A Convenient Arrangement (19 page)

“I…” Gwen started to speak. She couldn’t look at Aubrey’s teary eyes. “I don’t know—”

“Is the pity party over yet?” Leo joined Nina at the doorway to Aubrey’s room. “I know it’s a shock and all, Aubs, but I’m your brother-in-law, for goodness’ sake. Think you’d be on my side for this one.”

Aubrey sniffled into the tissue. She looked back and forth from Leo to Gwen, then reached out and squeezed Gwen’s hand. “She’s my best friend, and I want for her all the things she wants for herself.” Aubrey’s eyes narrowed. “I also want the man who dates her to be worthy of her.”

“I doubt anyone is worthy of her,” Leo said softly, his gaze lingering on Gwen.

“Good answer,” Nina said and elbowed Leo. “Looks like you might survive family dinner.”

“Maybe. Tough crowd, though. Doesn’t seem anyone is worried about me dating Gwen, just her dating me,” Leo grumbled.

“Well, Gwen is quite lovely and—”

“And I’m not?” Leo teased.

“She’s lovely and you’re a lothario,” Nina said. “Now you understand our worries?”

Leo pressed his wicked and yet charming smile to his face. “It’s not me who wanted to keep our dating a secret.”

Aubrey tilted her head toward Gwen.

“I just…I wanted to be certain that there was something between us, something more than just a physical attraction.”

Again Aubrey squeezed her hand. “I’m happy there is.”

Gwen was too. Unfortunately, while she cared about Leo—really, she might as well admit to herself that she had fallen in love with him—and he cared about her, she was now nearly one hundred percent certain that their relationship wouldn’t work.

Yes, Leo’s family and her friends would grow to accept them as a couple and love having the two of them together. But the words Aubrey had spoken confirmed that Gwen couldn’t go on in this relationship with Leo. No matter how much Gwen cared for him, Gwen’s ideal future looked completely different from what Leo wanted. There had been no reason for this big reveal at a Travati family Sunday dinner, because soon, once again, each of them would be coming to the weekly dinner single and alone.

*

“You do realize the potential mess you’ve stepped into?” Justin asked. “If you play this right, and everything works out then we’re all good”—he waved his hand in a circle indicating himself, Anthony, and Devon—“but if you play this wrong and mess up?”

“Then every Travati woman and their sister—and please keep in mind, Leo, that there are more Travati women now than there have been in twenty years—all of them are going to come down on you harder than a shit-ton of bricks,” Anthony said and took a long drink of beer.

“And also us, because we’re related to you,” Justin added.

Some loyalty. He expected more than fear of the estrogen mafia from his brothers. He sipped his beer. A queasy feeling oozed through his stomach. He’d expected a bit of teasing from the family, but pressure? Nope, not this kind of “do right by Gwen or else” pressure. This was
his
family after all, but everyone, including Devon, the only other non-hooked-up Travati, eyed Leo like his neck was in the noose.

Sounded like he had two options, both bad: commit to wedded bliss with Gwen on the spot or end the whole damn deal right now.

“Is it hot in here?” Leo tugged the front of his sweater away from his chest.

“Maybe for you,” Anthony said.

“I’d get used to it, you’re under the microscope now.” Justin nodded toward Shelly, Nina, and Aubrey, who huddled in the dining room whispering and gesticulating. Every so often one of them would let their gaze travel toward where the brothers stood in the living room, now only pretending to watch sports on the TV.

Devon leaned closer. “I’d make Max taste test your food tonight. Might be easier for all of them to just off you now.”

“Very funny. Thanks for the vote of confidence.”

“Hey, we believe in you, man,” Justin said. “We just believe that you’re as confirmed-a-bachelor as anyone can get and well, that one”—Justin nodded toward Gwen, who sat talking to Mrs. Bello—“She’s not a convenient arrangement. Nope. That one is a lifetime investment.”

Leo’s stomach pitted. Gwen was a lifetime investment. Gwen wasn’t something for only
now
, she was a woman for forever. But he could do this. He pulled on his beer. He could do forever with Gwen.

“Right, a lifetime investment with dividends,” Anthony added.

“Dividends?”

“You know, kids. The one thing you said you don’t ever want to have, or has that changed?”

