92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships (23 page)

Your sister tells you your first cousin is a dynamite relative. Go ahead and call Cuz’.

Your mother tells you she thinks Manny did a great job mowing the lawn. Pass it on to him. Hey, we all like a little appreciation, even from Mom. Here’s where it benefits you. Everyone loves the bearer of glad tidings. When you bring someone third-party kudos, they appreciate you as much as the complimenter. Call it gossip if you like. This is the good kind.

Technique #52

Carrier Pigeon Kudos

People immediately grow a beak and metamorphosize

themselves into carrier pigeons when there’s bad news.

(It’s called gossip.) Instead, become a carrier of good news and kudos. Whenever you hear something

complimentary about someone, fly to them with the

compliment. Your fans may not posthumously stuff

you and put you on display in a museum like Stumpy

Joe. But everyone loves the carrier pigeon of kind

thoughts.

Carry More Cargo than Compliments

Another way to warm hearts and win friends is to become a carrier pigeon of news items that might interest the recipient. Call, mail, or E-mail people with information they might find interest-06 (199-228B) part six 8/14/03 9:18 AM Page 206

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How to Talk to Anyone

ing. If your friend Ned is a furniture designer in North Carolina and you see a big article in the
Los Angeles Times
about furniture trends, fax it to him. If your client Sally is a sculptor in Seattle and you see her work in someone’s home in New York, send her a note. My friend Dan lives in San Francisco, and whenever he runs across anything in the paper on communications, he clips it and sends it to me. No note, just “FYI—Regards, Dan” in the corner. He’s like my own private West Coast clipping service.

Try it. Think of the money you’ll save on greeting cards. A relevant clipping is the big winner’s way of saying, “I’m thinking of you and your interests.”

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53
How to Make ’Em Feel

Your Admiration “Just

Slipped Out”

Here’s yet another caress for someone’s ego. Don’t give a blatant compliment. Merely imply something magnificent about your conversation partner. Several months ago, I was visiting an old friend in Denver whom I hadn’t seen in a long time. When he came to my hotel to pick me up, he said, “Hello, Leil, how are you?” Then he paused, looked at me, and said, “You’ve obviously been well.”

Wow, I felt terrific. He implied I looked good and that made my evening.

Guess the Good Lord decided I shouldn’t have too swollen a head, however, because later that evening, after my friend dropped me off, I got into the hotel elevator. A maintenance man entered at the third floor. He smiled at me. I smiled back. He looked at me again and said, “Gosh, ma’am, was you a model? [Oh, man, was I feeling on top of the world now!] . . . when you was young?”

he continued.

CRASH! Why couldn’t he have zipped his lip before the zinger? I loved the implication in the first part of his comment. But the second implied I was now an old lady. Ruined my next day. Heck, his unintentional low blow ruined my week. In fact I still feel wretched about it.

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You have to be careful of unintentional bad implications. If, visiting a new city, you stop someone on the street and say, “Excuse me, could you tell me if there are any fine dining restaurants nearby?” you are implying the passerby is a person of taste. If, however, you ask that same passerby, “Hey, know any down and dirty bars in this burg?” your implication is entirely different. Find a way to imply magnificent qualities of those you wish to indirectly compliment.
Technique #53

Implie d Magnific enc e

Throw a few comments into your conversation that

presuppose something positive about the person you’re

talking with. But be careful. Don’t blow it like the wellintentioned maintenance man. Or the southern boy who, at the prom, thought he was flattering his date

when he told her, “Gosh, Mary Lou, for a fat gal you

dance real good.”

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54
How to Win Their

Hearts by Being an

“Undercover

Complimenter”

Next in our agglomeration of joy spreaders is a technique I call

“Accidental Adulation.” Once, at a small dinner party, the subject turned to space travel. The gentleman seated to my right said,

“Leil, you’re much too young to remember this, but when Apollo 11 landed on the moon . . .”

If my life depended on it, I couldn’t tell you what the chap said next. I simply remember smiling to myself and stretching to get a glimpse of my youthful self in the dining-room mirror. Of course I remember July 1969. Like the rest of the world, I was glued to the television watching Neil Armstrong’s size 9½B boot hit the moon. However, I certainly was not thinking of moon travel at that dinner party. I was too busy reveling in the fact that this lovely man didn’t think I was old enough to remember 1969. I assumed his opinion of my youthfulness just slipped out. Therefore it must be sincere. Sure! Now that I think about it, he probably knew darn well I was old enough to remember the moon landing. I bet he was
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How to Talk to Anyone

using the maneuver Accidental Adulation. But it doesn’t matter. My warm memories of him remain. Accidental Adulation is slipping praise into the secondary part of your point, putting it in verbal parentheses.
Try It. You’ll Like It. They’ll Love It.

Try Accidental Adulation and see smiles break out on the faces of the recipients. Tell your sixty-five-year-old uncle, “Anyone as fit as you would have zipped right up those steps, but boy, was I out of breath.” Tell a colleague: “Because you’re so knowledgeable in contract law, you would have read between the lines, but stupidly, I signed it.”

You run the danger, of course, that you will please the recipient so profoundly with your parenthetical praise, he or she won’t hear your main point.

Technique #54

Accidental Adul ation

Become an undercover complimenter. Stealthily sneak

praise into the parenthetical part of your sentence.

Just don’t try to quiz anyone later on your main

point. The joyful jolt of your accidental adulation

strikes them temporarily deaf to anything that follows. So far we have explored four covert compliments: Grapevine Glory, Carrier Pigeon Kudos, Implied Magnificence, and Accidental Adulation. There are times, of course, when blatant praise does work. The next techniques will hone your skills in this precarious but rewarding venture. 06 (199-228B) part six 8/14/03 9:18 AM Page 211

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55
How to Make ’Em Never

Forget You with a

“Killer Compliment”

Would you like to have a little trick up your sleeve potent enough to kick start commerce, ignite a friendship or even a love affair?

