A Forbidden Rumspringa (Gay Amish Romance Book 1) (22 page)

“I’m sorry.” Isaac wanted to reach out to his brother and soothe him, but it wouldn’t do any good.

Ephraim roughly ran a hand through his sandy curls. “And I don’t know what Hannah told them, but I barely touched her.”

“You know you aren’t supposed to be dating girls at all yet, let alone kissing them. Couldn’t you have just waited a little while longer? It’s only two months until you’re seventeen. Then you’re allowed.” But Isaac knew he was a hypocrite.

“Of course you’d say that!” Ephraim rounded on him. “My saintly brother. You never do anything wrong. You can take out all the girls you want, but you still don’t. So pious and perfect,” he spat.

“I’m not perfect, Ephraim. Not even close.” He stepped in Ephraim’s path and whispered, “I’ve broken the Ordnung too.”

“No way,” Ephraim scoffed. “
You
? What could you have done?” But he stopped pacing, and waited with obvious interest.

With a finger to his lips, Isaac crept over to the door. When he jerked it open, Nathan tumbled into him.

Nathan righted himself, pimply cheeks ruddy. “I’m not some little kid. I’m almost done school. I want to hear!”

“Go back to Katie’s room until I come get you. Ephraim and I need to talk. You are too a kid, and no kids allowed!” He closed the door again, listening to Nathan’s huffs and retreating stomps.

Ephraim was still waiting with keen interest. “What could you have done?”

I sucked a man’s cock in my mouth. I fucked a man, and let him fuck me. I loved every second of it, and I want
more.
“I watched a movie. I did worldly things.”

Ephraim’s eyebrows shot up. “Really?”

“I’m not as perfect as you think.”
Not even close.

“But you didn’t get caught.” Ephraim’s anger seemed to be burning itself out, and he slumped onto the side of the bed he shared with Joseph. “We didn’t think anyone would find the bottle. I guess we left the burned-out cigarettes too. Have you ever smoked?”

Isaac shook his head and sat beside him.

“I hardly even finished one. It was pretty gross. I just…Isaac, don’t you feel trapped here sometimes?”

“I didn’t really think about it much before.” Isaac pulled a loose thread from the cuff of his navy shirt. “But lately I’ve been more…curious.”

“I know what happened in Red Hills was terrible. Doing drugs and all that. But the more they try to keep us away from the world, the more I want to see it.” He laughed ruefully. “If cigarettes and alcohol are anything to go by, it’s not all that exciting. My head hurt something fierce this morning.”

“You like working on the farm, don’t you? You’re good at it. Better than I ever was. You have a way with the cows. I always thought you’d be happy with a farm of your own.”

“I would be. But that’s years away, Isaac! Boys in Red Hills got their own buggies when they were sixteen more often than not. But here in Zebulon living these older ways, hardly anyone has enough money. You’re eighteen and you don’t have your own buggy yet. You have to get one first. You have to do
everything
first. I’m already sick of waiting. I want a farm of my own.” He flung out his hand. “A
bed
of my own. I sure wouldn’t mind sharing it with a wife, but not my brother.”

Isaac grimaced. “I know how you feel.” Of course he didn’t want to share with a
wife
, and his imagination spun wildly with thoughts of David—both of them naked, skin slick, flesh fevered as they came together in a proper bed with hands and mouths and bodies. Nestled there together afterwards under a quilt, safe in each other’s arms, he would listen to David’s breathing—

“Isaac?”

He blinked. “Uh-huh?”

“Can I tell you a secret?” Ephraim whispered.

Isaac nodded.

“I don’t think I want to stay in Zebulon.”

He took this in. “Where do you want to go? Into the world?” Isaac felt sick at the thought of losing another brother.

“Maybe? I don’t know. I just want to see what’s out there. I feel so closed in here. I love farming. But I hate all the rules. I hate how controlled we are. Not even just the youngies—the adults too. Does God really care how wide the brims of our hats are? Or whether a girl’s dress goes to her shins or the tops of her shoes? The rules are different everywhere. How does it work? When you really think about it, none of it makes any sense. There are so many English people out there. Are they all going to hell?”