Leo took another long swallow of beer. No, his desire to maintain a child-free existence hadn’t changed, not even for someone as precious as Gwen. He and Gwen hadn’t discussed children. Hell, they hadn’t discussed any part of the future, but Gwen had to know that he didn’t want to be a parent. He’d made those feelings pretty obvious in all kinds of conversations before they’d become involved.

Did Gwen want children? He shook his head. That was a dumb question. Of course Gwen wanted kids. She’d swooned over a baby blanket in this very spot not twenty-four hours before.

The more important question was, did she think she could change him?

Damn. She wouldn’t change his mind. Nope. No matter how hard he might fall for Gwen, his feelings for her weren’t going to change his vision for the future. A vision that included a child-free existence.

Gwen glanced over from her spot beside Mrs. Bello. She smiled, but he saw a hint of something other than joy in her eyes. A sad knowing in her expression. He guessed his expression mirrored hers. Introducing their relationship to his family and her friends had added a weight, and was forcing them to confront a multitude of facts they’d conveniently avoided. Their family and friends had pointed out the obvious differences in lifestyle between them, and now those differences were impossible to ignore. He and Gwen couldn’t avoid talking about their future much longer. Now that the entire family was involved, avoidance was impossible.

Three days. She hadn’t seen Leo in three days, the longest amount of time they’d been apart since they started dating. She blamed work, both hers and his, but work wasn’t the entire reason for their absence from each other’s lives over the last seventy-two hours. Sure, he had final tweaks on his new app to worry about, and she had final tweaks on the launch party for the app to settle, not to mention meetings on the Vanderpelk wedding plus a myriad of other events in various stages. Yes, Gwen could plausibly blame work. Such an easy excuse, for anything really, but especially useful as the reason why she and Leo hadn’t seen each other in three days. But it wouldn’t be completely accurate.

That absence was about to end. He’d called, and she’d texted, and they’d agreed on dinner at her place. She stood at the stove, stirring a pot of andouille sausage gumbo, a favorite she loved on a cold winter night. Tonight was cold, and it was still technically winter, but most of all she feared that before the evening ended, her life, and everything else would be far more cold and lonely.

Gwen had seen fear in Leo’s eyes two times now, and she didn’t believe there’d be a third time. The first had been at Aubrey’s baby shower. She’d nuzzled a baby blanket, thinking of the day when such a blanket would be for her own baby. Gwen wouldn’t apologize for that, why should she? She had always wanted to be a mother; in her opinion, motherhood was one of the great perks of being a woman. When she’d looked up from that blissful moment, she’d witnessed the near-terror on Leo’s face. Not long after, he’d fled the party without a good-bye.

Gwen splashed hot sauce into the gumbo and took a taste. Almost ready. The second time had been this past Sunday, while his brothers had been grilling him in the living room. Her gaze had met his, and the look in his eyes then had been doubt and fear. Not over her, exactly. She didn’t believe that Leo doubted his feelings for her. No, instead, he doubted that the type of life he wanted matched the type of life Gwen desired.

She had the same doubts.

Yes, tonight was good-bye. Not an end filled with recriminations and anger, but an end filled with tears. She wouldn’t ask him to give up the life he desired. She cared for him too deeply to even ask, any more than he would ask her to give up what she wanted in life. So adult. So grown up. So why did her heart ache like a that of a child who’d just lost her puppy?

A knock, followed by the faint sound of his voice. “Gwen?”

She hurried to the front door, her body tightening with his tone and tenor. The only man who could make her body turn to jelly simply with the sound of his voice. Yes, there would be no other Leo Travati in her life, not ever.

She opened the door. “Hey,” she said softly. Her lips curled into a tiny smile that didn’t reach her eyes. There he stood, a beautiful man. A big beautiful man with gorgeous eyes, a wonderfully wicked smile, a booming laugh, and hands…my goodness, hands that knew how to make her tremble with want.

Leo bent forward and kissed her. She closed her eyes and savored the feeling of his body close to hers, his lips on hers, his arm around her waist. She absorbed every bit of this moment, because Gwen knew that soon there would be no more moments like this.

“I brought wine.” He held up a bottle that she instantly recognized had to cost more than her rent.

She took the wine from him. “Nice bottle.”

“Got it the last time I was in France. Dinner smells good. What is it?”

“Sausage gumbo and fresh bread.”

