A Kosher Dating Odyssey: One Former Texas Baptist's Quest for a Naughty & Nice Jewish Girl (9 page)

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Authors: van Wallach

Tags: #Relationships, #Humor, #Topic, #Religion, #Personal Memoirs, #Biography & Autobiography

BOOK: A Kosher Dating Odyssey: One Former Texas Baptist's Quest for a Naughty & Nice Jewish Girl
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One intro email says:

 

Dear Tex:
I’ve always liked bald men. (My three favorite people in the world were/are bald: my brother, my father, my grandfather). But what I really like are smart men. On a par with that are kind men. That you like the arts and culture, even better. And best, you seem to like helping others. And (does it get any better?) you’re Jewish too!
I love your photos. You’ve inspired me to put some of my nature shots up on my profile. You sound like a life-long learner. Me too. What are currently writing about? I’m studying in a helping profession (my contribution to
tikkun
olam
) [a Hebrew term that means “repair the world”]. I also perform classical music.
Sorry this is a bit disjointed. I’ve read too many profiles today, but yours is a stand out. Hope you will look mine over and respond.

 

P.S. What a romantic quote. Is it James Joyce?

 

Being straight about my interest in Judaism also connected me to a very specific dating cohort: women rabbis. Some were full-time pulpit rabbis, while others combined their rabbinic background with another career, such as therapy or social work. Whatever the background, we always had plenty to talk about.

One rabbi—now happily married—gave me a tefillin set (defined earlier as black straps with black boxes containing Bible verses that Jews wear during morning services on weekdays) that I use when I attend the Sunday morning minyan at my synagogue. I let her know I how touched I was by the gift and I use it and always think of her.

Another observation: women rabbis always host excellent seders. I know from experience. They’re rabbis! They’re women! Would you expect anything less?

The only downside to dating a rabbi—when you go with her to a Jewish event she’ll typically get sidetracked talking to a colleague, leaving you to your own devices for a quarter-hour or more. I know from experience.

When women and I connected through Judaism, we often shared other interests. A passion for faith translated into connections involving creativity, languages and social issues.

For example, K in Connecticut, a slender, athletic redhead and educator, wrote me:

 

I don’t know if you will get this email since you are not a paying member. We chatted the other night. I wished you
Spaconi
Nochi
[goodnight in Russian]. I love that you speak Russian and that you have such a strong Jewish identity. I also love the literary in you and your kind smile. We have many common interests. You seem chivalrous and just the sort of person who has the passion for life that I am looking for. You aren’t afraid to show yourself and be involved in your Judaism. I would look forward to chatting more with you.

 

K and I dated several times and I thought highly of her. I still fondly remember our first date at a Thai restaurant in New Haven. I escorted her back to her car in a parking garage late at night, which she appreciated. No romance happened. She wanted a man without young children, and she found what she wanted. I met her husband at a party that they held before moving to another region. She still sends me updates on her life there and I’ve given her job leads.

What drew me to a profile? I always liked women who were educated and articulate. But being blessed with XY chromosomes, I’m as visual as the next guy. Photos first grabbed my attention. A woman could write random ALL-CAPS gibberish ... with mindless ... ellipses ... and text talk LOL ROFLMA ((((hugs))))) OMG smiley face, but with attractive photos, she’ll still get rapt attention from guys who grow dizzy with desire at the sight of a well-turned ankle. That included me. Guys want to gobble the eye candy before they glance at the radishes and rutabaga.

 

No photo generally meant bad news in the appearance department, although I was always willing to accommodate women who, for work reasons, didn’t want their photos online. These were the therapists, social workers and criminal defense attorneys. Otherwise, I had an innate ability to pick out profiles of Russians, Iranians and Latinas everywhere; it must have been the dramatic eye makeup and Slavic/Hispanic pouts (recall that my first post-marriage date was with the perfectly packaged Nadezhda). Just about every woman I ever wrote to with those backgrounds responded to me, and vice versa. Women from Israel, while great looking, never really connected, unless they were Americans who had moved there.

