A Mate's Denial: (12 page)

She agreed.

They spent the rest of the night using their bodies to show each other the depths of their feelings. Kerrigan had never felt so treasured. Nor had she ever been so scared. As she drifted to sleep, she said a prayer that this time caring wouldn’t end in heartbreak.

The alpha had released them just as
Trager had said. The drive back was considerably less tense. It wasn’t until the last half hour that Kerrigan started feeling sick.

She had to ask him soon.

They were almost home and he’d been talking about plans for the future. How they should pack up her things and move them to his place. That she should call her family and tell them she wouldn’t be moving home. Where she could look for a job if she wanted.

Everything was happening so fast. She’d told
Trager last night she was all in. And she was. But she had to know if he still wanted to spend his life with her after he learned about her infertility.

Her stomach flipped with nerves.
Like she was on a rollercoaster instead a mountain road.

Trager
pulled her hand from her belly and thread his fingers through. “You okay?”

She nodded and gave him a weak smile.

“Are you having doubts?” His voice was so quiet and careful, it broke her heart.

She wanted to reassure him but couldn’t bring herself to lie. Instead, she stared out the window. “How do you feel about kids?”

He gave a relieved laugh. “Is that what you’re worried about? Oh, Kerri, I love kids. I’ve always wanted a huge family. I think we should have five. Or six. We’ll make our own pack. Just you and me and our babies. What do you think?”

Kerrigan’s heart was ripped open wide. What he described sounded wonderful. Like a dream come true. But she couldn’t give him that.

Her chest hurt and tears burned her eyes. “That’s a beautiful plan.” She forced the words out.

“You’ll be so beautiful
, pregnant with our young. I can’t wait to see your belly grow big. We’ll wait though, until we’ve settled in. We’ll make sure we have everything we need first. I have some money saved up.”

She tried not to let his words crush her. Inside she was panicking, thinking up ways she could fix this. Maybe she wouldn’t tell him until they couldn’t conceive. Maybe there was some new technique to deal with the scar tissue wrapped around her uterus. But in the end, she came to the only conclusion acceptable: she had to let him go. He deserved to be a father, to have that family he dreamed of.

“Baby?”

“
Hm?”

His hand on her chin brought her face around. “Why are you crying?”

She gave him the honest truth. “I think you’ll make the most wonderful dad.”

***

Trager watched his mate while he unloaded the truck. Something was wrong. Very wrong. She put on a brave face, but he could see through it. With the bond, he felt her pain as if it was his own, except he had no clue what it was about. Or how to fix it.

Inside, he started a fire. Maybe they just needed to relax. Decompress. It had been a stressful few days for both of them.

She went into the bathroom and didn’t come out for a long time. Then he heard the shower running. Trager paced in front of the door trying to decide what to do. He should go in there and talk to her. If she just told him what was wrong, he could fix it.

The water shut off, and he went into the living room to wait.

He was a twitchy mess by the time she padded in wearing a tee shirt and yoga pants. Her eyes were red-rimmed and her hair was loose and wet. She stood away from him, her gaze focused on the floor.

Trager’s
gut cramped. Something bad was coming. Something so bad he wanted to run away from it. His wolf told him to run. He didn’t though.

She opened her mouth to speak but he cut her off. “Are you hungry? I can make you something to eat. I’ve got—“

“No. I’m not hungry.”

“Thirsty then?”

“Trager, I need to go home.”

His mouth dried. “Okay. You want to grab some things? I’ll take you. It’s only noon. We can be back before dark.”

Her head shook. “No, no. I need to go home and stay there.”

His chest locked tight. Did she just need space? Maybe she didn’t want to share his tiny cabin. “You mean you want to keep your apartment? That… yeah, okay. We can do that. You don’t have to move in with me. I just thought… We’ll take things slow if that’s what makes you comfortable.
Whatever you want.”

Her eyes squeezed closed, and tears cascaded down her cheeks. “No,
Trager. I need to… we can’t be together. I need to go home. To Alaska.”

Trager
couldn’t breathe. She was leaving him? For good?

He jumped to his feet. “No. No, Kerri. Why?”

She buried her face in her hands.

“You said you
loved me. You said
yes
.”

A sob escaped, and he could
n’t help himself, he wrapped his arms around her.

“Baby, talk to me. Please.”

She said nothing. All he had to go on was her tears. Maybe this was a breakdown of some sort. Delayed shock, or something.
Please, let it be that and not the prophecy
.

“Let’s go to bed,” he murmured into her hair. “You’re tired. I’m tired. Let’s sleep, and then we’ll talk. We’ll work through this.”

She nodded against his chest, and his panicked wolf calmed. They would be fine. They just needed to rest.

***

Kerrigan let Trager lead her to the bedroom. He pulled back the covers and she climbed in. He removed his boots and his shirt, but left his jeans, and then scooted in behind her. He pulled her close against his chest, and she breathed him in. His steady breath calmed her. The thump of his heart reminded her that she loved him.

