A Fashionably Dead Christmas: Hot Damned Series, Book 5 (7 page)

“Wonder who is crying now
,” my beyond tone deaf uncle bellowed in a new and ear grinding key. The song was unrecognizable as music, but I knew Journey’s lyrics like I knew my ABC’s.

“I’m
crying
,” Ethan grumbled. “And I’m quite sure my ear drums are bleeding.”

“Shhhhhhh… ” I hushed him and pointed to my phone.

My mate’s grin was so evil and so sexy that I almost jumped his bones. However, getting busted by the Devil and my grandmother—not to mention my son and the baboon—didn’t really appeal.

“God, I love you,” he said as he gave me a kiss I felt down to my toes.

“What the Hell is that horrid noise,” Mother Nature asked groggily as she sat up and popped her fingers into her ears.

I pointed at Satan and then at my phone. She giggled and quietly clapped her delicate hands together.

“We can put it on YouTube and embarrass the five thousand dollar pants off of him,” she whispered with rabid excitement.

Her mothering skills left a tremendous amount to be desired, but it was a terrifyingly interesting idea. However, I was pretty sure I wasn’t brave enough to pull off that stunt. I enjoyed my undead life way too much to be executed by the Devil.

“
The wheel in the sky keeps on turning
,” Satan sang as he played an air guitar in his sleep.

“Oh shit no,” I blubbered as I wiped tears from my eyes. “He’s changed songs.”

“How can you even tell?” Mother Nature questioned as she cringed in mortification at her son’s total lack of talent. “You do realize if you video this we could make billions.”

The suggestion was truly tempting. I could give all the money to charity. We’d make Bill Gates look like a weenie. But again, I knew I probably wouldn’t live to see the fruits of my labor if I did it.

“No, we’ll keep this one in-house,” I said firmly. “I’d like to live to see my son grow up.”

“That could be tomorrow at the rate he’s growing,” Mother Nature said.

She was correct. My son was maturing at alarming rates. There were no instructional baby books for a half Demon-Half Vampyre baby that also happened to be a True Immortal. He’d grown to the size of a preschooler in less than eight months and his intellect rivaled an adult genius. At least he still wanted to cuddle with his mommy. I so wasn’t ready to give that up yet.

“I think it would be best if we put a sock in his mouth and we all tried to get a few hours sleep,” Ethan suggested.

“Fine idea,” Mother Nature agreed as she found a purple sock in her overnight bag and stuffed it in the Devil’s open mouth. “That should do it.”

She then gave her son—the same one that she’d suggest we humiliate worldwide—a loving kiss on the cheek as she smoothed his dark hair gently back from his face.

“He’s too damned good looking for his own good,” she muttered as she crawled back into her cot. “It’s probably a good thing he can’t sing. One shouldn’t be good at everything. It would make life quite boring.”

She yawned and curled into a ball.

“Night, Gigi,” I said as I grabbed Ethan’s hand and wondered how long it would take my grandmother to fall back asleep. I really wanted to suck face with my man.

“And PS,” Gigi added. “Making out is a bad idea.”

“Wait. What? You were snoring for God’s sake,” I blurted.

“Don’t take your Uncle’s name in vain,” she chastised with a chuckle. “He doesn’t like it. And I don’t snore.”

“Um… yes you do,” I told her. “Loudly.”

“Darling, I’m Mother Nature. I’m fucking perfect. The snoring is a ruse to see if anyone is talking behind my back—or goodness forbid—having sex in a public venue. Now go to sleep, darling. Tomorrow promises to be a clusterfuck.”

I feared she was correct—actually I knew she was correct.

I grabbed Ethan’s hand and closed my eyes. Tomorrow was coming whether I wanted it to or not. Christmas Day with my family would be rough. Christmas day with my family and me running on no sleep would be dangerous.

“I love you, Ethan,” I whispered.

“I love you more, Astrid,” he replied sleepily.

