A House of Cards: Deconstructing Ethan (11 page)

The drive back to Lexi and Jayden’s took the same amount of time, but it seemed longer. Unlike the trip to my parents’ house where I was dreading my arrival and the trip took no time at all, I was anxious to get home. It was strange how little time it took for me to feel at home with them, even with their sub in the house. It just felt right being with them, I couldn’t explain it, even to myself.

I sat in the living room and talked to Lexi and Jayden for about half an hour about the visit to my parents’ house. They were both pleased that it went well. Before long, I felt the need to write about things for a while. They both understood and I headed upstairs and sat down at my desk. Opening my leather-bound journal, which I found wickedly appropriate, I started to write.

Chapter 6

Journal Entry: Self-Awareness

I am gay.

There is still some conflict in my head as to how or when it happened, but there is no escaping the inevitable conclusion. I feel an attraction for Jayden, I feel an attraction for Gabriel, but I don’t feel that kind of encompassing pull towards Lexi, nor did I feel it with any other girls. I have known for some time, but haven’t let myself have that flash of realization until my mother told me that it was okay to have it. She helped me to discover that part of myself and I think I’m grateful for it.

I guess the only real question that I have is, how am I able to have sex with women if I’m attracted to men? Does that make me bisexual? I’m sure that there are others that have pondered this question; that actually gives me some comfort – maybe I’m not too far from the norm after all. I have to look at it from a relationship standpoint, I guess. Would I want any kind of long term relationship with a man? I think that I would. I could see myself being happy with a man. However, I could not see myself in a long term relationship with a woman. I could see sex, but not anything resembling a romantic connection. Maybe the definition of sexuality lies in the intent.

I’m beginning to wonder if there are absolute lines for sexuality anyway.

Are people really 100 percent gay or 100 percent straight, or do we all fall someplace in the middle?

I got a text from Gabriel asking me if tomorrow was okay. I agreed and, now, I have my first date.

Lexi and I will certainly have to have a long discussion on making small talk. I’m nervous about taking that first step towards a normal relationship. Should I tell him that I’m a Dom? Would he be in to that type of lifestyle? What if he isn’t? What if he has a dominant personality too? How do people deal with all of these different factors in a relationship? Is it just because my life is so much more complicated?

I have a feeling it’s about to become a lot more complicated.

“Ethan?” Lexi asked from the door. I looked up as she entered. “Something else happened at the brunch too, didn’t it? Something you don’t want to talk about in front of Jayden?” She was wickedly astute; it was always one of the things I liked most about her, certainly one of the things that had helped us to become friends. She always knew when I needed to talk, when I needed my friend Lexi instead of my sub Lexi. Sitting down in the chair on the other side of the side table, she pulled her legs up underneath her.

“I have a date tomorrow,” I admitted and heard her gasp. “I know. It can’t surprise you any more than it does me.”

“What’s her name?” Lexi asked, but from the inflection in her voice I could tell that she had a pretty good idea my date wasn’t with a woman.

“Gabriel,” I said, unable to help the grin that accompanied it, wasn’t grinning at the fact that I had a date or that the date was with a guy, but the fact that she knew me so fucking well.

“I doubt that you’ll have trouble finding something to talk about, Ethan. I’m sure you are both intelligent, articulate men with a shared past,” she said and I knew my expression betrayed my nervousness. “Okay, if all else fails, try to steer clear of religion, politics, and well…sex. It might not be a good idea to tell him about our lifestyle on the first date. But, if it looks like it’s going to go somewhere, you will have to tell him eventually.” I had already come to that conclusion, even though I didn’t really expect the relationship to go anywhere.

* * *

“What time is golden boy picking you up?” Jayden asked from the doorway. His voice was light with a measure of forced indifference, but his face betrayed his annoyance.

“He’ll be here at ten,” I told him, curious about his mood. He had been fine last night while I told him about the time with my parents before the brunch and he laughed at me having to fend off women between appetizers, but when I told him about Gabriel, he suddenly became…petulant. Lexi eyed him with incredulity and a bit of annoyance of her own.

