A Matter of Sin (20 page)

Chapter Twenty-Two

“If one is going to indulge in an affair in public, one must be aware of her surroundings…or risk scandal.”
—The Ladies Book of Pleasures

A week had gone by since Isabel’s departure from his home before Seth encountered her again. The moment he saw her was as terrible as he had expected it would be.

Standing with Jason at the first party he had bothered to dress himself for and attend in London, he looked across the crowded ballroom, and there she was. She stood at the punch table with the Duchess of Jameswood and another of the women’s good friends, Jacinda Downing. Isabel wasn’t looking at him, though. Nor had she seemed to notice his attendance at all as she smiled at her friends while they talked.

He openly stared, unable to mask his reaction when she was so delectably close to him. She was wearing a dark blue gown with some kind of white lace decorating it at the sweet place where her breasts were lifted together. It reminded him of a gown she had once worn when they made love.

He groaned.

“You look like hell,” Jason said, clapping him on the back a little too hard.

Seth sent a glare toward his friend and then returned his attention to Isabel. “Thank you,” he ground out with effort.

Jason followed the line of his vision and sighed. “Well, we have avoided talking about this subject for a long while, but there is no more of it. How far did things go with Lady Avenbury during your country party?”

Seth turned on his friend, looking around them to ensure no one had heard Jason’s imprudent question. “Watch yourself. You could ruin her with such a query.”

His friend’s brow arched. “I made certain we aren’t within earshot of anyone before I asked the question, but the depth of your concern certainly tells me something about the answer to my question.”

Seth scowled. He had sworn to Isabel he wouldn’t tell anyone about their affair, so no matter how much he desired the counsel of a friend, he wouldn’t betray his promise to her.

“I don’t wish to discuss her.”

Jason was quiet for a moment. “That far, eh?”

Seth looked down at his feet. “Too far, probably.”

“I see.”

To his surprise, Jason’s tone held no teasing or judgment. Seth glanced in the direction of Isabel again, but found that though her two friends remained, she was gone.

“I don’t want to upset her. Perhaps I should depart before she notices my attendance,” he said, more to himself than to his friend.

Jason laughed. “She noticed you the moment you walked in the door.”

Seth stared at his friend. “She did?”

“Indeed. I watched her track you for at least a full minute before she pretended she didn’t see you or didn’t care.” He shrugged. “And even if I hadn’t, I know her friend Miss Downing well enough to recognize when
she
is uncomfortable.”

Seth couldn’t help the swell of pleasure that rose up in him at the thought that Isabel was as aware of him as he was of her. Although the reaction was folly, somehow he didn’t want her to be able to so easily forget what they had shared.

“You know,” Jason said slowly. “I’ve heard Sir Gregory is completely taken by her. He waxed poetic when I bumped into him during my ride in Hyde Park yesterday afternoon. I believe he will be arriving at this party any moment to continue his courtship of the lady.”

Seth fisted his hands at his sides. “Sir Gregory, the old fool. He doesn’t deserve to look at her, let alone make her his.”

“Why?” Jason asked. “He’s a friendly enough fellow of good fortune and humor.”

Seth shrugged. “Grand things all, I’m sure.”

To his surprise, Jason turned on him with more heat than he had ever seen his friend possess. “You judge that, yet aren’t
you
obsessed with your precious heirs? Isn’t
that
why you don’t pursue Isabel yourself?”

Seth stared. “What the hell is that remark about?”

“I’m not blind, nor am I stupid,” Jason whispered as another group of gentlemen briefly passed by. When they were gone, he continued, “It was as obvious to me as my own name that you connected emotionally and probably physically with Lady Avenbury at your home.”

“Be cautious, Northfield,” Seth growled.

“Were
you
cautious? It’s just as clear that you care for the woman. Perhaps you even love her, if I can still properly read the signs of such an affliction. But you don’t love her enough to throw away your damned thoughts on duty and heirs and whatever other shit you’ve used to distance yourself from her.” Jason gritted his teeth. “You deserve her less than Sir Gregory does, with all his silliness and simpering.”

Seth stared at his friend. Jason had always been so frivolous—he had never expected such a speech from him. In fact, he hadn’t even realized his friend was so observant of what went on around him. It impressed Seth as much as irritated him.

“What the hell do you know about it?” he snapped, still confused and uncomfortable at his friend’s unexpected outburst.

