A Convenient Arrangement (20 page)

Leo leaned down and wrapped his arms around her now, pulled her close. She inhaled his scent, knowing that this sad little hug, would be the last time she touched him with the intimacy of a lover. His scent would never again cling to her sheets, her clothes, her skin. As soon as Leo closed the door behind him, their intimacy would no longer be a part of her life. Gone, as though their affair had never happened, as though it were merely a dream that had fleetingly been in her life and passed. Except it wasn’t, and now all his family and her best friends knew.

“Gwen,” he whispered into her hair. “My God, I wish I could be the man you need. I love you.”

But you can
, she wanted to yell. With a few simple words and some bravery he
could
. Her heart hurt with the knowledge that he didn’t want to try, that he was willing to let her go instead of braving his fears. She stepped away from him, looked up into his face, his jaw still close to hers. That beautiful face with the full lips and that look of love and yet his face was no longer her lover’s face. Already a distance grew between them, a silence like a hard living thing that wouldn’t let her say what she wanted, wouldn’t let her reach out and tell him all her hopes and dreams for the future she truly wanted to share with him.

He bent down and his lips were on hers. This would be their final kiss, the last one between them, the kiss she would remember on dark nights when she felt alone and afraid that she’d made a mistake, let the love of her life go because she wanted more than he could give. His mouth grew insistent, his breathing heavy. He pulled her closer and she let him. His tongue slid into her mouth and probed, lighting her entire body with a fire and a sadness that seared this moment upon her soul. Yes, it would be this kiss, their final kiss, and the kiss at the stroke of midnight on New Year’s Eve that started it all that she would take with her, that she would remember when she let herself think of Leo and what they’d had together.

The heat of him, the hard planes of his body against hers, the overwhelming desire she had for Leo made her breasts heavy with want. She’d played with fire. She’d known who Leo was and how he was before she’d ever kissed him. He’d been honest with her from the beginning, but she’d been less than honest with herself.

It took every ounce of her strength to pull away from him, to tilt her head back and look into his eyes. Those brown eyes with flecks of gold. Eyes she’d always remember. “I love you too,” Gwen said. She summoned the strength to continue. She needed to say this, needed him to know. “But I want you for more than just now, I want you for forever. And yes, I want everything that goes with that—a marriage, a family, and children. You’ve never lied about what you wanted, but then again, neither have I.”

Leo nodded. He swallowed. The heat between them still there, but fading under the chill of the ever-widening distance between them.

Leo leaned forward and touched his forehead to hers, just as he had on New Year’s Eve. “I’m sorry, if I was ever…if that life was ever going to be mine…I would…” His gaze lasered onto hers. “Gwen, I’d want that life with you.”

Again the crooked and sad smile. What pathetic words those were, the sorriest kind of consolation prize. But she’d take them. She’d hold them close to her heart, clutched in her hand, especially when she saw news on the gossip pages, as she inevitably would, of Leo with his latest convenient arrangement.

“I should go.”

The words ripped through her soul. She wanted to ask him to stay, to tell him she would be okay, that she could do what he wanted, be what he needed instead of a woman who wanted a ring and kids and the whole package. But that would be a lie to herself and a lie to him. They stood together, each of them loath to surrender the other. His hands finally dropped from her shoulders, and she stepped back from his embrace. And with that, the magic of their brief time together slipped away on a brisk March wind. She was again Gwen, single and alone, and he was Leo, the most eligible bachelor in the world. She walked silently behind him toward the door.

“I… Let me know if you need anything.” As though he didn’t know what else to say. What she needed, he couldn’t provide. “I love you, Gwen.” His hands rose, as if to embrace her once more, but then he dropped to his sides. He grabbed his coat. One final look filled with a longing and a sadness then the door closed behind him.

“I love you, too,” she whispered.

“Man, you look like shit.” Justin dropped the rubber ball to the court.

“Thanks.” The sarcasm was automatic, but Leo knew his brother was right.

Justin slammed the ball into the wall and Leo’s rubber soles squeaked on the wooden floor as he raced to return the shot. He stumbled and Justin easily scored the point.

“Playing like shit, too.” Justin bounced the ball and turned back toward his brother. “Which is okay with me, because this is game point.”

