A House Without Windows (11 page)

“How long had you known each other before the abduction?”  Treacher directed his question to nobody in particular.  Liam waited for a few seconds and then took up the story when Beth failed to answer.

“We were friends at medical school, and had started dating about a year before Beth was taken.  I was living in the UK with my father at the time, who had just split from Mom.  The course of our lives were set; we would train to become consultants, get married, have lots of babies, and live in a country cottage with roses around the door.”

“Well, you got to be a consultant anyway.” Beth smiled and looked down at Joss.

“Dr Nichols, are you finding it difficult adjusting to normal life?”

Beth took her eyes from the baby to look at Treacher:

“I must admit I haven’t been out much because I’m still recovering from a caesarean birth.  At the moment I can’t think about going shopping or anything like that.  I expect it will come with time, but the outside world just seems too noisy and fast-paced for me after being imprisoned in a basement and just seeing the same two people for ten years.”

The journalist nodded and nibbled on a biscuit. 

“Dr Darrah; do you think you might come back to live in the UK permanently?”  Treacher had asked the one question that Liam hoped he wouldn’t have to answer.

“Although I have dual nationality, my partner is Canadian and she would not want to be uprooted.  I have a young son and a thriving paediatric practice in Toronto.  My life is back in Canada, but I will make frequent trips to the UK in the future to see my daughter.”  His words sounded dull and lifeless.  Liam felt Beth stiffen in his arms.

“How did you feel when you found out you had a daughter?”  Treacher was trying his patience, and suddenly Liam wished he’d never got the Press involved. 

“The same as you’d feel under the same circumstances I expect; a mixture of shock, happiness, and anger and frustration at not having the chance to have been part of her formative years.”  His answer was abrupt.  He felt Beth move closer to him to give support.

“How has your partner reacted to the news?”  The journalist was digging deep into his emotions, and Liam hoped the money being paid to Beth would be worth all the anguish.

“She was upset that I hadn’t mentioned anything to her before.  We
searched for years, but eventually we all thought that Beth had been murdered, and I had tried to put it all behind me when I eventually moved back to Toronto.”

“Dr Nichols; how do you feel knowing that Dr Darrah will be flying back on Saturday?”

Liam pulled Beth closer to him, and there was a moment of silence while she gathered her thoughts and feelings:

“I was a prisoner for a long time.  Liam built another life for himself in my absence.  I wouldn’t have wanted him to grieve for the rest of his life.  He has moved on and so must I.  I am still a relatively young woman, and now I have the chance to build a life for my children and myself.  When I am stronger I want to re-train and work again and support my children.  I feel as though I must not hold Liam back.  He must go back to his partner, his son and his life.  He will always be welcome to see Amy and maybe even take her to Canada for a holiday, but at the end of the day he has his life in Toronto and I have my life here in the UK.”  She reached over the baby to pour herself a cup of tea.

“Are you going to testify against Evans at his trial?”  Treacher took another biscuit.

“Of course.  I want him put away for the rest of his life.” 

“What are your feelings towards him?”

“Anger at depriving me of my freedom for so long, and fear of what he might do to me or Amy if he is ever released.” 

“How did he come across to you?”

“Definite mental health issues; loner, misfit,
and probable drug addict. From something he once said I think he’d also been abused as a youngster.  That doesn’t mean though that I’ll ever forgive him for what he’s done.”

“Dr Darrah.  How do you feel towards Evans?” 

“How do I feel towards the person who kept my fiancée prisoner against her will, abused her physically and sexually, and probably damaged my daughter for the rest of her life?  How do I feel? What a stupid fucking question!” Liam’s voice shook with anger and he closed his eyes.  Beth laid her head on his shoulder, stopping him in his tracks from striding over to Treacher and punching his lights out.

“Can I take some photos?”  Fraser interrupted to smooth over the tension in the room. 

“Fire away. I can’t promise we’ll be smiling though.”  Liam looked at his watch and wondered how much longer he would have to endure the torture.

