A Breath Until Forever (6 page)

“Let's go for a walk.”  Suggested Joshua.

He didn't have to ask her twice. She loved going for walks with him. Low, slow strolls through the light husked meadows where they would interlock fingers and hold the warmth of happiness within the conduit of their threaded hands.

“It's a little cool, you might want to wear more.” Joshua proposed, looking out for Meredith's best interest. He was that kind of gentleman, and Meredith lingered in his caring nature for a brief moment, basking in his southern charm that still lived on through his heart.

She agreed, feeling a slight breeze sneak through the slight crack along the bottom of the old, drafty window, causing goose pimples to dance along her skin.

She picked up a knitted shawl from off the back of a chair and spread it across her back, expanding it out to mimic butterfly wings.

Joshua pushed open the front door open for her and held it just long enough for her to pass through, and himself barely, until it snapped back like a rubber band. He followed her out, gently putting his arm around her shoulder. The simple touch made Meredith instantly warm up, more than the shawl was doing for her skin. It had just rained, lightly, and so fresh cut grass smelled even greener and fresher throughout Thunder Valley. The flowers aromas were at their high capacity, exploding aphrodisiac scents to explode wildly throughout the damp air. 

It wasn't far, before Joshua and Meredith approached a wide, open meadow that was populated with breathtaking scenery that stretched for miles. The meadow was as long as it was wide, wild flowers dancing like little ballerinas throughout the earthy land.

It was soon nearing nighttime and a lonely moon was starting to manifest itself. It came up in the western sky which was the color of soft marigold changing into a warm, dusty apricot.  A couple of children were playing among the tall grass that bladed sharpness through the sodden ground, but a loud shouting, parental voice summoned them to come home. They stopped dead in their tracks, then ran in the opposite direction they were running back towards town. They were the children of Troy Everson, the football player turned raging alcoholic, and was known he used to beat his kids, and so Joshua lay his head down in the same of such hurtful parental antics. Even though seeing this abused kids immediately put Joshua into a state of shame that someone he went to High School with and once was good friends with could ever be capable of such a monstrous thing, it stirred a biological clock to wake up and tick and it pushed him into thinking about his own future.

“Do you want more children?” Asked Joshua, still holding onto Meredith's hands as if they were two innocent kids in kindergarten.

Meredith slightly laughed. The rising moon twinkled in her amber honey eyes. “Oh no, I have my hands full enough with my wild child Daniel.”

When she answered, and with honesty, she saw a sadness suddenly fill Joshua's eyes. “Have I said anything wrong?”

Joshua was quiet for a moment, and didn't say a word. His head slowly went low, and his sad eyes grew even sadder.
 

His silence was as loud equal to that if he had spoke up himself.

“
You want children, don’t you?” Asked Meredith, concerned and instantly understanding why older woman and younger men didn't last too long, and that one reason was because of family. When older woman had already raised their own family, younger men were just starting to think about raising theirs. It was something that Meredith never thought about, especially since she was only seeing Joshua, dating him, and hadn't thought about a future with him, at least not yet, as it was so preliminary and fresh and new, but she began to feel the same sadness that Joshua was currently experiencing, and she felt compassion for a man who still had yet to feel what it was like to be a father and be responsible for another human being, besides himself.

Meredith looked over at him. Even though they were still holding hands, Joshua had pulled himself away from her emotionally.

“Joshua?” Asked Meredith by his name, trying to get his attention so that he may answer her with honesty, and a candidness that she wanted from Joshua every second of the day. It was a lot to ask of a stranger, from a man she had just recently met, but it was refreshing that Joshua had been so honest with her all the way until now and she wanted that to continue.

“Yes, yes, I do.” He answered. He broke free from her hand and skipped in front of her, almost disappearing in a patch of lush nettles and early violets. “A family of them. A big whole group. A bunch. Like the Tillingsons. They have 10!'

Meredith was shocked by the number. “10! Oh wow!” She touched her stomach and couldn't imagine to have had been pregnant with 10 little babies, and then pump them out 9 months later. Then she thought about the stretch marks that babies give you, like the stretch marks that Daniel had given her that never really went away, and the ugly lines that they left behind that looked like she had been drawn on by a very angry kindergartner.

“10.” Meredith sighed, not believing that unit of the mathematical system when it came to mother hood. One kid was enough, let alone nine more which was a recipe for nuclear family destruction. She couldn't believe that this handsome, beef muscled man would ever want to succumb himself to such a deviant future of poopy cloth diapers, screaming wailing cries, and a truck full of future bills. Was this man out of his mind?

Joshua explained this extraordinary number, and in his explanations, his answer of 10 seemed to make more sense, then they did when it had jumped out of his mouth. “They help out with the ranch. And their good. Real good. Respect their folks.” He posited, and his once prosperous number dwindled down to rationality. Even still, it was something that Meredith didn't like. Even if Joshua had replied with the lonely single number 1, she could have been less then thrilled. 

“I'm at the age where I can enjoy my life now.” Meredith said, following Joshua as he continued his walk through the meadow which swung freely like a pendulum.

“Can you have more kids?” He stopped for a moment, then looked at Meredith, basking in her beauty, as she sometimes struggled through the tall and lush wildlife that she diverted herself into.

“Sure, I am sure I can, but I don't want to.” Answered Meredith as she picked up the length of her dress so that she may better flee over a large rock that stood as an obstacle in her way.

