A Fairly Honourable Defeat (27 page)

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Authors: Iris Murdoch

BOOK: A Fairly Honourable Defeat
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‘I just can’t understand—’
‘Where is Axel this evening, by the way?’
‘At
Fidelio.
’
‘Will he be missing you?’
‘No. He’s going on to a sort of supper party afterwards. But I must get back—I can’t—But—Oh dear, oh
dear
—’
‘Don’t fret, child. All manner of thing shall be well. Drink your whisky and then we’ll decide what to do next. You can have some clothes of mine. I’m rather larger than you but I expect we can fit you out.’
The front door bell rang. Julius got up and went to the door, leaving Simon standing distractedly in the middle of the floor with his glass. Morgan entered slowly. She glanced at Julius, passed him and came on into the room. She was wearing a dress and her grey mackintosh and carrying a small suitcase. She turned and looked very coolly at Julius.
Julius began to laugh. Simon gave a sickly smile. Morgan looked detached, dignified. Then in a moment she began to laugh too. She and Julius laughed, falling about the room, swaying weakly with ever renewed paroxysms of helpless mirth. Simon sat down and drank some neat whisky. He surveyed them morosely.
‘Oh Julius,’ said Morgan at last, reeling to the sofa, ‘you really are a
god!
’
‘Have a drink,’ said Julius. ‘Simon, get another glass and also a jug of water.’
Simon padded gloomily out to the kitchen.
‘So you were holding out on me, you had some Bourbon after all! Oh gosh, I’m sorry about the T’ang horse. I’ll pay for it.’
‘You couldn’t afford to,’ said Julius.
‘Why were you so long?’ said Simon accusingly to Morgan, bringing the glass and the jug. ‘I thought you were never coming. And what about my clothes?’
‘Poor Simon, oh
poor
Simon—’ More laughter.
‘I want to go home,’ said Simon.
‘Yes, yes, your clothes are here, in the case, I’m terribly sorry—’
Simon took the suitcase into the bathroom and began to dress rapidly. He could hear Morgan explaining to Julius. ‘You see, everything went wrong, you know, like it does in dreams, first I couldn’t get a taxi, then when I got to Priory Grove no one was in and I remembered Hilda and Rupert were out to dinner and I couldn’t remember where, and you know usually they leave the back door unlocked only this time they hadn’t, and I spent ages trying to get in but I couldn’t, and I fell off a window sill and thought I’d twisted my ankle, I’m afraid I tore your trousers, Simon, I’m terribly sorry, and then I decided I’d go to another friend’s place and borrow her things, only she wasn’t in either and it took ages getting there and getting back and there were just
no
taxis, and then I waited at Priory Grove and at last Hilda and Rupert turned up and I got the clothes and do you know all they said when they saw me was “What a frightfully smart trouser suit you’ve got yourself, it does suit you”!’
Simon emerged. ‘
Good night!
’
‘Oh Simon, don’t be cross with me!’
‘One moment, Simon,’ said Julius. ‘Wait just a moment. Morgan will be going with you.’
Morgan looked at his face and raised her eyebrows. ‘All right, Julius. Still God.’
‘Simon,’ said Julius, and he was very serious now, almost grim. ‘I advise you not to tell Axel about this evening’s little farce.’
‘Oh Simon, you
can’t
tell Axel,’ cried Morgan. ‘I couldn’t bear it. He wouldn’t think it funny.’
‘It isn’t funny!’ said Simon.
‘You know how dignified Axel is,’ said Julius. ‘He hates the absurd.’
‘Whereas you have a genius for it, Simon darling,’ said Morgan.
‘He would feel you had let him down,’ said Julius.
‘Besides it wouldn’t be fair to me,’ said Morgan. ‘Just think, Simon. Suppose Axel were to tell Rupert? This must be our secret, no one else must know.’
‘Morgan is right,’ said Julius.