I often liked the pictures and never contacted the women. I appreciate a snug sundress or evening gown as much as the next guy, but I can tell when I have zero chance of a response. And if a profile clearly indicated I wouldn’t make the grade (height, location, career, kid issues) then I wouldn’t write. But I could enjoy a stroll through the candy shop. However, I found hundreds of women worth a contact; beyond the photos, what appealed to me? Here is a fanciful best-of profile that pulls together all themes I liked, mixed with a dollop of wishful thinking:

 

I am looking for a smart, creative man who is passionate about life and see the humor (and the irony) in what we experience each day. Please don’t send a tease or a flirt—be a big boy and think for yourself.
The combination of chemistry and compatibility—a mix of friendship, affection, love, and sexual passion—is what I seek. Compassion and strength of character resonate with me, along with warmth, integrity and sincerity. I yearn for a big, open heart and a big, open mind in a worldly man who is generous in spirit and with his emotions. A touch of vulnerability can be sexy.
What about me? Red hair, pale skin, I glow in the dark. My favorite novelists include Anita Shreve and Alan Furst. I’m an interesting combination of warm, eccentric and worldly with a liberal sprinkling of Mother Earth. I am a thinking man’s woman, part angel, part devil. My angel is intelligent, decent, loving, romantic warm and caring. She is classy, feminine, understanding and a giving friend (no, she is not a dog). My devil is brainy, ironical, hot, loves to laugh and can’t stand boredom. I enjoy hiking, live music and being with interesting creative types who remind me that my gray matter matters. For movies, I like indie foreign or classics with good scripts and interesting characters ... Shabbat candles are lit weekly and I am committed to living a Jewish life, including being in touch with my spirituality, growing through learning, doing mitzvoth and giving back to the community. I like to reserve my shabbat afternoons for private times with my special somebody.
I can dress just right for a day at the beach, an evening at the opera and especially for midnight with you. I enjoy being a woman and I could give Joan Holloway on
Mad Men
a run for the money. You’ll find toe-cleavage shoes in my closet, just be warned.
On our first date, we’ll know we have something special when the conversation suddenly leads to a meeting of the eyes in recognition that you can talk to me, and I to you, the way you really are and think.
The relationship I want would involve spending weekends and holidays and certainly Jewish holidays/Friday evenings together and paying lots of attention to each other. We would have a relationship that’s a harbor from the world’s troubles. There should be mutual admiration and trust, and acceptance and understanding of each other’s strengths and weaknesses. We would create a peaceful, welcoming home full of children and guests. We’d laugh, walk, eat and spend quality time together in bed. And not just napping, either.

 

Notable emails sent to me:

 

You do indeed sound interesting, creative and enlightened—and I know there aren’t that many of you out there; however, your face bears a resemblance to my ex’s and that’s something I cannot feel comfortable with at this juncture in my post divorcehood.

 

Thanks for your compliments. If truth be known, I’m actually 62, and MUCH too old for you. I wish you lots of luck, though, in your search.

 

Thanks for taking my comments about the child support seriously, it does mean a lot to me as a measurement of the man.

 

HAHAHAHAH I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! I WANT TO MEET YOU. I feel running my heart because of you, you are guilty.

 

Hi Van/Ze’ev. You were very candid in your profile and in our email conversation the other night so I thought I’d tell you a bit more about myself—this time without the generous handholding and comforting anonymity offered by our Cyrano the Reading Specialist [the woman writing this email was looking at men with a friend who actually had a profile, hence the literary reference to a go-between] ... Like you, I like to read and write, am interested in matters of spirit, strive to behave ethically and with compassion, and enjoy literature, philosophy, the arts and Jewish thought, symbolism, custom and culture. I am blessed with wonderful friends—most of them, at the moment, women. I noticed that some people’s profiles focused on what they like to do (doesn’t everybody like watching the sun set, having candlelit dinners and taking long walks on the beach?), what kinds of clothes they like to wear, or what kind of bodies they have. And then they list the hobbies, fashion sense and body types they require of their prospective mates. I liked your profile because, like the one I intend to write if I ever get to that stage, it seemed to offer a peek at your essence rather than your shell ....

