A Glimpse of the Dream (18 page)

“Kane.”

His body tensed a second before he dropped to the ground. “What are you doing here?”

“We need to talk.”

“Not sure what there is to say,” he said and reached for his towel, a clear dismissal.

“Really, nothing to talk about? The boy I loved is injured and blind and I, too, was left in the dark for nine years, but there’s nothing to say?”

“For what purpose, Teagan? Your life isn’t here anymore.”

The fact that I didn’t shoot fire from my eyes with my fury was amazing. “It isn’t here because you pushed me away. I don’t have the burns or the blindness, but I suffered all these years too.”

“They didn’t expect me to live. I didn’t want you to watch me die. I couldn’t let that be the final memory you had of me.”

“But you lived and still you made no attempt to reach out to me. Why?”

“I didn’t want this life for you.”

“It wasn’t your call to make. If you really had died . . .” My sob came out in a gasp, tearing at my throat, making it so hard to get the words out. “I would have wanted to be there right at your side, would have wanted you to feel me there, would have wanted to be able to tell you how much I loved you. I would have wanted to watch as you left this world and maybe a little part of you would have stayed with me, in me.”

“I didn’t want your last memory of me to be ugly.”

“There is nothing about you that is ugly. Watching as you moved on to whatever is out there wouldn’t have been ugly, it would have been beautiful, life changing, heartbreaking, soul stealing, but not ugly. When I came back four years later, why didn’t you tell me then?”

A single tear rolled down his cheek. “I can’t be what you deserve. Eventually you would have figured that out.” Before I could say anything, he continued. “It took years for me to heal, years of pain and agony, completely at the mercy of everyone around me. I didn’t want that life for you, didn’t want to strap you to an invalid. And maybe it was vanity, but I didn’t want you to see me like that, to see what I had become. I wouldn’t have needed to see to feel your pity. I didn’t want that. Not from you. I begged Mrs. Marks to tell you I’d died, but she wouldn’t. That was her line in the sand. So I had to improvise.”

“Who was the woman?”

“My nurse. You have no idea how many times I’ve played that conversation over and over again in my head. Telling the one person I wanted most that I didn’t want her. It took everything in me not to grab you and never let go. But then reality returned, and I knew that tying you to me, to this life . . . you deserved better than that.”

“And Doreen?”

“I knew you were jealous of her. I could hear it in your voice. My guess is it was as potent as my jealousy over Simon. I knew you’d believe me. Your emotions would make you believe the lie.”

“So you wanted a better life for me and, to do that, you broke my heart.”

“Watching me die would have broken your heart anyway, but it would have also left you with memories that would have haunted you for the rest of your life. What I did seemed the lesser of the two evils.”

“And what about what I wanted?”

“You wouldn’t have wanted me, Tea. You don’t want me now. You saw my scarred body and you ran. Who wants to be strapped to a blind, burned freak?”

“I didn’t run because of your scars. I ran because I had just learned that the boy—no, the man—I love, suffered horrendously. I saw the evidence of that suffering and broke down, completely lost my shit. You shouldn’t have pushed me away, should have trusted in what we felt for each other to know I would have never walked away.”

His voice cracked, his eyes drifting down. “Your rejection would have killed me.”

“Why do you think I would have rejected you?”

“Look at me!” he roared. “Who the fuck wants this?”

“Me, Kane, I do.”

“You should go.”

“I don’t want to go.”

“Leave! Just fucking go back to your life and forget me. Please just fucking forget me.”

“I can’t forget you. I’ve tried, believe me I have tried, but I can’t.”

“You deserve more than I can give you.”

“Bullshit.”

“I’ve got nothing, Tea.”

“You could have me. Once upon a time that meant everything to you.”

“Once upon a time, I was a whole man. I’m not that man anymore.”

“And that’s it? All those dreams we had as kids, you’re just willing to let them die? I don’t understand—you’re here, I’m here, I still love you. Why can’t we try?”

His next words were softly spoken, but there was no denying the finality of them. “I don’t want to. What we had is gone.”

My gasp came out, even though I tried to stop it. I had thought there was nothing more he could say to hurt me. Clearly I was wrong. I started to walk away from him but stopped myself because damn it,
he
was wrong. Turning back to him, he looked defeated: his head bowed and his hands resting on his hips.

“You’re wrong.”

His head jerked up.

“Maybe what was between us is over, maybe we really can’t go back, but telling me to walk away, to forget you, is wrong. We’re family, Kane, whether you want to accept that or not. Family pulls together during a tragedy, we don’t push each other away. Mrs. Marks is in the hospital and here we all are, together, praying for her recovery. That’s how it should have been with you too, and you damn well know it.”

I started away from him again, but I just wasn’t finished, so I turned back. “And it needs to be said, what you suffered through, what you endured all these years, I can’t even begin to imagine, but you act as if you’re the only one who suffered. I suffered too, Mrs. Marks, Mrs. T, and Mr. Clancy did as well. Not to the mention the strain you unintentionally put on my relationship with Mrs. T, forcing me to believe her grandniece was living my life. It isn’t all about you, Kane, it isn’t all about what you want—not when you belong to others, not when you mean something to people. You’re acting selfish and a bit cowardly and I have to say those are two characteristics I never thought would ever describe you.”

And then I walked away on unsteady legs.

“Jesus Christ.” Simon pulled a hand through his hair, pacing back and forth while we stood on the cliff overlooking the island. I had just told him about Kane

“How bad are the burns?”