“Perhaps more than you know,” Jason said softly, and for once his expression reflected real emotion. What else had his friend had been hiding all these years they had been as close as brothers? “And I will offer you a bit of advice if you aren’t too bullheaded to hear it.”

Seth was about to shake his head when Jason continued without waiting.

“Leave her be.” Jason emphasized each word carefully. “If you have no interest in being anything to her but a coward stuck on inheritance and bloodlines and titles, then leave her alone and let her marry a man who won’t see her as a liability to his future.”

“I don’t see her as a liability,” Seth said, thinking of what Isabel had confessed about being broken.

“Then marry her, if you love her,” Jason said as he folded his arms in a stance that could be seen as nothing but challenging.

Seth hesitated, then shook his head for he could think of no retort. “You are talking out your arse,” he said before he turned and stalked away.

Only as he stormed his way through the ballroom and out onto the terrace for some air, Jason’s words hit home more than he wanted to admit. He was a coward. He was allowing that fact to keep him from Isabel. And he had no choice in that matter, or so he had convinced himself.

He made his way past the small groups of partygoers who were gathered near the veranda doors and around the curving edge of the structure until he was in fuller darkness and away from prying eyes who would surely see his disappointment.

But as he strolled his way around yet another curve in the terrace, he came to a stop. There, standing at the edge of the parapet, looking up at the stars above, was Isabel. And she was alone.

Jason’s advice to leave her that way rang in his head, but Seth found himself moving toward her regardless of how right he knew his friend’s words to be. He was drawn to her in ways he couldn’t explain, and the intensity of his desire outweighed the reasons he had to stay away, at least in this moment.

“Isabel,” he said softly.

Her entire body tensed and she slowly turned to look at him. Her expression remained serene, but he noticed that her bottom lip trembled and she blinked a few times too many before she spoke.

“Lord Lyndham,” she said, her voice cracking slightly. “Good evening.”

She was trying to distance herself with her overly polite tone and words, but there was no denying the heat that still sparked between them. Seth felt it drawing him closer, making him want her.

“How have you been?” he asked.

“Tolerable,” she said as she turned her face away. There was a hesitation and then she added, “You look tired.”

They were three simple words but his heart soared with them. By noticing his state, that meant she still gave a damn about him. That he wasn’t misreading her continued interest.

He moved toward her until he was too close for propriety, but not close enough for pleasure. With a gasp, she looked at him from the corner of her eye.

“Perhaps that is because I no longer sleep,” he said softly.

She stared out into the darkness again. “I’ve heard warm milk or brandy helps with that problem.”

“They won’t help me. There is only one thing I require to make my bed comfortable.”

He shook his head as he reached out a finger and gently brushed it along her exposed arm. She sucked in her breath softly.

Turning toward him, she whispered, “Please, please don’t—”

She cut herself off, and Seth cupped a hand beneath her chin. “Don’t what? Want you? Impossible.”

Tears sparkled in her eyes, but she didn’t draw away as he slowly lowered his mouth toward her. He gave her ample opportunity to do so, but in the end his lips touched hers. Instantly the heat between them exploded into a full-bore fire.

He clutched her closer, reveling in how her soft body molded to his and her fisted hands finally relaxed to curl around his arms and tug him even closer.

Somehow he turned them, backing her away from the exposure of the terrace wall and into the darkness against the corner of the house. He pressed her against the cool stone as he pillaged her lips.

But even in the heat of his ardor, she didn’t pull away. She arched against him hungrily, her little mewls and groans of pleasure blinding him to reason and right versus wrong. Everything was washed away but her and the fact that he had to have her, to feel her wrapped around him.

He lifted her slightly, pressing a thigh between her legs. Her skirts tangled with his legs, but he ignored that as he cupped one breast and let his lips move to her throat.

Isabel let out a soft cry, which only drove him on. He deepened the kiss, losing himself in her, forgetting everything around them.

Until a sound broke through his ardor. It was a gasp that had Isabel pushing him away. He looked down at her and was surprised to find her eyes wide and her face pale.

“Isabel?” he whispered.

She tugged on his jacket and pointed behind him. He turned and froze in horror. The gasp hadn’t come from Isabel.
Serena
stood in the dim lights of the lamps around the edge of the terrace, staring at the couple with wide eyes.

“Oh,” she whispered, “I-I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to intrude…” Then Serena leaned forward and her mouth dropped open. “I-Isabel?”

