A Fashionably Dead Christmas: Hot Damned Series, Book 5 (12 page)

"You do realize you just called me a swine oh sister in law," Astrid said as Raquel blanched.

My mother had been Astrid's grandmother several hundred years after she had given birth to my sister and myself. While at first it had been awkward and alarming since Astrid and I mistakenly thought we were attracted to each other, it turned out to be a blessing. The logistics of our heritage were complicated. Easiest and shortest way to explain--reincarnation on my mother's part.

"I didn't mean you," Raquel replied contritely.

"Heathcliff is my thirty-fourth or seventy-eighth cousin," Astrid told her as she played with the shattered pieces of a vase that was older than dirt. "So while he may be all those other things, his line is pristine."

Even I had to roll my eyes at that one. I was a Vampyre and Astrid was half Vampyre and half Demon. Pristine was pushing it.

"Raquel, come with me," Astrid said as she got up and stepped on an ancient scroll. Both the bane of my existence and I winced at that one. "We'll find Samuel and you can teach him quantum physics or some other equally redonkulous bullshit like algebra."

"My pleasure," Raquel said as she waved goodbye to me with her middle finger and flounced out of the room.

That would definitely be the first body part I would remove.

"Heathcliff, you wait here. Ethan wants to talk with you."

The sound of Raquel's laughter as she sped down the hall made me grind my fangs. She wouldn't have the last laugh. Nope, I'd make sure of that.

***

"She's a pain in the ass and as difficult as they come, but she's brilliant and she's my sister. You will make this work. And for God's sake stop betting her or daring her to do things—she can't stop herself," Ethan said tersely.

My oldest and closest friend ran his hands through his hair in frustration as he took in his office. I glanced around at the disaster and looked down at the floor. I never lost control. Ever. That woman was knocking me off of my game and I didn't like it.

"She not difficult. She's a fucking menace," I told him. There simply had to be another way.

"Correct." Ethan grinned, enjoying my pain. He was just as bad as his mate, Astrid. "You two are it. Astrid and I trust you with the life of our son and that is not something we do lightly."

"She blushes," I said.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Raquel blushes," I repeated.

Ethan busied himself with trying to piece together a statue that had been the victim of Raquel's wrath. He ignored my query.

"It's not normal," I went on.

"Nothing about my sister is normal. Nothing about her is typical and most of what I know about her defies logic. However, that's her story to tell. Not mine. Furthermore, you are both related by blood to my son and unfortunately the two of you are the most qualified to teach him what he needs to know," Ethan snapped as he tossed the statue into a wastebasket. "My child is six months old. He's the size of a four year old. He can turn people’s skin all colors of the rainbow, not to mention he can conjure Trolls and Gnomes." Ethan shuddered. "He's been kidnapped by Fairies and he needs to be trained to defend himself. Not sure how much clearer you need me to make this."

"Then let me teach him to fight and send her back to the rock she lives under," I shot back. "He doesn't need to know his multiplication tables to kill a Troll."

"And that is where you are wrong, my friend," Ethan said. "His mind is a wonder. We need to feed it and keep it occupied so he stops animating stuffed animals that have death wishes."

"You're joking."

"No, I'm not joking. Not even a little fucking bit," Ethan ground out. "Have you ever been attacked and almost decapitated by an army of orange and blue teddy bears?"

I was speechless.

"I thought not," Ethan said wearily. "Add to that a fire breathing purple plastic dragon and a dagger throwing headless doll. My son thinks this is funny."

"It actually is kind of funny."

The glare I received made me bite back the tasteless dragon joke that was on the tip of my tongue. Samuel was not just a Prince and the child of Astrid and Ethan. He was a True Immortal--one of nine. God was Good. Satan was Evil. Mother Nature was Emotion, her husband, the father of Satan was Wisdom. Hayden, the Angel of Death was Death. Elijah, the Angel of Light was Life. Dixie, Satan's daughter was Balance, her half-sister Lucy was Temptation. Astrid was Compassion and Samuel was Utopia--a combination of all of them. That kid had one Hell of a row to hoe.

"I knew this would be difficult," Ethan admitted, "but it is what it is. You will do this because I have asked you and you will do it well."

"Yes, I will, but I will not be responsible if your sister loses a few limbs."

There was no choice in the matter. I had no issue with training the child. I adored him and it was an honor to have been asked. However, getting along with the shrew was difficult at best and impossible at worst.

"As long as it's not her head then I'm fine with that. Just don't do it in front of my child," Ethan said. "Clear?"

"Clear."

It was a promise I didn't know if I could keep.

Chapter 2

"Me can't eat pie. Me a Vampyre just like you," Samuel explained to Raquel as I watched from my seat at the desk in Ethan's newly renovated office. I pretended to be absorbed in a folder filled with fighting techniques, but I was truly fighting to keep my eyes off of Raquel. She was a witch and I was determined to break the psychotic spell she had on me. Clearly screwing her out of my system wasn't working. I'd been doing that for two hundred years with no clear end in sight. My pants were killing me at the moment. Embarrassingly, not even Samuel's presence could quell my desire.

The furniture in the office had been replaced with finds from yard sales since we had destroyed a small fortune due to our skirmishes. The ragtag desks and chairs looked ridiculous in the grand office with the marble floors and cathedral ceilings, but it was a wise move on Ethan's part. We could not be trusted around priceless objects.

"It's not the kind of pie you eat," Raquel corrected him with a giggle and a kiss. "It's math. You can't eat math."