“I don’t know.” Isaac rubbed his face. “I don’t know anything anymore.”

“So…it’s not just me?” Ephraim’s eyes lit up. “Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one with questions.”

“It’s not just you. Believe me.”

Ephraim sighed. “There’s no point even talking about it with Mother and Father. You heard him tonight. We can’t even ask questions. I feel like it’s all or nothing. When I was little, I didn’t understand why Aaron left. I do now.”

“Me too.” Isaac couldn’t remember ever hearing his brother sound so…grownup. “I’m sorry we haven’t talked more. I’ve been wrapped up in myself.”
And David.
“I wish we could ask more questions, and talk to Mother and Father about how we feel, but…”

“It won’t do any good.” Ephraim ran his hands over his thighs. “I’ve been thinking. I’ll stay for another year or so. See what it’s like once I can go to the singings and date. I can’t leave Father with all the farm work. I have to wait at least until Nathan is finished school.”

Isaac’s throat was dry. “And then?”

“I don’t even know if I want to live in the world. But I’ll go back to Red Hills, maybe? Abigail or Hannah would let me stay, I’m sure. Or I could go somewhere else in Ohio. Or Indiana, since those blue bloods in Pennsylvania would look down their noses at me. Maybe I could stay in Minnesota—in one of the settlements in Polk County. We were lucky Father found a dairy nearby willing to pick up our milk. There are farms down there that work with the English and do really well. They’re not so strict as we are, but they’re still Amish. I could try it out. I’m a good worker. I don’t have any money, but if I go to another Amish town, they’ll help me as long as I haven’t followed church here. I could see what it’s like somewhere else and figure things out.”

“You’ve really thought about this.”

“More and more lately. Don’t you think about the future?”

“Sometimes.”
It’s impossible to have the life I want.

The door burst open, and Nathan stomped in, followed by Joseph. Nathan went to his storage chest and flung up the lid. “It’s bed time, and this is
our
room too.”

Joseph went about his business, not appearing too fussed. Isaac hesitantly patted Ephraim’s leg. “We can talk more later. Whenever you want, okay?”

A small smile lifted Ephraim’s lips. “Okay.”

Before long, the lamp was out and they were all in bed, Nathan snoring almost as soon as his head hit the pillow. Isaac stewed as the rattling racket grew, finally jabbing Nathan in the side to get him to roll over. Staring at the black square of darkness of the window in the temporary peace, Isaac tried to imagine his future.

Where his mind had always been a curious blank when it came to living in his own house, now he could envision it so clearly—a welcoming kitchen, and twin rocking chairs by the fire in the living room. A cozy bed upstairs where he’d eagerly retire each night to a warm embrace. No wife by his side, but his David.

Throat tight, Isaac squeezed his eyes shut, wishing he could unsee this future that could never be.

“David, can you take this pie to Eli Helmuth’s this afternoon? He’s been under the weather.” At the kitchen counter, Mrs. Lantz wrapped the pie plate in a cloth as a log in the stove hissed and crackled.

With a glance at Isaac, David swallowed his forkful of pot pie. “I can’t. Isaac and I have to go to town for new tools. Didn’t I mention it?”

Across the kitchen table, Anna piped up. “Nope.”

It was the first Isaac had heard of it, but he stayed silent and finished his last bite of flaky pastry.

Mrs. Lantz waved her hand. “Perhaps you did. I’m so forgetful lately. It’s all right, dear. I’ll take it to him myself.” Smiling, she went about stacking the pots and pans before picking up the pail and disappearing out the side door to the well.

Anna smirked. “She was hoping you’d say no, David.”

“Why?” David frowned.

Glaring at her sister, Mary snatched up some dishes from the table. “
Anna
. That’s enough.”

“What?” Anna grinned mischievously. “You know it’s true.”

Isaac watched the exchange silently, gaze darting back and forth between the players. David was tense beside him.

“What’s true?” David asked.

Anna leaned across the table and lowered her voice. “Mother has the hots for Eli Helmuth.”

“Anna!” The dishes rattled as Mary dumped them on the counter. “Where did you hear such language?” Sighing, she addressed Isaac. “Please excuse my sister.”

