A Hand to Hold (11 page)

“I didn’t leave just because of Chase. I left because I was scared. And embarrassed. After Will was born, it was just easier to stay in Paradise. I didn’t have to worry about anyone judging me or my
sohn
.” She swallowed the lump in her throat. “But my selfish fear kept my
mami
from knowing her first
grosskinn
.”

“You didn’t know this would happen. You did what you had to do.”

Deborah shifted Will in her arms, noticing he had fallen asleep. She hadn’t been able to get him on a schedule yet. He would probably be up late tonight, but she didn’t want to disturb him. “I keep telling myself that, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. I wish they would have told me she was sick.”

“I can’t believe Naomi didn’t tell you,” Elisabeth said. “If I had known, I would have written you right away. I just assumed she or your
daed
had let you know.”

She looked at Elisabeth, shaking her head. “
Nee
. They didn’t. Although I can understand why
Daed
didn’t; he’s not much for writing letters. But Naomi . . .” Deborah touched her bottom lip, fighting to contain her sorrow. “
Mami
had cancer for months, Elisabeth. I could have come back here and helped take care of her.” She sighed. “I’ve made so many mistakes.”

“We all make mistakes, Deborah.”

“But not like this.”

Elisabeth’s eyes widened even more. “You regret having Will?”

“
Nee
. He’s my life.”

“I can see that.” Elisabeth’s tone softened. “I can also see you’re a good
mudder
.”

“I’m trying to be. I can’t imagine being without him. I don’t want to imagine it. But I wish the circumstances were different. He’ll grow up without knowing his
daed
. I don’t think that’s right.”

Elisabeth frowned. “But that’s not your fault. You went to Chase and told him about the
boppli
. He chose not to be part of Will’s life, and to be honest, I think you’re both better for it. He’s not a
gut
person, Deborah.”

She looked up. “Have you seen him since I left?”

“Don’t tell me you want to see him again.”

“
Nee
. I don’t. At least not for my sake. But if he met Will and saw how wonderful he is, maybe things would be different.”

“But would they be better? He’s not Amish and won’t be. Even if you were to get together, you’d have to leave the Amish to do so. Would it be worth it?”

She hesitated, then shook her head. “At one time I thought it would. But I’m happy being Amish. I want to raise my
sohn
Amish, with a family that cares for him. I would have never married Chase.”

“I’m glad to hear you say that. And to answer your question, I haven’t seen him since the last day you spoke to him, right before you left. I don’t even think he’s working at Mary Yoder’s anymore. He could have left Middlefield as far as I know.”

“Then there’s no reason to think about him again.” She said the words, but she knew how difficult it was to try to forget about him. A light summer breeze kicked up, caressing the back of her neck as she stared at the top of Will’s head.

“I see Stephen has found your
daed
,” Elisabeth said.

Deborah looked up to see Stephen and her father outside. Her father had gotten out of the buggy, but still hadn’t gone in the house and instead lingered near the barn as Stephen approached him. Obviously
Daed
was avoiding facing everyone, but he didn’t seem to mind Stephen’s company. “Stephen has really changed while I was gone. I don’t remember him being that tall.”

“He probably wasn’t that tall last time you saw him. He had a huge growth spurt last year, right before he turned nineteen. He even towers over Tobias, and Tobias is taller than all of us. Tobias isn’t real happy about that, let me tell you. He doesn’t like looking up to his little
bruder
.”

For the first time that day Deborah smiled. “Is Stephen a carpenter too?”

“
Ya
. All my
bruders
are in the family business. And Aaron’s still working at Gabriel’s blacksmith shop. He really enjoys smithing, although he likes shoeing the horses best.” Elisabeth tapped her finger against her chin, her blue eyes widening. “Oh, and I guess you didn’t know, but I have a new nephew.”

“Really? Which one of your siblings had a
boppli
?”

“None of them.” A cheeky grin appeared.

