A Doctor to Remember (9 page)

‘Well, I’ll need one if I’m going to start work. But that’s not important right now. I want to know what’s wrong, Matt. Something’s troubling you. Is it your sister?’

He sighed heavily and then nodded. ‘I’ve seen the results of the tests and the CT scan. They’ve diagnosed Zollinger-Ellison syndrome.’

She pulled in a quick breath. ‘Oh, no…no wonder you’re feeling down…I’m so sorry, Matt.’ It was bad news. She laid her hand over his, trying to offer him comfort, and he gave her fingers an answering squeeze.

She really felt for him. Zollinger-Ellison syndrome was an illness caused by a tumour or tumours in the duodenum and sometimes in the pancreas, too. They secreted large amounts of the hormone gastrin, which caused large amounts of stomach acid to be produced, and in turn that led to the formation of ulcers. It was a very rare disease and there was around a fifty per cent chance that the tumours might be malignant. ‘How is she? Does she know about it?’

‘Yes, she knows. Obviously, it was a huge shock for her, but she was trying to put on a brave face for Ben.’

‘Will they try surgery?’

He nodded. ‘As a first stage of treatment, yes. The Whipple procedure would be the best option, but it’s difficult and very specialised surgery, as you probably know. If the tumours have spread to other parts of her body they won’t even consider it. We’ll just have to take things one step at a time.’

‘It’s hard to take in. I’ve heard it might go better if the patient has chemotherapy before surgery as well as afterwards.’ She reflected on that for a while, know a doctor to remembering just how terrible it must be for Gemma and Matt to have to go through all this heartache.

She said, ‘If there’s anything I can do…does Gemma want any more books, or magazines, anything that will help to take her mind off things? I could perhaps find her some DVDs if she’d prefer?’

‘Thanks, Saffi. I think she still has some of the magazines you sent last week. Maybe some comedy DVDs might help to take her mind off things for a while. Perhaps we can sort something out between us? I tried taking her fruit and chocolates but, of course, she has to be careful what she eats. Some things disagree with her.’

‘We’ll find something.’

They went on with their meal for a while, but somehow the pleasure in tasting the perfectly cooked meat and fresh vegetables had waned. She said quietly, ‘Do your parents know?’

‘Yes, I phoned my mother this afternoon. She was at work—she’s a vet up in Cheltenham. She was so upset she said she was leaving everything and coming over right away.’

‘I expect that will be good for Gemma.’

He nodded. ‘My father’s a GP in Somerset. He’s going to try and get a locum to cover his practice for a while.’

‘Your parents are divorced, then? I hadn’t realised. Did that happen a long time ago?’

‘When I was a child, yes.’ His eyes were troubled. ‘I was about eight years old when they broke up. Gemma was younger. It was fairly traumatic for both of us… though I suppose it often is for the children if it’s a fairly hostile split.’

He leaned back in his seat as the waiter came to clear the dishes and take their order for dessert. He swallowed some of his wine, and then refilled Saffi’s glass.

‘We chose to stay with my mother—Gemma and I. My father could be distracted by work and we didn’t always get to see much of him.’ He pulled a face. ‘Then about three years later my mother had a sudden illness that affected her kidneys and we were taken into foster-care for a while.’

Saffi sucked in a breath. ‘Is she all right now? It must have been a double blow to go through the break-up of your family and then to have that happen.’ She frowned, trying to imagine what it would have been like to endure such an emotional upset.

‘I think she’s all right. While she was in hospital, they managed to prevent the worst of the kidney damage, but she has to take medication now to control her blood pressure and cholesterol, to make sure there aren’t any further problems. She sees a specialist once a year, and things seem to be going well for her, as long as she follows the dietary advice he’s given her.’ He was quiet for a moment. ‘I think she’s the reason I wanted to study medicine.’

The waiter brought dessert, a pear tatin with vanilla ice cream, and Saffi ate, almost without knowing what she was eating. ‘I’d no idea you had such a troubled childhood,’ she said. ‘But I suppose it was better for you once your mother was out of hospital?’