Leo’s eyes widened. “Seriously? You made gumbo and bread?”

Gwen smiled and nodded.

“Is there anything you can’t do?”

She didn’t let her smile waver. “Nope.”
Except keep you.
The words flew through Gwen’s mind, and she pressed her lips together tightly, afraid that she might blurt them out. Not yet. Not now. Let them have one more meal together. A few more moments filled with smiles, and laughter, and kisses. Then, after their meal, then, let them have the conversation about the future that they wouldn’t be sharing. Leo met her eyes wordlessly, and Gwen could see he understood, he acquiesced. He too knew, that tonight, for them, would be the end.

*

“This was a great meal.” Leo picked up her bowl and his and carried them to the kitchen. Crumbs, all that remained of her homemade loaf of bread, littered the tiny dining table. “Perfect for a cold night.” He scrubbed the soup bowls and put them in the dishwasher and Gwen carried the rest of the plates to the kitchen counter. They silently loaded the dishwasher. She tossed in a pod of dishwashing detergent, twisted the dial, and the machine started softly humming.

Leo leaned against the counter on the other side of the sink. He looked relaxed and casual, a tiny smile hovered about his lips, but the growing tension of their unspoken conversation filled the space between them.

“We should talk,” Gwen said, breaking the silence. Leo nodded. He leaned forward and put his arm around her waist. They walked through her apartment to the couch. He pulled her down beside him and put his arm around her shoulders.

“I think…” Leo’s eyes, those gorgeous brown eyes, searched her face. “I’m concerned we want different things.”

Gwen’s heart bounded into a sprinter’s pace. He’d just put her own thoughts, that had raced around her brain for the last three days, into words. “I think so too.”

“You’re not a convenient arrangement. You’ve never been a convenient arrangement, I need you to know that. You mean much more than that to me, but…” Leo’s words drifted off, as though he realized once he spoke the words that came next, the end between them was inevitable.

Gwen sighed. “You don’t want to get married. You don’t see yourself with a family. You don’t want to be a father. The future you want doesn’t hold those things.”

“No,” Leo hesitated. “It’s not that I don’t want to get married—”

“You just don’t see yourself married to me.”

“It’s not even that. I love you.” He touched his fingertips to her hair. “I know my feelings. I
could
see us married. Not tonight, but maybe someday. And hell, Gwen, I never ever thought I’d picture myself married to anyone. It’s just…” He bit his bottom lip. “As much as I can envision a permanent future with you, I can’t…I can’t see myself with…kids.”

Gwen swallowed. Leo Travati could see himself married to her—maybe. Picture his life forever entwined with hers, perhaps…So what was he offering her? The possibility of a potential happily-ever-after as long as there were no children involved?

“I can’t…” Leo shook his head. “I can’t guarantee anything right now, other than I know I won’t ever want kids.”

Gwen nodded. “But I do.”

Leo caressed her cheek. “And you do.”

Heat welled up behind her eyes. Her heart twisted, and a giant lump lodged in her throat.

“You’ll make a great mom someday, Gwen, I know you will.”

Horrible big ugly tears leaked from her eyes, and she turned away from Leo. She didn’t want him to see her cry. How silly. He hadn’t proposed. He hadn’t guaranteed a future. He’d merely told her what she’d already known, that he didn’t want children. So why all the emotion?

Maybe she’d hoped. Maybe she’d thought…for a minute…a second…that loving her, being with her, spending time with her, was enough for him to change his vision of his future. No. Of course that was never going to happen. She wiped her eyes and took a big breath. No more tears.

“Okay, well, I think—”

“I should go,” Leo said. He rose to his feet and so did she. “I…I’m sorry, I…Gwen, I do love you.”

Her eyes burned with the effort of keeping her tears back, and she fought to keep her bottom lip from trembling. Leo loved her and she loved him. He loved her in the only way that he could, but that love was limited. She couldn’t accept those limits and have the type of life she’d always wanted.

“I know,” she whispered. She tried to put a smile on her face, but it was tight and most likely crooked. Her mask of nonchalance was impossible to wear. She couldn’t pretend that everything was okay, and that Leo’s words, his good-bye, their ending wasn’t shredding her heart. She tried, dammit, but the tears still flooded her eyes and pain speared her chest.