“I’ll take some of just the two of you, and then if you want to bring Amy in I’ll take a few more of Dr Nichols with the children and then yourself with Amy.”

“Fine.  Just get it over with.”

“We’ll be on our way soon.  You have the hotel room for the rest of your stay, but we’ll be gone tonight.  We have the cheque to give you today.”

Liam stopped short from outwardly cheering.  He nodded curtly.

“Thanks. Give it to Beth.”

The baby was hungry and told his mother of the fact in the only way he knew how.  Fraser had taken enough photos to fill a small album. Sally Nichols showed Treacher and Fraser to the front door and then returned to take the baby.

“I’ll feed Joss and change his nappy.  You two sit there and recover.  We’ll be in the kitchen for a while longer.”

“Thanks M
um.”  Beth sighed and handed over the baby to her mother, who made a tactful exit.

Liam still sat on the settee with his arm around Beth.  He felt shell-shocked and unwilling to move.  Beth’s body was warm against his, and for a few minutes they enjoyed the peace and silence.

“Thank God that’s over.  If I still smoked I’d have a cigarette now.”  Beth grimaced and let her arm fall across Liam’s shirtfront.

“Abduction and imprisonment; what a way to cure yourself of a nicotine addiction!  I’d better not recommend it in medical circles though.”  Liam laughed a somewhat hollow laugh and let his lips touch the top of Beth’s head.  The scent of her hair brought back a thousand memories.

“I’m going to see D
ad tomorrow, but I’ll come and see you all the following day before I have to fly back.”  He tried to block out the pleasurable feel of Beth’s body against his.  Somehow it felt so right being there and holding her; he didn’t want to think about going home.

“He’ll be so surprised to see you and to hear what’s been going on.”

“He always liked you.  Unfortunately he and Patty rub each other up the wrong way.”

“Yes I remember the old boy could be a little bit cantankerous.  I just used to smile at him a lot.”  Beth laughed at the memory.

“He loved you.  I loved you.”  Liam sighed and buried his face in her hair. “I still love you.  I never stopped loving you.”  His eyes filled with tears. “Oh God, what a fucking mess!”

CHAPTER 34

I’m keeping a diary as I try to adjust to my new life.  It’s so wonderful to know what the date and time is again.

Wednesday January 17
th
1996  7.30pm

The midwife comes to see me every day.  Joss is gaining weight, as he should.  All I had for Amy was my own milk, but I can’t put Joss to the breast this time.  It just doesn’t feel right. 

The midwife will stop coming soon and the health visitor will take over.  I’m told that I’m doing very well considering, but inside I feel I’m coming apart at the seams.  I can’t face even taking the baby for a walk in his pushchair at the moment.  The outside world seems so noisy, with cars beeping their horns and thousands of people rushing about everywhere.  The sky is huge. Amy seems to be adapting well as children tend to do, and today she even forgot to carry her book about with her.  She’s learning to use a knife and fork. The time is right to prepare her for starting school.

Liam flew back home to his partner and his son and broke my heart all over again.  He gave me a letter that he’d written on the plane coming over here.  It said it all really.  I know I must stop thinking of him in a romantic way.  Patty was waiting for him at the airport with Toby, and there is no place for me.  I will see him when he comes to collect Amy in the school summer holidays, and I must be thankful for that.  I know he loves me deeply, just as I love him, but the situation we’re now in only succeeds to drive us further apart.

Mum and Dad are my port in a storm.  They help with the children, and try to encourage me to venture outside.  The money I received from the newspaper is enough to allow me to put a sizeable deposit down on a property of my own, but I need to retrain to be able to work again in order to pay off a monthly mortgage.  I don’t feel strong enough mentally at the moment to be able to do that.  The days flow by one into the other, and I sit in my parents’ lounge and look out of the window, or explore the world from the safety of Dad’s office computer.

