using Hello Old Friend, the room comes alive. The atmosphere is charged with good feeling. The air sparkles with happier, high-energy people. They are standing closer, laughing more sincerely, and reaching out to one another. I feel like I’m attending a terrific bash that’s been going on for hours. 01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 30

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Not a Word Need Be Spoken

The Hello Old Friend technique even supersedes language. Whenever you’re traveling in countries where you don’t speak the native tongue, be sure to use it. If you find yourself with a group of people who are all speaking a language unknown to you, just imagine them to be a group of your old friends. Everything is fine except they momentarily forgot how to speak English. In spite of the fact you won’t understand a word, your whole body still responds with congeniality and acceptance.

I’ve used the Hello Old Friend technique while traveling in Europe. Sometimes my English-speaking friends who live there tell me their European colleagues say I am the friendliest American they’ve ever met. Yet, we’d never spoken a word between us!

A Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

An added benefit to the Hello Old Friend technique is it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you act as though you like someone, you start to really like them. An Adelphi University study called, appropriately, “Believing Another Likes or Dislikes You: Behaviors Making the Beliefs Come True” proved it.10 Researchers told volunteers to treat unsuspecting subjects as though they liked them. When surveyed later, the results showed the volunteers wound up genuinely liking the subjects. The unsuspecting subjects were also surveyed. These respondents expressed much higher respect and affection for the volunteers who pretended they liked them. What it boils down to is love begets love, like begets like, respect begets respect. Use the Hello Old Friend technique and you will soon have many new “old friends” who wind up genuinely liking you. You now have all the basics to come across to everyone you meet as a Somebody, a friendly Somebody. But your job isn’t over yet. In addition to being liked, you want to appear credible, intelligent, and sure of yourself. Each of the next three techniques accomplishes one of those goals.