 

For the record, simplicity and a winning smile can be enough to lead to a great connection. My Significant Other simply said this on her profile:

 

I am honest, stable, creative, nice, a loyal friend, plus a good listener. I love to go to the movies, listen to music (singer/songwriters), go to a museum, walk, and am looking forward to having more time for travel.

And you know what? What she says in her profile is exactly what we do and share. It was as simple as that.

 

Chapter 6
The Functional Value of Heartbreak, or, Vendetta and the Swan

Much as in a job interview, the stories we tell on dates are designed to make good first impressions. In fact, so much of this adult dating stuff seemed like nothing more than the recitation of preset narratives. Two people become acquainted and, as they proceed, start talking. Initially, conversations rarely progress beyond the standard questions posed and reliable answers proffered. If the elusive chemistry exists, the masks slip down and less polished selves may emerge. Then the real connection begins.

That “real connection” happened very few times in my online dating journey. We clicked and I could sense potential, the first rustling of distilled hope and longing against a background of increasingly mechanical introductions. A woman and I would talk and share, or, if we lived close enough (not always the case), actually meet and stroll through the city or a park. We would reveal jagged bits of biography to signal trust, a willingness to explore what our contact could become. Those bits, I discovered, could also be a warning: beware.

I recall one lingering summer afternoon picnic on a lake with a woman I’ll call the Swan. After stop-and-go contacts, the warmth of the encounter convinced me that we both had our hearts pointed in the same direction. To my shock, she leaned over and kissed me and I finally got the message. But later, standing in the parking lot, the Swan remarked, “I could bolt at any time.” I remembered but ignored this comment, so laden with prophecy.

And bolt she did. Call it a matter of timing, of circumstance, of appearance, or simply, “She’s just not that into you.” The exact recipe of the fatal brew does not matter; I’ve always thought that if there’s a will, there’s a way, and for one of us the will was not there. Our fitful migrations into each other’s lives left me feeling buoyant and then, always, bereft and abandoned. Similar possibilities flickered and ended—throttled by distance, hesitation, self-delusion, misunderstandings, the competition. I sketch some of those stories elsewhere. I had my share of stunned surprises staring at the final email, the last blunt conversation, the ceiling at midnight. And I caused my own share of disappointment and confusion.

Yet I found that heartbreak carries a functional value. I’ve hung around management consultants enough in my career to adapt their world view. I sometimes think in terms of costs and benefits, the bottom line, the so-what learned from a situation, moving from the current state to a future state. Could I ever find the ultimate MECE relationship, that is, “mutually exclusive and collectively exhaustive”? (MECE is a grouping principle that management consultants use to find solutions to client problems. Come to think of it, a durable relationship should, in fact, be mutually exclusive and collectively exhaustive, don’t you think?) Never one to know when to hold ’em and when to fold ’em, I would construct a flow chart of romance through project-management milestones, digressions, decision trees and quantitative analyses. That net-net value of heartbreak and experience emerged in response to questions that singles like to ask. Over the years, my dates were curious about what had worked and failed, my online experiences, my emotional engagement, what I was seeking. Did I date much? Did anything click?

Such questions are more than light banter at Starbucks. While I was once memorably called a “self-involved prick who just doesn’t get it,” I actually do have some basic insights into the dynamics of dating and the human condition. These kinds of questions are anything but casual time-killers; I’ve read enough Deborah Tannen books to know about rapport talk and the urge to connect. They aim to sound out my past and intentions, my goals, my hopes, my wariness and openness. After initial hesitation to talk about the past, I learned to combine honesty and discretion. When asked, I replied, “Yes, I had some things that looked promising. We really connected. But the timing wasn’t right. They just didn’t work out.”

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