Dad set me up with an email account and I think he must have given Liam my email address, because he sent a message to say he’d landed safely back in Toronto, and that Patty and the baby had been waiting for him at the airport.  I know I shouldn’t have replied, but I did.  I sent him an email to say how much I’d enjoyed seeing him again.  It had taken 10 years to be able to look into his eyes, but the thought of Patty and Toby waiting for him to come home put a different slant on things for me.  I’d played the scene in my head thousands of times of what I’d say to him and what I’d do when we finally met up, but in the end I didn’t do or say any of it.  Liam belongs to somebody else now, and I couldn’t bring myself to tell him how much I loved him. 

He wanted me to go with him to visit his father, but I didn’t want to go out of the house and leave the children with my parents.  I could tell he was disappointed to be going without me, but it was probably for the best anyway.

You would think I’d be ecstatic and on cloud nine at being released, but after seeing Liam I feel terribly low and am having trouble feeling hopeful for the future.  Liam was my future, but that’s been snatched away now.  I feel I have to try and continue to be strong for my children, but the ground has fallen away from under me.  Mum thinks I need anti-depressants, but I don’t really want to get hooked on those.  The world and his wife are on Citalopram, but I told Mum it was only the baby blues and it would go away when my hormones settle down. 

I’m pressing Amy’s new school uniform ready for tomorrow.  Mum took her to Norwich yesterday and she came home very excited holding her new skirts, blouses, shoes and blazer.  She’s turning into a typical girl; she loved her shopping expedition and wanted to know when she could go again.  I can’t believe how quickly she has adapted.

Mum has enrolled her in a small private school that is only about 20 minutes walk away.  I feel guilty at the cost of it, but Mum and Dad say it’s the least they can do to make up for lost time with their granddaughter.  There are only about 10 children in each class, and I know this will be better for Amy as she is bright and will be given work appropriate to her level.  There won’t be the disruption, hustle and bustle of hundreds of children in a big school, and I will miss her terribly. I’ve only been separated from her for a couple of days when Joss was born, and the thought of her going off to school is not aiding my depression.  I keep catastrophising that Evans will escape and kidnap Amy all over again.   The headmistress knows of Amy’s situation, and to start with she will only be going to school in the mornings and will gradually build up to the whole day after a few weeks.

I hang Amy’s uniform on the outside of her wardrobe and sit down on her bed and cry.  She’s reading a new book that Mum bought her in Norwich, and I need to say goodnight and switch the night-light on.  I cry a lot these days, but I don’t know if it’s losing Liam that’s making me cry, my post-partum hormones, or the thought of my daughter going off to school tomorrow. 

Amy sits up and cuddles me and tells me not to be sad.  I smooth down her lovely long fair hair and rest my head on hers.  I know I cannot hold her back and keep her with me forever, but she brings sunshine to a life that I feel I’m losing control over.  I kiss her goodnight and switch the nightlight on, as she hasn’t yet got over her fear of the dark.  She’s so excited about starting school and says she won’t be able to sleep.  I check her half an hour afterwards but there is no sound.

By the time I have given Joss his last feed of the day Mum and Dad are also asleep.  I can’t settle and decide to go downstairs to the office and turn on Dad’s computer.  There is a message from Liam:

‘Dear Beth,

Many thanks for your email.  Dad was disappointed not to see you.  I think he still has a soft spot for you.  He says you’re always welcome to take the children and visit.  He says he’d like to meet his granddaughter.  If you don’t feel up to visiting him, can he come to your parents’ house?  Have a think about what you’d like to do and let me know.

I feel as though I’ve left a part of me behind in Norfolk.  I feel strangely unsettled now and keep thinking back to when I held you in my arms. There was so much I should have said to you on that last day, but the time flew by so quickly.

I hope Amy enjoys her first day at school tomorrow.  Tell her
that I’ll be thinking of her, and that I’ll call her often.

