A Life Without Fear (Life #2) (2 page)

After waking up, everyone makes small talk. I know they’re all holding back their real questions, but I’m grateful for that. I’m not ready to talk or to listen for that matter. The next morning they allow me to be discharged but before leaving the doctor asks for the room again. Once alone he pulls a chair next to my bed.

“Angelica, I wanted to chat with you alone one last time prior to you leaving.” Avoiding his eyes, the coward in me still out in full force. “Do you take Xanax regularly?”

“No, only as needed.”

“I see. You do know that there is a daily cap, even when the prescription says
as needed
, right?”

“Yes, I do.”

“So you intentionally took more than you should have?”

“Yes, I did, but it was a mistake. After I’d taken my allotted two that day, I still felt my heart racing, so I thought that if I had one more I’d be completely calm.”

“I see. So did it calm you?”

“Yes.”

“Why did you feel the need to drink after taking three pills? I’ve looked up your medical records and see that you’ve been prescribed Xanax for a very long time. You should know the
dos and don’ts
of the medication.”

“I wasn’t thinking straight and I realize it’s no excuse, but my emotions were scattered. My fears were coming to life and I was trying to escape them. It was never my intention to get to the point I got to. Certainly, I never meant to harm myself, only to calm my nerves.”

“Unfortunately, in life Angelica, there will come many times when one feels like escaping when the world seems to be against you. That’s something we have to deal with in a healthy way. What you did was dangerous and I can’t reiterate that enough. You nearly died, Angelica. You’re lucky you did not suffer any serious side effects.” He’s looking straight into my eyes. “I’m revoking your Xanax prescription and have sent a letter to your psychologist. Perhaps, eventually, you can get back on something to ease your nerves, but for now I feel it would be too dangerous to leave you with that prescription. I’ve asked your family to take the prescription from your home.” Nodding at him through my tears, feeling like a berated child. “You’re a lucky woman, Angelica; your family loves you tremendously. Don’t take that for granted. Follow up with your doctor and psychologist in the next three days, okay?” I nod again. He stands from his chair and leaves the room without another word. If the doctor could bring me to tears like that, God only knows what it’s going to feel like when I finally talk to everyone at home.

Soon after Dr. Smith leaves my room, Joey comes back and helps me gather my belongings. The ride in the elevator and walk to the lobby is quiet, Joey says nothing. Once we clear the automatic doors, Blake and my grandfather are standing there next to a large black SUV. Blake has a door opened for me and I slide in. Joey goes in after me. Blake walks around the car and sits next to me, my grandfather is driving and Betty sits in the front seat. No one talks the whole way home, it’s a somber mood in the car.

Once we arrive home, everyone quickly steps out and we walk inside my house. Rodger is barking excitedly when he sees me, so I drop to my knees and embrace him. Sobbing into his coat, my emotions can’t take it anymore, and the silence everyone is giving me is killing me. Joey pulls me away from Rodger and leads me to the couch. Once situated, Betty hands me a cup of ice water. I didn’t even realize I was thirsty until she handed me the cup. After taking a sip, everyone sits down and I feel all eyes on me.

“Angelica, I know you’ve been expecting us to start asking questions, but we aren’t going to.” Looking at my grandfather and tilting my head.
No questions? I wonder why?
“I can only imagine what you felt when you saw Edward walk into that conference room, or when he placed his hands on you.” I shudder at the memory. “We all understand why you took those pills. What we don’t understand is why you hid and ran away from Blake and Joey. Darlin’ you hurt those boys something fierce. If you’d only stayed home Angelica, those boys would’ve moved mountains to make you feel better. Instead, you hid, and then you ran to a club where a man managed to get you so drunk you were in an inebriated state by the time Joey and Blake found you. Sweet child, we know you were hurting, but did you stop to think how the ones you love were hurting too?” The tears have returned and are now sobs. “I’m not telling you this to make you feel bad or to upset you, I just want you to understand what we’re feeling. If they hadn’t have found you, Angelica, you could have seized at that club with no one you love by your side.” Betty hands me a handkerchief and rubs small circles on my back.

