92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships (32 page)

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81
How to Make Them

Want to Do Favors

for You

One of my clients, Susan Evans, heads up a large real estate firm. Once, sitting in her office discussing an upcoming project, her secretary buzzed. “Excuse me, Ms. Evans, it’s your brother-in-law Harry on the phone.”

“Oh, of course,” she smiled, “put him on.” My client, making apologies for the interruption, picked up the phone. I left the room for a few moments to give her privacy.

When I returned, Susan was just hanging up, saying, “Sure, have him phone me.” She told me the call was from her brotherin-law whose young cousin worked in a gas station but was interested in a career in real estate. “The young man is going to call me and I’ll see if I can help him out.” It was obvious she was happy to do her brother-in-law a favor. We picked up our discussion where we left off.

Not four minutes later, the secretary buzzed again. “Ms. Evans, a Sonny Laker is on the line. He says he’s your brother-inlaw Harry’s cousin and he’s supposed to call you.” My client was taken aback. I could tell from her expression she was saying to herself, “Boy, my overanxious brother-in-law didn’t waste any time, did he?” It seemed obvious to both of us what had happened. Like
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greased lightning, Harry must have hot-breathedly called Cousin Sonny to give him the big headline: Evans Would See Him! Then, by dialing Ms. Evans immediately, Sonny made it seem the bigdeal interview was the most important event in his otherwise dull and dismal life.

True or not, one verity remained—Little Cousin was insensitive to an unspoken rule big winners always obey: don’t jump immediately when someone is doing you a favor. Allow the person granting the favor time to savor the pleasure of agreeing to it, before having to pay up.

Both brother-in-law and potential employee slipped in Evans’s estimate, all because of timing. To ensure the kid wouldn’t call his real-estate-mogul sister-in-law too quickly, Harry should have waited a day before telling his cousin the good news. Also, young Sonny should have asked Cousin Harry about Evans’s schedule. Sometimes an immediate call is advantageous but not when someone is granting you a favor.
Technique #81

Let ’Em Savor the Favor

Whenever a friend agrees to a favor, allow your

generous buddy time to relish the joy of his or her

beneficence before you make them pay the piper.

How long? At least twenty-four hours.

One might think Evans was unfair judging Sonny harshly just because he didn’t let her savor the favor. It runs deeper than that. Evans’s subconscious thought process goes something like this: “If this kid is insensitive to the subtleties of timing when getting a 09 (293-342B) part nine 8/14/03 9:19 AM Page 308

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job, how sensitive is he going to be when negotiating the sale of a house?” One agent’s overanxious call to an owner can mean thousands lost in commissions for the firm. Big winners have supernatural vision into your future. They see every communications blunder you make as a visible blotch on your x-ray. It dims your prognosis for being successful in life. Let’s look at yet another tenuous thread between favor asker and favor grantor that must not be severed lest the relationship unravel.

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82
How to Ask for Favors

(and Get Them!)

I once asked a well-connected friend who works in a top Los Angeles talent agency if she knew any celebrities I could contact for a project I was working on. Tania flipped though her Rolodex and came up with just the names I needed. It was obvious to both of us, I owed her big time.

When I thanked her profusely on the phone, Tania said, “Oh I’m sure you’ll find a way to pay me back.”

“Well, of course I will,” I said. “That goes without saying.”

And well it should have gone without saying. She was reminding me the favor wasn’t out of friendship, but because she expected something in return.

Two days later, Tania called and said she was coming to New York in a few months. She was just checking now if I could put her up then. Naturally I could, but blatantly cashing in on the return favor so quickly was not a smooth move. When someone does something nice for you, you find yourself with an elephant’s memory. In fact, you consciously look for ways to return the favor. Had Tania called, even years later, of course I would have remembered “I owed her one.” Frankly, I was glad it came up so quickly so I could even the score. Nevertheless, I do wish the whole barter aspect had been left unspoken. It tarnished what should have been
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a generous sharing on both sides. Tarnish always wears off on the tarnisher.

When you do someone a favor and they obviously “owe you one,” wait a few weeks. Don’t make it look like tit for tat. Allow the favor asker the pleasurable myth that you joyfully did the favor with no thought of what you’re going to get in return. They know that’s not true. You know that’s not true. But only little losers make it obvious.

Technique #82

Tit for (Wait . . . Wait) Tat

When you do someone a favor and it’s obvious that “he

owes you one,” wait a suitable amount of time before

asking him to “pay.” Let him enjoy the fact (or fiction) that you did it out of friendship. Don’t call in your tit for their tat too swiftly.

The next three techniques also involve timing, not of favors, but of important discussions.

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83
How to Know What

Not to Say at Parties

When police were hot on the tail of a thief in ancient times, he’d frantically seek a church to duck into. The crook knew if he could get to an altar, the frustrated posse could not arrest him until he came out.

When a pack of wolves in the jungle is in hot pursuit of a jackrabbit, the frightened bunny’s eyes seek a hollow log. He knows the wolves can’t devour him until he emerges.

Likewise in the human jungle, big cats have certain safe havens. Although unspoken, they are as secure as the tenth-century altar or a hole in the log. At clearly understood times and places, even the toughest tiger knows he must not attack. I call these “safe havens.”

I have a friend, Kirstin, the president of an advertising agency who each year invites me to her company’s Christmas party. One year, the holiday spirit was in extra-high swing. Conviviality was high and champagne flowed freely. It was a terrific bash. The evening wore on, more bubbly flowed, and the decibel level of the holiday revelers went up and up. So high, in fact, that Kirstin told me she was going to tiptoe out the back door and offered to drop me off at my place.