‘All right,’ said Simon. He felt that fear again, a feeling as of taking a first step in under a dark canopy. ‘But suppose Axel is home when I get there—’
‘Then invent something, you fool,’ said Morgan.
‘Careless talk costs loves, my Simon,’ said Julius. ‘A necessary ingredient in a happy marriage is the ability to tell soothing lies to your partner.’
‘All right then,’ said Simon. He looked from one to the other of them. They were still glowing with laughter and they looked authoritative, strong.
A few minutes later he and Morgan were out in Brook Street looking for a taxi. Simon arrived home before Axel.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
 
‘YOU’D BETTER GO FAIRLY SOON, darling,’ said Hilda to Morgan, ‘if you don’t want to run into Tallis.’
‘Are you two going to
courtmartial
Tallis?’ said Morgan.
‘No, of course not.’
‘You’re going to ask him if his intentions about me are honourable! ’ Morgan went off into wild laughter.
Hilda looked at her sister anxiously. For the last two days Morgan had displayed a sort of desperate feverish cheerfulness which Hilda was at a loss to understand. She had not succeeded in making Morgan talk. Something was being concealed.
‘I do wish you weren’t moving into that flat,’ said Hilda. ‘I hate the idea of your being all alone there. I can’t think why you won’t stay on here, you know we love having you.’
‘I’ve got to think things out by myself, Hilda. I know you’re worried. But it will be better in the long run, I do assure you.’
‘I wish you’d let me give you some money.’
‘Oh I will, I will! I’ll borrow some anyway, a bit later on.’
‘Morgan, you really must
think
about Tallis.’
‘I assure you, Hilda, Tallis is a permanent feature of all my thoughts. Even if I’m thinking about what there’ll be for dinner, Tallis is there, like a little brown picture stuck up in the corner!’ More wild laughter.
‘I wish you’d be serious, sweetheart.’
‘Oh but I am serious. Deadly serious.
Deadly
serious.’
‘Tallis will expect us to know what you propose to do.’
‘Anyone who knew that would know more than I do. Perhaps a little bird knows it. Or God. I certainly don’t.’
‘But you must make up your mind. It’s something you’ve got to
do.
You can’t expect to wake up one morning and find it’s been done for you.’
‘That’s exactly what I do expect, Hilda. Exactly. I’ll wake up one morning and I’ll say to myself—’
‘Oh Morgan, Morgan! What
is
the matter?’
‘Nothing’s the matter. Except that I’ve gone mad. When is poor Tallis coming to be courtmartialled?’
‘About six.’
‘Well, I’ve got an hour.’
‘Do you want to borrow the car?’
‘No, I probably wouldn’t be able to park it. I’ve got enough for tonight and I’ll fetch the rest of my stuff tomorrow by taxi.’
‘I hope you’ll be warm enough over there in the evenings. Did you air the bed properly?’
‘Oh Hilda, do stop worrying! I’ll be perfectly all right.’
‘By the way are you seeing Peter again?’
‘I hope so. Fingers crossed, but I
think
I’ve persuaded him to go and see his supervisor! The idea of my driving him to Cambridge seemed to be attractive!’
‘Oh Morgan, if only you could! You really are our last hope with Peter. I suppose that’s one advantage of your living somewhere else. You might see a little of the wretched boy.’
‘I’ve asked him round for a drink. Better lay in buns and ginger pop!’
‘Oh dear, Peter was unspeakable the other day. One would think that at least good manners could be absolutely bred into somebody.’
‘I thought Axel was pretty unspeakable too, Hilda.’
‘Axel wrote a long emotional letter to Rupert, castigating himself. ’
‘Much good that does. I wish Simon wasn’t living with Axel.’
‘I respect Axel. Simon was leading a pretty crazy sort of life before Axel turned up.’
‘Well, I expect he was happier, and I’m not sure that a crazy sort of life isn’t the best kind of life to lead.’
‘Morgan, have you seen Julius again, since that time he turned up here and you ran after him?’
‘No.’
