A Flower’s Shade (22 page)

Xiaoyun's reaction was intense, he looked numbly at the pipe and again something was kindled and reawakened in his memory. Miss Yu's intention had been to reconcile with him, and he also wanted to make a positive gesture towards Miss Yu, but the lost memory had burst forth again, inopportunely. It was like being stung by something, he was suddenly numb, he just stared at her like he didn't know her at all. An illusion again appeared in his mind's eye. Miss Yu had become a plump, voluptuous woman, a voluptuous woman motioning to him maliciously, with his brother-in-law Naixiang standing by, grinning sardonically.

Miss Yu looked at Xiaoyun in astonishment, not understanding what had brought about the change. "What, you won't do this for me?" Miss Yu said casually, not daring to continue, because Xiaoyun was trembling like a malaria patient. Suddenly, he said impulsively, "For you? Why should I serve you, prepare the opium for you? I'm not your houseboy, stop thinking that everyone is the houseboy for your Zhens, that everybody has to serve you!"

Miss Yu sat up, thoroughly mystified and completely astonished. Carefully she asked him, "What's the matter with you?"

Xiaoyun became aware that he was behaving strangely, the voluptuous woman disappeared, Miss Yu was staring at him, her eyes wide in utter confusion. Xiaoyun knew he had gone too far. He could admit that Miss Yu was actually a very nice girl, and that he shouldn't treat her like this. Miss Yu had always revealed her feelings to him in good faith; she was like a fireball, ablaze. "You think everyone should serve you, don't you?" he said, smiling, in order to cover his disquiet. But Miss Yu was annoyed, for though she knew that there was no point in taking Xiaoyun too seriously, he had made her quite angry. Xiaoyun was too moody, always sulking about something, Miss Yu couldn't make heads or tails of his behavior; an unending enigma. She struck a match, lit the opium lamp, and scooped some opium out of the box with the needle, vaporizing the pill herself. It isn't that easy to vaporize an opium pill, and Miss Yu was not very practiced at this skill. She only did it because she was cross with Xiaoyun.

To make peace, Xiaoyun leaned over to grab the needle from Miss Yu's hands and vaporize the pill for her. He threw Miss Yu's pill back into the opium box, and skillfully stirred it up again; it was obvious that he was an old hand at all this. There was something feminine about his fingers, spinning with dazzling rapidity, and with the movements that amazed Miss Yu with their sureness. "Why are you so good at preparing opium?" Miss Yu gasped in admiration. Xiaoyun's look of forbearance had vanished entirely. Miss Yu saw his hand suddenly stop. He dug out an opium pill, vaporized it over the lamp, deftly forming it, before finally placing the pill in the pipe bowl.

Miss Yu lifted the pipe and this time she didn't ask anyone to exhale it for her, she smoked directly from the pipe. "Why do you always act like you're dead set against me, always fighting with me for no reason." Miss Yu's looked bewildered as she slowly exhaled the smoke, saying rather sorrowfully, "What's the matter with the two of us?"

D
espite Suqin's best efforts, she could not convince Ai'ai that her feelings towards her hadn't changed. Ai'ai didn't believe what she was told, she believed her eyes. Ai'ai had already seen the last thing she had wanted to see, her heart was all but broken, and regardless of what Suqin said, Ai'ai felt sure that she was being deceived. Ai'ai had already given all her woman's love to Suqin; she had already given her everything she had. A woman who has given everything she has to live cannot accept the treachery of others. Because they came out of her true love, she didn't feel that there was anything sinful about the relations between her and Suqin. At the beginning, it was perhaps only a game, but when Suqin revealed the kind of lust that only a man should have, Ai'ai had felt only curiosity. But the power of curiosity was much stronger than the strength to reject. She didn't understand what could happen all because a woman slept with another woman on the same bed. She sank deeper and deeper into this game, and in the end could not pull herself back out again.

After Naixiang had become an invalid, the responsibility of his care had rather inexplicably fallen to her. On that day, Old Master Zhen, had come in a fluster to Naixiang's room, seen his son already wearing his expression of complete idiocy, and had convoked all the wives and concubines to lecture them. With his son already in this condition, the question of who would care for him was a question in need of an immediate and effective plan. Not one of the concubines, typically so scheming and garrulous, dared say a word; they had all become mute. Then Suqin said, angrily, "When my husband was healthy, you all tried to get a hold of him by hook or by crook, you practically ate him alive. And now not one of you will open her mouth."

