A Dad of His Own (13 page)

“I think I told you once before I don’t want people’s pity.” Her gaze captured his. “And I don’t want friendships based on pity. If you’re sticking around because you feel sorry for poor Cooper without a dad and poor Lexie without—”

“Lexie, stop.” He held up his hand while frustration tightened his muscles. His legs weakened, and he backed up and sank into the chair again. “Have I ever acted as if I pity you or Cooper? Have I ever done anything to make you think I feel sorry for you?”

“No, but—”

“Yes, I feel empathy because I’ve been through this. I
relate to the horror of cancer. I can’t believe you think this is all based on pity.” His fingers knotted into a fist, and he smacked it against his leg.

“Ethan, I’m not making myself clear. You’ve shown us kindness and—”

“This isn’t all about helping you, Lexie. Don’t you realize I’ve gained so much from knowing you and Cooper? Our relationship has given me something to think about other than my work. It’s helped me look forward to getting up in the morning. I realize we met because of Dreams Come True. It’s a benevolent organization for people who’ve struggled with adversity. But even that isn’t based on pity. It’s based on love and the desire to make a difference in someone’s life.”

“Your values are the same as the organization’s, Ethan. You want to make a difference in our lives, too, so you are kind and generous.”

His fist struck his leg again. “Are you blind?”

She drew back and fell silent.

“I have feelings for you. Can’t you see that? When Cooper said he wanted a father like me, I was touched. Do you know why?”

She shook her head.

“Because I want a son like him.”

“A child with cancer?”

Her hurtful words spewed at him, and he went numb. “Ethan, I’m—”

“I’ll ignore what you said. You’re upset and so am I. Maybe I should go back to my—”

She grasped his arm. “No, please.” Tears welled in her eyes and rolled down her cheeks.

Startled by her emotions, Ethan rose and knelt at her feet. “Tell me what you fear, Lexie. Help me understand why you can’t trust me.”

Help me understand why you can’t trust me.
Blood drained from Lexie’s body. She felt cold even though Ethan’s warm hands pressed against hers. The reasons roiled through her mind, digging deep pits of grief and shame. She’d hung on to this too long. Ethan talked about learning to lean on people. To lean on God. She’d never been able to lean on anyone.

But lean she must.

Ethan’s jaw had tensed, his eyes probing hers. He deserved to know the truth, and if Cooper’s dream would ever come true with Ethan or any other man, time had come to open her despised baggage.

Ethan touched her cheek. “Are you all right?”

“No.” Tears welled behind her eyes. “But I hope to be soon.”

A flicker of hope showed in his eyes. He leaned back looking tense, concerned. He stretched his fingers as if to relax his hands from the fist he’d formed minutes ago.

She drew in a breath, stabilizing herself for the nightmare journey she knew she must take. “You’ve asked me questions about Cooper’s father, and I’ve avoided them.”

He blinked and nodded.

Now that she was to begin, Lexie’s confidence in Ethan faltered. His faith held him grounded to God’s Word, but when the truth struck, would he crumble?

“I met Cooper’s father when I was in college when he became an assistant for one of my professors. Hart—” She choked on his name. “Hartley Kurtz.” Speaking his name spread poison through her body. “Hart had recently completed his master’s degree and had been accepted into a doctoral program. Hart took a liking to me. I was flattered. He invited me for coffee after class one day. Asked me again a couple days later. It started innocently.”

Ethan squirmed in the chair, his eyes searching hers.

Her hands trembled. She’d begun the story, and she needed to finish. “I knew Hart was older. He didn’t wear a wedding ring, and I assumed he was single. One day he mentioned he had been married but was divorced. He never talked about his wife, and I blocked it out of my mind.”

Ethan leaned closer and touched her hand. “What are you telling me, Lexie?”