Would Robert mind if we used his phone to keep in touch?  I’ll also start to send you more emails, now that your dad has shown you how to use the computer.  Technology never stands still does it?  Emails are so easy; as you can see, there’s really nothing to it, and it’ll be cheaper than using the phone all the time.  It’ll be a great way of keeping in touch.  One day I think people will use emails all the time instead of sending letters!

Love and hugs,

Liam  xx
’

Monday 22nd
January – 10.12 am

At 08:26 I’d put Joss in his pushchair and set out with Mum and Dad to walk Amy to school, but at the end of our road I had to turn back.  My heart was pounding in my chest, and I’d started to sweat even though there was ice and snow on the pavement.  The sky seemed endless and grey, and stretched for miles into the far beyond.  The world was too big; the cars too noisy, and my legs were shaking.  I kissed Amy and walked as quickly as I could with the pushchair back to the bungalow.  Dad wanted to come back with me, but I told him to stay with Mum and Amy.

I cuddled Joss on the settee and cried with fear at what was happening to me.  I was a supposed sensible well-educated 36-year-old doctor.  I took stock of my situation and reasoned that I was still recovering from the birth and that my muscles were probably too weak to walk about after ten years in captivity.  I put to the back of my mind the terror I felt at having to go outside.

Mum and Dad returned minus Amy, but said how happy she’d seemed when they’d left her in the classroom.  Mum asked if I’d like to walk back with her at lunchtime to collect her from school, but I immediately started to feel panicky again at the thought.  I told Mum I felt tired and that I’d have a nap on the settee whilst she was gone.  Mum said Amy had asked if I could be there when she came out of school.

I truly did want to be there for my daughter, but my heart started pounding again, knowing I’d have to face the outside world.  For years I’d lived in my concrete prison yearning for the day when I could step outside, and now I had the chance I couldn’t do it.  I knew I’d have to make a superhuman effort to be able to walk away from the house for 20 minutes to meet Amy, and I also knew I just wouldn’t be able to accomplish this.  The fact caused tears to sting the back of my eyes, and I held on to Joss tighter on the settee.  Dad sat down next to me and asked if I was ok, and I remember mumbling something to the effect that I was fine. 

While Joss had his mid-morning nap I re-read Liam’s email.  I also asked Dad whether he minded if I phoned Liam from time to time.  Of course he said he didn’t mind at all, but in the long run he said it would be cheaper to communicate by email.  I decided it was time to embrace the new technological age:

‘Dear Liam,

Dad helped me set up with an email account, but he doesn’t mind us using the phone from time to time.  Emails are a good way for Amy to keep in touch with you, although if she actually spoke with you it would be better I think. What is the time difference?  Are you five hours behind the UK?  If so you would have to call at weekends I expect when you’re not at work and Amy is home.

Of course your dad can come and see Amy any time he likes.  I don’t feel up to going out and visiting just yet, but he is welcome here.  Amy started school today; she’s only there for mornings at the moment, but I expect will soon feel able to stay all day.

We both left many things unsaid, but I think it’s probably better that way.  We are two different people to those of ten years ago, and there’s no way I would want to interfere with the life you have now. 

Love and hugs back,

Beth x’

I watched the blue line going across the screen as the email was being sent, and wished I could have told Liam how much I loved him and how much the thought of seeing him again had kept me going through the dark days of imprisonment.  I wished I could have told him that there would never be a man who could even begin to match up to him, and that losing him all over again to another woman had made me start to wonder whether life was really worth living after all.

Surprisingly within a few moments Liam had typed a reply.  I checked my watch and it was 10:47am.  Across the pond it was very early in the morning.  Liam
had always hated mornings:

‘My dear Beth,

I’m here in the office while Patty and Toby are still in bed.  I’m not sleeping too well lately, and I can’t stop thinking about you.  I can’t wait to talk to you and hear your voice again.  Perhaps we can make a regular time to talk?