Why didn't she ever giggle at anything I said?
Where in the Hell did that come from?
I pressed my fingers to the bridge of my nose and went back to the paperwork in front of me. Astrid, my only and least favorite cousin at the moment, had decided Raquel and I would work with Samuel together. It would force us not to kill each other, or so she thought. She was wrong. I knew if need be I could distract Sammy with something shiny and dismember my foe in two seconds flat. The major problem with that scenario was the she could potentially do the same thing to me. I might outweigh and outmuscle her, but her rabid desire to maim couldn't be discounted.

She was dangerous to my concentration, my life and most definitely my libido.

"Do you remember what I told you about pi? What a big number it is?" she asked Samuel as she pointed to a passage in a book.

Sammy closed his eyes and slammed his chunky little hands over the numbers.

"The first fifty numbers in dethimal digits are 3.1415926535 8979323846 2643383279 5028841971 6939937510. Is me right?" he asked as he peeked under his hand.

"Um, yes," Raquel choked out. "How did you know that? We haven't learned that yet."

"Me debided some stuff in my head, silly Raquel." He laughed and pulled on her red curls as he popped his thumb into his mouth with satisfaction.

"Very good," she whispered as her eyes caught mine in shock.

Did this kid even need us? Well he needed me, but his brain was a sieve. Maybe Raquel could go back to her dungeon and leave me to work with Samuel.

"Looks like he's smarter that you," I said as I got ready to duck in case the textbook came flying.

"Looks like you're still an ass," she shot back.

"Ass ass ass ass ass ass ass," Sammy chimed in gleefully as Raquel closed her eyes and dropped her head to the table in defeat.

Damn it, that was my fault, not hers. She would not get in trouble for teaching him the word ass when I goaded her into it.

"Samuel, an ass is a donkey--an animal similar to a horse. Aunt Raquel was referring to me as a strong and masterful horse with all of the massive parts that a horse has. She has
hung
a great honor on my
head
. Do you understand?" I asked. My double entendre was not lost on my enemy as she bit back a laugh and pretended to throw up. Grinning, I shrugged and blew her a kiss. Furthermore, I was not in the mood to be chastised for expanding his swearing vocabulary. His mother, Astrid was doing just fine with that on her own.

Raquel rolled her eyes dramatically swallowed her grin. However, she said nothing. Astrid had threatened to remove tongues if her boy learned new
potty words
. I liked my tongue and God knew I liked hers.

"Yes, Sammy," she agreed with me. "Although Heathcliff is a donkey. Donkeys are much smaller than horses in every way. In fact many would call them puny—tiny, puny and inconsequential. Unable to satisfy the needs of anything."

"That no make sense," Sammy said as he looked at me strangely.

"Trust me, little man." Raquel laughed wickedly. "It makes perfect sense."

It was a tie. God, she was fun to spar with. I couldn't remember the last time a woman had challenged me both in and out of the bedroom. Only problem was that we despised each other outside of the bedroom. Well, she despised me...

"Let's get back to work, little man," she said as she cuddled him and opened a thin volume of poetry.

"Raquel," Sammy whispered as he captured her face in his small hands. "Me love you so much."

He covered her cheeks in wet kisses and I froze as I watched the adoration shine from her eyes. She was childlike in her delight—innocent and young. Something in my gut clenched and I didn't like it or want it. Raquel needed to stay inhuman to me. I couldn't deal with anything more than what I perceived and wanted her to be—if I did it might destroy me. She pressed her forehead to his and held him tight.

"You no have to sleep anymore," he told her. He traced the sprinkling of freckles on her nose with his little finger as she paled and gaped at him.

"What?" she asked softly.

"You can love and not sleep. It be okay. You have to trust, silly pretty auntie." He grinned as she shook her head in confusion.

What the Hell was going on here?

"Samuel, what are you talking about?" Her mood changed abruptly. She was tense and extremely uncomfortable.

"You know." He giggled and buried his face in her neck. "It be time to stop sleeping. Too dangerous now."

Her manner had altered dramatically. She went from vulnerable and scared to strong and somewhat cold. Putting Samuel in the chair beside her, she stood and paced. She stopped dead in her tracks as she saw me observing her.

"You're still here," she said with unhappy surprise.

"Never left," I replied wondering what had just happened.

Samuel watched with curiosity as she circled the room. He cocked his head to the side and winked at me.

"Heathcwiff be the one to wake you up," he said with conviction.

"No," Raquel barked as Samuel ignored her and giggled. "Enough, Sammy. We are done for today. Heathcliff, please return him to his parents."

With a mumbled goodbye she raced from the room.

Closing the folder, I sat for a brief moment and pondered how to go about getting the information I wanted. No sleeping? I would wake her? What the Hell did that mean? I slowly crossed the room to a very calm and composed Samuel. He looked quite pleased with himself. The puzzle was killing me.

"Would you like to tell me what that was about?" I asked as I squatted in front of the boy genius.

He raised his eyebrows and gave me a look so reminiscent of his father I had to bite back a laugh.

"Is not Sammy's story to tell," he said as he put his thumb back in his mouth and watched me with narrowed eyes.

"But you might save Raquel some time if you let me in on the secret," I said logically. How hard was it to pry something out of a six month old child? Apparently very hard...

"You try to be tricky, Heathcwiff," Sammy yelled gleefully. "You no get me! Me too smart for you!"

"That you are, my little man. That you are."

***

"If you stopped playing hide the salami with her, daring her to do stupid shit and actually got to know her you'd probably save us a lot of money in home furnishings," Astrid said as she pulled me toward the Grand Ballroom. "I hate these fucking cocktail parties. I can't drink anything and so many of these Vamps bore me to tears."

"I have no clue what you mean," I insisted as I picked up my pace and tried to drag her into the ballroom so the conversation would end.