A Breath Until Forever (17 page)

Then there was the ranch. It was a demanding shut-in, that needed constant attention and a cash flow that Joshua just did not have. He had to fire his last hand, a man by the name of Chesney Wittenbaur, who wore red handkerchief, a white cowboy hat, and red cowboy boots, as he couldn't pay him anymore to feed and take care of the livestock that once used to be his family's livelihood. Joshua, stubborn, and bull headed, offered all the human labor that was needed on the ranch now, and he worked harder than he ever had in his life, trying to operate a ranch, all the while having a full time job. The stress of it all was destroying his heart, and his soul. He knew he should sell the ranch, and move up to Raleigh and live like all of those other cowboys who had given up on ranching life; living in tiny apartments all the while drinking their liver away in smoke filled bars whose neon signs had missing lights. But that wasn't Joshua. A man who found resilience in the most tragic of situations. He had lost his mother and dad in a train wreck while visiting family in Tennessee, and had lost his one and only love in an unpredictable, and devilish tornado, but he would be damned if he was going to lose Thunder Valley Ranch. He would have to be dead before they would have to drag him out.

But his luck was finally changing when Meredith had come along. There was something about her that he felt that his life was going to soon change. That she was a walking four leaf clover with long brown hair, honey eyes that sparkled like a happy country song, and a love for life in her heart that made him feel all too good. Joshua feared when she would leave. Even though he hadn't known her for long, he was enjoying her company, and more so than even in a sexual way. It was nice to share life with someone who was a lot like him. Her chronological age may have been older than him by fourteen years, but in their hearts, they broken even at the same age of youth.

Meredith had been thinking about Joshua, and the more she thought about him, the more it scared her because she was afraid of change. Change in her life, change in her marriage, change in her career. And even though Meredith and her husband had sex, they didn't talk much about it. She had wanted an eroticism like Joshua had felt for Meredith while fantasizing about her in the tub. She wanted a freedom to do what she wanted sexually. How come Benjamin had that right? Why wasn't she given the pass to have sex with other people? She was to blame. She never erected herself out there, nor did she ever really wanted to. And the people she had met along her travels, she had not been attracted to, nor had she felt a connection. Benjamin, it appeared, could lay with any woman who had a pulse. However, for Meredith, it had to be something special, something almost intimate and strong in her soul before she would ever lay down with another man beside her husband. This was what she was starting to feel with Joshua. She thought perhaps it was this ranch, where there were no walls and fences to prevent an open natural relationship. Why should she suffer from a lack of intimacy and not become erotic with someone with her choosing when Benjamin has done it for years? Why should she ache so painfully? She never dared herself be so brave before, but she could feel all those walls of insecurities began to crumble, and so she opened herself up, just a little enough for Joshua to see.

Joshua had his own expectations, although he had more freedom and a choice then Meredith had. But Meredith guessed silently that he wouldn't get into the scheme of things with her because he was threatened by expectations, just like she was. Especially the expectations to forever keep the memory of Adrienne alive. He didn’t want to replace Adrienne. He could give that right woman everything a woman could ever wish and dream for, and be a passionate lover and a poet and a romantic man who cooked and cleaned and who put food on the table and pretty dresses on her body, but Adrienne would always be there, like a ghost, counteracting his every move.

And even if Joshua wanted to pursue what was going on and was able to lay Adrienne to rest, Meredith didn't think she could ever commit to such infidelity. Even if Joshua was everything she had ever hoped and dreamed for, Meredith just couldn't allow herself to giving him all of herself that she had worked so hard to savior.  Having an affair had no place in the fabric of her life. It was too distracting, too conveniently brilliant that held her away, while other woman in the same predicament, would feel absolutely no remorse jumping into bed with such an incredible hot young man. Meredith sighed broadly, and faced the wide open spaces of Wake County. It was beautiful here, with the dogwood trees and the wild spread of asters; much more beautiful than Seattle which was fog covered city and full of noise and steel.

Joshua's mind understood all the implications too, of having an affair, and was sure that if he entered upon such a sinful agreement, that there would be crushing repercussions that he wouldn't be able to take back. It would not only destroy his will, but quell his ranch as one more heartache, and he would clearly take his Remington Model 700 rifle and clearly shoot a bullet straight into his skull. Even though he had made it this far, for this long, he was that close to breaking.

Joshua walked into his bedroom, toweled off, then looked at the tinny alarm clock that sat on the nightstand. It was a little after 9 pm. The bath had made him hot and sweaty. From the closet, he took out a western shirt, and a pair of well worn Wrangler jeans. Joshua put on his shirt, and buttoned it up, leaving one button unbuttoned on purpose to show off his dark curly chest hair. Next, he pulled on his jeans. The jeans were a little sticky after being in the bath for so long, and he struggled to get them up, especially over his butt, but he won the war, and finished with looping a thick leather belt through the loops, topped off by a large silver belt buckle. He combed his hair back with a plastic comb, tucking all his golden hair neatly back with the help of Vitalis hair tonic.

Joshua splashed on some Avon cologne. It had a spicy scent, dashed with a little wildness. He slapped some along his high cheekbones, then took a good look of himself in his mirror that hung over his dresser. His tan from working outdoors accented his outfit. His legs came out of his jeans husky, and the pockets on the back made his ass look tight, and in the front, his package looked meaty and thick. His chest hair looked great coming out of his shirt, and his newly cleaned face made him look like a totally different man. He thought of what a stud he looked now, and couldn't remember a time that he had looked so good. Before Meredith he hadn't cared about his looks, and he would go without shaving for weeks, and even the same clothes for days at a time, looking more like a bum then a business and working man. 