“You need to be more supportive,” she told him as she sighed and took his hand.

“We don’t know anything about this guy, about his motivations for going out with Ethan,” he challenged sharply. “I just don’t want to see all of the progress he’s made wasted because he got hurt by some pretty boy. I mean, who goes on a date at ten o’clock on a Monday morning?” he asked scathingly to the room at large. “Doesn’t golden boy have a job?”

“First of all,” I began, utterly exasperated, “stop talking about me like I’m not standing right in front of you. It pisses me off. Next, I asked him, he didn’t ask me. I have no idea why he’d want to spend time with a damaged freak, but he does. I think I’m old enough to decide who to befriend or who to…date. And lastly, he’s a Junior Partner at a law firm which, for twenty-nine, isn’t too fucking shabby. He took the day off to spend with me. He’s excited about finding his friend again. Is that so fucking awful?” By the time I finished, Jayden was looking at the floor. Sighing, I walked over to him and resting my hands on his shoulders I said, “I appreciate that you’re concerned about me.” He looked up and, for a moment, I saw some other emotion flicker across his face, but it was quickly gone. “It means everything to me that you and Lexi are here for me, supporting me, but I think…I think I
need
this.” He nodded, obviously hearing the note of sincerity, the almost pleading tone, in my voice.

“I should head in to the office. I’m sure they have something they want to put my face on today,” he said with a resigned sigh. Since he had no real business training, Josh was basically just using his brother-in-law as the firm’s poster child, but Jayden didn’t mind. He would do whatever was needed to help his father’s firm. He was nearly halfway through his one year sentence and was looking forward to getting his life back, eager to finish his graduate degree and start teaching. That was where he really wanted to be.

As I watched him walk out, I wondered why he felt he couldn’t support me, but Lexi distracted me by asking me what I was going to wear. I laughed at that – louder and longer than I had in a long time. With all of the other potential disasters that could happen that day, fashion wasn’t high on my list. When Lexi smirked at me, I told her I was just going to wear jeans and a t-shirt, assuming we couldn’t be going anywhere too fancy at ten in the morning.

An hour later, I opened the door to find Gabriel standing unassumingly on the doorstep. The bright morning light glinted off of his unintentionally messy hair. Looking up, he smiled shyly at me. I returned his smile and it felt natural to me, unlike the forced smiles I generally used with people I didn’t know well. I invited him in just as Lexi stepped into the room. At first, Gabriel looked a little awkward, but Lexi walked over and hugged him, introducing herself quietly. Thrilled to be so quickly accepted, he smiled. It didn’t seem he was used to being welcome, which was something I could relate to completely. Just another thing we had in common, maybe it wouldn’t be as uncomfortable as I’d imagined.

“Ready?” I asked him and he nodded. He held the door for me and I was officially on my very first date. When we reached his car, I noticed that it wasn’t a car at all, but an open top Jeep. Glad I’d decided to go with jeans and a t-shirt, I climbed into the passenger seat while he held the door. After climbing into the driver’s seat, he didn’t start the jeep immediately, but looked at me instead and I smiled awkwardly.

“I’m really glad you decided to come out with me today.” He had been looking down, but then, his eyes met mine and I saw the sincerity in them.

“I am too, Gabriel. I feel…I don’t know …comfortable with you. I don’t feel that way around many people,” I said and he reached over and hesitantly squeezed my hand, almost like he thought I was afraid to be touched. Returning his touch, I settled back and put on my seat belt. “So, where are we going or is it a surprise?” I hated surprises. I wondered briefly if he could read that in my expression. Apparently, he could or he just didn’t like surprises either.

“I thought we could go to the museum. It’s open and relaxed,” he said and his statement ended with an inflection that made it more of a question than a statement.

