A Chance for Sunny Skies (25 page)

"Well, this is..." She looked at me and smiled politely.

"I've never gotten anything for the dogs before. I thought this looked like Vaughn."

She looked around her, dropped the collar into the box again, and flinched. "I just don't think he would respond to something so cheaply made."

My mouth dropped open in surprise. "Cheap? That cost me a hundred and fifty-five dollars!"

My mother waved her hand. "It isn't good manners to tell people how little you spent, Sunny. Plus, he has very sensitive skin and you know how much his fur is insured for." She shook her head. "I don't think so. Why don't you put it on that animal you have?"

My heart raced and heat seeped out of every pore on my face. That animal? Was it so hard to remember that I had a cat? The same cat that I'd had for the last four years. I thought about the rhinestone abomination on Benny and then I remembered what he looked like at the moment. The image of that gangly, shaven, beast wearing that gaudy collar made me burst into a laughing fit. I couldn't stop. My mother watched me, her eyes wide in horror. After looking around to make sure no one had seen her with me, she put the box down on the table and walked away.

I continued to laugh, but I could feel hot tears drip down my cheeks and onto my chest as my laughter became more sappy than happy. After I was sure my mother was gone for good, I let the tears fully take over and curled into the corner of the gift-table room. My back against the cold wall, I slid down into a ball and cried until my stomach hurt and my nose was doing more running than the Boston Marathon.

I pulled the discarded box down off the table, took out the collar, and held the stupid thing in my hands, turning it over and over, trying to figure out the meaning behind it. That definitely hadn't worked. So now what? What did the universe have planned? Did it really believe I could have a relationship with her? Had I just not tried hard enough? Or was it the plan all along to re-affirm my belief that my mother was terrible and didn't love me?

I heard clicking on the marble floors and looked up to see the stupid, flowing ears of Vaughn perk up from around the corner. He spotted me and approached while I sobbed louder and gave him my best I-hate-you stink eye (though I think that was just how my eyes looked after all that crying). Vaughn was the prissiest, most spoiled dog I'd ever met, by far the worst that I could remember my mother owning. Normally, he didn't even look my direction when we were in the same room, but that day, he sat in front of me and poked his nose into my hand.

My red, watery eyes followed his gaze to the collar I held. I sat up and wiped my nose, sniffing back the worst of what came out of it. Confusion made my brain fuzzy, but it started to clear away the more that well-groomed dog watched me. He nosed my hand again and scooted closer.

I blinked and leaned forward, unclasping the collar and wrapping it around his thin neck. He sat completely still while I finished putting it on. I scooted back and couldn't help but smile. Vaughn tipped his pointy head, but stayed put. I wiped my eyes dry. My chest ached still, but there was a calm resolve settling over me.

"People choose their family." Saying it out loud seemed silly, since the only other being in the room couldn't understand a word I said, but it felt right at the same time. "Both my parents chose theirs a long time ago." Tears threatened at the corners of my eyes again, but I closed them tight and refused to continue crying over those people. I looked at Vaughn and held his brown liquidy eyes with mine. "I forgive you, all of you dogs. It's not your fault that my dad left, that my mom doesn't love me." I let the realization settle on my shoulders like a heavy blanket. "You can have her," I said, finally. "I don't want her anymore. I don't want anyone who doesn't want me."

Vaughn let out a bark which made me jump. Then he stood up and trotted out of the room, the "cheap" rhinestone collar bouncing on his neck.

I pulled myself up off the floor and was about to leave when I saw one of Vaughn's chew toys laying in the foyer. For old times sake, I picked it up and put it in my purse so I could throw it away when I got home. I walked out of that house knowing three things. I knew in my heart that I needed to let my mother go. For my sake, I couldn't keep trying if she didn't want me. I didn't know if that had been the universe's plan, but I didn't care. Nothing could create a relationship there. The second thing I knew was that if my parents could choose their family, I could too and I knew right away that I already had. The third thing I knew was that I was never going back.