‘You’re lying—’
‘Quite right, I’m lying. Oh I’ll tell you all about it later, Hilda. Whatever happens, you won’t think too ill of me, will you? I think if I absolutely lost your good opinion it would kill me.’
‘Darling, you’re always attributing harsh moral judgements to me, but I’m not making any! I just want you to be happy! I
couldn’t
condemn you!’
‘People like you and Rupert make harsh moral judgements just by existing.’
‘You make us sound awful!’
‘No, no, it’s wonderful. I worship you both. But I may have to vote for craziness in the end. Maybe that’s something I have in common with Peter!’
‘I’m worried about what you’re going to
do
when you’re all alone in that flat.’
‘I’m going to enjoy life, Hilda. I shall give wild parties and be the talk of the neighbourhood!’
‘Darling, I do hope—’
‘No, no, I’m not serious. I
will
enjoy myself, but ever so quietly and intelligently. I shall cultivate Peter, I shall get drunk with Simon, I shall go to theatres and concerts, I shall visit every art gallery in London—’
‘I know, you always used to be a great gallery hound. But you must come here
often.
You won’t neglect us will you, sweetheart? Now I do think you should go. Shall I telephone for a taxi?’
‘No, of course not, I’ll walk. I’ve only got this little case and the basket. Don’t worry, Hilda. And don’t forget. Love me.’
‘I couldn’t forget that.’
‘Give my love to Tallis!’
‘Don’t be flippant, darling!’
Hilda smiled and waved out of the window as Morgan disappeared down Priory Grove. Then she turned back into the bedroom and sat down in front of her mirror. If she dyed her hair would it give it a sort of dead appearance? Deciding to dye one’s hair did seem like a final farewell to youth. She looked terribly tired around the eyes again today. She could still see her younger face, perky, pert, angelic. But could anybody else see it now? How radiant Morgan was looking, but somehow unhealthily excited. Perhaps she ought to have pressed her about Julius.
Hilda ran a comb through the longish darkish greyish locks and they fell back into their handsome layers of curls. She put a little powder on her nose and a little lipstick onto her lips. The lipstick gave her a dated look. Perhaps it was the wrong colour. It was years since she had
thought
about cosmetics. She was not at all looking forward to the interview with Tallis. It had been Rupert’s idea. Rupert got so anxious and felt so responsible for other people’s welfare and he wanted to get things
clear.
Men so often did.
Hilda herself was feeling increasingly distressed. She did not like the mood that Morgan was in, and though she had denied making moral judgements it did hurt her to see her sister behaving in an unworthy way. She felt sure that nothing but further insanity would result from Morgan’s playing around with Julius. Her own feelings about Julius had hardened, and when Rupert had suggested that now that Morgan was leaving them they might invite Julius to dinner Hilda had been unenthusiastic. Hilda felt increasing pity for Tallis, and she realized too that her irritation with the whole situation was partly caused by guilt. She ought never to have let it be seen that she was disappointed in Morgan’s marriage. She had made her own contribution to the gradual shrinking of Tallis. She hoped Rupert, who had been heard to condemn Tallis for irresolution and vagueness, would not try to play the stern inquisitor. It would be so out of place. It was they who should be begging Tallis’s pardon.
Hilda crossed the landing to Rupert’s study. ‘I got Morgan off all right. She thinks she may manage to take Peter to Cambridge. ’
‘So she told me. I’m very relieved. The more she can see of him the better.’
‘How’s the book?’ Hilda leaned over her husband, running her fingers through the loose faded blond hair, dry and cool.
Rupert thrust away a yellow notebook in which he had been writing in his neat tiny hand. ‘Quite alarmingly nearly finished!’
‘We must have that celebration dinner.’
‘We must indeed. You don’t mind if I invite Julius? He has always taken such an interest in the book.’
‘All right. But if we invite Julius we can’t invite Tallis.’
‘I suppose that does follow.’
‘Well, Julius is your friend. Where shall we see Tallis, here or downstairs?’
‘Downstairs is more friendly.’

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