92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships (28 page)

✰
70
How to “Listen

Between the Lines”

on the Phone

The first time I saw
The Wizard of Oz
, the story bewitched me. The second time I saw
The Wizard of Oz
, the special effects amazed me. The third time I saw
The Wizard of Oz
, the photography dazzled me. Have you ever seen a movie twice, three times?

You notice subtleties and hear sounds you completely missed the first time around.

It’s the same on the phone. Hearing it is much better the second time around. Because your business conversations are more consequential than movies, you should listen to them two, maybe three times. Often we have no clear idea of what really happened in our phone conversation until we hear it again. You’ll find shadings more significant than the color of Toto’s collar—and more scarecrows than you imagined who “haven’t got a brain!”

How do you listen to your important business conversations again? Simply legally and ethically tape-record them. I call the technique of recording and analyzing your business conversations for subtleties “Instant Replay.”

Having a tape recorder on her phone could have made a dramatic difference in the career of my friend Laura. Laura, a nutritionist, had developed an excellent health drink. It deserved to be marketed nationally.

259

Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use. 07 (229-264B) part seven 8/14/03 9:19 AM Page 260

260

How to Talk to Anyone

I was in Laura’s office one day discussing her plans and I said,

“Laura, I’ve got just the contact for you. Several months earlier, I had met Fred, a man who owned a chain of supermarkets. Fred owed me a favor because, at his request, I’d given a pro bono talk for a social club he belonged to. Fred was a big banana in the supermarket world, and with one “yes” he could put my friend’s health drink in his stores. That would launch Laura nationally. I placed the call and, lo and behold, he was in. And, an even bigger lo and behold, Fred sounded interested in Laura’s beverage.

“Put her on,” Fred said.

I proudly handed Laura the phone and their conversation started out fine. “Oh sure, I’ll send you a sample,” Laura said.

“What’s the address?” Then I heard Laura say, “Uh, wait a minute, let me get something to write with.” (I rapidly rolled a pen and pushed a pad in front of her nose.) “Uh, what’s that again? Did you say 4201 or 4102? [I moan inaudibly.] And how do you spell the name of the street? [My moan becomes audible.] Whoops, this pen just ran out of ink. Leil, do you see another pen on my desk?

[I did, and this time I felt like throwing it at her.] Sorry, what’s that again?”

Yikes, now I wanted to grab the phone out of Laura’s hands. She shouldn’t be bothering a busy big banana for details like repeating addresses. She could have called his secretary back later for clarification. But even that would have been unnecessary if she were recording the conversation with the Instant Replay technique. She could have merely mentioned that she was flipping on the recorder (most heavy hitters are comfortable with that concept) and she would have had it on tape.

Fred was nice to Laura that day. But my friend never heard back from him. And to this day, she wonders why. She’ll never know the confused phone exchange nixed the deal.

Was Fred being unfair just because Laura was a little slow on the phone? Absolutely not. Fred figures, “If this woman is as insen-07 (229-264B) part seven 8/14/03 9:19 AM Page 261

How to “Listen Between the Lines” on the Phone

261

sitive about my time at the beginning of a possible business relationship, what’s she going to be like down the pike?” Wise choice, Fred. I still like Laura. She’s still my friend. But will I introduce her to any other big winners who might help her? I can’t take the chance.

How to Set Up Your Instant Replay

Instant Replay is simple and cheap. Go to your local electronics store and ask for a recorder for your telephone. Slap it on your phone receiver, and plug the other end into a cassette recorder. Then turn the recorder on during your next important conversation. The device could earn you hundreds of dollars on your first call. In some states the law requires you inform the other party you are recording them. Make sure to check with the authorities about the legality in the state where you live. If it’s one-party consent, don’t worry. You’re the one party. Obviously you must never ever use the tape for any other purpose than for your own second listening. Not only would that be unlawful, but it would be unconscionable. For extra security, don’t leave people’s taped conversations lying around. Keep the same tape in your cassette machine and use it over and over to record important details.