I woke the next afternoon, late. The fact that a few hours with my mother had taken that much out of me was just another example of why I had made the right decision. I'd had plans to go talk to Brian, but despite all of the sleeping, I still felt exhausted. I really didn't want to go into the conversation he and I needed to have without all of my wits about me. I could always go the next day after work, I told myself and made a plan to do just that. Benny and I moved from the bed to the couch and I ordered in Chinese to help myself heal while I watched a few of my comfort movies.

It didn't matter. Movies, food, none of it helped. I still felt raw from the party and Brian's stuff was still scattered in locations (neatly, of course) around my apartment. It occurred to me later in the night that we had been "broken up", if that's what we were, for two days at that point and I hadn't heard anything from him.

I mean, I had plans to go see him yesterday, and again today, but hadn't merely because I had just made one of the single most important and difficult emotional decisions of my life. What excuse did he have for not calling, texting, or stopping by to try to patch things up? He's the one who shaved Benny, after all!

I couldn't sleep that night thinking about it. I stewed in my anger and sadness most of the night since I had slept so much the night/day before. So by the time I got ready for work and drove myself to the studio, I had moved onto feeling most parts depressed.

The guys in the back didn't talk after an initial greeting that I never really responded to, instead just plopping myself down in the chair. I could see them share a wide eyed, raised eyebrows, stay-clear look, but I didn't care. Not one bit. I cared just as much about what they thought as Brian cared about me, which was obviously not at all.

"Thanks." The word slid out of me as I slid from the chair, pathetic and tired.

I tried to close my eyes and breathe through some of my feelings of sadness and doubt as I stood under the hot lights and the anchors started their part of the broadcast. I kept my eyes shut until I heard, "Now we turn it over to Sunny Skies with the weather forecast."

I looked up and nothing. I froze. All I could hear was my blood pounding in my ears and into my face, turning it red. I could feel the seconds ticking by, seconds of silence, punctuated in my brain and no doubt measuring the increased redness in my face. Burt poked his head out from behind the camera and I could see the worry written in wrinkles on his forehead. I put the smile back on my face and gave a quick laugh. He gestured to the teleprompter and gave me a pointed look.

My mouth simply wouldn't open. My knees began to shake, really, right there under my pencil skirt, wobbled like a freaking Looney Toons cartoon again. My thoughts screamed (and in them I was not kind to myself, I'll tell you that), but nothing helped. I couldn't even swallow. The lights beat down on me and I suddenly felt like I understood what an ant might feel like, burning in the line of a punk kid's magnifying glass.

I felt a hand settle on my arm and I stopped, looked up. Burt's blue eyes were barely visible through his bushy, furrowed eyebrows. He looked scared and sad all at once. I looked away because I couldn't... I just couldn't. I'd just frozen on live television. My eyes went wide and I couldn't breathe.

That's when I heard the yelling. Spencer came barreling onto the set. "Sunny, what in hell's name are you --?" One of the camera men shushed him and Burt led us away as the anchors tried to cover up after they had cut away from me.

My head pounded and I flinched in advance, ready for the veritable barrage of a-talking-to Spencer was about to give me. However, when we walked into the back room all he did was raise his hands, then let them fall back by his side. He shook his head and looked at me.

"You're fired," he said, still red faced and riled up. He turned around and left.

It took me a few seconds to realize what had happened. That it had happened. I'm not really sure what I expected. Of course he had to fire me if I froze on air. That didn't change the fact that my knees felt wobbly and my head as fuzzy as Benny used to be. Burt must've noticed my state because he grabbed my arm and guided me to a chair.

"Darling, I..." He shook his head and pressed his hidden lips together so you couldn't see where his mustache ended and his beard began. His wonderful, squinty, stand-in-grandpa eyes looked at me with disappointment and I felt a part of me curl up and die.

