A Little Bit of Us (23 page)

     He calls me, I can’t help but feel a kind of satisfaction when he does. I’ve flipped it back around again. That’s more like it. I ignore his call and the next.

James:
You’re supposed to go. And so am I.

Maya:
Go on your own then! I’ll just research how to change a diaper on YouTube!

James:
Whatever then Maya. I really could not care less anymore.

     What was that about me being in control? Ouch. That took another sour turn. I wipe my eyes and steady my throbbing heart. Fuck him. Asshole. God, he makes me so angry.

     Sylvia’s living room looks amazing. There are pink streamers on the ceiling with pink pacifier’s attached and pink balloons on the walls. A mountain of gifts sits in the corner of the room and everyone here, close friends and friends that I don’t speak to often enough are groping my belly and dishing out the hugs like a bunch of rabid teddy bears.

    I’m sat in an armchair at the head of the large oval. James is beside me. Currently we are playing a game where people have to cut a piece of yarn and wrap it around me. Whoever gets the closest size to what I am wins a prize. This game does not impress me at all. Some of the yarn sizes are ridiculously long. Do I really look that big?

     “Why are you throwing paper balls at me?” I snap at Marie and Lucas.

     “We’re trying to see if you have your own gravitational pull,” Lucas shrugs. Marie cackles then adds, “You know… being your own planet and all.” Ok so maybe I’ve gotten a little bigger than I was last week and maybe I’ve even started waddling a bit. That does not give them the right to… pat. “Will you quit it?” I snarl making them both howl even louder.

     I’m anxious to see James, we’ve not spoken since the text argument a week ago. He’s running late due to traffic. Yuck, the baby’s moving again. Everybody crowds around like a bunch of weirdoes and watches my belly jerk and bob around.

    
Summer wins the yarn game. The prize was a basket of muffins. I want a muffin!

     “Next game!” Sylvia announces with a large smile and removes her hands from my belly. I’m so used to her groping me that I barely notice her anymore. Plus she always has warm hands so it’s not too bad.

     We wait for James to open the gifts, it’s not fair to start without him. It’s another half an hour before he shows up
with a smile on his face. Until he sees me and it falters. Was he not expecting me to be here?

     “Come on,” I say cheerfully. “We’re about to play guess what’s in the diaper. We have to eat it.”

     He completely blanks me and says hi to everyone before taking the seat to my right. We play, the weird shit lookalike is actually chocolate, cornflakes and marshmallows melted and blended together. I got the cornflakes and chocolate. Summer had to tell us what else was in there.

     “That was fun,” I nudge James with my elbow. He shuffles away from me and continues chatting with Lucas and Kyle.
What the fuck is his problem. “Hey.”

     I pat his shoulder, he looks back at me, “What?”

     “Is everything ok?”

     “Fine,” and he turns back.

     He’s fine with everyone else, he’s fine with opening gifts and laughing and joking and joining in on the games. The only time he acknowledges me is when my stomach starts jiggling. Then he’s on his knees in front of me, kissing my belly and holding it until she stops moving in there.

     “Can I get a ride home?” I ask him sweetly, even going as far as to flutter my eyelashes.

     “Ask Marie.” There’s no emotion or tone to his voice. Just a simple two words like I mean nothing.

     “I thought maybe we could talk?”

      With a sigh he pulls me over to the corner, “Talk.”

     “Why are you mad at me?”

     “I’m not mad at you. I just don’t see why we have to pretend to be friends.”

     “We aren’t friends?”

     He shakes his head and shrugs, “Not to my knowledge.”

     “Ok then. Fine.”

     He seems to relent, “Ok, I’ll give you a ride home.
You’re right. We do need to talk.”

     The party was awesome, I have to hand it to Summer and Sylvia. I’ve actually had a great time. I hug them both eagerly and thank them after everyone but our usual group leaves. Lucas, Marie and James all pile the gifts into James’ car. Lucas leaves to go and get Amelia from school. It’s a shame she couldn’t be here but this was the only time available for the majority of our friends.