“Angelica, I’m sorry that evil man found you. I’m sorry for all the hurtin’ he’s put you through, child. Together we’ll fix this once and for all, do you understand me?” Betty grabs me by the chin and makes me stare into her eyes. I can only nod my head in response. “Good, now I’m going to run to the store to get the fixin’s for dinner. Blake, Joey, why don’t you boys come help me out.” She’s clearly trying to give me and Granddad some time alone and I appreciate the gesture. I have questions to ask and I’m not sure I want Joey or Blake to hear them.

“No problem, ma’am.” Blake stands.

“Now Blake, if you call me ma’am one more time we’re going to have an issue.”

“Of course, I’m sorry, Betty.” Blake’s returning smile is the sweetest thing.

“We’ll be back in a few, A.P. I love you.”

“Love you too, Joey.” He kisses my forehead and the three of them head out.

Once the door closes behind them, my grandfather moves to the seat Betty vacated.

“It’s time we talked about Edward, I want you to know why he never went to jail for what he did to you.”

I’ve always known there was a reason he didn’t go to jail. There was no way that he could just walk away after having committed such horrendous acts on a child. Now that the time has come, I’m not sure that I’m ready to hear the reasons, whatever it is it’s going to be bad.

“That summer when you came off the plane, I just knew something was wrong, I could tell by the look on your face. When we went to the hospital, all my nightmares were confirmed.” I’ve never heard my grandfather explain that summer before; I clutch his hands for support. “That night after you were tucked into bed, I called your mother. She refused to believe what had happened to you even though I told her I had the evidence. Even then she didn’t want to accept the truth, I told her I was going to go after Edward and that he was going to serve every day of his life in a prison cell. She begged me not to do that, she said it would embarrass her. That’s when I realized that she was no daughter of mine—she was nothing. How could a mother dismiss something so serious because of her image? Shameful. I hung up and got my lawyer on the phone, then we conference-called Edward. I should’ve gone in person, but I didn’t want to leave your side. Edward answered the phone as if nothing was wrong. I told him I knew what he’d done to you and that I was going to make sure he paid for it with his life behind bars for what he did to you. He laughed at me.” Tears are running down my face, not realizing this until my granddad wipes them away with his big calloused hands. He says nothing for a while; I know something big is coming. “Edward has a video, Angelica. He has a video of the two of you.”

I barely make it to the bathroom in time to throw up the water and the acid that my stomach contains. The thought of a video being out there of the hell that I endured is sickening.

“I’m sorry Angelica, but I need you to know what may come out after all this is said and done.” I rinse my mouth out with water then head to the backyard, some fresh air feels nice. My granddad follows me outside, along with Rodger. Once situated he continues, “Edward threatened to leak the video if I were to have him arrested, he didn’t care if it caused him more trouble. The thought of that video being on the internet for the rest of your life halted my plans to send him to jail. All I could think about was how that would ruin you, how it would follow you forever. So I made the decision to pay him off then in return for his silence and all the copies of the video.”

I gasp, knowing that my grandfather has that video is a terrible feeling.

“I had my lawyer watch it, Angelica, I couldn’t. We needed to confirm that it was you, and it was, sweet child. My little Angelica clear as day.” I put my head in my lap and just sob. What kind of sick fuck not only rapes a child but video tapes it as blackmail.

I wish I could stab him in the heart. I hate him.

My grandfather turns away from me and looks up to the sky. “I’m not sure if I did the right thing, I know he deserved to go to jail, but I couldn’t have that video out there. He signed a binding contract stating that he gave us all the copies of the video and should he ever release it, or produce another copy, he would be immediately reported to the police. He didn’t want that, he didn’t want to ruin his reputation much like your mother. It’s disgusting how similar the two of them are. Sometimes I sit at night wondering if I should’ve pressed charges. What if he tried to do this to another child?” He turns to look at me. “I have a private investigator on him regularly. He knows, should he ever get near a child again I
will
come after him. I hope that was enough to keep him away. At least I had hoped it was enough but, unfortunately, he still found his way to you.”

“Granddad, you can’t carry all that guilt, you did what you thought was best.”