‘Yes, it was.’ He toyed with his food. ‘Gemma and I had been in separate foster-homes for quite a long time, and that was tough. We were taken away from everything that made us feel safe.’ He lifted his glance to her. ‘But I don’t suppose it was much worse than what you went through. After all, your parents died, didn’t they?’

‘They did, but I was quite young when that happened. And I had Aunt Annie. She stepped in right away and was like a mother to me. My uncle was there as well until two or three years ago, so he became a father figure for me.’

She dipped her spoon into the tart and savoured the taste of caramelised fruit on her tongue. ‘Did you see much of your father back then?’

‘Quite a bit. We’d spend time with him whenever he had a free weekend, but then he married again and his wife already had children of her own. We didn’t get on all that well with them. We tried, of course, but they were older than me and Gemma and I think they resented us.’

‘Oh, dear. That doesn’t sound good. It must have been awkward for you.’

He smiled. ‘Probably, as children, you take these things more or less in your stride. It’s only when you get to adulthood and you look back that you realise it could have been a lot better, or maybe that you could have handled things differently. I was more or less okay with my father getting married again, but when my mother did the same thing I wasn’t too happy.’ He pulled a face. ‘I was quite rebellious for a time.’

Saffi studied him thoughtfully as he signalled to the waiter and ordered two cappuccinos. ‘Do you think it’s had an effect on you?’ she asked when the waiter left. ‘Now, I mean, as an adult.’

He mused on that for a while. ‘Possibly. I suppose it makes you cautious. But it’s probably worse when you’re an adolescent. Your emotions are all over the place anyway then. At one time I began to think I didn’t really belong anywhere. I looked out for Gemma—that was the one thing that was constant.’

‘Maybe that’s why you can’t settle into relationships now—the reason you bale out when things start to get serious—because deep down you think it could all go wrong and then it would be heart-wrenching for you all over again.’

He looked startled for a second or two, but he mused on that for a while, and then he frowned. ‘I hadn’t thought of it that way,’ he said. He gave a crooked smile. ‘I think you could be right. Men are supposed to be tough, but even they can have their hearts broken.’

She stirred brown sugar crystals into her coffee and stayed silent, deep in thought.
Once bitten?
Had some woman broken his heart in years past? Perhaps that had reinforced his conviction that he must steer clear of getting too deeply involved. Was it the reason he seemed to have so much trouble dealing with his feelings for her?

Maybe it might have been better if she’d never worked out the cause of his reluctance to commit long term. If he started going over past decisions in his mind, would he soon start to have second thoughts about seeing Gina again?

When they left the restaurant, it was still fairly early, and they walked along the quayside for a while, looking at the yachts in the harbour. He put his arm around her bare shoulders and said softly, ‘I’m sorry for weighing you down with my problems. I wanted this to be a pleasant evening.’

‘It was. It is. Perhaps we should do it again some time.’ Her face flushed a little as she realised how pushy that sounded, and she added hurriedly, ‘I mean, when you’re not so troubled and you can relax a bit more.’

He smiled. ‘I’d really like that.’ They stopped by a railing and looked out over the bay in the distance, formed by tall cliffs and a long promontory. Waves lapped at the shore and splashed over the rocks. Further out, a lighthouse blinked a warning to any passing ships.

After a while, he checked his watch and said soberly, ‘I suppose we should start heading for home. I wish we didn’t have to break up the evening like this. I want to be with you…’ He smiled wryly. ‘I’m beginning to resent this Jason before I’ve even met him.’

He linked his fingers in hers as they started to walk back to the car. It felt good, just the two of them, hand in hand, and she, too, wished the evening didn’t have to end.

It was still well before nine o’clock when they arrived home, but Saffi was dismayed to find that there was a black car parked on the drive. As she and Matt approached the house, the driver’s door opened and a man stood up and came to greet them. He was tall, with crisply styled brown hair and hazel eyes. He wore a beautifully tailored dark suit.