    
James helps me into the car and climbs into his side. “You go first.”

     “Why are you so mad at me?”

     “Fine. I’ll go first.” He takes a deep breath and puts his foot on the gas. “I’ve met someone.” What? “I’m ready to start dating again. I just thought you should know.”

     “Why the fuck would I want to know that?”

     “For obvious reasons. So you don’t find out from someone else and because I may hit it off with her which means she’ll be around my kid one day,” Our kid! Our! “So, yeah. That’s it. I’m done.”

     I don’t know what to do with this piece of information. I feel like crying. “Ok. I hope it works out.” No I don’t, I have she has warts and hangnails and a bucket vagina. I hope she’s awful and you leave her. “Congratulations I guess.”

     “Thanks.” He smiles weakly. We remain silent for the rest of the journey. I don’t know what to say. My heart just hit my stomach, fell out of my ass and jumped in front of an oncoming bus. Shit. “We’re here.” What? Oh, we’ve stopped. Ok then. “Are you ok?”

     “Yeah, just… yeah,” I laugh and give him a reassuring smile. “I’m happy for you James.” No I’m not. I’m really fucking not.
“So, are you going to continue being a dick to me?”

     “No, I guess… we can try to be friends. For Evelyn’s sake.”

     “Evelyn?”

     “Yeah, you said I could name her.”

     “That was before,” I snap and shake my head. “We’re not calling her Evelyn.”

     “We’ll choose later. I have to go.”

     “Hot date?” I say through clenched teeth.

     He smirks and nods, there’s something very devious about that smile, “Yeah. I’m taking her ice skating.”

     “I’m sure she’ll love it.” I hope she slips on her ass and makes an idiot out of herself. “Have fun.”

     “I will but you need to get out of the car,” he laughs like it’s the funniest thing in the world.
Which it’s not…

     I don’t want to get out of the car. I want to cry and beg you not to date right now. To spend your life pining over me! “Yeah. Sure.”

     “Shall I pick you up tomorrow?”

     “Tomorrow?”

     “For class? We’re putting diapers on dolls remember?”

     I shake my head and open the door, “I’m not going.”

     “What?” his eyebrows hit his hairline. “Why not?”

     “I don’t want to.”

     “You have to.”

     “You can’t order me around!” Who does he think he is? “I’ll just watch it on YouTube.”

     “Is this because of what I just told you?”

     “No. It’s because you’re a fucking prick.” I climb out of the car before my tears burn and slam the door behind me. Then I dash into the house, slam that door
too like a grumpy teen and let the tears fall. What’s worse is he doesn’t even follow me in.

     So maybe that was a little mercurial, I went from telling him all was well to calling him a prick. Don’t judge me on it. I’m not sure what happened myself.

     “He couldn’t even wait!” I shout at Lucas
, it’s the next day by the way. I spent the night seething and crying and wanting to call James and tell him something bad had happened so he’d come rushing from his date and into my arms… unfortunately I’m not that much of a psycho. “Couldn’t wait until I’ve had the baby and I’m not such a god damn emotional wreck. He’s being a complete ass hole!”

James:
Where are you? I swear to god Maya you better show up soon!

     “Who does he think he is? He’s just mean.” Worst thing is I knew he wouldn’t take long. He’s absolutely gorgeous and a nice guy, not to mention he’s not bloated with child. I hate him. Or at least I want to hate him. I have to keep telling myself I have no rights to him. We’re over, finished. I can do this. My heart will mend.

You sound like the poster child for a Celine Dion song.

     “I don’t know what’s going through his head Maya. He’s being an idiot.”

     I throw my hands up in defeat and wipe away my tears. Yeah I’m crying again. “Fucking stupid male people.” I glance at Lucas. “Apart from you. You’re awesome. Why couldn’t I have met you first?” Wait… that didn’t come out right. “I mean…”

     “I know, I know,” he coos and flicks my nose. “Don’t panic. You’re upset and talking rubbish.”

James:
Maya. Where are you?

Maya:
I’m not coming!

James:
Stop being a baby.