Old Master Zhen said, "Whoever takes on the responsibility of caring for Naixiang will be treated well."

Despite the reward, no valiant heroine took up the challenge. Old Master Zhen looked at his son's gorgeous women, each of them trying to conceal herself behind another, and angrily shook his head. In terms of desire, father and son were cast from the same mold, but the father was not particularly given to idle tenderness towards women. He scowled, looked at each of Naixiang's concubines in turn with the naked gaze of an older man, savoring each of these extraordinary women. He waited a moment, but since still no one had volunteered, he said impatiently to Suqin, "You head the household now, in any event you have to be involved. So you're one, and who else will do it besides is something I want you to determine right now.

And that's how it came to be Ai'ai. At the time, Ai'ai still resembled a child, and she hadn't really understood how she had been selected. Old Master Zhen said, "If you marry a rooster, you must be prepared to play the hen. They all say it should be you, so it's you." After that, a renowned acupuncturist came on the first or the fifteenth of every month, regardless of wind and weather. The fifteen years had passed quickly, and in all those years of acupuncture had not improved Naixiang's illness at all, but nor had the illness deteriorated. The acupuncturist was convinced that using golden needles would produce miraculous results, and he laid out a whole theory of "meridian dredging" , suggesting that Naixiang should be taken around in his wheelchair everyday. The wooden wheelchair had been custom-built, and pushing Naixiang around the Estate had become Ai'ai's daily task. Naixiang had become a living corpse, and taking care of him had been an unpleasant task from the very beginning.

At the beginning all the dirty work was undertaken by a tall, solid maidservant. Later, when a clandestine relationship had developed between Ai'ai and Suqin, they grew worried that their relationship would become known, and had to dismiss the maidservant, since she knew all about it. They decided on new rules, namely that none of the maidservants were allowed to enter their sleeping quarters without permission. In order to deceive people, they slept every day in the same room as Naixiang. They gave the impression that they were taking good care of Naixiang, and in this manner they concealed the pleasures they were taking under his very nose.

Their first attempt at an exploration imprinted itself deep on Ai'ai's memory. That night, when everyone had been asleep, Suqin had told her without reservations about her own sexual feelings, and told her about her disgust for men. And then, with an extraordinary solemnity, she had asked Ai'ai for a detailed account of how Naixiang had deflowered her. Suqin had heard that Naixiang had a special aphrodisiac which he used for young girls, which could be used externally or taken orally. Apparently, after taking this aphrodisiac, girls could accommodate men just like adult women. However, Ai'ai's own experience put this inaccurate legend to rest. She sighed and told Suqin that she had kept bleeding, and that even the supposedly special recipe of coxcomb juice had failed to have any effect at all.

"Men are all bad to the core!" This was how they both complained about their only man, Naixiang. Their abhorrence of this same man made them into co-conspirators. As they jointly cursed men they taught themselves to try a kind of pleasure that did not required men. In the beginning their attempts were bashful, but quickly they discovered that there was actually endless pleasure in it. When the sun rose, they were sleeping together in each other's arms.

Because of the special feelings she had for Suqin, Ai'ai didn't feel the monotony of life on the Estate, how dull it was, how hard to endure. Ai'ai's mother had returned to the Estate a mere month after she was born to continue her work as maidservant. The utmost care and attention that Suqin showed for Ai'ai made her feel like she was now experience a mother's love for the first time, a mother's love that had only ever existed before in her imagination. Suqin provided Ai'ai with a world of illusions, and she half-consciously associated her with a gentle and tender aunt of hers in the countryside. In Ai'ai's memory this aunt and Suqin would often fold together into one person. The aunt's husband, being something of a sneak, had failed to make anything of himself, and the whole family looked down on him. Ai'ai's aunt often came to help them with the washing, or to do some needlework. The aunt had always been a particular favorite of Ai'ai.