With Instant Replay, you can catch balls your conversation partner throws out on the first bounce. You’re on the phone with your boss. He rambles off four or five names in a law firm you’re supposed to write to, then the address, then the nine-digit zip code. Realizing he’s pitched you some pretty fast balls, he asks,

“Shall I repeat that for you?” “No thanks, I got it,” you proudly say, silently tapping your little tape recorder. Boss is impressed. Yet another benefit of Instant Replay—it helps hide your ignorance. Recently I was on the phone with a cameraman negotiating a price on a videotape to use as a speaker’s demo. Luckily I was recording the conversation because his flurry of Hi-8, VHS, 07 (229-264B) part seven 8/14/03 9:19 AM Page 262

262

How to Talk to Anyone

Super VHS, Beta SP, and three-quarter-inch U-matic had me wanting to crawl into a rodent hole in the wall. But I listened to the tape of our conversation afterward. I wrote down all the words I didn’t understand and then asked a video friend what they meant. Now I was able to call the cameraman back and say, “I’d like a two-camera shoot on Beta SP. And can you give me a VHS

dub so I can do some off-line editing?” Don’t you think I got a much better price than if I’d asked, “Duh, what’s a Beta SP?”

Technique #70

Instant Repl ay

Record all your business conversations and listen to

them again. The second or third time, you pick up on

significant subtleties you missed the first time. It’s like football fans who often don’t know if there was a

fumble until they see it all over again in Instant Replay.
Forget What They Said, Hear What

They Meant

Instant Replay also makes you sensitive to levels of communication far deeper than just your callers’ words. You tune in to their real enthusiasm or hesitation about an idea.

When we want something, our minds play funny tricks on us. If we desperately crave “yes” from someone, we hear “yes.” But

“yes” isn’t always what it seems. A client’s forceful “YES” and her hesitant “yeee-sss” are different as heaven and hell. Last month I asked a woman who’d booked me for a speech if her office could reproduce my ten-page handout. She gave me the answer I wanted, which was “yes.” Later, however, I relistened to our conversation 07 (229-264B) part seven 8/14/03 9:19 AM Page 263

How to “Listen Between the Lines” on the Phone

263

on tape. Her answer about the handouts had been a very hesitant,

“Hmm, well, yes.” I immediately called her back and said, “By the way, don’t worry about those handouts.”

“Oh, I’m so glad!” she purred. “Because we really don’t have the budget for things like that.” I gained much more in my client’s goodwill than the value of reproducing a few sheets of paper. Let us now return to your live, in-person show. We’re going to talk not only about how to be a hit at a party, but how to smoothly hit on all the folks you want—just like a politician.
This page intentionally left blank.

08 (265-292) part eight 8/14/03 9:19 AM Page 265

✰PARTEIGHT

How to Work a Part y

Like a Politician

Works a Room

The Politician’s Six-Point

When invited to a party, most of us waft into a fluffy thought process. Our random reverie goes something like this: “Hmm, this could be fun. . . . Wonder if they’re going to serve food. . . . Hope it’s good. . . . Might be some interesting people there. . . . Wonder if my friend so ’n’ so is coming. . . . Golly, what should I wear?”

That’s not the way a politician thinks about a party, however. While politicians, heavy-duty networkers, serious socializers, and big winners in the business world are staring at the invitation, they instinctively surf to a different channel. Before they RSVP with

“yes” or “no,” their brains craft journalistic campaign questions. It’s the Six-Point Party Checklist. Who? When? What? Why?

Where? And How?

Let’s take them one by one.

265

Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use. 08 (265-292) part eight 8/14/03 9:19 AM Page 266

266

How to Talk to Anyone

Who Is Going to Be at

the Party?

More specifically, who will be there that I should meet? Serious networkers calculate “Who must I meet for business? Who should I meet for political or social reasons?” And, if single and searching, “Who do I want to meet for possible love?”

If they don’t know who is going to be in attendance, they ask. Politicians unabashedly telephone the host or hostess of the party and ask, “Who’s coming?” As the party giver chats casually about the guest list, politicians scribble the names of the people who interest them, then resolve to meet each.

When Should I Arrive?

Politicians do not leave arrival time to whenever they finish getting dressed. They don’t ask themselves, “Hmm, should I be fashionably late?” They carefully calculate their estimated time of arrival and estimated time of departure.

If the party is bulging with contacts, biggies get there early to start hitting their marks as each arrives. VIPs frequently come early to get their business done before party regulars who “hate to be the first one there” start arriving. They are never embarrassed to arrive early. After all, the only people who see them are other early arrivals who are often heavy hitters like themselves.

Nor will you find politicians prowling around, the last to slink out the door. Once they’ve accomplished what they set out to do, they’re on their way to the next opportunity. If their agenda is more social, they try to leave their departure time open and their aprés-party schedule free. That way, if they make an important new contact, they can stay around and talk with him. Or drive her home. Or go somewhere else for coffee.

08 (265-292) part eight 8/14/03 9:19 AM Page 267

How to Work a Party Like a Politician Works a Room

267

What Should I Take with Me?

