A Beautiful Struggle (23 page)

***

A week later I still hadn’t heard from
Elliot. I knew he was in the office, but I was so angry at him that I really
didn’t want to see him. Time was dragging on, and I felt like I was one big
ball of pent-up anger, I was angry at Elliot for ignoring me. I was angry at
David for avoiding me, and I was angry at myself for getting caught up in my
emotions when I had promised myself I wouldn’t do that again.

I purposefully took the sorted microfiche
to Elliot’s office at lunch time, so I didn’t have to see him. As I passed
Beth’s desk, I saw a photo pinned to her cork board – it was of her and David.
She was smiling and looking at the camera, and he was kissing her on the cheek.
My head started to throb when I saw it, I was so upset with him for leaving me,
and I was furious seeing him posing with her. I desperately wanted to rip that
photo down, tear it into little pieces and stomp it into the floor.

“We took that at my friend’s birthday party
last weekend,” Beth said behind me.

Taking a calming breath, I plastered a fake
smile on my face before I turned around, “It’s a great picture,” I told her
flatly.

“Thank you,” she said walking over to it
and touching it. “I think we look really good together, don’t you?” I could see
in her eyes that she was goading me.

“Sure, you look great,” I replied quickly.
I then held up the microfiche in my hand, walking into Elliot’s office and
dropping them on his desk.

As I exited Beth called, “I’ll tell David
you said hi. I’m just about to meet him for lunch.”

“You do that,” I told her, turning on my
heels and walking away from her. What David saw in her, I had no idea.

I desperately needed to get out of the
office to clear my head. Grabbing my bag, I caught the lift downstairs. When I
stepped out, I saw David lounging on the circular lounge in the foyer. I smiled
tightly at him and started directly for the door.

He jumped up, “Katrina, wait a second – is
everything ok?” he looked at me, his brows furrowed in concern.

“What the fuck do you care!” I snarled at
him over my shoulder, not bothering to stop on my way towards the automatic
doors.

He caught me by the arm, stopping me in my
tracks. I stopped moving but kept my face turned away from him. I was barely
holding myself together and David knew me well enough to read my emotions. I
didn’t need him to be kind to me – I’d fall apart if he was.

His voice was soft when he spoke, “Trina,
just because I need my space right now, doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.”

Tears surged from within me and threatened
to spill from my eyes, I swallowed the lump in my throat, forcing my emotions
back down inside of me. “Barely speaking to me for a month is a funny way of
showing it,” I bit back at him, snapping my arm from his grasp and storming out
of the door, squeezing my eyes shut to keep my tears at bay.

I spent my lunch time walking at top speed
through the streets of the city trying to work away my anger and my
disappointment.

When I thought about Elliot or David, I
wanted to cry or scream out my rage. David had deserted me and left me
friendless when we had spent the majority of our lives being him and me against
the world; and then there was Elliot, who had lifted me up and made me love
again only to turn cold on me a day later – because why? His dad didn’t
approve? I could only suppose since he wouldn’t even talk to me!

I got back to work late but didn’t really
care if I got into trouble for it – no one noticed except of course Bianca, who
made a comment as I passed reception. I simply glared at her and kept going,
not feeling in the mood for her bullshit.

I motored through everything that was in my
tray, searched the office for missing books and then asked Priya if I could go
home an hour early since there was nothing left for me to do work wise. She
agreed, and I grabbed my things, taking the door that led to the bathrooms so I
bypassed reception, not wanting to walk past Bianca again.

Instead, I almost walked smack into Elliot;
we stopped and stared each other for a moment, both clearly frazzled by walking
into each other like that. I narrowed my eyes at him and waited for him to say
something. He at least had the decency to appear flustered under my gaze, he
looked at his feet and cleared his throat.

“Excuse me,” he said quietly, stepping to
the side to let me through.

My breath caught as my heart shattered into
a million pieces, I couldn’t believe he was that cold towards me – there wasn’t
a person around to see him speak to me kindly; He could have at least told me
that he would call so we could talk, or said sorry for not contacting me –
something!

“Go and fist yourself,” I snarled at him as
I passed, if I was going to get dumped for being a westie – I might as well act
like one.

That interaction spoke volumes to me and I
deserved better, I was done with him.

***

The moment I walked in the front door, I
saw my mother and burst into tears. I had been strong and held on to my
emotions all day but upon seeing her, the person who loved me most in this
world, I couldn’t hold on any longer.

She sat with her arm around me and listened
as I sobbed out my story, telling her how stupid I felt to get my hopes up when
Elliot suggested new jobs so we could be together, and even more stupid for
believing him when he told me he loved me. I told her about the short
conversation I had with his father and how he’d called me a ‘westie girl’ and
how Elliot had been ignoring my calls and texts and how he acted like he didn’t
know me - even when no one else was around. I then told her about the photo I
saw of David and Beth and how much I felt hurt and abandoned by him – I missed
him so much and right now; I felt incredibly small and alone.

My mother didn’t give me any advice, she
just held me while I wept and then covered me with a blanket when I fell
asleep.

I spent the next week in mourning. Moving
through my life like a zombie – performing all of my necessary tasks while my
mind could focus on nothing but my troubles. In two short months, I had managed
to drive away my best friend because of a relationship with a man who turned
the other way and ran the moment things started to move forward.

Each time my phone beeped I jumped and
grabbed at it, fiercely hoping for a life line from one of them. Each time I
was saddened when instead, it was a text from my mother, with information about
dinner or her whereabouts, or my brother sending me a joke to try to cheer me
up and occasionally, Christopher.
At least I could manage to keep one guy
interested in me,
I thought despondently as I looked down at one of his
texts.