“I’m sure Isaac can handle it, Mary.” Anna rolled her eyes. “He’s heard worse, I imagine.”

“Not in our home he hasn’t.” Mary could barely get the words out through her clenched jaw.

“It’s all right. Really,” Isaac held up his hands. “I should go back to work and let you all…talk.” He stood up.

“Girls, that’s enough.” David’s tone brooked no argument. “Anna, I’m sure Mother is only showing a neighborly interest in Mr. Helmuth.”

Anna pressed her lips together. “She’s widowed, not dead. Why shouldn’t she show any kind of interest she wants in Eli Helmuth? He’s alone now too. There’s nothing wrong with it.”

“Of course there isn’t,” David agreed. “But you shouldn’t talk like that, Anna. You know it isn’t right. If Mother heard you—”

The kitchen door swung open with a frigid blast of air, and they all spun to see Mrs. Lantz in the doorway, water sloshing over the pail. She blinked. “Why do you all look so guilty?”

“Nothing!” they chirped in unison.

Mrs. Lantz raised an eyebrow. “Mmm-hmm. All right then, there’s work to be done. You boys should go now so you’re back before dark.”

“Yes, Mother.” David grabbed a cookie from the cooling rack on the counter, tossing another to Isaac.

Chuckling, she wiped her hands on her apron. “Off with you, then. Isaac, keep him out of trouble. He drives that buggy too fast.”

“I will!” Isaac waved and hurried after David to gather their coats and hats.

He and David didn’t speak until they were driving toward the county road. Snow banks lined the lane in heaps where it had been shoveled away.

David sighed. “I hate being like that with the girls. But with Father gone, I feel like I have to try to do what he would have done.”

“Of course.” Isaac stroked David’s thigh with his gloved hand before he knew what he was doing. He whipped his hand back. “Sorry.”

David glanced around as Kaffi clomped onto the road, the buggy creaking. “I’m not. Come closer.”

Heart skipping, Isaac slid over until their hips and shoulders touched.

“I know we said we wouldn’t, but I thought…it’s just for a few hours. We’ve been so good. We deserve an afternoon. No one will know. What do you think? If you don’t want to, we can—”

“I want to.” Isaac gripped David’s hand, the leather of their gloves squeaking together. “Lord, I’ve missed you. We’ll be careful.” He knew it was irresponsible. Stupid, even. But sitting close to David and feeling the heat of his body, Isaac couldn’t bring himself to care.

“You have no idea how much I’ve missed you.” David glanced at him. “How much I want to kiss you again.” He looked back at the road. “It’s torture, Isaac.”

“We’ll be careful,” Isaac repeated. He returned his hand to David’s strong thigh, wishing it was bare skin he caressed.

David nodded vigorously. “We will. We’ll make sure we’re alone. That no one can catch us this time. We were reckless before. We won’t let it happen again. But every so often, we can sneak away, and they’ll never know.”

Isaac heard an approaching car and slid across the bench, snatching his hand from David’s leg. “We’ll make it work.” He smiled, feeling happier than he had in weeks. “Do you really think your mother likes Eli Helmuth?”

David huffed out a laugh. “I don’t know what to think. It never even crossed my mind.”

“Would it bother you?”

David reined in Kaffi as they came to a stop sign. He looked both ways and got Kaffi moving again. “I guess not. It’s strange to think of her with anyone but my father. But I want her to be happy. She deserves it.”

It occurred to Isaac that if Mrs. Lantz remarried, David wouldn’t be responsible for his family anymore. Of course bringing old Eli a pie was a far cry from getting married. Still…

“Anna’s rarely wrong when it comes to things like this. We have to be extra careful around her. She has a sharp mind, and a sharper tongue. It feels like she’s growing up very fast all of a sudden.”

“Same with Ephraim. Did you hear about the party he and his friends had? Drinking and smoking?”

David huffed out a laugh. “Of course. Mrs. Kauffman—Josiah’s Rebecca—dropped by on some made-up errand to tell Mother the news. How’s Ephraim?”

“Angry. Frustrated. He was talking about leaving next year.”