A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Sexual Orientation (25 page)

"Problems?” he asked softly.

I don't think I knew another human being I could have had this conversation with. Yes, I had problems, only I had never admitted them before. My defenses had stopped that from happening for years, and now I was being confronted by the absolute worst thing a human can be confronted with—himself.

The cards were all on the table. Only the truths of the hand dealt to me from birth were there to be read. No more cunning bluffs. No more lies.

"I never did apologize to you the other day when I said all those things about gays. You were right. I was—am—ignorant, and I've been very cruel to you, even tonight. I'm sorry."

He started to say something, but I raised my hand to let him know I wasn't done. If I didn't say these things now, I might never.

"I also lied to you that first night about having slept with all those women. The only naked women I've ever seen were back in grade school in
National Geographic
and they were spreading the wings of insects they were going to eat for a snack, not their legs for me to pleasure myself in. I've never had sex ... with a partner, anyway. I wouldn't even know how to attract someone."

"You wouldn't know how?” Jordan looked at me as if I'd spoken gibberish. “Excuse me? That boy, Nate, really liked you tonight. I feel sorry for him, because he's going to be taking cold showers for the next month."

"Please, don't ... don't joke right now.” I fought back a pain in the pit of my stomach. “There's something else I have to tell you. God, this ... I don't know how ... I've been lying to myself for a long time now. I think I just finally ran out of ways to justify my efforts to keep myself quiet.” Tears welled up in my eyes. “It's supposed to be wrong, morally and religiously, yet I can't quote scripture supporting that argument to save my life. It's supposed to be a choice, yet I know it's not a choice."

I looked past Jordan—through him, maybe, and into my past. “It couldn't be, not with what I know and how I feel, how I've never stopped feeling it.

"The only conscious choice I made,” I continued, “was to do absolutely nothing about it. It was never safe to confront myself before, and it's not now, but it's who I really am. When I was slow-dancing with Nate tonight..."

Jordan's gaze dropped for a moment, and I knew he was expecting me to tell him that I'd felt something for my dance partner.

"...the only arms I wanted to be in were yours."

His eyes rose up and met mine.

"I wanted so badly for you to be jealous when I was with Nate that I became someone I didn't like. I didn't have the courage to tell you how I'd started to feel. How could I? I never even had the courage to admit to myself that..."

Here it was at long last.

"I'm gay.” It felt both terrifying and liberating to say, so I said it again. “I'm gay."

"Come here.” Jordan moved closer and gave me a hug.

Perhaps it was the simplest form of expression in the world, but it made all the difference in my world right then. The tears I'd been holding back began to flow, and I was soon sobbing like someone who's just had the weight of the world lifted from his shoulders.

"I want you to know that I understand how you feel right now. You've taken a big step in life. and the first is always the hardest.” He held me tighter. I didn't care if he talked or not because I felt safe for the moment, safer than I'd ever felt before. “It's going to be okay.

"I've known my entire life that I'm gay,” he continued and shuddered, no doubt remembering his own ghosts. “I never told anybody. It felt so natural for me that I never really thought to tell anyone.

"When I got into high school and saw how people who felt like I did were treated, I decided I couldn't stay quiet anymore. It wasn't fair, but I was too naive to realize that it was never
going
to be fair. I sat both my parents down one night not long after and told them the truth about what I am ... about
who
I am."

"What happened?” I was finally calming down enough to talk without making all sorts of strange noises. “What did they say?"

I looked at him through blurred eyes. Had they hurt him? Disowned him? It must have been bad for him to leave and not go back or ask for help when things got rough.

"It's not important because this isn't about me. It's about you. I just want you to know that you aren't alone and that things will work out."

If there was any pain in his past, not a single trace of it showed in his expression, at least that I could see. He wasn't going to tell me—if there was anything to tell at all.

"Now I want to ask you something."

I didn't know what he could possibly have to ask. There was nothing left of my life that was much of a secret, and even if there was, I doubt I could take the stress of unearthing any more of my ghosts tonight.

