A House Without Windows (2 page)

I draw a picture of the sea.  Mummy says it’s big and deep and cold, and has different names according to which country it surrounds.  Between France and us is the English Channel.  People swim the English Channel and it’s about 21 miles and it takes them all day.  I can’t swim.  Mummy washes my hair in the sink, but it’s not big enough to swim in.

Jack and Lucy-Ann’s mummy and daddy were killed in a plane crash and they live with a horrible uncle.  Philip and his sister Dinah have a mummy, but she has to work and so they live with their Uncle Jocelyn and Aunt Polly and a servant called Joe in a big half-ruined house with lots of rooms set halfway up a cliff.  I live in a house that’s got only one room, but like me they’ve only got a mummy.

I ask Mummy who my daddy is.  Is it The Man?  Mummy smiles and shakes her head.  She says The Man thinks he’s my daddy, but he’s not.  She says we must never let The Man know that he isn’t my daddy.  She tells me that my real daddy is kind and loving and is a doctor that looks after children.  The word begins with a ‘p’, but I can’t remember how to spell it or say it.  Mummy writes it down for me and gets me to read the word
paediatrician
.  I can almost do it, but it’s a hard word. 

I have a daddy!  I ask Mummy where he is, but she says she doesn’t know.  She tells me she met him when she was at medical school, studying to be a doctor.  She smiles when she talks about him, and says he was already a doctor, but doing more studying to be a children’s doctor.  She says he loved her and she loved him.  They worked at the same hospital and were going to get married, but that was many years ago.  She says his name is Liam Darrah.

How did they get me?  I ask Mummy the question that has been bothering me for some time.  She says they made me out of love, and that Daddy planted a seed inside her that grew into me.  I try and imagine a seed growing into a tree, but instead it’s inside Mummy and it grows into me.  Instead of branches and leaves I have arms, hands and hair.  If I lay on a branch my hair would hang down and parrots could climb up.

I’m hungry.  I ask Mummy when The Man will be bringing us some food, but she says we will have to wait.  I fill our cups up with cold water from the sink, but it doesn’t take away the hunger. He usually brings us food when we’ve been asleep for a long time, and then again twice more before we have go to sleep again.  I don’t want to read because my stomach’s growling.  Yesterday he brought us fish and chips because he said it was Friday.  How does he know?  Mummy says you can tell what day it is when you’re outside because there are calendars and watches and newspapers, and it’s bright during the day and dark at night.  It’s not bright in our house or dark either.  It only gets dark if the light bulb wears out, and then I have to cuddle Mummy until The Man comes again and puts another one in.

When I hear the keys jangling and the bolt being pulled across and footsteps then I know The Man will bring us food.  He always seems to bring something to eat when we’re hungry.  Sometimes I can smell the food before he unlocks the door if it’s hot, but sometimes he brings sandwiches that don’t smell of anything.  That usually means it’s going to be cheese or ham.  I hate cheese.  It’s rubbery and floppy when you pick it out of the bread and hold it between your fingers.  Mummy tells me off if I don’t eat everything, but sometimes I can manage to put the cheese up my sleeve and flush it down the toilet later on, although once it wouldn’t flush and kept coming back in the toilet bowl. 

When we get hungry Mummy plaits my hair and ties it up and I plait hers, because she knows The Man will come soon.  She says she doesn’t want The Man to see our hair all loose and hanging down, but I don’t know why.  Today he brings us chicken pie, mash and peas.  He says hello to me but I don’t want to answer.  Mummy says thank you but doesn’t look up at him.  He puts the plates of food down and picks up the dirty ones from breakfast, and then he goes away and locks the door. 

We eat without saying anything.  When I’m full and can’t eat any more pie I push the plate away and open my reading book again. 

Jack and Lucy-Ann’s uncle has broken his leg and doesn’t want them home for the rest of the school holidays, so he sends money to Jack’s school to pay for them to stay there until their new school term begins. They pretend they’re going to see Philip off on the train when he goes home, and at the last minute they jump on board the train and go with him to Craggy-Tops by the sea.  Joe the servant picks them up at the station in his car. The school sends the money on to Craggy-Tops, and they live with Philip and Dinah’s Aunt Polly and Uncle Jocelyn instead for the holidays.  Jack is dying to see the seabirds, and Lucy-Ann just wants to be with Jack. 