I’ll give you one, but only if you heed its warning label. You must register your tongue as a lethal weapon once you’ve mastered the following technique. It’s called the “Killer Compliment.”

It was born one night some years ago after my then-roommate, Christine, and I had just returned home from a holiday party. As we were taking off our coats, she had a silly smile on her face and a faraway look in her eye.

“Christine, are you OK?” I asked.

“Oh yes,” she purred. “I’m going to go out with that man.”

“Man? What man?”

“Oh, you know,” she said, chastising me for not knowing, “the one who told me I had beautiful teeth.”

Teeth!

That night I happened to walk by the bathroom door as Christine was getting ready for bed. I saw her grinning at herself in the mirror, tilting her head from side to side, and brushing each individual tooth. All the while she kept her eyes glued to the mirror, inspecting each one for the beauty her new admirer commented on. I realized the fellow who had given Christine the
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unusual compliment had made her day—and had made a killer impression on her. Thus the Killer Compliment came into being. What is the Killer Compliment? It is commenting on some very personal and specific quality you spot in someone. A Killer Compliment is not “I like your tie” or “You’re a very nice person.”

(The first is not personal enough and the second is not specific enough.) A Killer Compliment is more like “What exquisite eyes you have,” (very specific) or “You have a wonderful air of honesty about you,” (very personal).

Because delivering your first Killer Compliment is difficult, I trick my seminar participants into pulling it off. About midway through the program, I’ll ask them to close their eyes and think about a partner they had in an earlier exercise. Then I say, “Now recall one attractive physical quality or personality trait you observed in your partner. Not one you would necessarily comment on,” I caution. “Perhaps your partner had a lovely smile or a twinkle in her eye. Perhaps he exuded a sense of calm or credibility. Got it in your mind?”

Then the thunderbolt: “OK, now go find your partner and tell them the nice quality you noticed.” “What? Tell them?” The thought paralyzes them. One by one, however, they courageously seek their partners and deliver their Killer Compliments. As people hear a stranger tell them they have beautiful hands or penetrating brown eyes, joy fills the room. Laughter explodes in every corner. I am now looking out at a sea of smiles and happy blushes. Everyone loves receiving his or her personal Killer Compliment. And everyone develops friendly feelings toward the giver.
The Killer Compliment User’s Manual

Just like a cannon, if you don’t use the Killer Compliment correctly, it can backfire. Here’s the user’s manual that comes with the mighty missile.

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How to Make ’Em Never Forget You with a “Killer Compliment”

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Technique #55

Killer Compliment

Whenever you are talking with a stranger you’d like to

make part of your professional or personal future, search for one attractive, specific, and unique quality he or she has.

At the end of the conversation, look the individual

right in the eye. Say his or her name and proceed to

curl all ten toes with the Killer Compliment.

Rule #1: Deliver your Killer Compliment to the recipi-
ent in private.
If you are standing with a group of four or five people and you praise one woman for being fit, every other woman feels like a barrel of lard. If you tell one man he has wonderful carriage, every other feels like a hunchback. You also make the blushing recipient uncomfortable.

Rule #2: Make your Killer Compliment credible.
For example, I’m tone-deaf. If I’m forced to sing even a simple song like “Happy Birthday,” I sound like a sick pig. If anyone in earshot were foolish enough to tell me they liked my voice, I’d know it was hogwash.

Rule #3: Confer only one Killer Compliment per half
year on each recipient
. Otherwise you come across as insincere, groveling, obsequious, pandering, and a thoroughly manipulative person. Not cool.

With careful aim, the Killer Compliment captures everyone. It works best, however, when you use it judiciously on new acquaintances. If you want to praise friends every day, employ the next technique.

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How to Make ’Em Smile

with “Itty-Bitty

Boosters”

In contrast to the big guns of Killer Compliments for strangers, and The Tombstone Game for loved ones, which we will learn shortly, here’s a little peashooter you can pop off at anyone, anytime. I call it “Little Strokes.”

Little Strokes are short, quick kudos you drop into your casual conversation. Make liberal use of Little Strokes with your colleagues in the office:

“Nice job, John!”

“Well done, Kyoto!”

“Hey, not bad, Billy!”

I have one friend who uses a lovely Little Stroke. If I do something he likes, he says, “Not too shabby, Leil.”

You can also use Little Strokes on the everyday achievements of your loved ones. If your spouse just cooked a great meal, “Wow, you’re the best chef in town.” Just before going out together, “Gee, honey, you look great.” After a long drive, “You did it! It must have been tiring.” With your kids, “Hey, gang, great job cleaning up your room.”

I once read a poignant
Reader’s Digest
article about a little girl who often misbehaved. Her mother had to continually reprimand her. However, one day, the little girl had been especially good and
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How to Make ’Em Smile with “Itty-Bitty Boosters” 215

hadn’t done a single thing that called for a reprimand. The mother said, “That night after I tucked her in bed and started downstairs, I heard a muffled noise. Running back up, I found her head buried in the pillow. She was sobbing. Between the sobs she asked,

‘Mommy, haven’t I been a pretty good girl today?’ ”

The question, the mother said, went through her like a knife.

“I had been quick to correct her,” she said, “when she was wrong. But when she tried to behave, I hadn’t noticed it and I put her to bed without one word of appreciation.”

Adults are all grown-up little girls and little boys. We may not go to bed sobbing if the people in our lives don’t notice when we are good. Nevertheless, a trace of those tears lingers.
Technique #56