‘Saffi, it’s so good to see you again.’ Before she could guess his intention, Jason had put his arms around her and drawn her to him in a warm embrace. Beside her, she felt Matt stiffen.

Saffi froze. Jason was a virtual stranger to her and she had no idea how to react. She had the strong feeling he would have kissed her, too, but he seemed to gain control of himself just in time and released her. Maybe he realised she wasn’t responding to him as he might have expected.

She felt bad about her reaction. ‘I…uh…Jason… hello. I don’t think you know Matt, do you? He lives in the annexe over there.’ She waved a hand towards the end of the building. ‘He’s been really helpful to me, one way and another, these last few weeks.’

Jason frowned, and it seemed like an awkward moment, but Matt nodded a guarded acknowledgement of him and said, ‘She’s been through a bad time, so I’ve been looking out for her. I mean to go on doing that.’

Something in the way he said it made Saffi glance at Matt. Perhaps he’d meant it as a subtle warning, but Jason didn’t seem put out.

She said, ‘Thanks for coming over here, Jason. It was good of you to do that.’

‘I was glad to. I wanted to see you again.’

‘You came to see me in hospital, didn’t you?’

He nodded. ‘I’d have visited more often, but the nurses wouldn’t let me. Then your flatmate kept sending me away, saying you weren’t up to seeing people. Can you believe it—after all we meant to one another? I’m just so glad that we can finally be together.’

She heard Matt’s sudden intake of breath and she made a shuddery gasp. It was no wonder he was alarmed by what Jason was saying. It had come as news to her, too.

Her cheeks flooded with sudden heat. How could she tell Jason that she didn’t know him? He seemed to think things were exactly as they had been before—that they could go back to whatever relationship they’d had before she’d suffered her head injury.

‘I…I’m still having trouble remembering things, Jason,’ she said in a soft voice. ‘I’m sorry, but I still don’t know who you are and I don’t think we can go back to how we were. It’s not possible.’

Jason shook his head. ‘I know it was a bad thing that happened to you, Saffi, but I’m not going to give up on what we had. Even if you’ve lost your memory, we can start again.’

Saffi looked at him, a feeling of apprehension starting up in her stomach. ‘I don’t think that’s possible, Jason. Things are different now. I’m not the same person I was back then, back in Hampshire.’

‘I don’t believe that’s true, Saffi. People don’t change, deep down. And I won’t give up on you. How can I? I won’t rest until things are back to how they should be. You mean everything to me, Saffi. We love one another. We were practically engaged. It’ll be the same again, you’ll see.’

Saffi stared at him in disbelief. Engaged? Was it true? Matt was looking stunned by the revelation and she felt as though the blood was draining out of her. A feeling of dread enveloped her. How could she even consider being with another man when in her heart she knew she wanted Matt?

But wasn’t that the worst betrayal of all, wanting to have nothing at all to do with a man she was supposed to have loved?

Distraught, she looked at Matt. She was shattered by everything Jason had said.

‘Let’s not get ahead of ourselves,’ Matt said, his gaze narrowing on Jason. ‘Whatever was between you two before this has to go on the back burner. She’s in shock. She doesn’t know you. You have no choice but to let it go for now.’

M
ATT HELPED JASON
to unload the boot of his car, and between the three of them they carried Saffi’s belongings into the house. The men seemed to have come to a mutual agreement that there would be no more talk of what had gone on in the past, and gradually Saffi felt the shock of Jason’s announcement begin to fade away. Had they really been on the point of getting engaged?

After a while she managed to find her voice once more and she tried to make general conversation, wanting to ease the tension that had sprung up between the two men.

Neither of them said very much, but when they had finished the work, they both followed her into the kitchen. Matt was making no attempt to return to the annexe, and she suspected he had no intention of leav- ing her alone with Jason.

‘My coffee-maker,’ she said with a smile, unpack- ing one of the boxes. ‘I’ve really missed it. Who’s for espresso?’