In the village, Ai'ai had slept in the same bed with her three sisters, one older and two younger than herself. One night, the four sisters were woken by unusual sounds. In the moonlight, Ai'ai had seen her aunt lying naked, looking like a corpse, on her father's bed, while her father viciously did something to her. What surprised Ai'ai was that because her father was screaming so loudly; her sister, who was three years older, as well as the two younger girls, who were twins and had just learnt to walk, had all opened wide their uncomprehending eyes and stared at what was going on in front of them. In the end their aunt had gotten off the bed and stood on the ground, dressing herself in fits and starts as she wept. When she was dressed, their aunt rubbed her eyes, and watched her father scooping some rice out of the vat, filling a bag half-full. Her aunt had left with the rice. Ai'ai didn't understand too well why she had been crying, but she felt deeply sorry for her. Her aunt's naked body had been very beautiful, and later when Ai'ai saw her she could never help thinking of how she had looked undressed.

X
iaoyun was once again playing with the birds beneath the eaves, still with his look of idleness. Suqin was standing by, talking to him while she stole a glance at Ai'ai. Ai'ai was sitting by the door, knitting. She looked depressed and every now and then her attention wandered. Not far away from her, Naixiang had been left like an abandoned puppet. The weather was getting hotter, and early summer had arrived, and with it the tireless calls of the cicadas.

Suqin was a bit irritated, and she advised Xiaoyun, "Xiaoyun, don't be a dreamer. Don't do anything foolish like that again." Xiaoyun, ignoring her, continued to play with the birds. Suqin was aware of his liaison with Miss Yu, but it didn't matter to him, he didn't care at all whether she knew or not. "What about it? I've done it now, so it doesn't make any difference whether I do it again or not." He wasn't even willing to glance at Suqin. He just talked while he fed the little bird.

Suqin's heart was filled with dread. A sense of foreboding nagged at her. She knew that Xiaoyun and Miss Yu were playing with fire, and sooner or later the fire would destroy something. There were serious flaws in Xiaoyun's character, and if he continued in this way, something horrible was sure to happen. Suqin knew that an insurmountable obstacle existed between Xiaoyun and Miss Yu. Since it had gone this far, Suqin was obliged to remind Xiaoyun of the gravity of the matter. "Remember this, Xiaoyun, not one of these Zhens is a good person. Suqin watched Xiaoyun, who was still ignoring her, and wished she could rush up to him and grab him by the ear. "Don't forget about the past. Have you really forgotten all about the past?"

"Of course I haven't forgotten." It was evident that Xiaoyun was not willing to discuss the past. He shot Ai'ai glance and then let his gaze fall again on Naixiang. He sneered, "Who says I've forgotten? What are you worried about? But really, she's not the same as him, they're different."

Suqin said, "What's different about them? She's just toying with you. You really think the daughter of a house like this would take a fancy to you?"

"Whether she has or not." Xiaoyun answered, no longer playing with the birds anymore—he had moved away from the birdcage and was walking up to Ai'ai, feigning indifference, "If she can toy with me, why shouldn't I toy with her? Besides, it may be that she has taken a fancy to me, but maybe I haven't taken a fancy to her."

Suqin knew that Xiaoyun wasn't being entirely honest with her. Ai'ai bowed her head, burying herself in her knitting, while Suqin looked at her appealingly. Ai'ai noticed Suqin's gaze and deliberately turned her head to ignore her. Suqin understood that she was out of sorts, but she just smiled at Xiaoyun and said, "If you really like her, then fine, then just go ahead and marry her. If you marry her, then the whole Zhen Estate will belong to you. It's an opportunity many would give their right arm for. Actually, it has nothing to do with whether you like her or not, why did I even say such a silly thing? If you can be their son-in-law, then why wouldn't you go ahead and do it? Isn't that right, Ai'ai?" Ai'ai made no response. Xiaoyun said, "Not necessarily. Maybe I really do like her, after all." Suqin's eyes were still fixed on Ai'ai, and she smiled and said, "So I spoke the truth indeed, it seems. So you have taken a fancy to her." Ever since Ai'ai had discovered what had passed between Suqin and Liangzhong, she had been ignoring Suqin. No matter how Suqin beamed at her, she answered her with icy coldness. When Suqin had finished speaking, there was a short silence, and then Ai'ai suddenly said, "Master Xiaoyun, when will you be marrying into the Estate, then?" Her words were obviously cutting, and both Suqin and Xiaoyun were caught short.

"I wouldn't marry her just like that." Xiaoyun became flustered. "I can't deceive her; I won't. I, Yuan Xiaoyun, wouldn't do such a thing. If I really wanted to marry her, then I would tell her everything."