92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships (31 page)

Consider each of the following techniques. If you find any of them obvious, give yourself a pat on the back. It means you’re already a tiger on that one. Be on the lookout for those communications sensitivities where you find yourself saying, “You gotta be kidding! What’s wrong with that?”

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coolly to your suggestion, doesn’t return your phone call, doesn’t give you the promotion, doesn’t invite you to the party, doesn’t accept your date, you’ll never know what happened. Read each of the following techniques to ensure you’re not making any of these subtle mistakes, that let the big players lacerate you and keep you from getting what you want in life.

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78
How to Win Their

Affection by

Overlooking Their

Bloopers

One remarkable reaction opened my eyes to yet another difference between big winners and little losers. Several years ago I was doing a project for a client. I had the pleasure of being taken to lunch by the four biggest fish in the firm. They wanted to familiarize me with communications problems their company was experiencing.

We went to a busy midtown restaurant at peak lunchtime. Every table was filled with a variety of corporate creatures. Upperand middle-management types were lunching in their suits and ties or high-collar blouses. Workers and secretaries were munching in their blue shirts or short skirts. The restaurant was buzzing with conversation and conviviality.

Over the entrée, we were in deep discussion about the company’s challenges. The CFO, Mr. Wilson, was talking about the financial outlook when suddenly, BLAM! Not six feet away, a waiter dropped a tray full of dishes. Glasses broke, silverware clattered against the marble floor, and a hot baked potato rolled under our table in a direct path for Wilson’s feet.

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Practically everyone in the restaurant turned toward the humiliated waiter. We heard a cacophony of “Uh-oh,” “Butterfingers!” “Whoops, watch it!” “Boy, that’s his last lunch here,”

and a variety of tittering and derisive laughter.

Wilson, however, didn’t miss a word of his monologue. Not one big player at my table turned or blinked an eye. It was as though nothing had happened. The restaurant gradually quieted down around us as we continued our deliberations. (A few minutes later the baked potato shot back out from under our table. At that moment, I found myself wondering whether Wilson had been a soccer player in his youth.)

Over coffee, the director of marketing, Ms. Dawson, was discussing the company’s planned expansion. Suddenly she made an expansive gesture with her arms that knocked over her coffee cup. Just as I was about to say, “Oh dear,” I bit my tongue. Before I could grab my napkin to help, Dawson was dabbing the muddy puddle with hers, and not missing a syllable of her soliloquy. None of her cool colleagues at the table even seemed to notice the overturned cup. At that instant, I realized big boys and big girls see no bloopers, hear no bloopers. They never say “Butterfingers” or “Whoops”

or even “Uh-oh.” They ignore their colleagues’ boners. They simply don’t notice their comrades’ minor spills, slips, fumbles, and blunders. Thus, the technique “See No Bloopers, Hear No Bloopers” was born.
Let Me Suffer in Your Silence

I have one friend who every time I sneeze says, “Oh, are you coming down with a cold?” Every time I miss a step on a curb, it’s “Be careful!” Every time he sees me after a long day’s work he asks,

“Are you tired?” Granted, this is small fry in the great bouillabaisse of bloopers. And the poor guy probably genuinely thinks he’s 09 (293-342B) part nine 8/14/03 9:19 AM Page 298

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being sensitive to my needs. But, darn it, coming down with a cold, missing the curb, and looking tired are less than cool. Let me suffer—in YOUR silence.

If you’re having dinner with a friend and she makes a boner, be blind to her overturned glass. Be deaf to her sneeze, cough, or hiccups. No matter how well-meaning your “gesundheit,”

“whoops,” or knowing smile, nobody likes to be reminded of their own human frailty.

“Fine,” you say, “for small slips, but what should one do in extreme circumstances?” Say a rippling tide of soda is flooding across the table in your direction and it will be impossible to ignore by the time it reaches your lap.

If possible, deftly flip your napkin to obstruct the current and keep talking. Try not to miss a syllable of the sentence you started before the oncoming tide. At this point, your companion might mutter incoherent apologies. Adroitly weave a parenthetical “It’s nothing” into your current phrase and continue talking. On such small sands the castles of big cat camaraderie are built.
Technique #78

See No Bloopers, He ar No Bloopers

Cool communicators allow their friends, associates,

acquaintances, and loved ones the pleasurable myth of

being above commonplace bloopers and embarrassing

biological functions. They simply don’t notice their

comrades’ minor spills, slips, fumbles, and faux pas.

They obviously ignore raspberries and all other signs of human frailty in their fellow mortals. Big winners never gape at another’s gaffes.

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If people hate to be reminded of the moments when they’re not shining, there is another event almost as disillusioning. It is when a talker is shining and the spotlight abruptly pivots to a more urgent matter. The speaker is forgotten in the flurry.

Top communicators put the glow back in the gloomy gabber’s eyes with the technique that follows.

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79
How to Win Their

Heart When Their

Tongue Is Faltering

In ancient Japan, if you saved someone’s life, it was their selfimposed task to spend the rest of their life serving you. Nowadays, if you rescue someone’s story, a molecule of that ancient instinct still gushes through his or her veins.

It happens all the time. Someone in a group is telling a story and, just before their big point, BOOM! There’s an interruption. Someone new joins the group, a catering person with a tray of crackers and cheese comes over, or a baby starts crying. Suddenly everyone’s attention turns to the new arrival, the nibbles on the tray, or the “adorable” little tyke. Nobody is aware of the interruption—except the speaker. They forget all about the fact that the speaker hasn’t made his or her point.

