A Life Plan Without You. (57 page)

“It was me who reached out to you Sam, I wouldn’t let that
bitch put her hands on you, but you pulled away and then fucking
Zoë put her arms around you and I didn’t feel like you wanted me?
You really thought Zoë was me? So then you didn’t know I’d left
you? Zoë shoved me out of the way she smiled as she did it too. You
were already upset at her being back in your life, so I walked
away, because I really thought you still loved her. I didn't want
to lose you, not to her. Andy looked at what Zoë was doing too, and
wondered what she was doing. He knew that she had pushed me out of
the way to comfort you and that was my place not hers. I didn’t get
a chance to put my arms around you again, she wasn't for moving and
she knows you better than me, everyone it seems knows you better
than me.”

“No, she must be wearing your perfume? So I didn’t realise not
until I put my arm over hers, and they weren’t yours, she held me
so tightly and I couldn’t see you just smell you, I thought we were
fine. Then, when I finally calmed down. I panicked then I asked
where you were, she laughed and said you’d gone to sulk. Andy told
me you had actually run off crying and he’d gone to follow, but you
weren’t outside, he didn’t want to leave me.

I ran to your favourite run to place, couldn’t see you, so
well I came here, I found you. I love you Michelle, really I do, I
can’t do this anymore though, I want you in my life, but can’t do
that with you yet, I want to I really want to, but what if you too
break my heart all over again and leave me? It would be worse this
time because I can’t live without you.”

Shit, he was screwed up from what she had done to him and I
was catching the fallout from what that spiteful cow had done to
him, but looking in his eyes I could see the sadness, his touch
said he loved me his words too, though they were cutting me in two.
I cried again, and then I processed what he had just said, shit he
was dumping me.

“Cazzo vaffanculo, let me get this straight, so you’re dumping
me just in case I completely lose the plot and cheat on you. Is
that it?” I'm as mad as hell I’m falling apart because he’s
insecure about me, shit my heads hurting, perhaps he’s right I’m
not ready to deal with all this crap?

“I love you too much Michelle, perhaps this is too much, too
soon for you, I’m too much for you, I will back off and leave you
alone. You’re not ready I can see that now.” I got up, continuing
my rant at him. Oh, my giddy aunt how can I be in love with him? My
fella is ohhh he’s in for the biggest Missy-fit ever, because my
angel is a fucking moron.

“You don’t really know me at all then. You love me too much
this is all too much, too soon? So Sam you're dumping me? Like hell
you are, that’s a load of tosh. If you loved me at all yet alone as
much as you say you do you would be fighting for us, but no run
away Sam, leave me… Hells teeth Samuel-Fucking-Todd you can’t leave
me you love me too much. You watched me for months not the other
way around, so go screw yourself Samuel Todd, you love me too much
just to dump me, don’t bloody kid yourself you will sleep with me,
because you love me and it’s what I want. Sam all this would go
away if I had a stupidly expensive ring on my finger would
it?

Well tough… I’m too young and too stupid to marry you. I think
tonight proves we’re not ready to get married. There have been too
many lies and too many secrets. So yes you’re right, we go our
separate way now, before I fall so deeply in love with you, that I
can’t think straight when I’m not with you, miss you when I can’t
hear you or smell you or touch you. Oh wait… It’s too sodding late
for that too because I already love you all those ways. Sam, you
are a bloody idiot, I don’t just want to have sex with just anyone
because if I did I could go in there and get anyone to fuck me, if
that’s what I wanted? You’ve seen the looks I get, I know for a
fact that both of your fucking brothers would do it me and in a
heartbeat.”

Stick that one in your pipe Samuel-Fucking-Todd. Oh, this
feels so good and oh so overdue, my rant at him continued, my voice
getting louder, all the time, and my hands waving in the air and
pointing, gosh I was in a little bit of a bad mood…

“It will be easy as crap to get anyone else to fuck me Sam
dead easy, but I don’t want that, I want you just you. Fuck knows
why though you’re damned hard work? You will spend thousands on
jewellery, clothes, days and nights out and the thing I want more
than all that is the biggest thing you can give me, it’s that
commitment thing you want here’s the kicker Sam I want it too and
you. I told you if we did that it would be forever. I don’t lie Sam
are you that fucking dumb you didn’t realise that was like saying
yes I would marry you, how many times have I told you I won’t give
it to just anyone, one man only would get that and keep me and that
was you, you fucking moron.

