A Kiss of Lies (21 page)

Sarah furrowed her brow. “It isn’t good to bottle everything up. The sea is calmest before the storm.”

He raised his eyebrows and looked away. “Often, once unleashed, the storm becomes too wild.”

“Look at me!” Sarah walked to stand in front of Christian. “You were hurt, disillusioned, and angry tonight. You lashed out. But you didn’t stay angry. You didn’t let the anger consume you.”

“I frightened you.”

She smiled. “You did.” Moving closer, she sat next to him and draped her arm around his shoulders. “But if I wasn’t so damaged, I’d remember men have arguments. People have arguments and tempers flare. Not all arguments end in extreme violence, death, mayhem … As I said, sometimes it’s good to clear the air.”

He turned his face to press a little kiss into her palm. “You’re not damaged.”

She dropped her gaze from his and whispered, “You have no idea.” He cupped her cheek and raised her head. She shook free of his hold and smiled. “It was Sebastian you wanted to destroy, not me. Besides, you’ve shown that you’d never physically hurt me.”

He let out a low snort. “I’ve done nothing of the kind.”

Sarah gazed tenderly at him. “You could have forced yourself on me when I came to your room the very first night. At first I thought you were asleep the whole time, but now … you were pretending, weren’t you?”

“I thought you were a dream,” he said in stark, quiet honesty, a rueful smile tugging at his lips.

She giggled and slapped his knee. “Still, on the ship you could have taken advantage of me. You knew how fragile I was, how raw, how much I needed to be healed. But you behaved
like a true gentleman, even when you were aroused.”

“Just looking at you arouses me.”

She ran her fingers through his silky hair. “Then we will have no more talk of apologies. We will start afresh. Let’s promise to talk to each other if we ever feel confused.” He moved his arm and placed it around her waist, drawing her closer. She pressed on. “Tell me about your father and this notorious Markham temper.”

Bleakness invaded his face. “I’m not sure you’re ready to hear this story. Anyone weaker or not in a position to fight an earl was fair game.” He hesitated before adding, “Especially women. Are you sure you want to hear more?”

She nodded. “I want to know the things that happened in your life. The things that shaped you into the man you are today. I already know about your valor on the battlefield. Lady Serena heard that you were considered a great commander and leader of men.”

“I had a lot to make up for. My father was the least honorable man I have ever known.” He laughed drearily. “He ruled with intimidation. The servants lived in fear of his rages and punishments.”

“What of you? Did he mistreat you?” she asked softly.

Christian briefly closed his eyes, a pained expression on his face. “No. I never bore the brunt of his temper. He never once hit me or disciplined me. At first I was pleased not to incur his wrath, but then … I saw how the staff looked at me. They looked at me as if I were my father. They were too scared to speak to me, let alone befriend a lonely boy. I grew up in solitary confinement.”

“What about friends?”

“I had no friends until I was sent to school. All the neighboring families knew what my father was like, and refused to let their children come to the house. Occasionally I’d get invited to their homes, but the children would taunt me to try and make the infamous Markham temper explode.”

Sarah petted him, smoothing his black forelock out of his eyes, offering silent, uncomplicated sympathy.

He drew in a deep breath. “I hated the fact I was spared. I wanted to help those around me and shield them from harm, but I couldn’t understand how I could help when they wouldn’t let me. They branded me evil without giving me a chance to prove I wasn’t.”

“Your father must have loved you very much if he singled you out.”

“Hardly,” he said dryly. “It was guilt. I look like my mother.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I barely remember her,” he whispered bleakly. “I was six years old when she died. I can scarcely recall what she looked like, but I do remember her perfume—lavender—and the way she’d cuddle me close if I was ill or hurt. She lit up the nursery when she came to visit. All the staff loved her. She was gentle, quiet, and compassionate—all the things my father wasn’t.”

Sarah was quiet for a moment. Even though Sebastian had told her, she knew Christian had to say it, to speak of it. “How did she die?” Outwardly she sat very still, but inwardly she cried for the young boy he’d been.

He closed his eyes and tipped his head back. “At the hands of my father,” he said, anguish clear in every note.

“An accident?”