A politician’s checklist is not the usual, “Let’s see, my comb, cologne, and breath mints.” They pack more functional networking tools in their pockets or purses. If corporate cats will be prowling the party, they pack a pocketful of business cards. If it’s a gala where people are gadding about on the social ladder and they want to exude old-world elegance, they grab a handful of social cards containing only their name and possibly an address and phone number. (Some feel giving out a business card in a purely social setting can be gauche.) The most vital tool in their party pack is a small pad and pen to keep track of important contacts.

Why Is the Party Being Given?

The politician’s perpetual philosophy of “penetrate the ostensible”

enters here. (That’s just a fancy way of saying “look under the rug.”) They ask themselves, “What is the ostensible reason for the party?” A big industrialist is giving his daughter a graduation party? A newly divorced executive is throwing himself a birthday bash? A floundering business is celebrating its tenth year?

“Nice,” politicians say to themselves, “that’s the ostensible. But what’s the real reason for the party?” Maybe the industrialist wants to get his daughter a good job so he’s invited dozens of potential employers. The birthday boy is single again so the guest list is heavy with attractive and accomplished females. The business desperately needs good PR if it’s going to stay around another ten years. So they’ve invited the press and community makers and shakers.

Politicians have expert under-rug vision to spot the host’s real agenda. They will, of course, never discuss it at the party. How-08 (265-292) part eight 8/14/03 9:19 AM Page 268

268

How to Talk to Anyone

ever, the insight elevates them to a shared state of higher consciousness with other heavy hitters at the bash. Their knowledge also makes them valuable agents for the party giver. A savvy politician introduces the job-seeking daughter to some executives at the party or tells the most alluring women at the bash what a great guy birthday boy is. When chatting with reporters, he talks up the host’s business that needs good PR. When people support the real
why
of the party, they become popular and sought-after guests for future events.

Where Is the Collective Mind?

Often people from one profession or one interest group will comprise most of the guest list. A politician never accepts any invitation without asking herself, “What kind of people will be at this party, and what will they be thinking about?” Perhaps there will be a drove of doctors. So she clicks on the latest medical headlines and rehearses a little doc-talk. If the guests are a nest of new-age voters, the politician gets up to speed on telepathic healing, Tantric toning, and trance dancing. Politicians can’t afford to not be in the know.

How Am I Going to Follow Up on

the Party?

Now, the big finale. I call it “Contact Cement.” It’s cementing the contacts the politician has made. After meeting a good contact and exchanging cards, practically everyone says, “It’s been great talking to you. We’ll stay in touch.”

This good intention seldom happens without herculean effort. Politicians, however, make a science out of keeping up the contact. After the party, they sit at their desks and, like a game of solitaire, lay out the business cards of the people they’ve met. Using 08 (265-292) part eight 8/14/03 9:19 AM Page 269

How to Work a Party Like a Politician Works a Room

269

“The Business Card Dossier” technique described later in this section, they decide how, when, and if to deal with each. Does this person require a phone call? Should that one receive a handwritten note? Shall I E-mail or call the other one?

Use the Six-Point Party Checklist—the Who? When? Why?

Where? What? and How? of a party—as your general game plan. Now let’s get down to specifics.

08 (265-292) part eight 8/14/03 9:19 AM Page 270

✰
71
How to Avoid the Most

Common Party Blooper

The average party goer, let’s say Charlie, arrives at the bash. He makes a beeline for the refreshment table for munchies and a beverage. He then finds a few buddies and starts chatting away with them.

Chewing the nibbles on his plate and the fat with his friends, he occasionally looks around the room to see who might be new and fun to talk to. He’s hoping several attractive and interesting people at the party will spot him and come over to talk. What’s wrong with Charlie’s approach? Everything, if Charlie wants to make the party productive. Let’s start with the average party goer’s first mistake—getting some refreshments and a drink right off the bat.

People mingling at a party make judgments, often subconscious, about whom they are going to approach. Have you ever lived on a farm? Or had a dog or a cat? Then you know you never disturb animals when they are eating. Likewise, when a human animal is eating, other human animals do not feel comfortable advancing. If party goers’ eyes scan the crowd and see you with the feed bag on, they pass right over you. Subconsciously they’re saying to themselves, “Let the hungry hound chow down and
270

Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use. 08 (265-292) part eight 8/14/03 9:19 AM Page 271

How to Avoid the Most Common Party Blooper

271

maybe we’ll talk later.” Later never comes because they wind up making friends with someone else whose mouth wasn’t full. Politicians always eat before they come to the party. They know they’d need a circus juggler’s talent to shake hands, exchange business cards, hold a drink, and stuff crackers and cheese into their mouths—all with just two hands.

