92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships (25 page)

Technique #59

The Tombstone Game

Ask the important people in your life what they would

like engraved on their tombstone. Chisel it into your

memory but don’t mention it again. Then, when the

moment is right to say “I appreciate you” or “I love

you,” fill the blanks with the very words they gave you weeks earlier.

You take people’s breath away when you feed their

deepest self-image to them in a compliment. “At last,”

they say to themselves, “someone who loves me for who

I truly am.”

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The Tombstone Game compliments are not interchangeable. Billy Bucks might not appreciate your calling him a man of his word; Billy’s thing is humor. Jane might not value your thinking she lives life her way. Her source of pride is spreading joy wherever she goes. It’s wonderful to tell people you appreciate or love them. When it matches what they appreciate or love about themselves, the effect is overpowering.

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✰PARTSEVEN

How to Direc t Dial

Their Heart s

Hundreds of people have formed impressions of you through that little device on your desk, your bed table, your kitchen wall. And they’ve never actually met you. They’ve never seen your smiles, felt your frowns. They’ve never grasped your hand or enjoyed your hugs. They’ve never read your body language or seen how you dress. Everything they know about you came through tiny filaments, sometimes from hundreds of miles away. But they feel they know you just from the sound of your voice. That’s how powerful the telephone is. Powerful, yes, but not always accurate. For years I dealt with my travel agent only by phone. Rani, my faceless agent whom I’d never met in person, got me rock-bottom prices on airfares, cars, and hotels. But her snippy phone personality really ticked me off. A dozen times I vowed to find another agent.

One Monday morning several years ago, I received bad news and had to book an immediate flight home for a family emergency. I had no time to wait in line at the airport, so I jumped in a cab and asked the driver to wait in front of the travel agency while I grabbed tickets and a boarding pass.

Like a lit fuse, I zipped into Rani’s agency for the first time. Seeing my frenzied rush, the woman sitting at the front desk sympathetically jumped up. She gave me a reassuring smile and asked
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how she could help me. As I blithered on about my need for an emergency ticket, she smiled, nodded, and lunged immediately into action. “What a terrific lady!” I thought as she printed out the tickets.

Moments later, darting out gratefully grasping the tickets in my fist, I called out over my shoulder, “By the way, what’s your name?”

“Leil, I’m Rani,” she said. I whirled around and saw a thoroughly congenial woman with a big smile on her face waving to wish me a safe trip. I was dumbfounded! Why had I previously thought she was so snippy? Rani was, well, so nice.

Sitting back in the cab on the way to the airport, I figured it all out. Rani’s friendliness—her warm smile, her nods, her good eye contact, her body language, her “I’m here for you” attitude—

were all silent signals that didn’t travel through wires. I closed my eyes and tried to remember the voice I had heard moments ago. Yes, it was Rani’s same crisp, curt pronunciation. But her friendly body language made her seem like a different person from the brusque agent I’d dealt with on the phone. Rani’s phone personality and her demeanor in person were completely different shows. I realized it’s the same with all of us. Your personality, mine, and everyone’s could be likened to a show, a theatrical performance. You want to make sure yours is a box-office smash, not a flop. The following ten techniques will get your phone personality rave reviews. 07 (229-264B) part seven 8/14/03 9:19 AM Page 231

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60
How to Sound More

Exciting on the Phone

I have a friend, Tina, who designed costumes for an off-offBroadway show that became a smash hit a few years ago. The tiny show was such a critical success, it won the heart of an angel—

a backer—and it went to Broadway. There the show laid a big fat egg.

When I read the bad news, I called Tina. “Tina, why did the show get such bad reviews on Broadway?” Tina told me that, sadly, the director didn’t insist the actors and actresses change their performances to adapt to the new surroundings. The actors’ understated movements, which moved small audiences alternately to laughter and tears, were lost in the big Broadway house. Audiences couldn’t see their subtle gestures and poignant facial expressions. Tina told me the performers neglected to make their movements much bigger to fit the new medium.

That excellent advice is not just for actors. Whenever you are talking, you must consider your medium. If your face were on a big movie screen, you might get your message across with a wink or an eyebrow raise. On radio, however, that would be meaningless. Because listeners couldn’t see your wink, you’d have to say something like “Hi, Cutie.” Because listeners couldn’t see your raised eyebrows, you’d have to say, “Wow, I’m surprised!”

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Your body language and facial expressions comprise more than half your personality. When people don’t see you, they can get an entirely wrong impression as I did with Rani. To get your personality across on the phone, you must translate your emotions into sound. In fact, you have to exaggerate the sound because studies have shown people lose 30 percent of the energy level in their voices on the phone.

Say you meet an important new contact tomorrow. When

you’re introduced, you shake her hand, you fully face her. You make good, strong eye contact and let a sincere smile flood over your face. You even nod and smile, listening intently as she speaks. She likes you a lot.

But how good an impression could you make on that VIP if both you and she were blindfolded and the two of you had your hands tied behind your backs? That’s the handicap you suffer on the phone.

If she couldn’t see you, you’d have to substitute words to let her know you’re agreeing or listening. You’d have to somehow verbalize that you’re smiling and use her name more to replace the eye contact. You’d be using the technique I call “Talking Gestures.”

To make up for your missing eye contact, punctuate your phone conversations with “Uh huh” or “I hear you.” So your listener knows you’re nodding in approval, verbalize “I see,” “Oh that’s great,” “No kidding,” “Interesting,” and “Tell me more!”