Leo bent forward. He couldn’t keep his mind in the game. He’d hoped this match would distract him from his thoughts of Gwen. Two weeks. Two weeks, and he’d yet to go three minutes without his mind wandering to Gwen. His brother wiping the floor with him didn’t seem to be helping.

Justin served and the ball whizzed right by Leo, well within his reach, and yet his racquet missed by a mile.

“Finished.” Justin headed toward the doorway without his normal victory salute or brotherly ribbing. He had to know that he didn’t have a worthy opponent in Leo today. “Is this weak-ass showing because you’ve been spending too much time with Gwen?”

Leo hadn’t mentioned his and Gwen’s decision to his brothers. He guessed by Justin’s question, Gwen hadn’t said anything to the estrogen-mafia either.

Leo’s throat tightened. “We…”—he scrubbed a towel over his face—“Gwen and I decided we’d be better apart.”

Justin’s head popped up. “You put us all through that Sunday dinner and then you call it quits?”

“Didn’t realize this was your relationship.” Leo shoved the towel into his bag.

“Once you brought the relationship into the open, then it became all of ours, yes. You’re so smart and yet…how do you not know this?”

“Funny.” Leo picked up his bag and walked toward the door on the far side of the court.

“Seriously, stop. Did you break her heart? Was this because—”

Leo’s chest tightened. He didn’t want to discuss this with Justin, he didn’t want to talk about Gwen with anyone. “This was a mutual decision. There were no other parties involved. We simply want different things.”

“She wants children and you don’t.”

Leo’s eyes narrowed. Justin’s words sounded so cut and dried. Was it really that simple? He didn’t think so. Children were a big responsibility, huge. They changed your entire life. There was mess and crying and poop and no leaving and damn, he simply didn’t want or need any of that. But then there would be Gwen too…holding his baby, being the mother of his children. Leo shook his head.

What the hell? He couldn’t believe he was even thinking about it. No. No kids.

“That’s not all of it, but a big part.”

“Really? There’s more? Like what?” Justin picked up his sports bag and ambled toward Leo, a smug smile on his face. “Gwen seems pretty damn perfect for you in almost every way. So what are the other problems?”

“None of your damn business,” Leo grumbled. “She’s not my usual type.”

“Oh, you mean the vapid overindulged high-maintenance ladies from before? The ones you had to develop a ‘convenient arrangement’ with so they wouldn’t show up on your doorstep at four a.m. screaming obscenities?”

Leo bristled.

“Yeah, I can completely understand why you’d want to go back to that, instead you know, someone real, with a heart and organic body parts.”

“Enough. We made the decision. We’re done.” Leo said the words, and yet, his heart ached. He wouldn’t admit it to Justin or anyone else but Justin was right…completely right. But to give up his entire vision of his future for Gwen? No. Just no. He couldn’t sell himself short like that, he wouldn’t. He’d watched his dad spend every moment of his life trying to take care of all of them and grow old in the process.

“Fair enough. Your life, your decision. Even when you make the wrong one.” Justin exited the court.

Such a first-born, always trying to get the last word, as though big brother knew everything. Leo followed Justin off the court slowly. Except maybe this time, Justin did.

*

Work was a refuge. Gwen wanted to curl up into a tiny ball around Mr. Mouse, pull her covers over her head, and never leave her apartment again, or at least until this horrid empty feeling in the pit of her stomach disappeared, but she couldn’t and wouldn’t wallow. Deadlines, and clients, and work loomed, and thank God, really, she had work to do, because otherwise she might be unshowered and stuffing Oreos into her mouth all day long.

“How’s everything going for the launch tomorrow night?” Aubrey sat beside Gwen on the couch. She still hadn’t had the baby, despite the doctor ending her strict bed rest. She had just gone over the final guest list for Shelly’s bridal shower with Gwen.

Gwen’s stomach flipped. She hadn’t really discussed what had happened between her and Leo, not even with Aubrey. There’d been a kind of unfamiliar quiet tension between the two of them since that awkward Sunday dinner. So Aubrey was asking about a lot more with that one little question than just the party for Leo’s new app.

“We’re ready. The location and staff are all good to go, Nina is handling the food. I mean…everything looks great for tomorrow.”

Aubrey nodded. And waited, clearly expecting more. Finally, she prompted, “And?”

