A Better Man (The Men of Halfway House) (13 page)

"I'll be right back," Julian said, rising from his seat to walk over to the buffet for the third time. How the hell the man stayed so trim was beyond Matt. He watched as Julian piled more pasta on his plate and grabbed another dish with a few pieces of bread.

He shook his head and smiled. Julian had no idea how the little things, the totally natural and human things he did around Matt, meant the most to him. He had become accustomed, for most of his lifetime, to having to fill a role—the perfectly polished son while in his home, the hard decision maker while in the office—and he wasn't sure how it felt to just be himself. Until he met Julian.

Julian didn't play games. He was who he was, and somehow, Julian didn't care whether people liked him or not. He wouldn't conform. Matt had never met anyone like him and doubted he ever would.

"Here you go. I figured you might want one," Julian said, placing the plate with garlic rolls between them on the table as he took his seat.

"Thanks."

They ate silently for a while. Matt slowly worked his first plate of pasta while Julian had managed to return with a fresh plate.

"Why are you so quiet? Tell me you're not thinking about that phone call again," Julian said, sprinkling some cheese on his marinara sauce.

Matt shook his head. "I haven't thought about it since we left the house. Thanks."

"Good," Julian said with a teasing sparkle in his eye. "I'm glad."

"This is nice."

"Which part? The amazing food or the great company," Julian said as he pushed another forkful of pasta in his mouth.

Matt smiled. "Both. I don't want to mess things up," he said under his breath.

"What do you mean by 'mess things up'?" Julian said, slowing his chewing pace.

"This thing," Matt said, moving his hand back and forth between them. "Whatever
this
is?"

"I'm not following," Julian said slowly with a little hesitation.

Matt wasn't sure what he wanted to say or do, but he was certain of one thing—he couldn't lose Julian.

"I like the way things are between us, I don't want anything to change."

"The way they
are
?" Julian asked.

Matt nodded.

"Oh," Julian said, putting his fork down. He grabbed one of the garlic rolls and plucked a piece from the bun.

"Is something wrong?"

Julian shook his head.

"You stopped eating?"

"I'm full," he said, plucking another piece from the roll and absently stacking it on the plate. "So what does that mean?"

"What does what mean?" Matt asked.

Julian looked away for a moment as if gathering his thoughts. His mood had dimmed. He was quiet, his brow lowered, and he bit his lower lip. He had an air of hesitation which was unusual. His vision snapped back to Matt. "When you say, 'the way they are'. What does that mean?"

Matt cocked his head. "I like working with you. I'm glad you didn't run out that first day."

Julian nodded then looked away again. "I like working with you too. I, ah, wouldn't want to mess that up either."

Matt smiled.

Julian remained quiet for a while longer. The waiter had cleared the last still full plate of pasta Julian hadn't touched and the plate with the crumbs of bread Julian had plucked from the roll. Something was wrong but Matt didn't know what the hell had happened in the span of a few moments to ruin the effortless air between them.

"Does that mean we can't have lunch or dinner together anymore?"

Matt stilled at Julian's question. "I like our lunches and dinner."

Julian nodded. "Okay."

Matt watched as Julian folded and unfolded his napkin repeatedly.

"If you need a ride or something, I can still do that, if you want," he added the last quietly.

Matt looked at him, questioning. "Uh, yeah. If you can."

Julian nodded. "Okay," he said with a forced half smile.

Matt felt a slight panic begin to build. "I like having you around. I know that sounds bad, but I mean that in a good way. I swear."

"I can live with that," Julian said with a sad smile.

Matt wrapped his arms around himself. He felt a wave of grief pass over him but he wasn't even sure what he had lost.

Chapter 11

November

Matt slammed the phone on his desk then closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. Yet another of his mom's phone calls, which had become more and more regular over the last few weeks. Why did they always leave him feeling like shit? Cornered, frustrated, suffocated, at wits' end. He hated playing this role with her, hated lying about who he was, what he was doing, what he wanted, all for the sake of saving the family name. He didn't care anymore. It was a huge burden that weighed him down, oppressing him, forcing him to give in and sacrifice. He had accepted it as a child, when he didn't know any better. Now, he just couldn't stand it anymore. A rush of anger rose in him, his head pounded, and he wished this pressure would stop.

"You okay, man?"

Matt opened his eyes to see Julian leaning against the doorframe, dressed in a dark, olive-colored suit and a tie which highlighted the green shade of his eyes. The light yellow dress shirt fit tightly against his broad chest and accentuated his golden skin. He looked classy, somewhat exotic, and sexy as hell. He thought he saw a glimmer of concern in his eyes, but it quickly disappeared.

"Hellllloooo?" Julian said as he waved his hand up and down to get Matt's attention.

Matt realized he'd been staring and grinned. He damn sure wasn't embarrassed, that was to be expected with Julian looking like that in a suit. "Yeah?" he asked, realizing he couldn't remember the question.

Julian tilted his head. "I asked if you were okay."

"Oh, um, yeah. I'm fine," he lied.

"Family again?" he asked with that look of concern in his eyes again.

Matt simply nodded. He didn't feel comfortable attempting to formulate words to describe how wound up he was from the phone call. He decided to focus on something more positive. "You look good," he said simply as he kept admiring Julian.

Julian laughed quietly, almost embarrassed. "Thanks," he said with a smile. "How about you come with me?"

"Huh, what? Where?" Matt was caught off guard.

"My old landlord, David, his niece had a baby and they're throwing this party for her baptism," he said as he took a seat at the edge of Matt's desk.

Matt looked at Julian's pants as they tightened around his thighs when he sat. He let his gaze follow up the lines of Julian's torso until he met with a pair of green eyes.