She didn’t see you hitting your head in surprise? Better say

“What a surprise!” or “You don’t say!”

He just said something impressive and he can’t see your look of admiration? Try “That was wise of you” or “You’re no dummy!”

Of course, you need a big verbal smile in your repertoire. Try

“Oh, wow, that’s funny!” Obviously you’re going to choose phrases that match your personality and the situation. Just make sure your phone listeners hear your emotions.

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Technique #60

Talking Gestures

Think of yourself as the star of a personal radio drama every time you pick up the phone. If you want to come

across as engaging as you are, you must turn your

smiles into sound, your nods into noise, and all your

gestures into something your listener can hear. You

must replace your gestures with talk. Then punch up

the whole act 30 percent!

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61
How to Sound Close

(Even if You’re Hundreds

of Miles Away)

When you’re not sitting across from each other resting your elbows on the same desk, your forks on the same table, or your heads on the same pillow, you need a substitute for intimacy. How can you create closeness when the two of you are hundreds of miles apart?

How can you make the person you’re talking to on the phone feel special when you can’t pat their back or give them a little hug?

The answer is simple. Just use your caller’s name far more often than you would in person. In fact, shower your conversations with his or her name. When your listener hears it, it’s like receiving a verbal caress:

“Thanks, Sam.”

“Let’s do it, Betty.”

“Hey, Demetri, why not?”

“It’s really been good talking to you, Kathi.”

Saying a person’s name too often in face-to-face conversation sounds manipulative. However, on the phone the effect is dramatically different. If you heard someone say your name, even if you were being jostled around in a big noisy crowd, you’d perk up
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How to Sound Close (Even if You’re Hundreds of Miles Away)
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and listen. Likewise, when your phone partner hears his or her own name coming through the receiver, it commands attention and recreates the familiarity the phone robs from you. If your listener is drifting, it brings him right back. If she’s opening mail, she stops. If he’s picking his teeth, he pulls the pick out. When you say someone’s name on the phone, it’s like yanking the person into the room with you.
Technique #61

Name Shower

People perk up when they hear their own name. Use it

more often on the phone than you would in person to

keep their attention. Your caller’s name re-creates the eye contact, the caress, you might give in person.

Saying someone’s name repeatedly when face-to-face

sounds pandering. But because there is physical distance between you on the phone—sometimes you’re a continent apart—you can spray your conversation with it. 07 (229-264B) part seven 8/14/03 9:19 AM Page 236

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How to Make ’Em

Happy They Called You

Brr-ing! No matter whether you hear the ring in the boardroom, the bedroom, or the bathroom, self-styled telephone experts tell you, “Smile before answering.” Some pros even suggest you perch a mirror right next to your phone to monitor your grin. Been there, done that, doesn’t work. One evening, in the middle of my weekly mud-pack facial, the phone rang. The horror of seeing myself in the phone mirror made my voice as hideous as my face. I immediately trashed the pro’s advice along with the mirror. Who wants to sound like a dizzy Pollyanna? A no-brain Cheshire cat? A lonely recluse whose life is so dull that the big thrill of the day is a phone call? Any phone call? From anybody!

Big winners don’t smile before answering. They put a smile in their voices after they hear who is on the line. That’s when it counts. Answer the phone unemotionally, professionally. Say your name or the name of your company. Then when you hear who is on the line, the little trick is to let a big smile flood over your face.

“Oh Joe, [smile] how nice to hear from you!” “Sally, [smile]

how are you?” “Bill, [smile] I was hoping it would be you.”

My friend Steve lives in Washington, D.C., and heads a major trade association that lobbies on Capitol Hill. Whenever I call Steve, I never know which of his dozens of assistants is going to
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answer. Nevertheless, whoever answers gives me the same warm response.

First he or she says, “Cable Telecommunications Association,”

the individual’s name, and “How may I direct your call?” No fake friendliness. No prefab smiles in the voice. I am sure the assistant is not beaming back at his-or herself in any mirror.

When I say “Is Mr. Effros available? This is Leil Lowndes calling,” that’s when the employee becomes superfriendly. “Oh yes, Ms. Lowndes,” he or she purrs. “Definitely! Let me put you right through.”

Wow, does that make me feel special! As I’m waiting for Steve to come to the phone, I fantasize him sitting at the head of a long mahogany table in his weekly staff meeting. I can just hear him instructing his staff, “Now if the president or some higher-ups in the White House call, put them right through. Oh, and of course, if that important woman Leil Lowndes calls, put her right through, too.”

While visiting Washington last year, I had lunch with Steve. I took the opportunity to tell him what a pleasure it was to call his office and how I appreciated his staff ’s warm phone reception. I thanked him for familiarizing each with my name and mentioning I might be calling from time to time. Steve looked across the table at me and blinked. “Leil,” he said, “you teach telephone skills. Haven’t you caught on?”

“Huh?”

“Forgive me if I’m bursting a bubble,” Steve said, “but everyone gets that reception, no matter who’s calling.”

“Oh!”

When a Pain in the Neck Calls

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“what if the caller is unknown, a complete stranger? Surely your staffers shouldn’t fake they know the caller.”

“Of course not, Leil. In that case, I instruct them to show energy and enthusiasm over the reason they’re calling. For example, suppose the caller is a cable operator wanting to join our association. The caller would get a smile and a sincere, ‘Oh yes, Mr. Smith, I’ll put you right through.’ ”