“No one had a
boppli
, but you have a nephew?”

“Uh huh. Lukas and Anna adopted a
bu
about a year and a half ago. He’s sixteen now. His name is Sawyer. He’s a Yankee too. Well, not anymore.”

“He’s Amish now?”

“He hasn’t joined the church, but he’s really taken to the Amish ways. Do you know Daniel Mullet and his family?” When Deborah shook her head, Elisabeth said, “They live near an abandoned barn that was destroyed in a fire a while back. But the barn was still standing, and Sawyer was living in it.”

“He was living in an Amish barn? Why?”

“He ran away from his foster family. It’s a long story, but Mary Beth Mullet and her brother Johnny found him and hid him for a while. Eventually he had to
geh
back to the group home, but then Lukas and Anna decided to foster him for a while. After a few months they ended up adopting him. It’s like he’s been a part of the family all along. Hopefully you’ll get to meet him soon. Lukas will be hosting church in a few weeks. I’d love if you and your family would stay for lunch afterward.”

“I’d like that.” Her emotions began to overwhelm her. “Elisabeth,” she said, trying to keep her voice from catching. It didn’t work. “You’re such a
gut freind
, more than I deserve. You’ve always been there for me. Even when I was awful to you.”

Elisabeth looked surprised. “You were never awful to me.”

“I was at the Yoder’s party. I should have never talked you into going . . . I shouldn’t have gone either.”

“Deborah, that’s all in the past.”

“Sometimes the past won’t leave us alone.”

Elisabeth reached for Deborah’s hand. “And sometimes,
mei freind
, we have to stop paying so much attention to it.”

“Nice pasture.” Stephen looked out at the huge field before him, breathing in the scent of sweet timothy grass mixed with hay from the bales stacked nearby. Several yards away, brown and black cows, with noses to the ground, ate their fill. He turned to Moses, who stood beside him. “How many head of cattle do you have here?”

“About thirty. We’re down in numbers right now. It’s been a rough year.” The old man’s face sobered. “I didn’t get a chance to tell you before, but
danki
for helping with Martha’s grave.”

“It was my honor.” Stephen’s father had asked him to help dig the grave this morning. It was a sobering task, one he didn’t enjoy at all. But he could shovel faster and remove more dirt than most of the other men who had assisted. He saw the sorrow in Moses’ eyes. He imagined the pain of losing a spouse had to be unbearable, and he didn’t know what to say. Instead he stared out at the pasture again, shoving his hands in the pockets of his black pants.

Finally Moses spoke. “It’s been getting too much lately.” He looked up at Stephen, his head tilted far back. “The farm, I mean. Over the years I’ve had a few
freinds
help me when they could, and of course,
mei dochders
and Martha . . .” He gulped and looked away. “They did their share. Then Deborah left and Martha got sick. I just kind of let things
geh
after that. I’ve had to rely on Naomi for a lot of things,” Moses said. “But I can see it’s getting to her too.”

Stephen didn’t know Deborah very well, only through her friendship with Elisabeth. Even so, he, like everyone else in the community, knew why she had left Middlefield. He had to say that her son was a good-looking boy. Stephen had always had a soft spot for kids, and he enjoyed spending time with his nieces and nephews. More than once he’d been called on to babysit and had agreed without hesitation, even though some of his friends thought watching children was women’s work. Not that it mattered to him what they thought. He was never one to let other people’s opinions bother him.

“How many animals do you have besides the cows?” Stephen asked.

“A few chickens, couple goats, three pigs. Nothing like I had a couple years ago. It’s impossible to keep up with it all.”

Stephen frowned. Moses owned a great piece of land, and it was plain to him that his farm had been successful at one time. But now everything seemed to be in need of repair or refurbishing, from the barn to the chicken coop. The crops were almost taken over by weeds, and the corn in the field was shorter than it should be by this time. The farm mirrored its owner’s sorrow. The only thing that seemed to be in good shape was the vegetable garden in the backyard.