“Did I, though? Did I do what was best for you darlin’?”

“Yes, just knowing that he made a video makes me sick to my core but had it been released, I’m not sure I could’ve recovered from that Granddad. I’m sorry that all of this had to rest in your hands. I’m sorry about the pain I’ve caused everyone. I’m so sorry.”

My granddad stands and pulls me into his arms. We stand like this for a while before calling Rodger and heading back inside to sit in the living room.

“I’m telling you this now because I want you to be prepared in case Edward ever mentions the video. There’s no chance it will ever be released, I had every trace of it wiped from all his devices.” He smiles softly.
I’m not sure I want to know how he managed to do that.
“I’m not sure what his intention was, but be sure I won’t let it happen again. Do you understand everything I’m telling you, Angelica?”

“Yes.”

“Good, now no more talk of him for now, okay? Go upstairs, take a bath and change into your most comfortable pajamas. I’m sure the whole group will be waiting in the kitchen by the time you’re done.” Getting up, I give my granddad a kiss on the cheek.

“Sounds good, Granddad.” Turning, I make my way to the stairs. “Oh, and Granddad?”

“Yes, darlin’?”

“Thank you.” Smiling at him, I head up the stairs before he has time to respond.

Walking straight into my bathroom, I start the tub while turning on my stereo. I chose shuffle on my Pandora. ‘
Unchained Melody’
starts playing through the speakers. Classic song, it never gets old. I strip and walk into the steamy tub. The water is so soothing, the music is remarkably calming. The last few days have been intense to say the least. Not only will things change within my family, but the incident that set this off happened at work. What will I tell Bill? How will I explain to him why I reacted so strongly to seeing Edward? I’ll have to cross that bridge when the time comes. Although he was there that night at my brownstone, he must know something already.
Ugh, Jesus, what a nightmare.

My own mother, my flesh, and blood would rather pretend nothing happened, so as to not embarrass her, rather than punish the man that assaulted her daughter. Shockingly that hurts more than the revelation that there is a video of the horrific event. A mother is supposed to protect you, defend you from all that’s bad in the world. My mother failed miserably, and the one time she could’ve stepped up and fixed her wrong, she chose to pretend it never happened. God my heart aches. How can she be so selfish? How could she live with herself? Whatever relationship I had with that woman is now nonexistent. Tears sting the back of my eyes, no father, and no mother. Sad. At least I have my grandfather, and technically he’s not my real grandfather, only my mother’s stepfather. Praise Jesus for him, it’s as if God knew I was going to have fucked-up parents so he sent me Timothy James Cane. Thank you, God.

Letting the water out of the tub, I gingerly go to stand. I’m not feeling entirely like myself. The last thing I want to do is get up too fast and eat shit while naked. After grabbing a towel and wrapping my hair in it, on the top of my head, I go in search of my most comfortable pajamas.

Changing quickly, I throw my hair in a messy bun while hearing the commotion going on in the kitchen; I don’t want to miss it. The reason for my house being full saddens me, but I do find joy in everyone being here. Before this mess with Edward, I never had such frequent visitors. I kind of like it, this is definitely a feeling I wouldn’t mind getting used to.

Finding everyone in the kitchen, well sitting at the table, Betty is in the kitchen, I stand in the doorway.

“Yummy, what’s that smell?” I could smell the food coming down the stairs.

“Chicken fried steak…I’m trying to fatten you up because you’re too thin.”

“Her ass ain’t thin,” Joey says under his breath, but Betty hears him loud and clear.

“Boy, you better be apologizing to her. Don’t you ever talk about a woman like that, do you understand me?” I try my hardest not to laugh while Joey goes pale.

“Yes, Betty. I’m sorry, Angelica.”

Winking at him. “It’s okay, Joey, I forgive you.”

“That’s better. Now Joey get in here and start peeling some potatoes.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Betty shoots him the death glare. “I mean, Betty!” Blake and I laugh at their exchange. Moving across the kitchen, I take Joey’s seat as he heads into the kitchen to do his chore.

“How are you feeling?” Blake asks.

“Better, just feeling a little out of it.”