I was angry and disappointed with Elliot,
but with David, I was angry at myself for not listening to him – again. I felt
bad for treating him ruthlessly when I saw him in the foyer at work, but pride,
and the fear that I had ruined what little we had left stopped me from trying
to contact him.

When I woke on Wednesday morning, I felt
empty, and very swollen from another night spent crying and feeling sorry for
myself. I went to the freezer and pulled out an ice pack, wrapping it in a tea
towel before laying back down to press it over my eyes. My mother made me a cup
of sweet milky tea, as she had been every day the last week - saying that it’s
great for a heart ache; and left me alone again.

I dragged myself into work and once again
avoided everyone I could. Carmen had told me on Monday that she had questioned
Andrew about why Elliot wasn’t speaking to me, and he had told her that
Elliot’s father had threatened to cut him off entirely if he continued our
relationship. As was expected, it all had to do with the fact I was from
Western Sydney and that Elliot's father thought that I was only after him for
their money.

The thing that hurt me most was that Elliot
didn’t fight for us, he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me and then
the moment his father got involved, he cut off all contact – he didn’t even
have the decency to break up with me via a text message! He just left it all in
the air, unresolved and hanging there. I thought we had enough of a friendship
that at the very least I deserved an “I’m sorry, but it’s over.” But no – there
was nothing. He just treated me like he didn’t even know me. Gotye’s
Somebody
that I used to know
, had become my song of the moment, I listened to it
repeatedly as my mind worked through my feelings. 

I hadn’t trained all week as I didn’t have
the energy to put into it, I was seriously considering giving up the sport
altogether to focus more on uni and work – I needed to change my life; it just
wasn’t working the way it was.

My phone beeped a message,
Can I come
over tonight?
It read. The message was from David. Instead of being elated
at seeing his name on my screen, I huffed out my breath and dropped my phone on
the desk beside me without replying. I had been expecting to feel glad when he
contacted me. But after all I had been through recently, seeing his name
invoked fear of another heated discussion between us and I had cried enough. I
wasn’t in the mood for anymore man drama – I just wanted to… I just wanted to
forget them both.

I decided that I could do with a night out
dancing, even if it was on my own. When I got home I showered, did my hair and
makeup and put on a nice dress; my mother gave me a concerned look when I told
her my plans.

“Mum, I just want to try to have a bit of
fun – I promise not to have more than two drinks ok?”

“Just be careful, I don’t like that you’re
going out on your own. I wish you’d call your brother and see if he wants to go
with you.”

“I’m going to the Irish pub mum; there will
be somebody I know from school or uni there, for sure.”

She sighed and nodded, telling me to have a
good time.

I could hear the band playing as I pushed
my way through the Wednesday night crowd at the Irish pub in Emu Plains and
made my way up to the bar. I ordered a Midori, Bacardi and lemonade – the
bartender shook his head and told me they weren’t allowed to serve doubles anymore.

“Wow, I haven’t been here in a while then –
just give me a midori and lemonade, and a Bacardi shot then; can you do that?”

He nodded and started mixing my drink.
“I’ll pay,” a familiar male voice said as a hand came over my shoulder passing
a twenty dollar note to the bartender.

“Hello Christopher,” I said evenly without
turning around.

“Katrina, long time no see.”

“Well, I have a very good reason for that,”
I said holding up my forearms and displaying my scars. “Thanks for the drinks,”
I picked up my glasses and started to walk outside so I could watch the band.

“Katrina, you know I would never
intentionally hurt you – it was the drugs, not me.”

“Christopher, I don’t want any drama
tonight. I forgive you for what happened ok - I just want to go and listen to
some music, have my drinks and dance a bit; that’s all.”

Christopher held out his hands in a
non-threatening manner, his dark hair falling over even darker eyes. “Hey, I’m
not trying to get you to take me back – I just thought we could hang out a bit;
Brent and Abby are here - remember how much fun we used to have before
everything got so messed up? No pressure, just friends talking. I promise.” He
flashed his male model smile at me, stark white teeth against his olive skin
and I found myself smiling back and nodding. Despite my better judgement, his
charm still worked on me. Clapped his hands together satisfactorily, he said,
“That’s great. They'll be really happy to see you.”

“I’d like to see them too actually.” I
hadn’t seen Brent and Abby since Christopher put me in hospital, and they had
come to visit me. Abby had tried to talk to me about Christopher’s steroid use.
I think she was pleading with me to forgive him and not press charges. I liked
her a lot. They had kind of been Christopher's, and my couple friends while we
were together.

“Oh my goodness! How great to see you!”
Abby called out as I approached with Christopher, “it’s been so long – how are
you?” she asked hugging me.

“I’m fine,” I lied, “it’s great to see you.
I've missed our chats.” That was the truth, I had missed talking to Abby, she
was one of the few girls I got along well with.

“Me too, tell me about your life right now
– what’s happening?”

I gave her the version of my life that
didn’t involve Elliot or David. I asked her if anything new was happening in
her life, and she told me she and Brent had been ring shopping as they were
planning on getting engaged – organising a romantic way to propose was up to
him, but she wanted to make sure he knew exactly what type of ring to choose.

“About time,” I told her. “How long have
you two been together? Nearly five years now?”

“Yep, almost,” offered Brent, “it’s time to
turn her into an official ball and chain.”

Abby playfully tapped him on the arm, and
he held his hands up in surrender. I was so busy watching them that I didn’t
notice David coming up behind me.