"What you said about dancing with Nate and all? Maybe you're going to think I'm a little arrogant, but you've been hot for me from the start, right? You were just playing hard to get?"

"What?” I pushed him away from me. A little arrogant? “I go through one of the most traumatic experiences of my life...” I took a step towards him, and he took a step back. “...and all you can think of is whether or not I'm
hot
for you?” We repeated the step thing again. “I bare my
soul
to you, and all you can wonder is if I've been playing
hard to get
?"

"No.” He took one more step back. “I also wondered if I'd get a chance to see that ass of yours that seems to have impressed so many people.” He wiggled his eyebrows up and down several times. “Does that count?"

"You are so dead!"
I started for him, and he bolted out of the room.

Jordan didn't have much of a head start, so I ended up easily cornering him in the living room. The infuriating part of this was that he was fast, much faster than I was. Just when I thought he couldn't escape, he made a mad dash for the hallway and to the bedroom at the end of it. While it was a clear shot for him, the couch blocked my way. I wasn't about to let that stop me, however. I used it to my advantage and, yelling a war cry, simply launched myself off the end of it and tackled him before he made it to safety.

He was too stunned to resist when I rolled him over and held his hands down. I was just starting to gloat when he recovered, brought his legs up and knocked me off-balance. Next thing I knew, we were rolling around trying to see which one of us could get the upper hand.

It wasn't much of a struggle because by this time we were both laughing too hard to put up much of a fight. We ended up in the same position we had been in at the beach, his arms wrapped tightly around my neck, only there wasn't any water under us. Jordan didn't have to worry about being dunked, and I didn't have to worry about keeping his head up as well as my own.

Maybe he planned it this way, but my strength was about gone and I had to lower myself before I collapsed. I didn't want his head to bounce on the ground, so I went down slowly and gently. I expected him to release me once he was safely flat on the floor and then let me fall to the side. That didn't happen, though, and I ended up directly on top of him.

My chest was on his, and I could feel the heat of his body. Something stirred inside me; my heart skipped a few beats then sped up. I looked down at him then, my face surely echoing my mass confusion, and closed my eyes.

A few seconds passed, but it felt like an eternity. It wasn't because it was awkward; rather, it was because I was taking everything in that I possibly could about him—the heat from his body, the smell of his cologne, the feel of his breath on my face. My heart was pounding so hard I thought it was going to come right out of my chest.

I was about to rest my chin on his shoulder, to be that much closer to him, when he let go from around my neck.

"We've been here before,” he whispered.

"Not like this.” I knew what he was doing, but I didn't want it to end. After all the grief I'd given him, and even after I'd told him that I was gay, he was still giving me a way out. If only I could get up the nerve to do what I wanted to. “Not like this,” I repeated and opened my eyes.

"Maybe we should get up, and I'll make us some popcorn or..."

"Why don't you shut up.” It was now or never! I lowered my head and very lightly touched my lips to his. It was his turn to have the bulging-eye look, and he didn't seem in any hurry to return the gesture. Why?

"Please ... you don't have to do that. You don't owe me anything,” he assured me. “I don't want you doing this for the wrong reasons."

"Jordan.” I sighed. “I've been thinking about this since I first met you. I was just too stupid to admit and act on it."

He tried to say something else, but I put a finger on his lips.

"It's very difficult for me to admit to someone how I feel inside, how I really feel. Remember that whole safe-bet thing? So, please, don't give me a hard time when I tell you that I'm trying to meet you halfway. You've shared so much with me, and I've shared so little. Let me do this not because I feel I have to, but because I want to."

"Okay."

"Do you still feel the same way about me, like you did on the night we met?” I could feel his own heart racing, and it made me feel a little better to know I wasn't in this alone. I also felt something else, so I was sure this was one of those safe-bet things I liked so much.