Sometimes loving people hurt. She knew that. But in this case, it hurt for all the right reasons.
Trager would have what he desired. He’d be mad. Hurt, even. But someday, he’d be glad she left him. When five little wolf-boys were running around his house. A ghost of a smile lifted her lips. When his new mate was swollen with number six.

Everything inside her felt sick at the idea of him with someone else, but he deserved better than what she could offer. He deserved a woman that could give him kids, a family.

Time passed, and she had no way to measure it. Her breath evened and her eyes drifted closed. She wasn’t going to sleep. It just hurt too much to keep them open.

Trager
crushed her closer. “Don’t. Don’t give up on us. On me. Please. You’re the only person who has ever believed in me.” He buried his face in her neck. His next words were muffled, but they still hit her heart like a hammer. “
Don’t leave me
.”

Kerrigan pret
ended not to hear him, lying as still as possible while her heart broke. For a second, she reconsidered what she was planning to do. She didn’t want to hurt him, but she realized those damned heartless wolves were right. She
was
going to deny him, because if he stayed with her, he would never have a family.

Eventually
Trager’s grip loosened. His breath leveled to an even snore. He was asleep.

Kerrigan opened her eyes to study his face. When she’d memorized as many details as she could, she slipped out from under his arm and grabbed her suitcase and shoes.

She took one last look at the wolf she loved, and then let him go.

Trager
awoke and several things happened all at once.

He recalled how he’d given his mate all last night, making love to her as he never had before. He felt excited.
Happy. Whole. For the first time ever, safe.

He remembered her sobbing after they’d returned home.

He realized he couldn’t hear her heartbeat. He couldn’t feel her hair on his face.

His eyes snapped open. He felt disturbed.
Disquieted.

He listened for movement in the cabin.
Heard nothing.

Nothing.

He felt nauseous.

Trager bolted up. “Kerri!”

She didn’t answer.

“Kerri,” he shouted, throwing the sheets off. “Kerrigan!”

He went into the living room.
Nothing. Checked the bathroom. Nothing.

“No. No, no, no.” His wolf whimpered. His stomach threa
tened to heave. “No, please.”

She wouldn’t do this. She couldn’t leave. Not after last night. Not after everything. She… she loved him. She’d wanted him when no one else did. She wouldn’t… she
wouldn’t
…

His chest locked tight, not allowing him a single breath. He was going to pass out.

Gripping the kitchen counter, he fought to draw in air, and that’s when he saw it, the note.

Trager
, I’m so very sorry. I just can’t. Please forgive me.

The words blurred beyond recognition. She was gone. She’d done it.
Denied him. Thrown his love away like trash. The prophecy was true. The Elders were right. The wolves were right.

Trager
spun, looking for something that made sense. Last night, she’d loved him. There hadn’t been any doubt. Today, she wanted to leave. What had changed?

He raked his hand through his hair, tugging. His chest…
everything
hurt so much.

He couldn’t lose her. He couldn’t.

He was going to turn. No
stopping it. His wolf wanted out.

Trager
ran for the door, bounding out into the lawn…

But the wolf stopped short, a
new instinct rising. He took in a deep breath.

Blood
. Kerrigan’s.

Trager
ran through the trees, using his senses to find her. The trail led him to the dirt road where the 4-Runner was parked. Kerri sat on the ground, her suitcase next to her.

“What happened?”

She flinched at his tone, but he didn’t care at the moment. He grabbed her hand, where the blood was coming from.

“I tripped,” she muttered. “Cut it on a rock.”

“What were you going to do? Just walk to Joplin?” He was angry. Hurt, and angry.

“No,” she snapped. “I’m not an idiot. I called a cab once I got cell service.
But he got lost and called to cancel. I was going to find my way back to the cabin.”

Trager
glared at her. “Come on. We need to clean this up.”

He helped her stand, and before she could object, he lifted her shirt over her head.

“What are you doing?” she screeched.

“
Shh.” Carefully, he wrapped the tee shirt around her wounded hand, then picked up her suitcase. “Let’s go.”

They walked back to the cabin in silence.
Trager was too furious to speak calmly.

Inside, he set her suitcase by the door, and retrieved the first aid kit from the bathroom.

Kerrigan was waiting for him in the kitchen.

“Hand
, over the sink.”

She complied, and he poured antiseptic over the gash. It wasn’t too deep. They could get away with a bandage or two.

She drew in a hissed breath, making his chest pull tight. “Sorry,” he muttered.

“It’s fine.”

He noticed her eyeing the note on the counter. Her lower lip trembled.

“Talk to me,” he said, as calmly as he was able.

She waited until he’d finished wrapping her hand, before answering. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Just tell me what
it is,” he growled. “Tell me why you don’t want me.”

“I do want you,” she cried. “But there’s something I haven’t told you. Something you won’t like. It will change things.” Her eyes were brimming with tears.

