A House Without Windows (9 page)

He hated airports.  All the waiting around and wasted time made him irritable.  Liam sat at one of the tables outside the Swiss Chalet restaurant at Pearson International airport eating roast chicken and watching the people go by.  He knew he was too wound up at the thought of seeing Beth again to get any sleep on the plane, and figured it was going to be a long night.  Treacher would be waiting for him at the other end; flashbulbs would be popping, and his mind was too distracted by the recent events to even think about concentrating on a book for the length of the journey. 

After his meal he visited a gift store in the departure lounge and bought a pad of writing paper with a cover depicting the CN tower.  He decided to compose another letter to Beth during the flight; it would occupy his mind and channel his thoughts in the right direction.

When his flight was announced over the loudspeaker Liam made his way to the gate and waited in line with British tourists returning home after the Christmas vacation.  His ear quickly attuned to the accents and he wanted to tell them about Beth and scan their faces for a response, but figured they had probably not kept up with any news from home during their stay in Toronto and would not know what he was talking about. 

Walking past the checkout staff on the gate, he stepped onto the plane and made himself as comfortable as he could in his seat for the seven-hour flight.  He felt a strange excitement at seeing Beth again and meeting the girl who could possibly be his daughter, but at the same time felt guilty at leaving Patty and Toby.  He momentarily closed his eyes and pictured his son’s beaming smile that morning; the deep love he had for his child would ensure a return to the land of his birth, but he could not help but feel as though he was floundering in a sea of uncertainty.

“Hello.  I’ll try not to be any trouble.” 

Liam came back to reality as an elderly British lady strapped herself into the seat next to his.  He smiled as he adjusted the clips on his own belt.  He hoped she didn’t intend to talk non-stop the whole time.

“Hi.  You’ll be fine I’m sure.  I’m Liam.”  He pretended to take an interest in the air hostess as she pointed out the emergency exits.

“Pleased to meet you Liam.  I’m Shirley. I’ve just said goodbye to my son and his wife.  No matter how many times I do it, it never seems to get any easier.”

“I’ve just done the same, although my son just a baby I’m still going to miss him dreadfully.”  Liam smiled again at the fading memory of Toby in his high chair that morning.

“Of course.  Will you be visiting relatives in England? Are your parents English?  You have a very slight British accent on some words.”  Shirley turned to look at Liam, her interest growing in her new travelling companion.

Liam took out his notepad and pen, hoping to immerse himself in his writing:

“Yes, I’m going to visit my father.  My mother is Canadian and my father is English, so I have dual nationality.  I lived in England with my father for a few years while I was training to be a doctor. They’re divorced now but seem to get on better than they ever did, now that they live on separate continents.”

He hoped the part-lie would quell her curiosity.  The engines started up and the plane began to move forward to join the queue for take-off.  Liam looked at the blank sheet of paper and wondered what on earth to say to Beth, the only woman he had ever truly loved. 

“I’d say your wife is a very lucky lady.  Some men can’t be bothered with babies and toddlers.  My husband only took an interest in Anthony when he was about 18 and they could go off drinking together.  You obviously miss your son.  It’s lovely.”

Liam smiled again at the old lady as the engines roared and the plane began to gather speed down the runway.  He’d been so excited about meeting Beth again that he hadn’t even thought about visiting his father, who had no idea he was on his way to the UK.  As the plane took off he hoped he’d be able to speak to his father before he saw his son’s face plastered all over the newspapers.

Taking advantage of a lull in the conversation after dinner as his travelling companion dozed, Liam found a pen in his jacket pocket and opened his writing pad. 

What could he say to somebody that was once so dear to him that it took eight years just to begin to expunge the memories?  Liam sighed and chewed the end of his pen in concentration:

My dearest Beth,

I don’t know if you received the last letter I sent you, so I’m writing another one.

If I had passed up buying the Londoner Standard in a bookstore in downtown Toronto a few days ago I would never have seen your photo inside the front cover.  The fact that you are still alive makes me happy beyond my wildest dreams.