Maya:
Go fuck yourself. Or your new girl and stop bothering me.

     I know I’m being childish but I have a right to it. Right now I’m hurting and spiteful and I’m the size of a whale. Fuck James.

     Ok, so yeah maybe our relationship has taken a turn for the worst. It’s almost beyond repair and in all honesty I feel like shit, I feel depressed and soppy and I want to watch romance novels and cry with lots of chocolate and ice cream. I’m not going to though. I’m going to go eat a salad, take my prenatal vitamin and go to the park with Lucas and Amelia. Bump, rumble, bump. Ouch, that was my rib.

     I’ve been putting on this really good skin cream called… skin something. Made by my company, it has real gold in it and so far I’ve had zero stretch marks. It’s something like three hundred dollars an ounce. So worth it.

    “You ready?”

    “YEAH!” Amelia screams at her dad as he pulls her coat on her tight. “Let’s go park. I wanna go on the swings.”

     “Come on then,” Lucas shrugs on his own coat and helps me zip mine up. “I think you need a bigger coat.” With a pat on my belly he turns and leaves with my seething form hot on his heels. Bastard. I do not.

You are in complete denial. You’re getting big, buy a new coat.

     I hate my head.

     “When’s the baby coming?” Amelia asks as Lucas pushes her on the swing.

     “In about ten week’s princess.”

     “So I’m going to have a baby cousin.”

     I nod and sit on a bench whilst eating a bar of
candy. Hmm, candy. It’s great to see the interaction between doting father and daughter. I wonder if James will be as good as Lucas. What am I thinking? Of course he will. This is James, he never settles for less than the best in everything. He’s going to love this kid.

     “Higher, higher,” she wags her legs back and forth. Effectively making the swing wobble from side to side rather than front and back.

    
“I have a problem,” Lucas says when Amelia runs over to the side. Now I’m all ears. “It’s to do with Dana.” Dana? Dana? Hmm… “The addict.” Right. “She’s started…”

    “AHHHH!” Amelia’s ear piercing scream shatters our moment of serious conversation. She’s fallen over. Grazed a knee. “Daddy!”

     “
Aww, poor baby,” he coos and kisses her bloody knee. “All better.”

     “No it’s not!” she squeals, big fat tears dripping down her cute little face.

     “Of course it’s not, daddy forgot the magic sprinkles.” I pinch my fingers together and sprinkle the nothing onto her knee. She sniffs and smiles. “Now it’s all better.

     Lucas chuckles and watches his daughter run off as if nothing just happened. “You’ll do fine.”

     “What were you saying?”

     “Nothing, it doesn’t matter.” He tucks his hands into his pockets. I’m about to push but his phone rings. I walk away to give him some privacy.

     The park was fun but I’m hungry now so we head across the road to a Subway store. Nom. We sit at a table near the wall, as far away from the door as possible, because, well, it’s fucking cold. I shrug my coat off and stretch.

     “Umm…” Lucas says and I notice his eyes are glued to my boobies.

     “Auntie Maya, why your boobies wet?” Wait what? I look down and sure enough I have two large wet patches. Oh no. Why now? Why me?

     I pull my coat back on and zip. Rip. The fucking zip just broke! Oh god. This is not my day! Lord have mercy.

     Lucas finds this hilarious. Of course he does. He hands me his large ski jacket. I pull it on and quickly shove some napkins down my bra.

     “Shut up,” I hiss hide behind my hands. “Go get me a sandwich. Or I will hurt you.” He gets up and goes to order, unfortunately he’s still laughing. Men!

     It’s night time, I’m all alone and feeling a little morbid and bored. I should really go visit my dad soon but I daren’t. That sounds weird, how can you not go and see a dead person’s grave but I’m worried that he’s not happy with me. He’d never get angry, but he would show me his disappointment in other ways. What if he’s like that wherever he is? Sat up there shaking his head at me because I’m having a baby out of wedlock, or because I’ve completely messed with his house. Or because… I’ll go tomorrow. My dad would never have judged me, I don’t know what I’m saying.