“Not possible,” I said so quietly, I was sure he missed it.

But it wasn’t possible. I had so much love stored up inside, I knew I was the winner. For me the sun rose and set on my mate and my son.

I glanced around the now horribly decorated room compliments of Satan and rolled my eyes.

Did the trappings matter? Well, kind of… at least the gorgeous tree was still intact and no one else had shown up early.

The baboon hadn’t clogged the toilet and Samuel was sucking his thumb contentedly.

My uncle’s muffled singing was barely audible and Gigi was snoring away again.

For the moment, my crazy family was nestled all snug in their… cots.

I giggled and let my head drop to my pillow. Then I counted my blessings—there were many—and fell asleep.

Chapter 7

“Holy plastic Baby Jesus in a manger from Target, will someone please tell me I’m dreaming?” I choked out.

I stared in shock at the rock star who was gagged and tied to a chair next to my Christmas tree. There was no way Santa had delivered a bound and gagged Steve Perry to my house during the few short hours I’d slept. Santa’s sleigh was supposed to be full of toys, not kidnap victims.

Whipping around, I zoned in on Satan. He was still fast asleep with a sock stuffed in his mouth. If he didn’t do this, who did?

“Shhhhhhh… Astrid,” Sloth whispered right next to my ear, scaring the Hell out of me. “Don’t wake Daddy up. It’s a surprise.”

Steve Perry didn’t look too happy about being the gift for the Devil… and who could blame him?

I rubbed my tired eyes and pinched myself to make sure I wasn’t still sleeping and having a heinous nightmare.

Nope, not sleeping. Six of the Seven Deadly Sins stood in my Great Room at the foot of my makeshift bed. Dressed to the nines and literally glowing with excitement, they waited for their father to wake up to his appalling gift.

Lust was absent as she was still incarcerated at Mother Nature’s abode. Her list of transgressions was huge, but her attempt to murder me was the topper that got her locked away.

“You can’t give the Devil someone like Steve Perry all trussed up and totally freaked out,” I snapped.

I eased myself off the cot and checked Steve Perry’s ropes to make sure they hadn’t cut off his circulation. All I needed to cap off my list of Christmas disasters was a dead rock star in my house.

“And why not?” Greed asked confused. “He’s here isn’t he?”

“Um… yes, he is. But this is totally wrong, not to mention illegal,” I said in an attempt to be reasonable.

“And your point about that would be?” Envy asked, perplexed.

Reasoning with the Deadly Sins was an exercise in futility. “My point is… Wait. How did you all get into the compound in the first place?” I knew it was locked down like Fort Knox.

“We broke in, silly,” Sloth said with an eye roll and a laugh. “It was easy.”

Fucking awesome. I was going to have a long talk with the guards later today.

As I loosened the bindings and pulled the gag from my unwilling guest’s mouth I leaned in. “I’ll get you out of here, Steve Perry,” I promised in a whisper.

“Thank you,” he replied in a hushed voice. “Just leave me tied up for the moment. I think it’s safer that way.”

I winked to show him I’d heard and stood back up. He was a smart man. Being chased down by my certifiable cousins could end very badly.

“Um… Astrid… I don’t mean to be rude,” Pride said diplomatically.

“Of course you do,” Gluttony corrected her.

“Oh my goodness, you’re right!” Pride said with a shrill giggle and a shrug. “So as I was saying… do you always wear a midriff sweater and men’s boxer briefs to bed? I mean I know you’re a hooker and all, I just didn’t realize you worked it at home.”

Slowly I glanced down at my attire and I wanted to melt into the floor. My ill-mannered ho-bag of a cousin was correct. I was showing bellybutton and my cinched cloth penis was on display for all to enjoy. My fucking dress had shrunk to the point of lewd. This would follow me for centuries.

“Actually… it’s my outfit for today’s festivities.”

I lied through my fangs and modeled it for them. I walked a grand circle as the gals gaped at me and my cinched underpants doubtfully.