She realized he knew. “I got involved and realized I was pregnant. When I told him, he turned cold. ‘I’ll pay for an abortion’ is what he said. An abortion? I wasn’t a Christian, but I had values, and I valued the little being inside me. Yes, I was frightened and confused, but I couldn’t do what he asked. He walked away. I saw him on campus, but he never spoke to me other than to try and give me money for an abortion. I know he tried to pay me off just to keep my mouth shut.”

Ethan flinched. “Lexie, I—”

“I didn’t take it.”

Relief broke on his face, yet his eyes had glazed as if he’d heard all he could bear.

“My parents turned their backs on me for being so stupid. They’d helped me with some of my college expenses, and I never heard the end of it.

“I’d had a small apartment near campus, and I got a job. I didn’t tell them I was pregnant. I hid it for a long time. I managed. I was determined to survive. I finished college part-time, and I didn’t lean on anyone. I haven’t until now.”

The darkness shielded Ethan’s face, but tension radiated from his posture.

“That’s a lot for you to digest, I know, and I’m sorry I’ve disappointed you.”

“Lexie, you’ve surprised me, yes, but I’m not disappointed. I don’t know how I feel, but it’s not disappointment.”

His words didn’t comfort her.

He rose and grasped her hand, helping her rise. Ethan
drew her into his arms and held her. “Things are clearer now. You’ve been treated badly, and I know it’s been difficult for you. But I’m not Hartley, Lexie. You need to remember that. I want to digest all of this, and now I know we can start fresh. Doors open.” He pressed his cheek against her hair. “Will you sleep okay?”

She nodded, knowing she wouldn’t, but tomorrow the helicopter ride offered Cooper the biggest surprise of the trip. She’d be strong for him. “Good night, and thanks for listening.” She stepped from his embrace. “Other than my parents, you’re the first person I’ve told the full story.”

“Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me. I know this was a big step for you.”

“A huge step.”

He nodded and squeezed her hand. “Please try to sleep, and know I’m relieved you told me. I really am.” He strode across the balcony to the doorway. “Breakfast at seven-thirty?”

“That’s fine.”

He turned into her room, and she heard the door close.

Lexie sank into the chair and covered her face. She’d said it all, all the bitter memories deep and dark that she’d tried to forget for the past nine years. “I want them gone. I want to feel clean and whole.” She rose and strode to the balcony railing. The moon had disappeared behind a cloud, and the dark Canyon far below had lost its beauty until the sunrise. She tilted her head toward the sky where the moon’s glow rimmed an invisible cloud. “God, if You’re there, and I think You are, take the shame and sadness away.”

Moisture grew along her lower lashes, and tears crept down her cheeks. “Ethan, you talked with me about a loving God who looked into people’s hearts, and you told me about forgiveness. You said God can forgive, but can you?”

T
he helicopter lifted and Cooper pressed against the window, his camera in his hand and anticipation on his face. Yet Ethan worried. Cooper had woken still tired and said his bones hurt. Bruises, aching joints, lack of energy—it all added up to a return of his illness. Still he prayed the symptoms were only a result of his active fun-filled vacation.

Yesterday Cooper had seemed fine. Yet when Ethan thought about it in more depth, he recalled Cooper had been more cuddly and less energetic than he’d been at home. He’d gone to bed early both nights they’d been there. Ethan drew his gaze from the amazing scenery and studied Lexie. She looked stressed, but he suspected their conversation may have caused her a restless night. He’d had no time to discuss their talk, since Cooper had been with them every minute.

The earphones he wore related the history of the canyon and provided information about the rugged landscape that stretched before them. Minutes ticked away as they crossed over Zuni Point, an amazing spectacle and then over The Confluence where the Little Colorado joined the Colorado River. As they flew past Imperial Point, the highest formation in the Grand Canyon, Ethan rubbed his temples. He wished his head would stop aching. He’d barely slept, his mind so
tied to Lexie’s admission. Though the information unsettled him at first, during the night he had begun to admire her bravery and her decision to have her child alone. He couldn’t imagine the anguish she felt and the feeling of abandonment not only by Cooper’s father but her parents, as well.