I ask Mummy what trains and cars are.  She says they get people from one place to another faster than if they had to walk.  I’d like to see a train and a car.

I want to go to Craggy-Tops with Philip, Jack, Lucy-Ann and Kiki the parrot.  I don’t want to stay in my boring house any more.  I want to see my daddy who looks after children.  I want him to look after me.  Mummy always says I want too much, and that want doesn’t get. 

CHAPTER 4

When I get too tired to read any more Mummy tells me it’s time to clean my teeth and have a wash at the sink.  The Man gives us toothpaste, soap, and clean flannels and towels.  My towel is white with a green edging all the way around it.  Mummy says she misses having a bath every day.  I’ve never had a bath, but she says there’s lots of water in it like the sea so I wouldn’t like to have one in case I drown. 

I get into bed and in my head I can hear the sea splashing all up the windows of Craggy-Tops.  There’s a picture of it in the book.  Aunt Polly lets the boys sleep on a mattress in the tower room, and Jack looks out of the window over to the Isle of Gloom and sees all the birds flying around outside. 

I look around and I can’t see any windows.  When I ask Mummy why we don’t have any windows she says that the house wasn’t built with any.  I really want to see what’s outside, but Mummy says Edwin wouldn’t like us to go out, and it would make him really angry if we tried to leave the house. 

I lie on my back in the bed and look up at the light bulb.  It flickers a little bit and I’m frightened in case it goes out.  Mummy strokes my hair and says she will always be there and that I’ll never be alone.  I close my eyes and pretend I’m in the tower room at Craggy-Tops, looking over the sea towards the Isle of Gloom.  Joe the servant told the children that nasty things happen on the island and that they mustn’t go there. 

They’re not allowed to go to the island, and I’m not allowed to go outside.

Suddenly I’m awake and I sit up and panic because I can’t see anything.  I need a wee and I’m blind.  Mummy wakes up next to me in bed, hears me crying, and puts her arms around me.  She says that the light bulb has gone out and that Edwin needs to bring another one.  I tell her I need a wee badly and she takes my hand and very slowly we climb out of bed and stand up. 

I can’t see where to go.  Mummy says to hold her hand because she knows where the toilet is.  I shake with fear. We walk very slowly in the dark and Mummy finds it.  I feel the cold seat and lift up my nightie with one hand and clutch Mummy’s hand with the other.  It’s hard to wipe myself afterwards, but I manage it. 

As we creep along back to bed I wonder where the toilet is at Craggy-Tops.  Are the corridors dark at night with no electricity? Does Jack have to wake up Philip and ask him where it is?  Does he have to take an oil lamp with him to the toilet? Does Lucy-Ann know where the toilet is?  What if there isn’t a toilet?  How did they flush the toilet when the water had to be drawn up from a well in the yard?

I cuddle Mummy and I fall asleep again.  When we wake up it’s not worth getting out of bed because we can’t see anything.  I reach under the bed and grab my book.  We have to wait for The Man.  I listen for the bolt being pulled back on the other door, and his keys in the door to our house.  When he comes in Mummy asks him for another light bulb and he goes out and locks the door again.  We wait for him to come back and I clutch my reading book to my chest in the dark, feeling its thick pages.  It’s nice to hold the book, even though I can’t read it.

The Man comes back with a torch and some food and changes the light bulb.  Mummy asks if we can keep the torch.  The Man smiles at me when the light comes on, but I look away.  I feel The Man’s eyes staring at me, and he says that if I smile at him I would be able to keep the torch. 

I don’t know what to do.  I look at Mummy but she has a smile that’s fixed on her face.  I want to keep the torch in case the light bulb breaks again, so I clutch my book and smile at The Man, and he reaches out and gives me the torch.  Mummy asks have I forgotten my manners, so I thank him and look down at the torch, which is still warm from where he’d been holding it.

The Man goes away and locks the door.  We eat our breakfast without really saying much.  I’m worried in case Mummy is angry because I smiled at The Man, but when I ask her she says that I did the right thing.  We have a torch to use now if the light bulb goes out again.

The Man pulls the bolt back on the other door again soon after we’ve eaten.  Mummy tells me to go and sit on the toilet, and I grab my book and run when I hear his keys jangling outside.  I feel safe on the toilet with my book, even though there isn’t a door, because he doesn’t usually try and find me.