“And we’re not seeing each other anymore,” Gwen said.

“Gwen…I’m—” Aubrey started. Gwen couldn’t bear to see the pity on her friend’s face. She stood up abruptly.

“Okay, I should go. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow night, right?”

“Right,” Aubrey said. She glanced up at Gwen. The muscles around her lips twitched, and her mouth half-opened, as though she wanted to say something. She paused. “Listen, I’m sorry.”

Gwen hesitated. She wanted to cut Aubrey off, avoid dredging up the hurt and embarrassment of recalling that difficult Sunday, a day that turned out to be pointless anyway. But hurting her friend in return by running away wouldn’t fix anything either.

“I…I should have been less judgmental and more supportive when you told me about Leo. I do want you to be happy, and if he makes you happy then that’s what I want for you.”

“You don’t have to worry about me and Leo anymore. We broke up. Actually, I don’t even know if I’d call it anything that dramatic. Let’s just say we decided that our future goals don’t align.”

Aubrey unconsciously reached for her belly, circling her palm over the baby bump.

“It’s like you said. I want marriage and kids and Leo doesn’t.” Gwen fought to keep the sadness from her voice. She wasn’t bitter. She was disappointed, and not even so much at Leo. She knew Leo and who he was, what he wanted out of life, well before she’d agreed to date him.

She’d also sworn to herself that she wouldn’t try to change him…so why the disappointment? Why the surprise? Because she’d felt a connection to him. She’d hoped that he’d want a different life because of her. That with her, he could see himself married and with a family. When she looked at it logically, though, even she could hardly imagine that version of Leo. He was the poster child for bachelorhood. Literally. And lucky her, she was planning the party.

“There was no yelling or tears, no name calling. We simply acknowledged that I want one thing and he wants another and neither one of us is willing to give up what we want.” Gwen dropped her gaze to her best friend’s baby bump. “I mean it’s fair, right? Very adult.”

“Very reasonable,” Aubrey agreed.

“Very reasonable,” Gwen echoed. She picked up her comp­uter
bag. So reasonable and yet, Gwen didn’t feel one bit reasonable. Reasonability had exited her life along with Leo, and his attention and his body and every bit of him that made her thrum with desire.

“I mean I feel a bit…”
Embarrassed
, she silently finished, but she couldn’t force herself to say the word aloud, “sorry for myself, and that I’m simply not fit to be around. Like I should go hide with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and a book.” She couldn’t hide. Bridezillla Milan, had called an emergency meeting to discuss her current demands regarding her outrageously self-indulgent wedding.

“It’ll get better,” Aubrey offered. She looked concerned, as though she wished she could lift the hurt from Gwen. “I can understand wanting to have a pity party. I’ve thrown a few of those for myself.”

Heat flamed into Gwen’s cheeks. “It’s just—I knew, okay? I knew going in, and still—it’s so silly, right? That I could even think that I would change his mind.” She frowned, blinking rapidly to force back the prickling feeling behind her eyelids.

“
Did
you think you’d change his mind?”

“Not really…I mean…I’ve never really felt this way with anyone before. I think I couldn’t help but hope for something more.”

Aubrey reached out and clasped Gwen’s hand. “The right one, he’s out there. You’ll find him.”

Again the hot feeling of embarrassment and shame washed over her. Was she so shallow that she couldn’t feel complete without a man? But she did feel complete, and competent, and worthy, so it wasn’t that exactly. Then what was it?

“I know. It’s just, I let myself get attached and so did he. We both did. We agreed to explore our feelings…I wouldn’t go out with him otherwise. So maybe since he bent his rules for me while we dated, I thought maybe he might  be capable of changing his vision for his future for me too.” She forced a smile to her face even while the tears she had been trying to suppress flooded her eyes. No, she wouldn’t cry. Not in front of Aubrey. Not in front of anyone. “We really had fun together.”

Aubrey nodded, her face sympathetic. Gwen could hardly bear having that look directed at her. She ran her fingertips under her eyes. Aubrey held out a tissue to her and Gwen grabbed it. “Enough. I’ll be okay. I have to be. I have bridezilla in a half an hour, and I’m really not sure if she actually loves her fiancé or just loves the idea of a wedding. I have to keep it together.”