He wanted to think her parents had hoped to teach her values and intended for her to come home, atone for her mistake and receive their support, but not Lexie. Getting strength from anyone but herself seemed a major issue. Yet he recalled what she’d said last night.
I was determined to survive and not lean on anyone. I haven’t until now.
Now? She meant him. A tingle ran down his spine. She did care about him. She’d relinquished her independence to his support.

He adjusted his earphones, and leaned closer, sliding the audio from her ear. “Are you okay?”

She lowered her lids and nodded. “Tired and worried.”

“About me or Cooper?”

“Cooper, mainly.” She motioned toward him. “He felt warm this morning. I don’t have a thermometer with me, but I think he has a slight fever.”

Fever. He shifted toward Cooper, patted his head, then let his hand slip to his forehead. He felt warm, but the sun burned through the windowpane of the copter and he prayed the problem came from that.

Cooper’s gaze adhered to the view, and Ethan turned toward Lexie and slipped his hand over hers, hoping he could offer comfort and reassure her that her past had no bearing on her future.

The pilot’s voice reached his ear, and he focused to listen. “We are heading down into the Dragon Corridor, the deepest and widest part of the Canyon. Look for the Dragon’s Head formation as we go down. Here we go.”

The helicopter descended and followed the river. Amazing formations came into view as the recording provided
details of the Tower of Ra, an imposing butte. Within minutes, Ethan realized they were heading for the canyon floor. Cooper turned his head toward them, questions in his glazed eyes. Ethan’s chest constricted. Cooper hadn’t been himself, and he suspected Lexie was right.

After they’d landed, Ethan helped him from the helicopter. “Aren’t you feeling well?”

Cooper evaded his eyes. “I’m good.” He turned around gazing upward at the outcropping. “Is this the bottom of the canyon?”

“It is, and guess what.”

Lexie stood beside them, her expression strained. “I wonder if we should go back up.”

Cooper faced her. “Up? Mom, we just landed.”

Ethan understood, but Cooper’s eagerness stripped his common sense. He ambled closer to Lexie, keeping his voice low. “This is a great opportunity for him, something he’ll remember always, and we’re here. Why not stay?”

She eyed her watch. “How much longer?”

He checked the time. “We’ll be back up in another hour and a half. Then we can decide what to do.”

She nodded as the pilot stepped beside them. And turned to Cooper. “What do you say, young man?”

He wiggled his head back and forth. “I’ve never seen anything so great.”

“Now that you’re down here—” he pointed to a four-wheeled Ranger waiting nearby “—there’s your transportation. The driver’s waiting for you. You’ll be on bumpy trails so hang on, and when you’re back, we’ll have lunch.”

When the pilot walked back to the helicopter, Ethan beckoned them to follow. Once in the Jeep, they headed for the Kaibab National Forest with dense stands of firs, pines and aspen trees. The beauty stirred him, but his mind clung to Cooper who bounced beside him, and though he laughed
and oohed at the ride and the sights, his weakness became evident.

Amid the amazing landscape, all he could think about was Cooper. Ethan leaned closer to Lexie. “I’ll make arrangements to go home as soon as we’re back.”

Relief flooded her face. “Thank you.” She tilted her head toward Cooper. “He’ll be disappointed, but it’s for the best.”

Ethan slipped his arm around the boy and held him tight as he sent up a prayer.

Lexie crumpled into a chair at the MOSK meeting. Meetings had been at the bottom of her list between coping with overwhelming stress since her, Cooper and Ethan’s trip to the Grand Canyon. Two weeks ago, she’d embraced hope. Cooper had been well for many weeks. Her relationship with Ethan, though shaky at times, held promise, and life had wrapped around her like a warm blanket on a cold night.