She spooned freshly ground coffee into the filter and added water to the machine. It gave her something to do, and helped to take her mind off the awfulness of her situation. She’d been thoroughly shaken by events, so much so that her hands were trembling. Turning away, she tried to hide the tremors by going to the fridge and pouring milk into a jug.

Matt was frowning, his dark eyes watching Jason, assessing him. ‘How long will you be staying in Devon?’ he asked, and Saffi was grateful to him for taking over the conversation for a while. She felt awkward, out of her depth and she had no idea what to do about it.

‘A couple of weeks,’ Jason answered. ‘I’ve booked into a hotel in town.’

Saffi handed him a cup of coffee. ‘Chloe said you were taking some time off work…’ She pulled a face. ‘I don’t even know what it is that you do.’

‘I’m a medical rep. I generally work in the Hampshire area, and sometimes further afield if an opportunity crops up.’

‘And you were working near to here today?’

‘That’s right, but I’d already made up my mind to come and see you. I just wanted to be near you, Saffi.’ His gaze was intent, his hazel eyes troubled. ‘We were so close before the accident. I want to be with you and make it like it was before. We can do that, can’t we?’

She looked away momentarily, unable to face the yearning in his expression. He seemed to be in such an agony of emotion—how was it that she could have forgotten him, feel nothing for him, and yet apparently they had been so close? She was overwhelmed by guilt.

‘I don’t know what to say to you, Jason. I don’t know what to do.’ She frowned, trying to work things out in her mind. Why did this have to happen…especially now, when she cared so much for Matt? But how could she simply turn Jason away? That would be heartless, like a betrayal of whatever relationship they’d once had. Was she the kind of person who could do that?

She said quietly, ‘I know this must be very difficult for you. Perhaps we could get to know one another again…take it slowly…but I can’t make any promises. I don’t know how things will turn out. Things have changed. I’m not the same person any more.’

‘What are you trying to say to me?’ Jason’s mouth made a flat line. ‘Are you telling me you feel differently because you’re with him?’ He looked pointedly at Matt, a muscle in his jaw flicking.

She closed her eyes for a second or two, a tide of anxiety washing through her. ‘Yes, I think I am.’ She let out a long, slow breath. She’d said it. Admitted it. She’d known what the consequences might be when she couldn’t stay away from Matt. She’d flirted with danger. Matt didn’t want a long-term relationship, he had been clear on that, but she’d gone ahead anyway, getting herself in deeper and deeper.

Standing beside her, she saw Matt brace his shoulders. His lips were parted slightly as though on a soft sigh…of relief, or was he concerned now because she might want their relationship to be more serious? He didn’t say anything, though, but looked fixedly at Jason.

Jason’s mouth was rigid. ‘You don’t love her,’ he said. ‘You can’t possibly care for her as I do. You’ve only known her for five minutes…how can that compare with what Saffi and I have shared?’

Matt pulled a wry face. ‘Actually, you’re wrong about that. I’ve known Saffi for years. The irony of it is that she doesn’t remember me either.’

Jason looked stunned. After a second or two he recovered himself and said briskly, ‘So, we’re on an even footing. We’ll see who comes out of this the winner, won’t we?’

‘True.’

Saffi stared at both of them, a wave of exasperation pulsing through her. ‘Have you both finished discussing me as though I’m some kind of commodity to be shifted from one place to another as you please?’ she enquired briskly. ‘I think it’s time for you both to leave.’

Stunned by her sharp rebuke, they did as she asked, albeit with great reluctance. Jason said goodbye, stroking her arm in a light caress, hesitant, as though he wanted to do more, perhaps to take her in his arms. Finally, he went to his car and drove off towards town.

Matt stood on the drive, watching him turn his car onto the country lane.

Saffi raised her brows questioningly. ‘You’re still here,’ she said.