This time I don’t want to look around the corner.  I can’t hear anything, just the rustling of material, grunting, and the noise of the bedsprings.  When I hear his footsteps going towards the door I hear Mummy asking him for towels and nappy bags because she says her period is due.  The Man doesn’t say anything.

What’s a nappy bag?  When she comes to find me I hold up our towels and tell her The Man brought us some.  She shakes her head and tells me that she wants a different kind of towel, one that I’ll have to use when I’m a bit older.  She says all girls have to use them once they get to about twelve or thirteen years of age. I ask her if I can see one, and she says I’ll have to wait until Edwin brings them and then she’ll show one to me. 

Mummy has a tummy ache.  She lies on the bed and clutches at her stomach.  I ask her if she’s eaten something nasty, but she shakes her head and says she has a period.  I don’t know what she means, so she explains about girls’ bodies making eggs that either turn into babies or they don’t.  If they don’t, then the body gets rid of the unwanted egg.  It comes out when a girl does a wee, and there’s a lot of blood but it’s normal.  Sometimes there would be a lot of pain and other times there wouldn’t be, but all girls keep getting rid of eggs from about the age of twelve until they grow really old at about 50. 

That’s a lot to think about.  I’m about 7, 8 or 9, but I don’t think I’m going to get any periods.  I don’t really want them because they don’t sound very nice, and I’m sure that Dinah and Lucy-Ann don’t have periods because they never talk about them, or towels or eggs.   Mummy took a towel out of the packet that The Man brought and showed me.  It’s long and thick, and you have to put it between your legs and then put your knickers on.  Ugh, it’s horrible. 

Mummy has to keep running to the toilet when she has a period.  I see that she puts the towels she has used into babies’ nappy bags and puts them in the rubbish bin. She ties the handles of the bags really tightly together.  After a few days she smiles again and says her tummy ache has gone, and then I’m happy because I have my normal mummy back again.

When Mummy has a tummy ache she doesn’t do any exercises, and The Man doesn’t come down and creak the bedsprings.  When her period goes she says I have to keep using all my muscles, and she shows me how to do sit-ups and handstands and shoulder stands.  We have to jog on the spot for ages and it’s boring.  I can hear my heart beating fast and she says that’s good, but I say it’s bad because I’d rather sit down with my reading book or add up lots of numbers in my head.  My head is full of numbers and words that I have to write down before I forget them all.

I know The Man will soon be coming back again and I’ll have to sit on the toilet and try to read my book.  I don’t know why I have to sit on the toilet when the bedsprings are creaking, but I think next time I’m going to have another look.  I hear him pulling back the bolt on the door outside.

Jack wanted to have a closer look at The Isle of Gloom, even though Joe had told him that bad things went on there.  He knew the seabirds would be tame because nobody lived there now and the birds were not used to seeing people.  He wanted to go to the island and see if there were any rare birds and take photos, but Joe wouldn’t lend out his boat.

I wonder if it would be fun to go on a boat? I wouldn’t want to go to the Isle of Gloom though, because it sounds too scary.  One day I’ll get Mummy and Daddy to take me on a boat ride. 

The book is really exciting and even though The Man came in and started to creak the bedsprings I didn’t care, and I couldn’t wait to see what was on the next page.  I took the torch into the toilet and shone it on the pages. The boys had fallen through a hole in the floor of a cave into a secret tunnel, and had lit a candle because like me they couldn’t see anything.  Kiki didn’t like the dark.  My torch picked out the words as they crept along the tunnel that ended at a wall and a trapdoor above their heads.  Philip climbed up on Jack and got through the trapdoor, and then he hauled Jack up.  Then Philip recognised they were in one of the cellars at Craggy-Tops; one he hadn’t been in before.  They can’t get out because the door is locked, and then they have to hide because they hear Joe’s footsteps coming towards the cellar door and opening it.

Mummy comes into the toilet looking sad and says that she needs a wee.  That was annoying because I was in Craggy-Tops’ cellar with my torch.  Mummy takes the torch away and says it’s time for my lessons and that we have to save the battery in case the light bulb goes out.  I go and sit on the bed and pretend I’m in the same cellar as Philip and Jack, and that The Man’s footsteps are Joe’s.  He’s just as nasty as Joe anyway, so I’m going to call him Joe now. I have a look around my house, but Joe’s gone.