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As we were making our way toward the exit, we heard a woozy voice in the crowd, “Oh Kirrr-stin, Kirrr-stin!” A mail-room worker, warped with too much seasonal spirit, wobbled up to her boss and said, “You know, thish ish a great party, a grr-reat party. But I been doin’ some figuring. If half what it cost went into a child-care facility for the seven, count ’em, seven mothers with preschool children who work here . . .”

Kirstin, a top communicator, took Jane’s hands in hers and gave her a big smile. She said, “Jane, you’re obviously excellent at math. You’re right, just about half of what this party cost would indeed pay for the opening of such a facility. Let’s talk about it during business hours.” We then made a swift departure. On the way back to my place, she let out a big breath and said,

“Whew, I’m glad that’s over.”

“Didn’t you enjoy the party, Kirstin?” I asked.

“Well, sure,” she said, “But you never know what’s going to happen. For instance,” she said, “that remark Jane made.” She went on to explain management had already had several meetings about opening a child-care facility for employees. In fact, plans for turning an unused storage area into a beautiful nursery were already in the works. Naïvely, I asked Kirstin why she hadn’t mentioned that to Jane.

“It wasn’t the right time or place.” Kirstin had handled the situation at the party the way any big winner would—no spoken confrontation now (but probable silent condemnation later). Jane, unfortunately, had broken the first unspoken safe-haven rule, “Parties Are for Pratter.” Did Kirstin chastise Jane? Did she punish her inappropriate behavior? Not then, of course. Nevertheless, Jane would probably feel the repercussions a few months down the pike when it came to promotion time. But by then poor Jane wouldn’t even know why she was passed over.

Will it be because of a one-time overimbibing? Jane might grumble, “Yes.” Jane is wrong. It’s simply that big players can’t take 09 (293-342B) part nine 8/14/03 9:19 AM Page 313

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the chance that one of their key people will feel too much holiday spirit at another party and next time confront an important client.
Technique #83

Parties Are for Prat ter

There are three sacred safe havens in the human jungle

where even the toughest tiger knows he must not

attack. The first of these is parties.

Parties are for pleasantries and good fellowship, not

for confrontations. Big players, even when standing

next to their enemies at the buffet table, smile and nod. They leave tough talk for tougher settings.

Let’s move to the second safe haven where big cats can escape the claws of bigger cats and, they hope, the growls of lesser ones. 09 (293-342B) part nine 8/14/03 9:19 AM Page 314

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84
How to Know What

Not to Say at Dinner

Did you ever wonder why business lunches between big bosses go on interminably long, sometimes well into the afternoon? Did you ever suspect it’s just because they like to sit, drink, and massage each other on the company expense account? Perhaps there’s an element of that. But the main reason is because the dining table is an even more sacred safe haven than a party. Big boys and big girls realize, whether it’s a business dinner, lunch, or breakfast, breaking bread together is a time when they must discuss no unpleasant aspects of the business. After all, tough negotiating can kill your appetite.

Let’s listen in on an average business lunch between big players. We hear the clanking of glasses as they consume drinks over convivial conversation. They are discussing golf, the weather, and making general observations about the state of the business. During the main course, the discourse turns to food, the arts, current affairs, and other nonthreatening subjects.

“Wasted time?” one might ask. Not at all! The big players are watching each other’s moves very carefully, calculating each other’s skills, knowledge, prowess. Like NFL scouts observing college football practice, they’re determining who’s got the right stuff. Big
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players know how people handle themselves at a social occasion is an accurate barometer of their big-business muscle. As they are smiling and laughing at each other’s jokes, they are all making silent critical judgments.

Finally, coffee arrives. At this point one or more of the biggies gently broaches the business at hand. Naturally, he or she does it with supposed reluctance, trying to repress the obvious relief that at last they can get down to significant stuff. He exudes, “What a shame such genial company should have to concern itself with mundane matters like making money.”

Only after they have played out this crucial charade can they discuss business. But no dirty business. The biggies can brainstorm over coffee. They can discuss proposals over dessert. They can toss around new ideas over cordials. They can explore the positive side of the merger, the acquisition, or the partnership while waiting for the check.

However, should any disagreement, misunderstanding, or controversial aspect arise, they must immediately relegate it to another table, the conference table.

Technique #84

Dinner’s for Dining

The most guarded safe haven respected by big winners

is the dining table. Breaking bread together is a time

when they bring up no unpleasant matters. While

eating, they know it’s OK to brainstorm and discuss the positive side of the business: their dreams, their desires, their designs. They can free associate and come up with new ideas. But no tough business.

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This convention probably arose out of a prudent agreement not to inflict indigestion on each other. Tough negotiating is unpalatable and can ruin an otherwise perfectly mouthwatering veal chop.

Incidentally, the same rule applies in the social jungle. If one partner in a friendship or a love relationship has some heavy relationship issues to discuss, save them for after dessert. Even if you don’t solve the problem, you want to enjoy the delicious chocolate soufflé.

Let’s crawl into our third and final safe haven to explore it. 09 (293-342B) part nine 8/14/03 9:19 AM Page 317

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85
How to Know What

Not to Say in a

Chance Meeting

William, who sells widgets, has been trying to get Big Winner on the phone for weeks to see if B.W.’s company will buy his line of widgets. Big Winner is still considering Willie’s widgets and plans eventually to return his call. However, at this point in our story, our little hero’s phone has not rung.