Not now. She and Ethan hadn’t talked about her confession the last night at the Grand Canyon with so much going on, and she wasn’t sure how it would impact their relationship for the future. Every minute since their quick return tangled in taking care of Cooper and catching up on their work. Tears sprung to her eyes as she pictured the discouragement on his Cooper’s face. His confidence had been shattered when the cancer returned with a vengeance. Terror had taken control of her.

Kelsey finished speaking with the new woman and scooted to her side. “Not good?”

She could only shake her head for fear a sob would burst from her throat. Her strength and determination pooled at her feet, soon to be washed away by another storm brewing in the sky. That’s how leukemia encroached on her life.

“I’m so sorry.” Kelsey sank to the chair beside her and
wrapped her arm around Lexie’s shoulder. “I’ve been worried. You told me on the phone Cooper had a relapse, but when you missed the last meeting, I suspected the news wasn’t good.”

“Nothing’s been decided for sure, but—” She waved the words away. “Later, okay?”

Kelsey nodded and gave her a squeeze. “I need to get the meeting started anyway.” She rose and took a step before turning around. “Did I tell you I presented the idea of allowing men to join our group?”

“No. I didn’t realize you were doing it so soon.” Emotions wavered through her, questioning her stance. She needed to think about that. “What did everyone say?”

“Mixed responses. We listed the pros and cons, and I asked everyone to think about it. We’ll discuss it today and then vote in another week.”

Lexie nodded. That sounded fair to her.

Kelsey opened the meeting, and Lexie tried to concentrate. She’d probably made a mistake coming to MOSK today. Her emotions were nosediving into the pits, and she couldn’t control her tears. She’d never been like this, but since spending time with Ethan, she’d unlatched the bonds that held her in check. Being strong and independent was part of her identity until now when she’d almost formed a partnership. She could lean on Ethan and let him be strong for her. A mistake. No question.

When Kelsey initiated the idea of allowing men to attend the MOSK meetings, her mind bogged with thoughts, mixed reaction that made no sense. Yes. No. If voting was to be today, she needed to abstain.

A soft buzz sounded from her bag. She slipped her hand in and pulled out her cell phone. Ethan. She rose and tiptoed from the room to the hallway as she answered. “Hi.”
Words skittered away, and her greeting had been all she could squeeze from her throat. “How’s Cooper?”

“Not good.”

“Did you talk with Dr. Herman?”

She drew in a breath, trying to keep her voice steady, and told him the latest news.

“Bone morrow transplant?” Ethan’s voice darkened. “I know you’ve avoided it, but it can be a cure. Don’t forget that.”

“Yes, but it’s terrible.” The tremor in her voice gave her away.

“Are you home?”

“I’m at the MOSK meeting.”

“Let me pick you up, Lexie. Now.”

Her chest emptied of air. “Okay. I can’t concentrate here anyway. I have my car so I’ll drive home first. Come to the house.” Tension turned to relief. “I’ll be waiting.”

“I can’t believe I missed all the signs. That’s my job. I pride myself on being watchful.”

Ethan gave her shoulder a squeeze and drew her closer on the porch glider. “You were on vacation with so many distractions. Cooper was pushing himself to see everything. It’s natural that you didn’t pick up all the clues.”

“It came on fast this time, and that’s what scares me. I should have paid attention to his stomachache, and he slept so much. He’s usually too antsy and excited to sleep. I should have been more aware.”

Ethan slipped his free hand into hers. “You had many things on your mind besides the trip. I know we’ve been dealing with our relationship. I wish that hadn’t distracted you, but I’m glad you opened up.”

Her eyes widened with question. “You are?”

“I admit you shocked me. You’d never hinted about not being married, and—”

“I never allowed myself to think about it. I’ve been ashamed for so long. Ashamed of being so gullible and stupid. Ashamed for doing something I morally didn’t accept. Ashamed of the poor relationship with my parents.” Her voice trembled as tears rolled down her cheeks.