He gave her a wry smile. ‘I’m just making sure you’re safe,’ he murmured, and then with a gleam in his eyes he added, ‘If you begin to feel anxious in the night, or you want some company, you only have to bang on the wall and I’ll be there in an instant.’

‘Hmm…thanks for that, I appreciate it. But don’t hold your breath, will you?’ she murmured.

His mouth made an amused twist. ‘You think I’m joking. Believe me, I’m not. Are you sure you don’t want me to stay? After all, a few minutes ago you admitted you had feelings for me.’ He moved closer as if to take her in his arms but she dragged up a last ounce of courage and put up a hand to ward him off.

‘I can’t do this, Matt,’ she said huskily. ‘I want to, but I can’t. Not now. My whole life has been turned upside down and I don’t know what to do or what to think. I need some space.’

He laid his hands lightly on her shoulders. ‘I’m sorry. It’s just that I hate to think of you being with that man—with any man. Seeing him with you has come as such a shock it’s making me reassess everything.’ He frowned. ‘I don’t mean to put pressure on you, Saffi, but you must know I want you…I need you to know that. I want you for myself. I want to protect you, to keep you from harm, in any way I can.’

‘I’m not sure you would feel the same way if I hadn’t lost my memory.’ She shook her head. ‘It makes a difference, doesn’t it?’

‘I don’t know. All I know is I’ve always wanted you, Saffi. I’ve tried to fight against it, but I can’t help myself. It seems like I’ve longed for you for ever and a day.’

Wanting wasn’t the same as loving, though, was it? She daren’t risk her happiness on a man who couldn’t settle for one woman in his life. More and more she was growing to understand that it was what she wanted above all else—to have Matt’s love and to know that it was forever.

‘Things are all messed up,’ she said softly. ‘I don’t know who I am or how to respond any more.’

Briefly, he held her close and pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead. ‘Just follow your instincts,’ he said, ‘and know that I’m here for you, whenever you need me.’

He was still watching her as she went back into the house and closed the door. Alone once more, Saffi leaned back against the wall and felt the spirit drain out of her. Everything that she was, or had been, was locked up inside her head. Why didn’t she know what had happened between her and Jason? Why had she and Matt parted company all those years ago? If only she could find the key to unlock the secrets hidden in her mind.

Jason came to call for her the next day, after Matt had left for work, and they spent time walking in the village and exploring the clifftop walks nearby. Perhaps he’d had time to think things through overnight, because he seemed to be doing everything in his power to help ease her mind. He made no demands of her, so that after a while she was able to relax a little with him. He told her about his job as a representative for a pharmaceutical company, and how it involved meetings with hospital clinicians, GPs and pharmacists.

In turn, she told him about her love for the house she’d inherited, the time she spent in the garden or looking after the hens and the beehives.

‘I’ll have to collect the honey soon,’ she told him. ‘You could help if you want. I could find you some protective clothing.’

‘I could never have imagined you doing such things,’ he said with a grin. ‘You were always so busy, working in A and E. You loved it. It was your passion.’

‘Was it?’ She couldn’t be certain, but it felt as though he was right. ‘I’ll be doing it again in a few days’ time.’

He frowned. ‘You will? Are you sure you’re up to it? How are you going to manage things at the house if you do that? The garden’s huge. That’s a full-time job in itself, without the hassle of looking after the hens.’

‘It’s not so bad. Matt helps with everything, especially the bigger jobs around the place, like repairing fences or painting the hen coop. He’s been keeping the lawns trim and so on. Besides, I’ll only be working part time to begin with.’

‘Even so, you don’t need all this bother. You’ve been ill, Saffi. Why don’t you sell up and come back to Hampshire? Life would be a lot easier for you there, and you would have friends around you.’

She shook her head. ‘I don’t remember anyone back there and I wasn’t getting better. I was frightened all the while, and I didn’t know why. It’s different here. I love this house. It’s my home, the place where I spent my childhood and where I felt safe.’