We had the world at our feet ten years ago.  To have you snatched from me at the time was devastating, and for many years I felt that I could not go on as the grief was too raw.  After five years I stopped working in the UK and went back home, hoping the new environment would help me forget.  I moved back with Mom and slowly took up the fragments of a new life.

Patty is part of my new life now, and we have a beautiful son, Toby, who is 18 months old.  I am very thankful for Patty; she took on somebody too damaged to function properly, and turned my life around.  I look at her and feel nothing but admiration.  She organises my life and takes care of our son.  I come home after a day’s work to a well-kept house and a happy, smiling toddler. 

However, I can never feel for Patty what I felt for you.  You were my soul mate; my other half.  We could finish each other’s sentences.  When I held you in my arms I felt complete. 

I realize of course that now we are two different people.  What you have gone through is catastrophic, and I would not be surprised if you never wanted to look at a man again.

We cannot change what has happened or turn back the clock.  I could no more leave my son than fly off to the moon, and there’s no way I would ever take him from his mother.  Patty loves me with all her heart, and she has made me the man I am today; able to cope and function again.  I suppose what I am saying is that although I will never stop loving you I cannot be the husband you once wanted me to be.  I don’t know if you still think of me as your fiancée, but too much has happened in the meantime and I am a different person now.

My darling I am so looking forward to seeing you, albeit just for a short time.  Please accept me with all my imperfections.

Truly yours,

Liam  xx

He tore off the pages carefully, folded them in half, put the letter in his jacket pocket and closed his eyes.

He must have dozed for a while.  When he awoke the stewardess was serving coffee.  Shirley passed him a steaming cup and he drank gratefully.

“You had a nice snooze there.  Pleasant dreams?”  She took out a bag of food from behind the seat in front of her.  “Would you like a biscuit?”

Liam rubbed his eyes as he drained the small plastic cup:

“I guess.  I don’t really remember. Thanks for the cookie.”  He yawned and smiled.

“They’re chocolate hob-nobs.  I always take some wherever I go.”

“You’re a star, Shirley; a true star.”

“I think they’ll dim the lights soon so that we can have a few hours sleep.  I always find it hard to sleep though when I’ve just said goodbye to my son and his wife and children.”

“I don’t think I’ll be able to get much more sleep.  I’m too wired.”

“Looking forward to seeing your father?”

“Well, it’s a bit more than that.  I’m going to see Dad, but also I’m meeting up with somebody else that I haven’t seen for a very long time.”

“That must be very exciting.  I always feel like that on the outward journey to see Anthony and Clare.  Are they waiting for you at Heathrow?”

“No I don’t think so.  She’s just had an operation.  I don’t think she’s up to travelling much at the moment.”

“I hope she’s not too poorly to see you.” 

“So do I Shirley. So do I.”

The lights dimmed as the plane flew into the night.  As Shirley stood up to find the washroom Liam settled back into the seat and closed his eyes again.  He listened to the noise of the engines and was grateful for the chance to be alone with his thoughts for a while.

Dawn was breaking when he awoke.  The other passengers were stirring and looking out of the windows.  Shirley was reading with the aid of a small spotlight shining down from above her seat.

“There! You did manage to sleep.  You looked very peaceful.  I only wish I could have grabbed a few hours.”

“I was tired.  I’ve been awake a lot the past few days.”

“Thinking about your young lady no doubt.”  There was a twinkle in Shirley’s eyes as she turned to look at him.

“Yes.  I must admit.  Beth has been in my thoughts night and day.”

“You must love her very much.” 

“It was a long time ago.  We’ve both changed and moved on now though.”

“Not by the sound of it from what I can tell.”

Liam laughed and took a cup of coffee from the stewardess:

“You’re too shrewd Shirley!”

“I know a young man in love when I see one.”

“It’s not that simple.  I’m with somebody else now.  We have a young son.”

“Ah.  I see.”  Shirley put down her book and sipped her tea.  “All I can say is don’t do what I did.  I stayed for years with a person I didn’t love, just for the sake of my child.  I ended up hating the sight of him.  Follow your heart.  If it leads you across the Atlantic, then follow it.”