I wanted you that way, and not all the crap you buy me, just
to buy yourself more time until you decide if I’m worthy enough of
getting what all the girls in heaven have sodding had! I want you
and just you not the cop out gifts you get me, but fuck knows why,
so right what to do then? Should I go in there and prove it seeing
as your dumping me, is this what you want Sam? So help me Jesus if
I walk away I won’t be coming back ever. That much I can promise
you Sam!

I can’t tell you in any other way than I have just how much I
love you, so I thought giving myself to you would prove just how
much I loved you, but no you it seems don’t see it like that, you
see it as a tool for me to get my claws into you, fuck you use you
and then dump you. We, it seems, think totally different things
about what the your taking of my gift from me actually meant, it
meant forever Sam it meant I was yours forever...” Crap more tears,
I feel sick again I’m ranting am I making any sense the words are
there I can’t tell him just how much I love him, oh hell I’m going
to throw up, badly, I take a deep breath and wobble on my legs, as
I continue the rant, in for a penny and all that shit…

“I thought, stupidly as it now seems, giving you that gift
would make you mine Sam, nobody else’s just mine. Well that’s what
it would mean to me. Boy, you’re an arsehole and I’m the biggest
poor fool I know for falling so madly and deeply in love with you,
what can I do Sam? I can’t stop loving you and you love me too,
fucking hell I hate this crap, what do I fucking know about love
and sex apart from its killing me, not being able to have you, like
all the those many others have had you, others who, I might add,
you didn’t even profess to fucking love, all the names on toilet
doors can have that but not me, why, why not Sam? Do you not think
I’m screwed up about that, that’s the biggest commitment I will
ever make to someone? You idiot I chose to give you that to just
you, so hahaha lets see who wants the gift I have then shall we,
who do I choose then Andy, James or one of the Jolly’s?”

I walked off and he ran after me and grabbed my arm. He held
me tightly, his eyes bloodshot, his face pale. I have never sworn
as much in my whole life, but he’s making me angrier and angrier. I
shrug myself from his grip and walk off. He grabs me again and I
can’t move from his grip this time. His mouth kisses me hard, I
want to go and then he breaks down in a sea of tears and kisses, we
lose ourselves in the madness, our kisses are wild and hard, if we
were in a room locked away from the world we would be having the
best make-up-sex right now, the feelings zapping throughout my body
are electrifying his too feels the same the tingles and the
friction is weird yet wonderful, this was more way more passionate
and frenzied than first contact alley. We pulled away from each
other breathless and I walk away.

“Stop, no don’t, I don’t want you too, I just can’t lose you,
please don’t Michelle. I want to be the one, I want to be the one
to take your virginity please I would love that gift from you. I
know how much you love me and shit, I’m so happy that’s what giving
me that part of yourself to me means to you, why was I so stupid
you told me enough, sorry Michelle, I’m really sorry I should have
listened properly and told you everything before now, is it too
late for us?

Have I ruined it all? Please Michelle I don’t want anyone
other than you, you’ve changed me. I am nothing without you. I
promise Saturday will be the best night of your life, our life if
you still want me?” His voice no more than a whisper as he held me
tightly. I wanted him now, he had me in his arms kissing me, and I
melted into his body, my tears had turned into chest hurting sobs.
He kissed me gently, shit what was all this? I loved him so much,
but the crap that came with him was too much for me, we needed to
talk, he still had me in his arms when the rain started
falling.

“This celebrating stuff’s hard work, are you supposed to argue
like this because if it is let’s not do any more celebrating crap?
Next month just you and me in a quiet hotel room having sex lots of
sex please? That’s if you’ve taken the fucking, hint yet Mr Todd?”
He wiped my eyes and I wiped his. “This being in love crap, is hard
bloody work, Sam.”