“You know… I saw that outfit in Paris on the runway just last spring,” Steve Perry said as he gave me a covert wink. “How were you able to get it so soon? I hear it’s impossible to get your hands on that masterpiece.”

Journey’s front man was my new best friend. “I have connections,” I explained as the Sins began to hiss and whisper amongst themselves.

They were one enormous green-eyed monster and I was lovin’ it.

“Was it expensive?” Wrath demanded as she shoved her sisters out of the way and fingered the material of my sweater.

“Oh, you know. It costs what it costs. It’s Prada,” I said evenly as I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing. “Right off the model too. What do you think?”

“Son of a bitch,” Wrath spat as she turned on her sisters. “How did we not know about this trend?”

They argued with each other in voices that could wake the dead—and they did.

I grinned and gave the lead singer of Journey a thumbs up sign. The morning had started bizarrely, but it was looking up.

Rudely jerked out of slumber, my family stared in shock at the bound super star.

“Did Santa bwing me that?” Samuel asked as he pointed at Steve Perry.

“No. He did not.
That
is an ill-advised scheme of the douchecanoe Sins,” I told him. “Your presents are under the tree, baby.”

Blobbityflonk rose and had what I would safely call an epic shit-fit. His body shook violently and his eyes rolled back in his head. The pained shriek that flew from his lips halted all the bickering in the room.

He frantically ran to Steve Perry and began chewing through the ropes.

I was fairly sure Steve Perry would sue if he didn’t have a heart attack first.

“My God,” Ethan shouted as he sprinted across the room. “Is the baboon eating Steve Perry?”

“Nooooo… don’t let him eat Steve Perry,” Satan screamed as he got tangled in his bedding and hit the floor with a resounding thud. “He’s my hero.”

Satan’s fall sent Mother Nature flying off her cot and into the Christmas tree. Balls and tinsel flew willy-nilly. The baboon and Steve Perry got showered in red and green.

Gigi wasn’t a welcome or pleased ornament. Her purple panty clad ass and slippered feet were all that showed as her head and upper body were lodged mid-tree.

Her squeal of displeasure sent a minor earthquake through the room and my collection of porcelain Baby Jesuses went crashing to the floor in response.

“Motherfucker,” I yelled as I realized no amount of glue was going to fix the fourteen Baby Jesuses I’d collected. “You idiots broke my Baby Jesuses. What the Hell kind of people are you?”

“Blobbityflonk no eat the long hair man,” Samuel shouted above the din. “He save him!”

I sure as shit hoped my child was right. I wanted to keep the baboon, but if he habitually ate rock stars there would be a problem.

“Kidnapping singers, breaking my shit, and throwing grandmas into Christmas trees is not working for me,” I bellowed as the entire upper half of my body burst out in glittering flames.

The Sins dove for cover taking the Nutcracker with an erection down violently in the process. His head rolled underfoot of the now standing Satan, who freaked and then took a dive into the thankfully unlit fireplace.

The stockings that I’d stupidly hung with care were ripped right out of the garland. They fell onto poor Steve Perry, who was now blinded by socks and hanging on by a thread.

Ethan approached me carefully and placed a calming hand on my smoldering shoulder. Thankfully, he was mostly immune to my magic since we were mated—although he was sure to have a nasty burn for his bravery. For his sake, I tried my best to reel in my reaction.

“It’s okay, Astrid. Pull back your power, my love,” he said in a soothing tone.

I met his eyes and nodded. I didn’t want Samuel’s memory of his first Christmas to be of his mother blowing up the compound.

“You’re right,” I said.

With great effort I let my fury go and the flames receded with it. Poor Steve Perry looked like his eyes were going to bug out. We would have to do a major memory wipe on the dude or he’d end up institutionalized.

Okay. So I wasn’t going to burn the house down, but I also wasn’t going to stand for any more of my shit being destroyed.