Every time I saw Kane’s body in my head, my eyes stung. “Almost his entire back, from midway up, and his left pec to his shoulder are scarred. I burned myself. I wanted to see what it felt like.” I lifted my arm to show him the wound.

“Teagan, that’s looks awful.” His attention moved back to my face. “How bad did it hurt?”

“Like hell. I can’t even imagine what he went through, Simon. I can’t . . . I wasn’t there for him. At the worst moment in his life, I wasn’t there.” And that destroyed me. I hadn’t said as much to Kane, but I felt it. In his darkest hour, he’d pushed me away instead of pulling me close.

Simon’s arms came around me. “He wanted you there, he just didn’t want you there. But you’re here now. Don’t rush him. In his shoes, I would have pushed everyone away, but you were his friend before you were anything else, so be his friend and let him come around at his own pace.”

“You’re right.” And he was. Being Kane’s friend had never been hard, but I knew Kane wasn’t on the same page. He had closed himself off to the world, living on the island in isolation. Had told me to go back home and leave him. But hope burned in me, because I knew he journeyed off his island sometimes. Maybe his words really were all bravado; maybe he wanted to reach out but was afraid. Fear was not an emotion I would have pegged for Kane, but then he wasn’t the same person he had been. Was it possible that I might be able to reach him?

Not realizing where my thoughts were going, Simon grinned. “I usually am.”

“He built our home. We talked about living on that island, separate from the world when we wanted to be. Just him and me. I’m happy he has that at least.” My focus shifted to Simon. “I would like you to meet him. In a real way, this time.”

“I would like that too.”

“Maybe we can try to get him to engage,” I said.

“How?”

“I don’t know. Nine years is a long time to let pass without telling me about the secret hell he was living, so telling me to go back to my life could be how he truly feels. But I think he might still be in there, that he might be pushing me away to avoid having to witness me walk away at a later point. I don’t want to walk away. He isn’t living. The Kane I knew wanted so much more from life. Maybe he and I will never get back what we had, but if I could help him find his way, offer him a hand like he did with me when I was younger, I’d be giving him back a small measure of what he’s done for me.”

What I didn’t say was that, though his body was scarred and he was blind, the damage was even greater, damage not seen on the outside. He was different, harder, more closed off. I understood the change. I had changed too, and I hadn’t lived through the ordeal that he had, but I couldn’t help but mourn for the boy he had been. And yet deep down I hoped there was still a chance for us, once he realized I was here and I wanted to be here. But my fear was that we would never get back what we’d lost, because the fire had destroyed us too.

“We can at least try,” Simon said, though he didn’t sound hopeful, and he was probably right not to be. Kane was pretty set in his ways now, and I was, after all, just a girl from his past.

“I’m going to see Mrs. Marks today. Would you like to come?” I asked.

“Yes. And then we’ll brainstorm and see about getting Kane off that island,” he said, knocking his hip lightly into mine, trying to ease the tension.

“Okay.”

He reached for my hand. “Teagan, you’re hurting, I get that. Knowing now why Kane wanted a clean break, that it was for you, not him, I know that seeing his scarred body and learning he lost his sight must fill you with all kinds of emotions. It’s okay to cry, to feel conflicted, to be angry at him and yourself. But don’t overthink this. You fell in love once before, so just because you’re both different now doesn’t mean you won’t fall in love again.”

“Are you reading my mind?”

“Maybe.” He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and squeezed. “It’s been nine years, Teagan, give yourselves time to find each other again.”

“You always know exactly what I need to hear.”

“I’m brilliant, it’s true. Now let’s get some food. Mrs. T is making pastrami sandwiches.”

Mrs. Marks was sleeping when we arrived at the hospital.

“She’s been in and out, so please don’t be surprised if she doesn’t wake during your visit,” the nurse said after showing us to her room.

“How is she doing?”

“Remarkably well. She’s a tough cookie, that one.” Admiration rang in the nurse’s voice. I couldn’t help but agree with her, because Mrs. Marks was an extraordinary person.

Simon stood at my side as I took the chair next to the bed. Her hair was not in her signature bun but down around her shoulders. I never realized how long it was. Sitting there, holding her pale hand in mine, I thought about Kane in a bed much like this, the skin of his body wrapped in protective cloth, his eyes no longer seeing.

Tears pricked my eyes and I wiped them away.

“Even lying there, she’s got an air about her,” Simon said in awe. “She looks like a Hollywood starlet.”

“Wait until she wakes and you meet her. You are going to love each other.”

“I’ve no doubt.”

Mrs. Marks stirred, and her eyes opened. Her hand moved, squeezing mine lightly.

“Teagan.”

“Mrs. Marks. Yes, I’m here.”

“You came home.”

“I’m sorry I stayed away so long. I shouldn’t have, I should have visited, shouldn’t have turned my back on you. Forgive me.”

“Nonsense, you were hurting. I am so glad you’re home.”

Her focus shifted to Simon, so I made the introduction. “This is Simon.”

A slight smile touched her lips, and then her hand squeezed harder. “Kane . . .”

“I know, Mrs. Marks. I know about Kane.”

“He made me promise.”

“It’s okay, please don’t worry about that now.”

“I didn’t agree with him, you know . . .”

“It’s okay, Mrs. Marks.”

“So bad, understand why he didn’t tell you. Loves you. Needs you to heal him.”