“Thanks for the advice.  It’s not that I don’t love Patty, I just love her in a different way to the way I love Beth.”  He bit into another chocolate hob-nob.

“No woman wants to know she’s second best.  When Patty finds out there’ll be hell to pay.” 

“She won’t find out.”

“Hmm.  My guess is that she probably already has an inkling.”  Shirley nodded sagely and opened up her book again. 

Liam sighed and tried to summon up the appetite to eat the frugal breakfast handed out.  As the plane approached Heathrow and he felt the landing gear descend, he wondered if Iain Treacher was already waiting for him.

Wheeling his suitcase into the Arrivals hall, the first thing he spotted was his name written in red ink on a large piece of card, held by a man sporting the kind of designer stubble that to Liam looked as if he had just rolled out of bed.

“Are you Treacher?  Hi.  I’m Liam Darrah.”

“That bastard’s still sleeping it off.  I’m Paul Fraser the photographer.  Pleased to meet you.”

The two men shook hands and Liam followed Fraser out of the airport building.

“We’re in the short-term car park.  I’ve booked you into the same hotel as us near the Nichols’ family home in Norwich.  It’ll take about 3 hours to get there, so if I were you I’d get some shut-eye on the way.”

“Does Beth know I’m coming up?”

“Yes but don’t worry, we’ll give you two some time alone and then Iain will take some notes for the article if he’s awake, and I’ll take some photos.  We’ve got the exclusive, so there’s no rush.  You’ll be able to have a shower and get some kip first.”

“Kip?”

“Sleep.”

“Uh-huh.  I want the money to go to Beth.”

“Iain’s sorting it out.”

The inside of Fraser’s Range Rover was a jumble of camera equipment and folding ladders.  Liam found an empty corner to stow his suitcase, and soon Fraser was expertly negotiating the rush hour traffic on the M25. 

“So when was the last time you saw Dr Nichols then?”  Fraser turned onto the M11 and Liam cast his mind back.

“May 20
th
1987.  We were both doctors working in the emergency room.  Her shift finished at 10pm, but mine was only just starting.  I asked her to ring for the night porter to escort her, but she said she’d be fine.  It was only a five-minute walk back to the accommodation.  If only I could turn back the time.”

“We’d all like to do that, mate.  Iain’s spoken to her; she’s really excited for the chance to be able to meet up with you again.  Sally Nichols had even rung the Rachelle hospital to find out if you were still working there.”

“What did they say?”

“No-one had heard of you.”

“It was a long time ago.”  Liam yawned and settled back against the headrest.  “Is it still only seven thirty in the morning?”

“I told you.  Get some kip.  I’ll give you a nudge when we get there.”

When he awoke he saw road signs indicating the way to the centre of Norwich.  Memories came flooding back of himself and Beth that last Christmas, walking around the main shopping mall with their arms around each other.  He’d bought her some warm pyjamas with a mistletoe motif on the front; she always complained the bed was too cold when he worked the night shift.  She’d bought him a pair of Santa socks complete with sleigh bells.  He could still see her curled up on the bed, laughing at him standing in front of her wearing nothing except the socks and a huge grin.

Fraser pulled the Range Rover into an expensive-looking hotel, whose frontage was covered in ivy.

“We’re here now.  They have a good restaurant if you want something to eat.”  He turned off the engine.

“Great, but my body clock’s a bit out of step at the moment.”  Liam unwillingly brought himself back to the present, collected his suitcase, and followed Fraser into the hotel’s lobby to check in.  He felt he could sleep for a week.

“Your room’s next to mine.  I’ll give Iain a knock and see if he’s up.”

The floorboards creaked with age and there was an aroma of sausages and bacon along the maze of passageways that led to the bedrooms.  Liam looked towards the door to his room that Fraser indicated, and then waited to see if Iain Treacher responded to the knock.

There was no answer.

“I’ll give you a shout in a couple of hours and then we’ll have something to eat.  I’ll have that lazy bastard up by then.”

Liam smiled and entered his room.  It was clean, and the bed looked inviting.  After showering and shaving he lay down and sank his head into the soft pillow.