Jason wasn’t happy about her decision, and she knew he wanted her to return to Hampshire with him, but he said no more about it. She saw him most days after that, while Matt was out at work, and he was always careful not to push things too far. Perhaps he was hoping her memory would return and they could take up where they had left off, but that didn’t happen.

Although she knew Matt hated her being with Jason, he didn’t try to persuade her against seeing him. Instead, he was there every evening, helping her with whatever needed to be done about the place. She discovered one of the hens, Mitzi, had a puncture wound in her leg and he cleaned it up while she gently held the bird to stop her from struggling.

‘I think she might have broken the leg,’ he said with a frown. ‘I’ll use some card as a splint and bind it up. Then we’ll take her along to the vet.’ He looked around. ‘It’s hard to see how she’s managed to hurt herself—unless she was panicked in some way and fell against the timbers.’

‘Perhaps we should keep her separate from the others for a while?’

He nodded. ‘I’ll sort out something for her. I think there’s an old rabbit cage in the shed. I’ll scrub it out and make it as good as new and it should make a good place for her to rest up.’

‘Okay. Thanks.’ She smoothed Mitzi’s feathers. ‘You’ll be all right,’ she said soothingly. ‘We’ll look after you.’

The vet prescribed antibiotics, a painkiller and splinted the leg properly. ‘Keep her quiet for a few days, away from the other hens. She should heal up in a few weeks. Bring her back to me next week so that I can see if the leg’s mending okay.’

‘We will, thank you.’ They went back to the house and settled her down in her new home.

‘Maybe we could let her out on the grass on her own when she’s feeling a bit more up to it?’ Saffi suggested. She went over to the garden table and poured juice into a tumbler.

‘Yes, we can do that. If it looks as though she’s going to flap about too much, we’ll pop her back in the cage.’

He sat down on one of the redwood chairs and she slid a glass towards him. He stared into space for a while, unseeing, and she guessed his thoughts were far away.

‘Are you all right? Are you thinking about your sister? Have they operated on her? You said they were deciding on the best course of treatment.’

‘That’s right. They had to find out how far the disease had gone…whether it had spread beyond the pancreas and duodenum, but it seems she’s in luck as far as that goes. They’re bringing in a specialist surgeon to perform the Whipple procedure.’

She stood at the side of him and reached for his hand, wanting to comfort him as best she could. It was major surgery, a complicated procedure where part of the pancreas and the small intestine were removed, along with the gall bladder and part of the bile duct. After that had been done, the remaining organs would be reattached.

‘When will they do it?’

‘Next week. She’s having a course of chemotherapy first to try and make sure it goes no further than it already has. They’re going to do minimally invasive surgery, through laparoscopy, so there should be less chance of complications.’

Saffi bent down and put her arms around him. ‘If you hadn’t insisted on taking her to hospital, things could have been much worse. You’ve done everything you can for her, Matt.’

‘Yeah.’ He sighed. ‘It just doesn’t seem like nearly enough.’

‘You’re looking after Ben again, aren’t you? Has his father gone back to work?’

He nodded. ‘James is worried sick about Gemma and about the effect it’s having on Ben. He was at the hospital all the time, but now he has to go away on an urgent callout. He’s going to make sure he’s back here when she has the surgery. I think this illness has really shaken him up.’

‘I don’t suppose Ben’s reacting too well to all the changes going on in his life. Perhaps he can help me with the honey—not the collecting of it but afterwards, when I put it into jars?’

‘I think he would enjoy that. When are you planning on doing it?’

‘At the weekend.’ She made a wry face. ‘I thought I would open up the hives on Saturday, around lunchtime, when, like you said, most of the bees would be out and about.’

‘Good idea. I’ll give you a hand.’

She smiled at him. ‘Thanks. I wasn’t looking forward to doing it on my own for the first time.’ Jason had said he had to be somewhere else on that particular morning, and she wondered if he had a problem with bees, or was worried about being stung. He still maintained she ought to sell up and leave everything behind.

Matt shot her a quick glance. ‘How do you feel about going into work next week?’