His heart thundered in his chest. “Tell me, Kerri. Tell me now.”

“I can’t have kids.” She threw her arms in the air. “There, okay. I can’t give you six babies. I can’t give you any babies.
You can’t watch my belly grow. You’ll never have a family with me.”

Trager
swallowed. Her admission was a blow to his chest. A sucker-punch of epic proportions. His mate couldn’t bear young? It wasn’t something he’d even considered. They’d never have children. No pack of their own making. No little Kerrigans running around the house.

This changed everything.
Everything
. His wolf howled at the injustice.

***

The look of shock on his face is what did her in, made the tears spill over. She waited. Waited for him to tell her he understood why she left. That a wolf was nothing without children. That it was over. Waited for something.

“You should have told me.”
His voice was quiet.

“I know. I tried. Last night, I tried to ask you. But… we got distracted.”

He ran a hand through his hair. Paced the space of the kitchen.

Still she waited.

He stopped in front of her. “If this is why you ran, then stop. Just stop. Because it doesn’t matter.” He placed his hands on either side of her face and made her look at him. “I love you. I love everything about you. Even this. I’ll love you always. You can run if that’s what you want, but I’ll never stop. Ever.”

Her face crumpled and she fell into his chest sobbing.

“I’m broken. I can’t give you what you need.”

“I need you to be mine, Kerri.” His whisper was tortured and rough in her ear. “I need that more than anything in the world.
More than a pack, more than young, more than air to breathe. You, in my arms until I die, that’s what I need.
That’s
what I need.”

“
Trager, I
can’t
…” Her voice broke, but so did part of her resistance. He held her so tightly, she almost believed she wasn’t falling apart. Like a shattered glass, but his grip was too tight for the pieces to fall. When he let go, she’d crash, she knew it.

“I know, I know. But don’
t you see? We have everything we need right now, right here. With each other. You need to believe that.”

He
lifted her into his arms, carrying her to the bedroom. She let him set her on his bed, let him strip her clothes off. He removed his jeans and laid beside her. He stroked her cheek while she calmed.

“Do you believe it?”

She wanted to. She’d try to.

“I’m going to make you believe it.”

He skimmed his hand along her thigh, lightly, before nudging her legs open and cupping her sex. He rubbed softly, slowly, his shaft growing hard against her hip.

“
Trager…”

“I plan o
n marking you.”

He settled between her legs, pressing into her slowly, until he filled her completely.

“I should have done this a long time ago,” he rumbled against her shoulder.

“Yes,” she sighed.

“You’ll be mine forever. Do you want that?”

“Yes.” She did. Belonging to Trager sounded like heaven wrapped in a bow.

“It will bind us, it can’t be undone.”

She opened her eyes to stare into his careful ones. He was asking for her commitment, for life. And giving his at the same time. For better or worse. Flaws included.

A
final tear skidded across her cheek.

“Yes,” she breathed.

“Yes?”

“Yes.”

Trager began a torturously slow rhythm. “When we come this time, my body will imprint, mark you with my scent. Permanently. Everyone will know you belong to a wolf. To me.”

More perfect sensations below her waist.
More of his hands on her body.

“Also, I’m going to bite.” He dropped a kiss to the curve of her neck and shoulder.
“Right here. And I can’t let go until the imprinting is finished.”

Trager
increased his speed, his body shaking. She was close, so close.

“Will it hurt?”

He slowed, looking sad. “Yes. Just know, when you mark me, it will hurt a million times worse.”

“Mark you
?”

Trager
pulled her legs higher, thrusting deeper, harder.

“Alpha, on his chest.
The mark there.”

“You’ll have one like that?”

“Yes.”

Trager
dropped his head to suck an aching nipple between his lips, and all conversation was forgotten. Kerrigan writhed under his body, loving the way he loved her.

She was about to burst when he ground out, “Are you ready, mate?”

“Yes.”

Sucking on the skin of her neck,
lapping, licking, sucking, nipping. She was completely lost. He pushed into her one last time, and simultaneously, she felt his teeth pierce her skin and his hot fluid fill her up.

She screamed. It
did
hurt, but it pushed her over the edge and her orgasm washed away the sting of the bite.

Latched to her neck,
Trager continued to thrust, until Kerrigan thought she would come a second time. But then he slowed, and stopped altogether.

The sounds coming from her mouth were a cross between a whimper and a grunt. It was unattractive, but she couldn’t care. Everything was too tender.
Inside and out.

Trager
carefully, slowly, released her neck, blowing lightly on the mark.

“Mine,” he said. He kissed it, barely a brush of his lips.
“You okay?”

Kerrigan felt better than okay. She couldn’t explain it, much like she couldn’t explain
Trager, but she felt safe, protected. He was right about the bond. It was tangible, like a cord that couldn’t be cut.

“Perfect,” she said. “I feel perfect.”

Trager kissed the mark again. “Yes?”

“Always yes.”