More love and hugs
, Liam. xxxxxx’

Wednesday 24th January – 11:54 am

It’s getting harder to come up with excuses not to walk with Mum when she takes Amy to school.  It’s getting to the point where I don’t even want to open the front door to put the empty bottles out for the milkman.  The sky seems vast and unforgiving. The wound from the caesarean is healing nicely and I’m not in so much pain now, but the thought of venturing outside into the great wide open sends me into a panic.  Poor Amy has had so much to cope with in her short life, and to see her mother having a full-blown panic attack in the street would really freak her out I’m sure. I feel sweaty and shaky at the thought of having a panic attack in front of everybody.  What if I can’t breathe?  What if I’m sick? 

I try and reason with myself that I’m just panicking about having a panic attack, but it’s no use.  Mum’s getting suspicious that there might be something wrong with me.  She wants me to make an appointment to see a GP at their practice just to get checked over, but I could no more go outside and walk to the surgery than I could walk to the school.  I’m frightened.  I think I’m losing my sanity.

The doorbell rings, but Mum and Dad have gone to pick up Amy.  My heart thumps as I peer around the front door, and I try not to look up at the sky.  The postman hands me a parcel and I close the door quickly.  It’s the web-cam!

I send an email to Liam to let him know I read his message, but I assume he’ll be getting ready for work.  I cuddle Joss and sigh, as the day stretches endlessly before me. I know I will have to wait until at least 11pm to receive a reply:

‘Darling Beth,

I can’t wait to speak to you again.  I’m still sleeping really badly, and Patty is getting used to me walking about at night and getting up early.  I want to call you from here in my office at 05:45 my time (10:45 your time) every morning before I go to work.  Will you be at home then (I hope so!)?

How is Amy getting on at school?  Is she staying for the whole day yet?  Please could you email me some photos of yourself and Amy?

See you tomorrow.

Love, hugs, and more love than you could ever imagine.  xxxx’

‘
My dear Liam,

It’s late at night now for me. I’ve taken some photos of Amy in her school uniform today, and have attached them for you.  She’s adapted so well that next week she’ll be staying at school all day.  The headmistress told Mum that Amy is ahead of her classmates in maths, reading and science, but will need to catch up with German and classics (my two worst subjects at her age).  It’s a wonderful school; last night she brought home a flute and played a little tune on it.  She’s surprisingly musical, given that I don’t play any instrument and sing like a corncrake. It must come from your side of the family.

I am at home all the time at the moment as I’m having a few problems going outside.  I haven’t mentioned it to Mum and Dad as I don’t want to worry them, but the thought of walking Amy to school brings me out in a cold sweat.  I yearned for the day when I would be free, but now I am I find I’m still in a kind of prison of my own making.  I am trying to reason with myself but it is just not working. 

I’m so looking forward to talking to you on the phone.  Of course I’ll be here to receive your call.

Lots of love,

Beth xxx
’

Thursday 25
th
January 11:18am

An email has popped into my inbox.

‘My darling Beth,

It was so wonderful to talk to you just now.  I couldn’t sleep at all last night and by all accounts should feel like shit now, but I’m still on a high.  Patty must have woken up and wondered where I was. She came into the office and found me sitting at my desk at 05:20, patiently waiting for the right time to phone you. 

Thanks so much for the photos of Amy.  I still can’t believe I have a daughter; she’s so beautiful.  Could you get Sally or Robert to take some photos of you and send them to me in your next email please? 

I’m worried that you’re having trouble leaving the house.  Maybe it’s post-natal depression?  You know as well as I do that an anti-depressant will help.  Do it for me; go to the doctor and get checked over. 

I can hear Toby crying.  I will say goodbye for now and will speak again tomorrow.

I love you,

Liam xxxxx
’

My heart skips a beat at his declaration of love.  I want to feel his arms around me, holding me close.  However, I know this is never going to happen, and that I will just have to make do with seeing him on screen.  Life is so unfair.