Joshua seemed more withdrawn now than ever, as Meredith hadn't given him the answer that he wanted to hear. Even though he knew that Meredith probably wouldn't want anymore, why couldn't she have lied to him? Entertain him with a non truth that would have made his heart elated to know that a woman that he was taking a deep liking too would be willing to carry his seed to full term? Perhaps it was his ego that needed to hear it, or perhaps it was his youth as a young man whose sperm wanted to marry not only a woman, but her eggs from which made her so beautiful, but whatever it was, Meredith had not given him the gift that he had looked so heartily to receive, and so he marched a few more steps ahead of her, leaving her a few yards away, which separated them emotionally as well.

“Hey, wait up!” Meredith called out behind him. Joshua stopped, and he waited for the woman, the older woman, that he was growing so naturally fond of. She joined up with him by a dog wood tree. Joshua rushed to her and gave her a great big hug. She reciprocated, feeling the back muscles of his body through her hands, and she lay her head on his shoulder slightly, feeling a warmth embrace her soul.

“Come on.” Joshua said as he took her hand again in his. Joshua and Meredith began walking some more. It had been such a long time since she had taken such a beautiful walk like this, with such good, friendly company. After supper in Seattle there was always something more important to do, like catch up on the news by reading the Seattle Times or help Daniel with his homework. But even though Meredith participated in such activities, her favorite pastime of all was to read poetry, and even though it bored Benjamin to death, Meredith loved to read poetry from the early hours she would get up in the morning, to the late evening when she winded down in bed. However, she didn't always have this luxury. So often, her husband would call for her downstairs to watch TV and watch such shows such as the ever infamous Dallas, even though he knew she hated it. Television was boring to her. None of the shows stimulated her intellectuality like poetry did. Benjamin would call her in to watch with him, and after a few brief minutes of fussing, she would give in to him, and sit in front of the TVA. next to him on the couch, like a zombie, wishing she had a book in her hand instead of sitting in front of a boob tube with moving pictures that put her int a coma and made her brain dead. She didn't care too much about J.R. Ewing and what he did in his fantasy land, she cared more about wounded emotions and feelings, and the descriptions of nature through the orchestra of words describing the melancholy of limbered trees.

Meredith loved to read poetry books with a warm cup of tea. Books taken out from the library; those kind of obscure books that collected more dust than check outs were her favorite. Her most cherished collection was Walt Whitman's “The Leaves of Grass”. But Allen Ginsberg seemed to tug on her heartstrings, as if he was her best friend and knew all the heartbreak and wonders that lived strong in her heart. “Follow your inner moonlight. Don't hide the madness.” seemed to resonate with her, and this quote reminded her when she was out on the open road, and how she didn't allow any restraints from Benjamin pressure her and she could be the free spirit gypsy woman she was wildly hiding deep inside and without repercussions which made her feel so alive. She belonged to a book club, where she would meet some good close friends and make some new ones, at the Potted Charm Cafe on East 4
th
Street, on the corner, next to a baked goods store. That baked good store had the best smells of cinnamon rolls and sugar cookies. It would take every ounce of strength in her body to resist such yummy temptations and only vouch for a warm, settling cup of tea with the girls. Just girls, who often read poetry or the latest book on the  New York Bestseller list who would start out by talking about books but would often wander off and end up talking about other things like life, children, husbands and sometimes it would often ramble into too much information territory where some of the woman would talk openly about their sex life, too much of it, or too little and this is when Meredith would get jealous because she got both too much and sometimes too little yet it clearly still was not enough or at least anything that she really wanted to hear. Sometimes after the book club gathering she would go home lonelier than she ever was before and sit on her front porch, alone, on her wooden swing and look up into the wide open dark Seattle sky now twinkling with the stardust of other planet's universe and she would often think about how nice it would be to meet someone who would not only be her fully time companion and soul mate in life, but someone she could make love to – the kind of making love that a man and woman were meant to share and to be of one as a union underneath the love of God. It was this kind of moon, the same kind of moon, that she would often see at night, waning a big ball of mystery with the shadows of clandestine beauty, almost completely full and big and round, that she was now sharing with Joshua and wondered, if even for a moment that perhaps she could live the life of a character on TV and engage in a wonderful relationship that would not only have good sex, but read poetry until winding down in bed. She could only dream, right? At least nobody could ever take that away from her.

Sunset had fully passed now, delivering the shift of love completely over to the moon, and it was in this dusky moment of time when the day and night collaborated in such a harmonious way, that gave way to a beautiful sight of brilliance to burst colors of tangerine and splashes of nectarine into a greyish wool that was absolutely breathtaking to see. Joshua pointed up towards the cathedral arch of this newly developed sight, heeding Meredith's eyes to take notice and follow his open invitation of sign language. Meredith followed his lovely hand as to where he directly pointed and felt an instant connection.

“See that?” Joshua asked, his index finger still leading Meredith's vision to take grasp of what his eyes had already focused and adjusted to.

Meredith looked carefully, but saw nothing. “What?” Asked Meredith, wondering what was in the sky that was so special. She had seen the North Star before, and other stars in its likeness, and nothing else could have taken her by surprise.

“Look closer.” Directed Joshua.

In the distance she could see a speck, but just a speck of a distant glimmer that was trying desperately to come out of the sky and be seen.

“I call that Adrienne's wish.” Joshua said. “Most people don’t see it, but I can and so did Adrienne. She was big into astronomy. They say it's just a shine, a reflection off of Saturn, but I think it's much larger than that, sort of a lost star in a big galaxy, it kind of reminds me of me.”