She flinched at the pain underlying his whisper, and she let him feel for her hand and grip it tightly. “I’ve never told anyone apart from Grayson and Sebastian. I was too young at the time to understand, but Roberts, my father’s butler, told me years later. Father beat her and then pushed her down the stairs at Henslowe Court.” Christian just looked at her, his eyes filled with sadness. “When I reached manhood, I couldn’t confront him because of what he might do to Roberts. But Father knew I knew. He could not look me in the eye, and he began to drink even more, which made it worse for everyone. So, finally, I left. I left home and joined the cavalry. Fighting to help defeat Boney helped ease the anger and helplessness burning inside me.”

She pressed a chaste kiss on his lips and he pulled her onto his lap. She wrapped her arms around his neck and regarded him matter-of-factly. “You are nothing like your father. You take after your mother in more than looks. You’re gentle, kind, compassionate …”

“God, I hope so, because there’s more. He did terrible things. I pray every day that I don’t have his bad blood coursing through my veins.”

“What could be worse than killing your mother?” she asked in shocked surprise.

“I have at least one half sister that I know of.”

“Know of?” She knew whatever he was about to say was terrible, for his muscles tightened beneath her fingers.

“When I was ten years old, I used to play hide-and-seek with the governess. During one
of the games I’d hidden in the linen cupboard, unbeknown to my father. He dragged a maid inside the room and raped her. He discharged her from service when she was big with his child. She threw herself off a bridge soon after the child was born.”

Sarah stilled in his arms, nausea churning in her stomach. His father was a rapist. Her mind rebelled at the thought of Christian being this man’s son, but they were very different. She admired how honorable he was, considering his upbringing. He’d been born to privilege and power but did not abuse it. He wore his status with pride and humility, knowing that being wealthy and a peer did not necessarily make a person a good man.

“Once my father died, I tracked down my half sister and offered to stand by her and support her, but she’d have none of me. Not that I blamed her. I send her money, I will provide her with a considerable dowry should she marry, and we write to each other occasionally. I don’t know how many others are out there. Their fate constantly haunts me.”

“It’s admirable that you want to right so many wrongs, but you are not responsible for your father’s mistakes.”

Christian stroked a hand down her arm. “That is easy for you to say. I should have done more.”

“As a woman, I know how powerless women can be made to feel.”

He asked, “Your marriage?”

She nodded. “On my husband’s tobacco plantation, I tried to help the slaves. He mistreated them terribly. The first few weeks I was constantly ill, fearful that I’d go mad living with the unfairness of their lives and the parallel that could be found to mine. I was owned, as they were.” Her eyes filled with unshed tears. “Then Pippa, one of the household slaves, told me I shouldn’t feel guilty about circumstances I could not change. The fact I tried was enough.” She pressed her palms to her eyes, willing the tears not to fall, and quietly said, “The fact I couldn’t change my situation, or theirs, only made it worse. The powerlessness ate at me. I withered away as if struck by a cankerous disease.”

“Let’s hope your husband is getting what he deserved where he has gone.”

She started. “I beg your pardon?”

He frowned. “He died. If you believe in a heaven, then there must be a hell.”

She shivered in the humid air. “Is it awful of me to hope he’s suffering?”

He kissed the top of her head and murmured against her hair, “No. I’m glad we’ve talked.
I’m hoping my behavior this evening won’t make you leave my employ. Lily—Lily and I—will be very disappointed if I have driven you away.”

She softened her tone, to cushion the blow of what she was about to say. “You have no right to be jealous of me. I do not belong to you. I thought that I was quite clear on that point.”

“I know I have no claim on you. I know your freedom is very important to you. I shall try to keep my feelings of inadequacy under control and rein in my jealous tendencies.”

This time she allowed herself to smile. “You have no reason to feel inadequate. You are the only man I have willingly shared myself with, ever. I did not come to that decision lightly.”

Sarah couldn’t believe how blind she’d been. Here was an honorable man. A man who seemed as lost in this world as she was. A man who, like her, was looking for something—someone—to fulfill his life. She knew she could never be that someone for him, an earl. But she looked forward to the voyage to England and sharing a little of herself with him. She looked forward, with more desire than she thought possible, to the prospect of learning all about passion from this man.