Technique #71

Munching or Mingling

Politicians want to be eyeball to eyeball and belly to

belly with their constituents. Like any big winner well versed in the science of proxemics and spatial

relationships, they know any object except their belt

buckle has the effect of a brick wall between two

people. Therefore they never hold food or drink at a

party.

Come to munch or come to mingle. But do not

expect to do both. Like a good politician, chow down

before you come.

08 (265-292) part eight 8/14/03 9:19 AM Page 272

✰
72
How to Make an

Unforgettable Entrance

Loretta Young makes television history when she appears at the head of her immense staircase and surveys the set. Then she swoops down to start the show.

The Pope steps out onto his balcony overlooking St. Peter’s Square in Rome and surveys the crowd. Then he begins the benediction.

Bette Davis stops in the doorway and looks around. Then she mutters, “What a dump!”

And every late-night TV comic since “Heeeere’s Johnny!”

steps center stage and scrutinizes the applauding audience. Then he reveals the reason for the smirk on his face.

What do all these great entrances have in common? Each pauses momentarily and looks around before swooping into decisive action. Movie directors love shots of THE DOORWAY where the

camera pans, the music swells, and all eyes gravitate to the honcho or honchoette standing under the frame. Does the star skulk into the room like a frightened little kitten in a new owner’s home?

Or, like many of us do at a party, frantically gravitate to the first familiar face so people won’t think he or she’s unconnected? No,
272

Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use. 08 (265-292) part eight 8/14/03 9:19 AM Page 273

How to Make an Unforgettable Entrance

273

the star stops. Then, framed by the doorway, his or her notable presence is felt by all.

People who have mastered this trick have what envious theatrical wanna-bes call “stage presence.” Stage groupies think some lucky stars are born with it. Think again, thespians. It’s cultivated. Politicians don’t just slink unnoticed into a roomful of people. Politicians make The Entrance.

With one simple technique, you too can make great entrances. I call it “Rubberneck the Room.” Before entering, stop dramatically in the doorway and survey the scene s-l-o-w-l-y with your eyes. It is significant that, while you’re standing in the doorway, you’re not thinking, “Look at me.” The reason you’re Rubbernecking the Room is not to show off. It is so you can diagnose the situation you’re walking into. Take note of the lighting, the bar, and most important, the faces. Listen to the music, the buzz of the crowd, the clinking of glasses. See who is talking to whom. While rubbernecking, you’ll also be using “Be the Chooser, Not the Choosee,”

the next technique, which helps you select your first, second, and maybe third target. Now, like the big cat who rules the jungle, leap in to make your first move toward wiping up the room.

Technique #72

Rubberneck the Room

When you arrive at the gathering, stop dramatically in

the doorway. Then s-l-o-w-l-y survey the situation. Let your eyes travel back and forth like a SWAT team

ready in a heartbeat to wipe out anything that moves.

In tandem with Rubberneck the Room, try using the following technique. 08 (265-292) part eight 8/14/03 9:19 AM Page 274

✰
73
How to Meet the

People YOU Want

to Meet

Politicians don’t wait for others to approach them. If the party host or their campaign manager has not supplied a “must meet” list, they choose their targets while Rubbernecking the Room. As their keen eyes scan the crowd, they’re asking themselves “Who would I most enjoy talking to? Who looks like they could be most beneficial to my life? Who could I learn most from in this gang?”

How do they choose? They look at everyone the same way my friend, Bob, the caricature artist, looks at people. You can tell a whole lot more than you realize if you keep your gaze fixed on someone. Every twinkle in someone’s eye and every line surrounding it tells a story—the story of the life he or she leads. Who was it who said, “At age thirty, everyone has the face he deserves”?

Yet few of us consciously look into strangers’ eyes. How foolish that, at a party or convention for making contacts, most people are embarrassed to make eye contact with people we don’t know. In my networking seminar, I prime participants to make intense visual contact by asking them to form a big circle, walk around the room, and silently stare at each other. “Gaze into each other’s eyes,” I tell them. “Examine each other’s movements.”

As they are walking, I say, “The most important business contact, the dearest friend, or the love of your life is probably not in
274

Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use. 08 (265-292) part eight 8/14/03 9:19 AM Page 275

How to Meet the People YOU Want to Meet

275

this room. Nevertheless, sometime soon, you will be in a room where you will spot someone you sense could change your life. I want you to be prepared. I want you to have the courage to make the approach and not wait in vain for that special someone to approach you.” While strolling and staring, I ask them to silently choose the four people they most want to talk to during the break.

“Only the Beautiful People Will