The sound of cows lowing filtered through the air. “I should probably check on their feed,” Moses said. “They eat pretty
gut
during the day, but when they come in tonight they’ll want some grain.”

“Mind if I come with you?”

“Suit yourself.” Moses lumbered to the barn.

Stephen followed. He suspected the cows had plenty of feed. Moses was probably using this as an excuse to get out of going inside. Not that Stephen could blame him. The modest-size farmhouse was teeming with people. He’d rather be out here too.

When they entered the barn, he saw that the cows’ feed ring was full. The few cows who had stayed inside to avoid the heat stood up and walked over, stopping at the metal fence that kept them penned up in the majority of the barn, their tails slapping at the flies buzzing around them. Slowly they chewed their cud.

Moses looked the cows over and nodded. He held out his hand to one of the larger brown ones. Her tongue flicked out and licked his palm. “My
schwester
says I should hire someone to help out part-time, but I don’t know.”

Stephen reached out and touched the top of another cow’s nose. She jumped back, then tentatively sniffed his fingers. “Hope you don’t mind me saying, but that might be a
gut
idea.” He glanced at Moses. “That way all the work won’t be on you.”

Moses rubbed the back of his neck. “Problem is, I can’t afford to pay much. Next to nothing at all. I’m not sure where I’d find someone who’d be willing to work here for practically nothing.”

Stephen nodded. That was a problem. Then a slow grin suddenly spread on his face. He faced Moses. “I think I know someone.”

The old man looked up. “Who?”

“Me.”

Moses scoffed. “You have a job already. Why would you want to work here?”

“Why not? I can help you out temporarily until you find someone else. It will have to be after I get off work, so in the evening some time. Maybe a couple times a week.”

“That’s a fine offer, but I can’t take it.”

Stephen frowned. “Why?”

“I don’t want to take advantage of you. I meant it when I said I can’t pay much.”

“I’ll do it for free.”

Moses gave him a half-smile. “You don’t have any idea how much work there is on a farm, do you?”

“I’m not afraid of hard work.”

Moses tugged on his silvery beard, looking Stephen up and down. “I’m sure you’re not.” He paused, still stroking his beard. “All right. But just until I find someone more permanent. And you won’t do the work for free. I’ll pay you something.” He walked to Stephen and held out his hand. “Deal?”

Stephen took the old man’s hand and shook it. “Deal. When do you want me to start?”

“Monday too soon?”

“Monday it is.”

For the next hour Moses gave Stephen a small tour of the barn and part of the property, pointing out areas that needed fixing and sprucing up. As the list grew longer and longer, Stephen wondered what he’d gotten himself into. He honestly didn’t mind working hard, but as Moses talked, he could see even more clearly why the man was overwhelmed. Knowing that his help was needed solidified that he’d done the right thing, even though the decision had been impulsive.

They rounded the barn one last time, and the house came into view. Moses stopped and sighed. “Guess I better
geh
inside. Can’t avoid the company forever. Martha was the one that liked having people over. Me, I could take ’em or leave ’em. Right now I’d like to leave ’em.”

As they approached the house, Stephen saw Deborah sitting on one of two white plastic chairs on the front porch. Deborah’s son was asleep in her lap, his head against her shoulder, his thumb dangling out of his mouth. When they neared, she turned her head toward her father before moving her gaze to him. She smiled shyly, but when he smiled back she glanced away. He stopped short of the porch steps. “Have you seen Elisabeth?”

“She went inside for a minute. She should be right back out.”

Moses was already near the door. “Are you coming in?”

Stephen shook his head. “I should be getting back to work.”

“All right. I’ll see you on Monday, then.”

When Moses went inside, Deborah said, “What about Monday?”

“I offered to come help your
daed
out with some of the work around here.”

Deborah’s eyes filled with surprise. “You did?”