"A party for a baptism?"

Julian shrugged. "It's a big deal. They tried to have a baby for about seven years so it's worth a celebration. C'mon, be my plus one," he said with a teasing smirk.

Matt felt a tightness in his chest and a little bit of anticipation start to build, but tried to reciprocate the teasing. "Like a date?" he asked, mimicking Julian's half smile.

Something had shifted between them last month. They still worked well together but that extra hint of a personal connection had minimized. Julian was keeping his distance, and when Matt thought they were inching closer again, Julian would erect a barrier greater than the Berlin Wall. He wanted a chance to rekindle the spark, risk a chance at another kiss to see if that fire still burned between them.

"There's no way I'm leaving you alone after talking to your family. The last time you had this look on your face you chopped all your hair off and that's not happening again," Julian said as he stood with crossed arms and a serious look on his face. "Besides, it'll do the both of us some good to get out of construction mode for a little while."

"I don't need a babysitter," Matt mumbled, disappointed.

"You'd be doing me a favor. C'mon. If I go alone, David is going to try to set me up with his nephew or something," he grumbled, rolling his eyes.

Matt couldn't help but laugh. He weighed his options; stay here, alone, replaying the conversation with his mother until he needed to escape, or go with suit-wearing Julian to some party and stare at him all night. Hmm. Decisions, decisions. "When's the party?" he asked, finally giving in.

"We need to leave in about twenty minutes to get there in time."

"Okay," he said, coming around the desk and making his way to his room.

* * * *

Matt glanced at his reflection in the mirror. The man staring back at him looked like his old self in the dark blue pinstripe suit with classic white shirt and dark red power tie. The closer he looked, the more he realized how different he had become. It was a façade. The fearlessness he'd had in his eyes before his time in prison no longer existed. Rather, he saw an uncertainty he hated. He shook his head as he realized he was letting the conversation with his mother affect him.
Shit.
He hated how she could get under his skin. Just when things were going well, a simple phone call from her would set him off-balance, raise his insecurities, cause him to question his motives, and make him wonder if it was all worth it. He tried to shake off the thoughts and focus on anything but the call and how it made him feel. After one last look in the mirror to ensure his tie was straight, he switched off the bathroom light and found Julian in the hallway reviewing the plans while he patiently waited.

When Julian saw him exit the room, he immediately straightened and gave Matt a beaming smile. "Damn, you look good," he said boldly.

With that, Matt returned an equally large grin and hooked his arm in the crook of Julian's as he led him out the back to the truck. "Let's go, plus one."

Julian laughed and Matt already felt the stress of the phone call leave him as they drove away.

* * * *

"Jules!"

Julian groaned when he heard that damn nickname he hated so much.

"Jules?" Matt asked.

"Don't go there, please," Julian said in a hushed tone before feeling the stubby arms wrap around his neck pulling him down into a bear hug. He couldn't help but laugh as David squeezed him in an embrace.

"How ya doin', Jules? You doin' good?" David asked as he finally released the death grip on him.

"Yup, never better," he said, adjusting his suit jacket. "David, this is Matt."

"Hi, it's nice to meet you," Matt said, extending his hand.

"Any friend of Jules is a friend of mine," David said, shooing Matt's hand away and embracing him.

Matt looked at Julian over David's shoulder. Julian couldn't help but laugh at the stunned expression on Matt's face. After finally being released, Matt straightened and smoothed out his suit.

"Thank you for coming." David patted Julian on the arm. "You know pretty much everyone here so have some fun," he finished before leaving them to rejoin a cluster of family members.

"Um, is he always like that?" Matt asked, still a little shocked.

"With me, yeah."

"Just you?" Matt asked suspiciously.

Julian couldn't help but burst into laughter. "Seriously, dude. He sees me as a son, I think. Besides, I've known him and his family for a couple of years now. He's been good to me. He's a great guy so cut him some slack. He's a hugger."

"No shit," Matt said, still trying to straighten the cuff of his sleeves.

Julian just shook his head and led Matt to one of the tables off to the side. He waved to those who saw him arrive, but he wanted some alone time with Matt. "Is this good?" Julian asked, pointing to one of the empty tables next to the back wall.

"Perfect," Matt said and pulled out the chair.

Julian took off the suit jacket and hung it on the back of his chair. It was too damn stuffy to wear a jacket
and
a noose around his neck. He figured ditching the jacket was an acceptable compromise.

"This is nice," Matt said, looking around. "It's a big family," he muttered so quietly Julian almost missed it.

"Yeah, and they're all really close." Julian cautiously watched as a mix of emotions crossed Matt's face. He scooted his chair closer to Matt which earned him a grin.

"Hey there, plus one," Matt said softly with a hint of a smile.

"Hey there," Julian responded in the same tone.

"So, I know you don't like Jules, are there any other nicknames?"

"What's wrong with my name?" he asked with a frown.

"How about J?"

"It's a letter, not a name."

"So?"

"I don't call you M?"

Matt chuckled. "Speaking of M," he began, trying to sound nonchalant. "Are you ever going to tell me what your middle initial stands for?"

Julian wondered why Matt insisted on knowing his middle name.

"C'mon, J, tell me," he said, punctuating the new nickname.

Julian didn't want to say anything, but he actually loved the new nickname. For him, it felt like the equivalent of an endearment. He wasn't much of a 'honey', 'baby', or 'sweetie' type of guy. This use of the single letter J? He could totally get used to that, especially since it came from Matt. Matt may have thought he would irritate him by using the shorter name, but it had the exact opposite effect. It felt like a subtle caress.