He drew her head against his. “Shame isn’t constructive. Guilt isn’t, either. Changing your life is what counts. You’ve done that. You’re a hard worker with a good career. A wonderful mother. A precious friend to me. Shame and guilt need to be dead and buried.”

“God does that. He wipes the slate and erases our sins.”

Ethan’s heart rose to his throat. “Yes, and He has already done that for you. You’ve atoned a thousand times. More than you needed to.”

Her dam of tears opened, and she burrowed her face in his shoulder.

He held her close, feeling her body quake with emotion and wanting to make it better, but he suspected only the Lord could do that.

When she lifted her head, she looked into his eyes. “Sorry. Your shirt is wet.”

“Tears are healing. I’m glad you chose my shoulder.” He held her tighter. “So what’s next?”

Lexie closed her eyes and shook her head. “I’ve done everything to avoid a bone marrow transplant for Cooper. It’s long and painful, and then we need a donor.”

“Do you match?”

That was the million-dollar question. She shrugged. “I would have to be tested.”

His chest constricted. “If not, then what?”

“Wait for months, years, until a donor matches? And
that’s not the best transplant. Family gives more hope of success.”

“I’ll be tested, Lexie. I’m not family, but it’s another chance. The longer he waits the—” He slammed his mouth closed. What? The longer they waited the higher the chance Cooper might die. He tried to speak, but his throat constricted as he fought tears growing behind his eyes.

Lexie leaned her head against his chest. “If God has welcomed me as a believer, all I can do is pray and fight with everything I have to make things go right.” She lifted her head. “I’m not giving up without a fight. I won’t succumb to pressure. I want to weigh all alternatives. Tomorrow I face a consultation with the oncologist.”

“Do you want me to go with you?”

Her eyes searched his with a flicker of approval, but the flicker died. “I need to do this alone.” Her gaze softened. “But thanks.”

“You’ll call me as soon as you can?”

Her mouth curved upward for the first time since they’d returned home. “You know I will.”

He ran his finger along the line of her lips while his pulse played havoc with his mind. “I know our talk seems unimportant during this crisis. It’s the least of your worries, but—”

“It’s not the least of my worries, Ethan.” Her gaze penetrated his. “A major breakthrough happened that day. An important one for me. I’d dragged that trauma in a sack of regret for years, and I couldn’t let go, because I had no one to help me. You did that. You allowed me to spew my sin into the air. I’ve never felt such relief.”

“I can’t tell you how happy that makes me.” Though he’d tried to ignore his feelings and his concern of reliving the past again with Cooper’s cancer, his denial ballooned then fizzled.
“Lexie, I know this is a rotten time to discuss anything but Cooper, yet I have to get this off my chest.”

Her gaze captured his, a look of distress growing on her face. “What is it?”

“Nothing. Nothing’s wrong.” As he rose, the glider swung back, and he caught his balance. He reached for her hand, prepared this time as she stood beside him, questions darting in her eyes. “I’ve told you that I care about you and Cooper. I’ve admitted I love your son, but all along, I’ve wondered how you’ve felt. You tend to fade away sometimes, and I have no idea what you’re thinking or feeling.” He slipped his arm around her slender waist. “My feelings for you have grown, and I want to know where we stand.”

She looked into the distance without responding while emotions rolled across her face like a scrolling message sign moving too fast to read.

He remained silent.

Finally she gazed at him. “I’ve been fearful of relationships since Hart. Trusting another man hurts.”

His stomach twisted. “Lexie, you’ve known me for a while now. You know you can—”

She pressed her finger against his lips. “I knew Hart much longer than I’ve known you, Ethan. But you’re different.”

Different? His emotions unraveled. Waiting.

“No matter how many times I thought about distrusting you, I found myself believing what you said and did. I looked for ulterior motives. I chalked your behavior to your faith. I told you that, but my heart insisted I was wrong.”