“It’ll take you a while to feel like yourself again. Your body is probably still recovering from almost overdosing.” My grandfather’s tone is somber.

“I’m sorry.” I’m not sure who I’m speaking to. They’re allowed an apology for what I did to them and put them through.

“Angelica, we know why you did it. Like I said, we don’t agree with your choices, but we understand why you did what you did. Well, to an extent we do. Let’s not talk about that, okay? Let’s move on and enjoy this meal.” Smiling at my granddad, I nod my head.

Dinner goes smoothly and light conversations are going on throughout the meal. My grandfather tells us they’ll be leaving tomorrow evening after a few meetings. They left in such haste they didn’t delegate the ranch to anyone. Just got a family friend in to feed the animals, but they need to go back and put everything in order. Joey assures him that upon his departure, he will be my shadow. Rolling my eyes at him, he catches me and smiles bigger. He knows I hate being babysat. Blake’s been silent the whole meal, only speaking when spoken to. After dinner, we all clean up and my granddad and Betty head up to bed, they’re staying in one of the spare rooms. Joey leaves shortly after; he has a big shoot early in the morning. He offered to cancel, but I wouldn’t hear a word of it. After walking him out, I return to the kitchen in search of Blake only he’s not there. Walking around the whole first floor I don’t spot him, and then I hear a noise coming from the backyard. Blake and Rodger are playing catch and it puts a smile on my face. Slipping on some slippers I keep by the back door, then slowly open the door. Both heads turn in my direction, Rodger runs to greet me, but Blake only smiles.

“Is everything okay, Blake?”

“Why do you ask?”

“Well, you were reticent during dinner, you seem to be elsewhere.” He finally moves and sits in one of the patio chairs and I follow suit. “Is this situation too much for you? I want you to know that I wouldn’t think any less of you if you wanted to just go your separate way. This is a lot to take on, hell, I’m a lot to take on.” I feel the lump in the back of my throat and swallow hard. Breaking eye contact, I stare at my feet. He tilts my chin up until my eyes meet his. Standing, he reaches into his back pocket and he pulls out a leather wallet. Unsure of where he’s going with this, I simply watch him. He retrieves a piece of folded paper then sits back down and hands it to me. Gingerly, I take it out of his hands and begin to unfold it. Immediately, I know what it is and feel the tears on my cheek.

“You really did print out the email.” I laugh softly.

“
I’m not going anywhere…don’t forget it,”
he recites part of the email back to me.

“Well, to be fair, I did tell you I was going to push. There are so many other women out there, women with no strings or issues. I wouldn’t fault you, that’s all I’m saying.”

“Angelica, this is always going to be a thing with you isn’t it? Always telling me that there’s better out there for me? Easier? Less complicated? So what if there is? I don’t want that, I want you. Now give me back that email, I’m sure I’m going to need it again soon.” Smiling I hand it back to him and lean back in my chair looking up at the sky.

“I’m sorry, Blake. I’m sorry that I went to your brother’s club and I’m sorry for whatever happened there.” The tears are back once again. It’s such a horrible feeling not knowing what happened that night.

“Angelica, look at me.” I shake my head. “Please, Angelica...” Taking a deep breath, I turn my head toward him. “You didn’t have sex with Jon.” Placing my head on my lap, I cry. I’m crying because I didn’t sleep with Jon but also because I know I would have, had Joey and Blake not found me. “Don’t cry, Angelica. I’m sorry. I thought that would've made you happy.” He sounds so sad.

“I’m happy, Blake. I’m sad that I didn’t know what I’d done with him. I’m also embarrassed by my behavior. I apologize for putting you in this position. Please don’t be mad at your brother for my decisions.”

“Do not call him my brother!”
Blake abruptly stands causing the chair to scrape against the concrete. I’ve never heard him yell, I’m startled into silence. Watching him pace for a while, running his hands through his hair he continues, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell. Jon is nothing to me. You did not put anyone in any situation. He had a choice when you walked into his club, he made the wrong decisions. For that he will pay, trust that I
will
handle him. It is I that should be apologizing for his behavior, apologizing for ever doing business with him when I knew he was a bad person.” He’s now standing in front of me.