He patted me on the back and walked away, having to go back to fix my mess. I closed my eyes and let my head drop forward. I had ruined everything. I had almost drowned a few months ago and I'd been following the stupid universe's plan, but where had it gotten me? Back to the same place I was. Actually worse. Now I knew what it felt like to have friends, someone who looked at me the way Brian did, and a job I felt ambitious about. Of course, only long enough to get comfortable, to really taste what that kind of life was like before it was all ripped away from me again. Thanks, universe. Good plan. Now I knew how completely shitty my life was. Instead of living in quiet ignorance, now I knew exactly how happy I could never be.

I only sat there for a minute with my head in my hands before feeling very intensely that I needed to get out of there. I didn't run, but it was a pretty small technicality as I think I would've kicked a fast-walking champion's hip-swinging butt out that door. I drove home (I don't remember it, but I was there, so it must've happened) and I collapsed on my bed.

My plan was to sleep for a little bit, you know, forever. Not long.

About half an hour after my face hit my comforter there was a knock on my door. I almost pulled an Old Sunny and waited to see if they would go away, but (here's the stupid part) I still thought there might be a chance that it was Brian and I didn't want to miss that. So I peeled myself off my bed and slunk to the front door. My posture was so bad (crushing feelings of defeat and self-loathing will do that to you) that I had to pull myself straight to see through the peep hole.

Rainy's blond hair, complete with hippie head scarf, filled the view. I hesitated and bit my lip, but opened the door.

Her eyes were wide and her face dead serious. More serious than I ever thought my best friend could be.

"Sun. What. That." She just said words, none in context, none clearly statements or questions.

I closed the door and she plopped down on my couch. I stayed put, regretting letting anyone in, even Rainy. I didn't want to deal with anyone.

Rainbow's eyes met mine, which must've been red and rimmed in smeared mascara, because once she looked closely she stood up, walked over to me, and pulled me into a hug.

"Brian and I broke up." The plan wasn't to tell her, but I did.

She leaned back and gasped. "When? Before the --" She cut herself off before she said what we were both thinking.

I nodded. "Friday. We got in a fight." I plopped down on the carpet, right where I stood. "Which meant I had to go to my mother's dog party alone on Saturday and I broke up with her, too." I'm not sure how much of my sentence was intelligible, since my chin was down and I had mumbled and it sounded crazy to start, so I looked up at Rainy.

Her face scrunched up and she mouthed the words, "dog party" until she noticed my eyes on her. She knelt next to me and said, "Chick, I'm so sorry." She rubbed my back and I felt ready to cry all over again until she said, "Why don't I make you some tea?"

That anger returned. My spine straightened, I stood up, and I felt it rushing through my veins.

Now, I know what you're thinking.
Sunny, that's actually a really nice thing for her to say. What about tea makes you mad? That's pretty irrational.
And yes, you'd be completely right. But for some reason, at that moment, I didn't want anything to make it right. I wanted to wallow, I wanted to mourn, I wanted to be a puddle. So I yelled at my friend and pushed her away, because I had ruined everything else, so why should this be different?

My mouth pulled tight and grim. I rolled my eyes and said, "You do know that tea doesn't fix everything, right?"

Rainy, stood up with me, looking stunned. "I..."

"Actually, it doesn't fix anything!"

My words hit her like hot spit and she flinched away.

I pointed at her, hate and anger fueling my limbs and my words. "I mean, look at you. You're a mess and you drink tea all the time, it's like all you do. Being a hippie that goes through life by the luck of their name doesn't work, don't you see that? Just wait, that new guy you're seeing will figure out what a wreck you are soon enough."

I had never seen Rainbow cry in the few months I'd known her, but those evil things I spouted made it happen in mere seconds. Her chin rumpled up and her lip quivered and I felt like the worst person ever. Ever.

"Rainy, wait."

She didn't. Tears were pouring down her cheeks and she ran to my door, flung it open, and raced down the steps and into the parking lot.

I wanted to call after her, but I knew that only friends get to chase after each other, only people with hearts could help friends when they were sad. Only terrible people who don't deserve friends or a life say things to cause people pain. I stood still because I was the latter and I couldn't take back what I had done.