He lifted her hand to his lips and pressed a chaste kiss to her fingers. “I’m honored, truly. I shall endeavor to earn back your trust and respect, for I treasure the gift you bestowed on me last night. Please say you’ll give me a chance to know everything about you and, at the same time, share everything about myself with you.” She saw his throat work hard to swallow. “Will you give me—our relationship—another chance?” he said, hurrying his words. “We can take it slowly, and leave off the physical aspect until we are comfortable with each other.”

“What if I don’t wish to wait?” she teased.

His face lit with a radiant smile. It was a smile that tugged at her heart and sent her pulse racing. He stood and walked to the bed, depositing her gently on the covers. “I am at your command. You may set the pace, and I shall eagerly follow.”

His words sent a flood of warmth through her. She’d never been in a relationship of her choosing. It felt nice to be wanted, but most of all it was glorious to be respected. It was wonderful to be listened to attentively, to be apologized to sincerely, and, above all, not be treated as a mere possession to command. She knelt, reached up, and kissed his cheek. “Thank you.”

“No. Thank you.” He bowed from the waist. “I shall leave you to rest. We’ll be leaving early tomorrow.”

“I hope we are not leaving Jamaica because of any misunderstanding with Sebastian?”

He shook his head. “No. Sebastian’s news from Grayson was not what I had hoped. It’s imperative that I get back to England as soon as possible. The longer I wait, the harder it will be to clear my name.” He made his way to the door, and suddenly she didn’t want him to leave. She wanted him to stay and make love to her.

Too scared to ask directly, she rose from the bed and said, “Would you like me to rub some liniment on your shoulder before you go?”

He hesitated at the door and gave her a look that would melt an iceberg. “I’m not sure that would be wise. I’m finding it hard to resist you.”

She let her actions speak for her. She undid the tie to her robe and let it slip onto the floor, revealing her sheer white shift.

“Moments ago you said you’d follow my lead. Tonight I want to show you that you have no need to be jealous or feel inadequate. I agreed to be your lover for the duration of this voyage because I desire you. Let me pleasure you tonight.”

His grip tightened on the door latch, his knuckles turning white. Then, slowly, he closed it.

With his back to her he asked, “I want you so badly. I’m not sure I can control—”

She quickly crossed the room, taking his hand to lead him back toward the bed. “I’m doing this for me.” She undid his cravat and began removing his jacket. “I’ve never had the freedom to be in control, to do as I please, or want.” In this heat, he wore no waistcoat under his jacket, so she pressed her lips to the expanse of defined muscle she’d just exposed as he helped her lift his shirt up and over his head.

“Will you allow me to be in command?”

He stood looking down at her, his eyes swirling shades of green, hot with desire. “Relinquishing control to a beautiful woman, that’s my definition of heaven!” He reached for her. “However, I’m a better leader than follower, and I’m quite sure you’ll appreciate the difference.” And he took her lips in a deeply arousing kiss.

Her gaze dropped to his lips. “Make love to me.”

He breathed in sharply. “Thank God! I’ve wanted you since the first night you came to my room.”

She smiled seductively and drew her shift up and over her head.

Christian drank in her nakedness. “Beautiful!” His voice was hoarse with desire. He licked his lips, and hope and rampant need flared within his soul.

“I’m not an expert in giving pleasure, so you may have to guide me, but you will allow me free rein.”

He could only nod in agreement, for his mouth had gone dry. To his utter astonishment, Sarah dropped to her knees in front of him and began to unfasten his trousers. The brush of her slender fingers through the material as she worked at the buttons was excruciatingly arousing, and his member pulsed with a pounding blood flow, hardening him further. He almost gasped out loud as she finally tugged open the last button and freed his erection.

“Sarah,” he said hoarsely as she began to stroke his cock, her caresses making his entire body tremble. “This is such sweet torture.”

Wiping a bead of semen from the engorged tip, she uttered, “I’ve never explored a man before. I’ve never wanted to. You make me want to learn every inch of you.” She smiled up at him, a sensual siren replacing the nervous woman of last night. She slipped her finger in her mouth. “You taste … nice,” she said artlessly, staring at his erection with open curiosity. He watched her regarding him studiously, and he’d never seen anything so arousing. She was a sensual, naked siren, revealing lush curves and flowing fair hair. His balls tightened painfully.