“So there will be a next month then? Yes, yes I’d love that Mi
cielo, all weekend with you in a nice country hotel room, umm so my
commitment was a ring, yours was your gift, shit I am dumb aren’t
I? I should be on my knees begging your forgiveness, but we commit
at the weekend and you girl will accept the ring too afterwards,
that’s the deal breaker! We both need this baby we need each other
and if I had any doubts they disappeared after that very rude wordy
row, you need your mouth washing out you said the f-word quite a
few times baby, considering you don’t swear, you managed that
because of me! ”

“You had it coming and stop with the spending money, too I
have enough dresses and lacy stuff to last ages and I accept the
ring when you give me what I want deal breaker, damn right I want
to wear your ring. I don’t swear a lot but you had that coming, I
love you, you moron. You jumped from idiot to moron, in the space
of two arguments, I have some people to sort out, non-violently and
then you are taking me for food, I’m hungry and nobody is coming
with us.”

“Right how do I get back to hunky boyfriend then? Umm gimmy a
second to figure it out, we need food, hell I want a kiss too and a
bloody hell of a lot more baby girl a hell of a lot more.” He
laughed and I smiled, yes he liked that idea too. He grabbed his
jacket and we headed into Heaven, Shane held me to one
side.

“Are you all right Princess?” I kissed him and spotted her and
her mate, laughing and joking.

“I will be if those two don’t get in, please, she‘s the one
who did this to me, Sam didn’t do anything it was her and my
imagination that’s all.” He escorted Sam and me, down
stairs.

“Those two girls aren't allowed in they are a fight risk,
Rocky here will kill them. Two for my list please Dotty. You two,
are going to be all right, because if I see her like that again
Sam, you won't get a second chance, am I clear?”

“I don’t need another chance, I’m not messing this up again
Shane. We will be fine Shane, really fine in fact, where do I send
the invite to the wedding then?” I looked at him and smiled. I
hoped he was joking, we had a shit night, and he was joking with
Shane about marriage. Andy and Zoë were in with a few of the Jolly
Boys and Carol from last night was in too and with Stuart. I went
to the toilet. Zoë’s face dropped something which Andy noticed
too.

“Drink please Sam a big one.” I sorted my wet hair out and re
did the makeup. I need a wee; did I dare sit on the throne? I went
back and Sam handed me a drink, and I'm sorry to say, it went down
in one, he was smiling down at me. I was still wary about
everything, especially about super stalker Sam. He looked at me I
could see he loved me, but shit, I was new to this stuff and I need
to talk it over with someone, but who which one knew enough about
this crap? None of my friends knew anything about this umm I will
call Michelle I think…

“Dance with me please Mi cielo?” I put his jacket and my bag
next to Zoë. He held me tightly in his arms and looking down into
my eyes before he kissed me, his gentle touch on my lips felt
amazing. “It wasn’t a joke by the way I said I’d ask again, I love
you Michelle Welles please marry me and soon?” Shit he asked me
again.

“Sometime soon I will be ready to say yes, and wear your ring,
but not yet, we need to get to know each other better. We start
afresh tonight, we talk more first, because the past month was
based on lies, I understand why you’d think I would hate you, but I
don’t, it’s sort of nice you followed me and obsessed over me in a
really weird arsed way?

I want to know everything there is to know about you first,
but don’t worry, I will say yes if you ask when the timings right.
Tonight isn’t that time Sam, not tonight, not after all the shit,
we have had today, but I do love you. I wouldn’t be here if I
didn’t Sam, do you think I’d take this crap from anyone else?” I
put my head against his chest. We were smooching to Fern Kinney’s
Together We Are Beautiful. I'd, sorry we'd had a hell of a day,
three major Missy-fits and now being danced with. This had been a
shockingly crazy truth filled day, oh and let us not forget the
marriage thing was raised again! Will he ever give up? Moreover
will I say yes? I want to, just to keep him and to have him
forever...

Sam went to get me another drink, he came back with our
drinks, and I smiled as I sipped this one, he just held me and
smiled at me, the vodka made me fuzzy in the head, but it gave me a
boost of sorts? He kissed my head and went to the loo, and I had
people to sort out… I grabbed Zoë she wasn’t for coming but did, as
I pulled her up and dragged her to the dance floor, I'm so fed up
of her saying she can’t dance. I want to tell her I know what she
did and to quit lusting after Sam.