“I think that’s a great idea. I haven’t been to any of the museums since …” I stopped. I had promised myself that I wasn’t going to talk about the abduction. “…for a very long time.” I finished lamely. I guess it’s fairly unrealistic, given our history together that the subject wouldn’t come up. I sighed and settled back as he started the Jeep. We rode in fairly awkward silence for the twenty minute drive. Why couldn’t I just talk to him, make small talk about the weather or something? It was a beautiful day, clear and blue, and the lake looked serene off to the left as we made our way up Lake Shore Drive. When he bypassed the museum campus with the Aquarium, Planetarium and Field Museum, I knew he must be planning on The Museum of Science and Industry, which had been my favorite when I was a child. The thought struck me, as I hadn’t remembered much of my childhood, where had that memory come from?

I pondered it as we pulled into the underground parking garage that I didn’t remember being there before. He parked the Jeep and we headed for the entrance. As we entered the big lobby, where people were buying tickets, I saw a huge train off to the left along with a gift shop farther up. None of it looked familiar at all.

Dissatisfied, I sighed, maybe I wasn’t having the epiphany I had thought I was. He led me to a set of escalators and we headed up one floor, where he showed his member ID, and we walked right in. Then he led me up another set of escalators and we were in the main part of the museum. I was struck speechless as I walked forward under the huge rotunda in the center of the hall. As I looked up to the domed ceiling, something occurred to me. I looked at Gabriel and he was smiling.

“Your mom used to bring us here. She felt bad about you not being able to go into science because you loved it so much and as a compromise, she brought us here.” I said, the sound of awe ringing in my voice.

“I thought being here might help you remember a little of when we were friends,” he said, holding out his arm for me to lead the way. We went through the coal mine, which I remembered we had loved when we were kids, and bought ice cream in Yesterday’s Main Street. After going to lunch in the new cafeteria, we saw some of the new exhibits like the Farm Tech project, the renovations to the U505 submarine, and all of the changes to the Henry Crown Space Center, before we finally decided to go see one of the 3-D Omnimax shows. That projection system hadn’t been there when I was a child and I found myself excited to see it. It was the best day I’d had in such a long time. For once, I felt completely normal.

We opted for the undersea adventure film, which was just seating when we got in line so we were able to go right in. With the kids in school and most adults at work, the theater was relatively empty. We found seats up near the top, away from the half a dozen other people in the theatre with us, and after settling in our seats, we waited for the movie to start. The screen filled the whole domed ceiling; it was incredible, almost like you were actually under water. Even though my attention was mostly occupied by the screen, I noticed that Gabriel kept rubbing his knee with the hand closest to me. His knee was bouncing, as if he was nervous about something. Without thinking, I reached over and put my hand on his. Stopping at once, he linked my fingers with his. It felt…nice, almost natural. We remained like that, just holding hands and watching the movie.

When it was over, we dropped our hands as the lights came up. Feeling comfortable enough to hold hands in a dark theater was one thing, but strolling through the museum hand in hand was something else entirely. When we got back to the main area of the museum, Gabriel pulled out the map from his back pocket and handed it to me.

“Is there anything else you’d like to see?” He asked, looking at his watch. “We still have a couple of hours before the museum closes.” He didn’t sound like he was ready for the day to end. To be honest, neither was I, he made me feel normal – no history, no bondage and no insanity – just two guys hanging out together. I didn’t think I’d ever had that with anyone else. Even with Jayden, we talked about our D/s relationship or how the journal was coming. With Gabriel, there was none of that.

“Shall we explore the balcony level? We haven’t been up there yet. We can take the yellow stairs over there to get up there.” He headed for the stairs and I followed. As we ascended, we played with all of the little engines on the wall along the staircase, turning the cranks and pressing the buttons. By the time we reached the landing, we were laughing. We walked around before I spotted the one thing that I remembered most from coming there as a child -the walkthrough heart. It was fascinating, but what I really liked was to walk through it like a big artery filled clubhouse. Grinning when Gabriel looked at me and as we came up to it, I noticed that it was a lot smaller than I remembered. There was no one else around; in fact, I hadn’t seen anyone else on the balcony, so I only felt a little silly when I actually had to stoop just a bit to walk inside.