A House Without Windows (12 page)

Mum comes into the office and
asks if I would like to go with her to a jewellery party at a friend’s bungalow opposite.  She says we can take Joss and go on from there to pick Amy up.  I immediately start feeling panicky at the thought of going outside and crossing the road, let alone walking to the school.  I shake my head and Mum knows there’s something going on.  She gives me a hug and I cry as though my heart is breaking.

I tell Mum through my tears that I’m frightened to leave the house, and I find the confession brings me some small relief at getting the problem out in the open. Mum asks if I would like the GP to come and see me at home, and I nod.  What’s left of the sensible part of me knows I have to try and fight these overwhelming feelings of fear and anxiety somehow, before they totally take over my personality and reduce me to a gibbering wreck confined to rocking backwards and forwards on the settee.

Dad appears and offers to phone the GP, and the doctor agrees to come to the house after his morning surgery.  I feel dreadful at putting everyone to so much trouble, but Dad says I have been through a lot and it is going to take me a while to adapt to my new life.  Both Mum and Dad are surprised at how well Amy has settled down, but I know that children quickly learn to adjust to new surroundings. I only wish that I could do the same.

Mum lets the doctor in on her way out to pick Amy up from school.  I am grateful that she takes Joss with her in his pushchair.  I tell the GP I’m sorry to bring him out, and start to cry again.  He says it’s no trouble, and Dad fills him in on the recent events.  After examining me the doctor says I’m recovering well from the birth, but am suffering from severe anxiety and depression.  He prescribes 10mg of Citalopram to be taken at night, and says it will take a couple of weeks before it kicks in.  I’m to let him know if there’s no improvement after a fortnight, and he will consider increasing the dose.  He also says not to suddenly stop taking it if I feel better, but to stay on it for a few months and then gradually wean down.

Saturday 27
th
January 16:24pm

Amy was over the moon at being able to speak to her daddy.  She played the tune on her flute to him that she’d been rehearsing all week while I held the phone up. He emailed a photo of himself, and I’ve printed it out and put it in a frame by Amy’s bed.  She’s a different child; she’s adapted well to sleeping in her own room and only has occasional nightmares.  She no longer constantly clutches the reading book that Evans gave her, and it now seems permanently consigned to one of the shelves in her bedroom.

When I spoke to Liam before he went to work yesterday I was aware that at one point Patty must have been in the room with him, as he stopped speaking and suddenly ended the call, and I had to wait a few minutes until he re-dialled.  I asked if Patty had discovered him talking to me, and said that I didn’t want to cause any trouble between them.  He replied that he wasn’t committing any crime, and who he talked to on the phone was none of Patty’s business.

I’ve just realised that I haven’t felt like crying at all today.  I still don’t feel like going out to the shops or taking Amy to school, but apart from a bit of a dull headache I have not felt too badly all day. Perhaps the Citalopram is starting to work?  I remember that many of my past patients were taking anti-depressants, and now so am I.  I tell myself it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

I decide to send Liam an email later on that day:

‘My dear Liam,

Amy was so delighted to speak to you today.  She now has the photo you sent in a frame by her bed.  I think I’ll take another copy of it and do the same! I’m attaching one of me that Dad took today.

I’m not so weepy today on the Citalopram.  I’m hoping that soon I’ll feel like going outside.  I’d love to take Joss out in his pram, but I suppose I’m trying to run before I can walk.  Joss is a very contented baby and I suppose I’m very lucky in that respect. 

Just to be able to speak to you in the mornings is a real tonic for me, but please stop calling if Patty doesn’t like it.  She mustn’t feel threatened by our past relationship.  However, we have a child together and she must understand that you would want to keep in touch for that reason.  The last thing I would want to do is break up the little family that you have now.

All my love,

Beth xx
’

Sunday 28
th
January 07:19am

Liam must have stayed up late last night, as there is a reply to my email when I log in before breakfast:

‘Darling Beth,

Thanks so much for the photo.  I’m glad to hear you’re feeling a little bit better.  Depression creeps up on you and you don’t realise it until it’s got you in a firm grip.

I will continue to talk to you every morning before I go to work as long as you’re agreeable.  I can’t start my day now without hearing your voice.  I can’t help my feelings for you.  I loved you long before I met Patty, and I will continue to love you until the day I die.  I will never stop loving you. 

Patty is my partner and the mother of my son, and I love him with all my heart.  My conflicting emotions are tearing me up.  I will never love Patty as much as I love you, and there is absolutely nothing I will ever be able to do about it.  Sometimes I just want to jump into a plane and take up where we left off, but to hear Toby call me daddy as he reaches out his arms for me is just the most wonderful thing in the world.  He is relying on me to love and provide for him, and I cannot let him down.  I only wish I could have got to know Amy sooner.  I feel I ought to be there for her as well, but cannot be in two places at once.  I have set up a direct debit so that every month you will receive enough money to cover her school fees and whatever else she needs. I’m so sorry but that’s all I can do, apart from hopefully seeing her in the school holidays if she (and you) would like that.