Or you’re all sitting around the living room and someone is telling a joke. Suddenly, just before their big punch line, little Johnny drops a dish or the phone rings. After the crash, everyone talks about little Johnny’s clumsiness. After the call, the subject turns to the impending marriage or medical operation of the caller. Nobody remembers the great punch line got aborted—except the joke teller. (When it’s you regaling everyone at a restaurant, have
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o Win Their Heart When Their Tongue Is Faltering
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you ever noticed how you can almost set your clock by the waiter coming to take everyone’s order just before your hilarious punch line?)

Most joke and story tellers are too timid to say, after the invasion, “Now, as I was saying . . .” Instead, they’ll spend the rest of the evening feeling miserable they didn’t get to finish. Here’s where you come in. Rescue them with the technique I call “Lend a Helping Tongue.”

Watch the gratitude in the storyteller’s eyes as he stabilizes where his story sunk and he sails off again toward the center of attention. His expression and the recognition of your sensitivity by the rest of the group are often reward enough. You are even more fortunate if you can rescue the story of someone who can hire you, promote you, buy from you, or otherwise lift your life. Big winners have elephantine memories. When you do them subtle favors like Lend a Helping Tongue, they find a way to pay you back.
Technique #79

Lend a Helping Tongue

Whenever someone’s story is aborted, let the interruption play itself out. Give everyone time to dote on the little darling, give their dinner order, or pick up the jagged pieces of china.

Then, when the group reassembles, simply say to the

person who suffered story-interruptus, “Now please get

back to your story.” Or better yet, remember where they were and then ask, “So what happened after the . . .”

(and fill in the last few words).

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Harvey Mackay, the world’s most notable networker who rose from envelope salesman to corporate CEO and one of America’s most sought-after business and motivational speakers, teaches us that the world goes ’round on favors. How right he is! The next three techniques reveal unspoken subtleties of this critical balance of power.

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80
How to Let ’Em

Know “What’s In It”

for Them

Savvy businesspeople know everyone is constantly tuned to the same radio station—WIIFM. Whenever anyone says anything, the listener’s instinctive reaction is “what’s in it for me?” Sales pros have elevated this constant query to the exalted status of acronym, WIIFM. They pay such strict attention to the WIIFM principle that they don’t open their pitch with the features of their product or service. Top pros start by highlighting the benefits to the buyer. Except for tactical reasons during sensitive negotiating, big winners lay both “what’s in it for me?” and “what’s in it for you?”

(WIIFY) right out on the table. This is so critical that, if one camouflages WIIFM or WIIFY, the concealer is relegated to the status of little loser. I once invited a casual acquaintance to lunch. I had hoped to consult with Sam, the head of a marketing association, on my speaking business. I told him my desire and jokingly asked if an hour of his valuable time was available in return for lunch at a great restaurant. That was my way of saying, “Look Sam, I know there’s no real benefit to you except a tasty lunch and the dubious pleasure of my company.” (In other words, I was revealing WIIFY.) To make the meeting even more convenient for him, I said, “Sam, choose the date and the best restaurant in your neighborhood.”

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The day of our lunch consultation rolled around and I traveled forty-five minutes across town to his chosen restaurant. As I entered, I was surprised to see an assortment of people arranged around the largest table in the room with Sam as the smiling centerpiece. Obviously, this was not the setting in which I could consult with him. Unfortunately, Sam had already spotted me by the coat check. I was trapped.

It wasn’t until after-lunch coffee arrived that I realized why Sam had assembled the group. He wanted each to donate presentations on their particular expertise to his organization. The sly fox hadn’t revealed his own “what’s in it for me?”

Had Sam been a straight shooter and big player, he would have told me on the phone, “Leil, I’m getting a group of speakers who might be helpful to my organization together for a Dutchtreat lunch. I will, of course, try to answer your questions about your speaking business, but we will be a group of ten. Would you like to join us, or shall we choose another date when we can have more privacy?”

I would gladly have spoken pro bono for Sam’s group had he been up-front about it. Instead, by not revealing WIIFM, we both lost. I lost a half day and, because of his trickiness, he lost my free speech for his group.

Don’t Deny Them the Pleasure

of Helping You

Big winners also lay their cards on the table when asking someone for a favor. Many well-meaning folks are embarrassed to say how important the favor is to them. So they ask as though it’s a casual inquiry when it’s not.

A friend of mine named Stefan once asked me if I knew any bands his organization could hire for their annual event. I told him

“No, I’m sorry. I really don’t.” But Stefan didn’t let it go at that. He pressed, “Leil, didn’t you once work with bands on ships?”

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I told him “Yes, but I no longer have contact with them.” I thought that was the end of it. But Stefan didn’t. He grilled me further and I found myself getting confused and irritated. Finally I said, “Stefan, who’s in charge of getting the band?”

He sheepishly said, “I am.”

“Criminy jicketts, Stefan, why didn’t you tell me it was your responsibility? In that case, let me do some research and see if I can find a good one for you.” I was happy to do my friend a favor. But Stefan, by not telling me how important it was to him, risked not getting help. He also went down a notch or two in his friend’s esteem by not revealing WIIFM.

When asking someone for a favor, let them know how much it means to you. You come across as a straight shooter, and the joy of helping you out is often reward enough. Don’t deny them that pleasure!

Technique #80

Bare the Buried WIIFM (and WIIF Y)

Whenever you suggest a meeting or ask a favor, divulge

the respective benefits. Reveal what’s in it for you and what’s in it for the other person—even if it’s zip. If any hidden agenda comes up later, you get labeled a sly fox. Asking or granting favors is a fabric that holds together only when woven with utmost sensitivity. Let us explore more ways to stitch this delicate cloth so your relationship doesn’t rip. 09 (293-342B) part nine 8/14/03 9:19 AM Page 306