Isabel squeezed her eyes shut and made a deep sound of pain that was like a stab to Seth’s heart.

“Serena,” she whispered.

She tried to shove past him, but her knees buckled. He caught her elbow and steadied her, for it was all he could do now to help her. In a moment, she seemed to gather herself and shook him away to move forward.

The hurt and confusion was more than clear in Serena’s bright eyes and she just kept staring back and forth between Seth and Isabel.

“What is going on?” she finally whispered.

Isabel swallowed hard. She wouldn’t look at Seth as she whispered, “A-a mistake, dearest. Something that never should have happened.”

Seth stepped back. Her words hit him in the gut.

Serena looked past her at Seth, and understanding dawned on her face. “This—
this
is why he arranged for you to be beside him at supper back in the countryside, isn’t it? He wanted you, not me.”

Seth raised a hand, desperate to help. “Serena—”

Serena’s voice cracked as she interrupted him like he wasn’t even there. “And you let me go on and on about him like a stupid, little fool.”

“I didn’t want—” Isabel began.

Serena bit back a gasp of pain. “Did you two have a good laugh at my expense?”

Isabel’s mouth dropped open. “No, of course not.”

Isabel rushed toward her sister, but Serena shrank back to avoid any contact between them. It was clearly a shock to Isabel, for she skidded to a halt in surprise at her sister’s strong reaction.

A breath passed between them and Seth could only watch helplessly.

“We never intended—” he began, hoping he could say or do anything to fix this.

Serena shook her head to cut him off. “I don’t want to know. I wish I
didn’t
know.”

With that, Serena turned and rushed away toward the house. Seth watched Isabel. Her face crumpled, crushed and broken. Worse, Seth knew he had caused this. He should have listened to Jason.

He
should
have left her alone.

Chapter Twenty-Three

“So often we are told to do our duty, to think of others. But duty without pleasure, without hope, is not a recipe for happiness.”
—The Ladies Book of Pleasures

Isabel stood in stunned silence for a moment after her sister bolted away. How had it come to this? She had done everything in her power to protect Serena over the years. She had sacrificed and hoped for her. But now her sister was hurt and confused…and all because of Isabel’s lack of self-control.

Finally she shook off her shock. She had to find Serena. She had to explain, somehow. She darted forward to make chase, but before she had made it even a few steps, Seth caught her arm.

“Wait, wait, Isabel,” he whispered.

She turned toward him, looking up at him. His expression was drawn and filled with regret. This hadn’t been his plan any more than hers.

“Isabel, allow me to help,” he offered with a shake of his head. “I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry.”

She stared at him. God, how she wanted to fall into his arms and permit him to comfort her. To talk to him about how she felt and receive his counsel on what to do to ease Serena’s embarrassment and confusion.

But those weren’t things one did with a lover. Those were conversations to be shared with one’s
love
. There was a difference, and she could only ever be one thing to Seth, not the other. Trying to pretend otherwise only confused an already painful situation.

“Please, we both know you cannot give me more,” she whispered, her voice cracking. “And I can’t bear to have less from you one moment longer. Let me go after my sister alone. Leave me be so I can forget how much I—”

She cut herself off with a gasp and covered her mouth. She had almost confessed that she was in love with him. A disastrous thing indeed. But even though she hadn’t said it, it was clear from Seth’s wide-eyed expression that he was fully aware of the intention of her cutoff words.

She shook her head, turned on her heel and bolted away after Serena before she could make the situation any worse.

Her sister was no longer on the terrace, not that Isabel expected her to be. She moved into the main ballroom and scanned the crowded area for Serena’s familiar face and the bright yellow color of her ball gown. But there was nothing in the crowd. The panic she had been trying to quell rose up in her.

As she made another quick pass about the room, she saw Jacinda standing alone by the punch table. With trembling hands shoved at her sides, Isabel made her way to her friend with what she hoped was a calm expression.

“Dearest, what is it? You are so pale!” Jacinda said, crushing Isabel’s hopes that she was hiding her upset. “Is everything all right?”

“Have you seen my sister?” she asked, unable to suppress the tremble in her voice.

Jacinda nodded. “She passed through the room a moment ago. Last I saw her, she was heading into the hall.”

Isabel shut her eyes briefly. She hoped to God her sister hadn’t made some mad rush to return home unescorted. Not only was it dangerous, but unseemly.