Joshua joined up with Meredith, who was now sitting out on the porch. She sat in a rocking chair, but wasn't rocking, looking out widely, her thoughts keeping her company while Joshua had bathed. Joshua appeared on the porch, looking dapper and dangerous at the same time. Meredith almost fell back on her chair when she saw him. She always knew he was good looking, but after getting all cleaned up, bathing, shaving off his beard, and – WOW! He was looking damn good. Hot! And not only did he looked good, but smelled good too – a whiff of the Avon cologne riding past her when a lonely breeze sifted through.

“Fuck....me.” Meredith swore underneath her breath breathlessly. Meredith never swore before ever, in all of her life. All the feelings, all the reflections, and all the traveling seemed to meld into one when she took upon seeing Joshua now. And searching through a lifetime of fleeting thoughts on random strangers through even stranger towns, she ultimately realized this was the magical moment that her eyes and her heart had been searching for. And she fell in love with Joshua Aspen, a  machine operator and rancher of Wake County, North Carolina. 

Joshua had half heard what Meredith had said. He thought he had heard her, but when his ears had perked up on the F bomb profanity that made him wonder what kind of out of body thought that she may be having to have allowed such a word to fly, he muttered to ask, “What?”

“Um, I  mean,” her voice was a little shaky and it stammered through her lustful thoughts “You look, um... great!”

Joshua shyly smiled behind the strong musky scent of his cologne. “Thank you.”

He looked at her with the same lustful feelings, if not more, the pretty light of the moon draping all around the silhouette of her pretty face which brilliantly nurtured all around the woman that she was, creating an ambient aura to glow.  “And you look beautiful Meredith. A purified beautiful angel. Your husband is one lucky man.”

His admiration was authentic and Meredith bathed in such a compliment from a man who she thought was the best looking guy she had ever seen, even in her youngest and wildest days. It had been some time since she received such a compliment and she let it infiltrate her soul, immersing in such flattery that her heart swam in its ocean and drowned in its paradise.

She gave him a look with her honey eyes that he would never forget. The rings of her gaze flickering, and the pigmentation of her irises dancing, and how it all glowed so spectacular as they all made love to the light of the moon.

In that special moment, he fell in love with her too, Meredith Hurley. A lawyer's wife, a rogue painter, a devoted mother, from Seattle Washington who drove an old rough as steel Jeep with chunky wheels and a spirit for adventure.

CHAPTER SIX

“I love it here.” Said Meredith as she looked outside the living room window. The bottom half of the window was completely open, a silver meshed screen separating her from the insects in the countryside, and a slight breeze was filtering through, teasing her dress to lightly move. She viewed the wide open spaces of a very green plain of meadows that seemed to span for miles, and the calligraphy of oak trees looked heavenly as their wooden timbers ranged giant and expansive. She really did love it here, and thought it was the most beautiful place she had ever traveled to. It was evening now, and balmy. The ??

It was August 5th in 1971. The vortex of summer. Joshua looked unwaveringly at Meredith Hurley. She looked back with kindness, and smiled softly as she looked back, feeling a connection that was invisible to the naked eye, yet magnetic and manifested in both of their hearts.  Joshua was a few feet away from Meredith  now, yet they tenaciously locked into one another as if they were making love physically, wholeheartedly, intimately, and completely in rapture. They strongly felt a closeness that adhered a connective consciousness, and they both surrendered to the strength of such an intimate syndication of their own accord.

Their special moment was suddenly disrupted. There was a knock on the door.

Knock. Knock. Again. And again. And although the knocks kept escalating in speed, and volume, Meredith did not move, nor did Joshua, for they were still locked in a connection that was strong and true. When the knock increased to a fourth knock, followed by a woman asking, “Joshua? Joshua. Are you home?” the connection broke, and with it, Joshua sighed deeply, Meredith doing the same. For now, they would leave their moment of special awareness to escape until it could be reborn again at a future time.

Joshua exhaled deeply, a gravely growl escaping from his chest. He was quite agitated that someone had come over to his house at a most inconvenient time. He and Meredith had made a connection, locking into each other's eyes, their souls moving closer together then ever before, and he knew that if he had allowed the moment to have transpired just even a minute further, one of them would have ran to each other and would have exchanged what both of their hearts had been too shy to express until now, and that was to kiss each other until they could no longer breathe. Joshua walked towards the window, and pushed open the curtain a little so that he could see who it was knocking. As he did, he briefly brushed up against Meredith, feeling the warmth of her, permeate him, and he felt a rush of lightness overwhelm him completely.

It was Laura Piccleby from Laura's Cafe, and she was holding a sweet potato pie. Laura  had brought a different kind of pie to Joshua ever since Adrienne passed away. It was her way of helping him through the difficult time. She always knew the power in comfort food. She thought that as a friend, and as someone who cares about him, that a pie once a week would help him through the trauma of losing his fiance, the woman that he absolutely loved.

Meredith, noticing that it was Laura, the owner of the cafe she had ordered her macchiato from, asked, “Is that Laura Piccleby from that little cafe in town?”

Joshua seemed suddenly withdrawn, as it was something that he felt uncomfortable with, especially since the pie was connected to the loss of his fiance. “Yeah, she brings me pie every week.” Joshua didn't look at Meredith when he answered, rather he placed his head down, then away towards Laura who knocked one more time, followed by another shout of “Joshua?!?”

“I knew that pie tasted too good to come from a store.” Laughed Meredith. When Laura knocked one more time, Meredith noticed the urgency in the knock. “You better go answer that.” Said Meredith. “Sounds like she really wants to give you that pie.”