Yours forever,

Liam xxxx
’

I put my head in my hands after I read the email. 
My love for Liam was like a deep ache that wouldn’t go away.  I wanted him so badly at that moment that it was like a physical pain, and I knew the only way to remove the agony was to be held in his arms.  I just had to reply with a message of my own:

‘My darling Liam,

Thank you so much for the direct debit.  Of course you can see Amy whenever you want to.  She is so very happy to have found her real daddy at last.

The love we had was a beautiful thing.  The wonderful memories I had of you have stayed in my mind all throughout the last ten years.  I cannot expunge you from my memory no matter how hard I try.  I ache to be with you; it is a gnawing ache that will not go away.  However, the love you and your son have for each other cannot be tarnished in any way; I do not want to break up your family.  We have to be content with talking to each other on the phone, and I look forward to this every day.  I know Amy is counting the hours until she can speak to you later on.

You will stay forever in my heart,

Beth xxxx
’

Within a short time
an email comes back:

‘
My darling Beth,

I can’t sleep for thinking about you.  It 2:30am here and I’ve already told Patty I’m coming back to bed.  She’s not happy that I’m sitting here in the office sending emails in the dead of night.  She heard us talking on the phone last week, and I think she’s going to make it very difficult for me to actually be able to get some free time to talk to you.  She’s starting to appear in the office whenever I’m in here, so for the next few weeks or so I’ll email you from work.  That doesn’t mean I’ll not be able to speak to Amy; she’s ok with that, but she’s not happy that I’m spending so much time speaking to you. 

I have to go now.  Love you. xxxxxx’

Wednesday 31st January 09:31

Today I managed to walk with Mum, Amy and Joss to the top of the road without breaking into a cold sweat.  Mum carried on taking Amy to school, and I walked back to the bungalow with Joss in his pushchair.  I took a little plastic bag in case I panicked and felt sick, but I was surprised to feel quite normal in that I didn’t feel short of breath and my heart wasn’t thumping away. I was so pleased with myself!  There’s a downside to taking the anti-depressants though; I seem to be permanently hungry.  It’s too easy to sit and eat all the wrong foods; I must be very careful not to put on too much weight.

I’ve just logged in to see there’s an email from Liam:

‘Darling,

I’ve been so busy at work and had to wait until the end of the day to send you an email to say that I love you more than life itself.  I’m so sorry not to be able to speak to you in the mornings now, but I know Patty would make a point of being around if we did.

I think Patty might have been reading our emails while I’ve been at work. I’ve now put a password on the computer so that she can’t access them anymore, but things are quite bad at home at the moment.  She’s accusing me of not loving her.  All I can say to you is that I did love her once, but I love you more.  It’s not something I have any control over.  I haven’t said anything to her of my feelings for you because my son is so important to me, and I feel I must stay with Patty for his sake.  He needs the constant presence of his daddy who loves him, so that he can develop into a loving, caring human being. 

My life is such a mess.  I need you like I need to breathe.

L. xxxx’

My arms ached to reach out across the miles and hold him.  He was doing right by his son in being there for him, but if his partner was convinced he loved another woman then there was the possibility she could leave and take his son away from him.  I didn’t want to be the cause of him losing his son, so I decided not to answer any more of his emails.  Amy could still speak to him at weekends, but I thought it might be best if I kept out of the way.

PART 7 – LIAM

CHAPTER 35

He logged in and looked forward to speaking to his daughter.  Amy seemed a bright little thing; she was enjoying school and doing well.  He scanned his inbox, but there were no emails from Beth.  He sighed as he checked again; why was she not answering his messages?

“How long will you be?  I thought we were going to take Toby out to the park?”  Patty sounded petulant and moody.

“We will darling.  It’s my time to speak with Amy.”

“We’ll be waiting for you.”

He dialled Beth’s number and heard the phone ring at the other end:

“Hello Liam
!”  Amy’s girlish voice made him smile.  He looked at her photo next to Toby’s; she looked so uncannily like her mother.  He took an inrush of breath at the sight.

“Hey Amy!  I’ve missed you!  How has school been this week?” 
He couldn’t take his eyes from her face in the photo.  His own daughter, and she was half-grown already.  He switched on the speaker and her voice filled the room:

“Ok, thanks.  I came top in the maths test on Friday.  I even beat Penny Green, and nobody ever usually beats her. She’s not speaking to me now.”

“Well done.  You’re a clever girl.  Don’t
you worry your head about Penny Green; she has to learn to meet with triumph and disaster and treat those two imposters just the same. That last bit is part of a very famous poem by Rudyard Kipling.”

“
Miss Everett read us that one the other day.  I remember it’s called ‘If’.”

“I recall when I was a boy the whole class had detention and we couldn’t go home unless we could recite it out loud from memory.  I still remember the whole poem to this day.”

“Wow.  We have to write lines if we’re naughty, but I’m not naughty though.”  Amy swivelled round on the office chair as she spoke.

“What are you reading now Amy?”  Liam smiled and wished he could give his daughter a hug.

“George’s Marvellous Medicine.  It’s funny, but Miss Everett wants me to start reading a book by somebody called William Shakespeare, but it’s boring and I can’t understand it.”

“You will as you get older.  Maybe Miss Everett’s asking too much of you at the moment.”

“Mummy says there’s more books with stories about Philip, Jack, Lucy-Ann and Dinah.
”