"Uh...” Jordan suddenly seemed to be having a difficult time concentrating on what I was saying. “You're teasing me, aren't you? I mean, this time you're really teasing ... as a payback for what I said to you in the kitchen, right? If this is some kind of a joke..."

"I don't really know what I'm supposed to do or what I'm supposed to be thinking about doing.” I sat up and looked down at him. “If the incident in the bathroom at the club tonight is any indication, we could be in real trouble. All I do know, all I feel, is that I want to be with you. I want this. How about you?"

"Bathroom?"

I gave him a look that told him it was a story for another time.

"Well.” The sparkle slowly began to return to his eyes. “I don't think you have to worry about my intentions because, whatever happens, I'm sure you won't be needing this."

He reached up and helped me out of my T-shirt. The little tease just couldn't resist letting his fingertips slide gently down my chest, making me tremble almost uncontrollably. Nobody had ever given me that sensation before.

I felt very exposed and very vulnerable. It wasn't like we were at the beach and expected to walk around without a shirt. Guys took their shirts off. It was their function in life, especially when at the beach. They didn't touch each other the way he was touching me, but I'm sure they noticed each other in some way. Now...

Now I was being noticed not as just some guy without his shirt, but as some guy who someone was physically attracted to without his shirt. It made me feel uncomfortable. It made me feel exposed. It made me feel...

Jordan took his own shirt off.

"Oh, my God!” I couldn't stop staring at his body. It took some of the pressure off me, and I didn't feel so exposed anymore. Actually, I was starting to like this whole naked chest thing.

"Get down here.” He laughed lightly and pulled me down on top of him, chest to chest, and kissed me.

I'd never really kissed anybody before. Well, at least, not like this. It was a strange sensation, but ... wow! Hot!

We started off with just the light brushing of the lips and maybe an occasional lingering moment before separating. Then I became a little more daring, and he met my curiosity with his own kind of satisfaction. Before long, it was like taking a drink of the best elixir known to man, in long, deep gulps. Sure, it sounds corny, but I didn't know any other way to describe it. It's not like I had other experiences to compare it to, so it was perfect, even in its corniness. My only fear was that, since my heart was still beating several thousands of miles a minute and I was sweating, I would start drooling and some of it would accidentally slide down into his mouth.

"Wow.” Jordan used his hands to guide me off him, and we stood up. He took my hand and led me down the hall. So, this is how it happened. There didn't have to be any fancy lines, no bullshit about what state or city I lived in, what school I went to, what income bracket I fell into or what my occupation was. This really could take place between two people who liked the look of each other, enjoyed some intellectual stimulation and were of the same sex. Color me happy!

We didn't quite end up in the bedroom, though. He instead steered us into the bathroom and turned on the light.

"Here?” What was the fascination gay men had with bathrooms anyway?

"After dancing and sweating for most of the night, we could both use a shower."

He had a point, yet I thought sweating was a part of something we were going to be doing anyway. Still, cleanliness was a good idea.

He turned on the water and, when it was finally warm, turned the faucet to shower.

"Ready?” When I didn't move, he reached over and started to undo the button of my shorts.

"Uh...” I had to think of something quick. “I'm sort of ... you know ... up at the moment.” As if he couldn't tell.

"That's okay. So am I."

He finished undoing my button, pulled the zipper down and then the shorts altogether. I must have looked like a complete idiot standing there in my underwear with an erection the size of...

Well, I never bothered to measure it, but it was damn noticeable even if I do say so myself. It was even more so when he gently pulled my underwear down and let them fall to the floor on top of the shorts.

If I'd ever felt naked before, I definitely was the epitome of it now. All I could do was stand there and remember to breathe so I didn't have a heart attack. That is, until he reached up and guided my hands to the button on his shorts.

I worked carefully and quickly on them. and they were soon down on the floor with my own. All I had to do now was remove his underwear.

They slid to the ground.

"Oh, my God.” Diane's suspicions about his “package” were dead on!