“You need some kind of assistance, I can see that. What can I do?” Jacinda asked.

Isabel took her friend’s hand and squeezed gently. She was so lucky to have Grace and Jacinda in her life.

“Will you check to see if my carriage is still here?” she asked. “While I search the parlors?”

“Of course,” Jacinda said with a swift nod. “Should I look for you there?”

Isabel shook her head. Although she adored her friend, she feared Jacinda would not approve of her relationship with Seth and she didn’t want her overhearing a conversation with Serena if she did indeed find her. She already had one disillusioned loved one to face. She did not need two.

“Only if the vehicle is gone. If it is still outside and you come back to the ballroom to find I am not here, assume I’ve found her.”

Jacinda nodded. “Of course.”

The two women split and Isabel hurried down the hallway in the direction she prayed her sister had gone. Most of the doors were open and their chambers empty, but as she reached the end of the hall, she found one that was closed, though a light flickered in the space between the door and the floor.

Drawing in a deep breath, Isabel opened the door. Relief flowed through her as she saw the person she sought. Serena stood by the fire, staring into the flames. Her shoulders shook and were slumped in defeat and distress.

When Isabel closed the door behind her, Serena turned. Her already unhappy, tear-streaked face fell further when she saw her sister.

“Oh, please, Isabel, I came to a private room for a reason.” Serena sighed. “I cannot bear to hear you at present.”

“Well, I am your guardian and I’m offering you no choice,” Isabel said as she stalked across the parlor to stand before her sister. “I am going to talk and you
shall
listen.”

Serena gave the same pouting face she had shown when she was unhappy since she was a child, and Isabel almost smiled at the memories the expression evoked. Then she shook her head to regain focus.

“You should not have been forced to walk in on such a scene as you did on the terrace tonight,” Isabel began. Her cheeks burned with hot embarrassment, but somehow she continued, “I apologize for my shocking lack of discretion. I know it could have destroyed you if it had been someone else who intruded upon Seth and me on the terrace.”

“Oh, Isabel, it isn’t the chance of ruination that bothers me.” Serena shrugged. “Was I wrong when I guessed this has been going on for longer than just tonight?”

Isabel hesitated. She could lie, but there would be no point.

“No, you weren’t wrong. Seth and I imprudently engaged in an affair while we were visiting his country home,” she admitted with a heated blush.

Serena’s eyes widened. “Even though you knew I liked him?”

Isabel stared at her sister as an emotion more powerful than embarrassment began to bubble within her. She clenched her teeth and ground out, “It began before you liked him.”

“But you continued it after. And perhaps your actions made me lose out on some kind of connection to Lord Lyndham.”

There were times when Isabel remembered that her sister was quite young. And there were times when she thought the girl had been too spoiled both by their late parents and, God help her, by her. At this moment, both hit her square in the face.

“Do you believe you lost something?” she murmured, trying to keep her tone in check, but failing with each word. “You liked Seth for all of a day and a half and you were already on to the next foolish
tendre
not two minutes after we returned to London.”

Her sister hesitated. Clearly she hadn’t expected such an emotional reply. “Still—”

Isabel moved toward her. “Do you want to know what
I
lost, Serena? My girlhood, by marrying an old man. My chance at being a mother because I am barren. My freedom because I was privileged
and
forced to raise you and Marjorie after our parents’ deaths. And now I have lost the man I love. The man I
love
, because he needs a wife who can provide him heirs and I cannot do that. So if we are talking about loss and grief, have a care, sister. You do not know the half of it.”

The moment the angry, heated words were out of her mouth and Isabel heard them in the air around her, she realized just how much she had been keeping in. Without warning, she sank into a chair and began to cry.

Serena stared at her, her eyes wide, and then she rushed to her sister and dropped to her knees as she embraced Isabel.

“I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry,” Serena sobbed. “I’ve been selfish and foolish and you are right to be angry. I haven’t thought of you at all.”

Isabel hugged her sister back as her own tears slowly subsided. “It is I who is sorry,” she whispered as she wiped her eyes. “I should not have gotten so upset.”

Serena shook her head. “No! You have been the most wonderful sister and mother and friend I could ever ask for. And you have done it all almost entirely on your own. You need never apologize for how you feel.”

Isabel touched her sister’s face gently. Her words meant so much, she couldn’t even express it fully.

“Do you truly love Lord Lyndham?” Serena whispered.

Isabel nodded. There was no use prevaricating now. The truth was out.

“Yes, I love him with all my heart.” She swallowed back the continuing tears that confession inspired.

Serena shut her eyes with a sad little sigh. “And is there truly
no
way you could be together?”

She sighed. “None that I can see. Unfortunately, life is not like your novels. Not everyone can have a happily ever after. But Marjorie has, and I still believe you shall as well.”

“But what about
your
happiness?” her sister pressed.

Isabel got to her feet and paced the room. “I’m certain there is
some
kind of happiness in store for me too. Just not…just not with Lord Lyndham.”

“Oh, Isabel,” her sister whispered in a shaky tone.

Isabel turned toward her with a weak smile.

“I don’t wish to see you torment yourself about my situation, Serena. I love you for wanting to help me, but some things…well, they aren’t meant to be, that’s all.” She shook her head. “Now why don’t we depart early? My head is aching and I long to go home and forget this night ever happened.”

Serena stared at her for a long moment and then she nodded. “If that is what you desire, of course. There is no one here of consequence anyway!”

Isabel couldn’t help but laugh as her sister linked arms with her and the two women left the parlor for their carriage. But even as she tried to feign calm emotions for her sister, Isabel was fully aware that she wouldn’t soon forget this night.

And she wasn’t certain happiness would be a visitor to her any time soon.

Seth sat in a chair before his mother’s roaring fire. He was slumped down, staring at the crackling flames, his thoughts playing and replaying the previous night. Jason’s angry accusations, seeing Isabel, touching her, humiliating her in front of her sister… They all mashed together to confuse and trouble him.

Was everything he believed about himself and his future a lie?

His mother set a cup of tea on the table beside him and smiled as she took a place at his right.

“How did you enjoy the ball last night?” she asked, oblivious to his torn feelings. “I saw you there briefly, but then you were so busy dancing that we never had a chance to say hello.”

Seth’s stomach turned. He had stayed, hoping to forget what had happened on the terrace. But being with other women only underscored that the one he wanted had fled, demanding he leave her alone once and for all.

But she had done so after very nearly declaring her love for him. That truncated statement of her heart still rang in his ears.

He had relived it so many times that even his dreams last night had been troubled with images of her. Not of her in his bed, but of her saying she loved him again and again. Only he could never say it back. His voice was muted and all he could do was reach for her but never touch her as she faded further and further away.

“Seth?” his mother pressed.

He shook off his thoughts and straightened up. “The ball was fine, Mother. Though it was no different than a thousand others of the same type I’ve attended over the years. There was nothing special about it.”

She smiled, though he could see she was troubled by his dour mood. “It is the company that makes any event different or special, my dear.”

Seth shut his eyes. Indeed, that was true.

She continued, “There were so many lovely young women who you spoke to or danced with. Did any of them catch your eye?”

He tried to remember any of the others and couldn’t recall even a one. He remembered the dancing, the talking, but when he tried to picture a partner, no image came.

“No,” he said softly. “None of my partners interested me in the slightest, I fear.”

She frowned. “Oh. Well, I have invited Lady Gladwell, Lady Irvine-Stanford and Lady Macclesfield to tea today, along with their daughters, all of whom are eligible young women. You must come down to meet them, perhaps one of
them
will tempt you.”

Seth stared at her. His mother had a wild determination in her eyes that had been growing there since she caught him in the garden with Isabel. Her drive to marry him “properly” had only increased, it seemed.

And his interest in that idea had waned equally.

He rubbed his eyes. “Although I appreciate your efforts on this score, I honestly do not see the point in continuing to act out this charade. I can tell you that there could be no one to tempt me to marriage this Season. I’m not in the right mind-set, even if I did meet a woman who would make a suitable bride.”

He said the last two words with a bitter taste in this mouth that turned his stomach.

His mother’s face paled and her eyes grew wide as she stared at him. He had recognized her earlier concern with his malaise, but now that concern was transformed to the beginnings of panic.

“I don’t think all hope is lost yet,” she said, her voice fringing on the edge of hysteria. “Lady Gladwell’s daughter is very nice. Lady Genevieve is her name. She is pretty as a rose, with all the intelligence and wit you value. I think over time and with some effort on your part, you could come to like her a great deal.”

Seth stared at his mother. She had just struck upon his biggest roadblock in this path to his proper bride. All the women he met who would fit the mold his mother planned for him, the mold that supposedly honored his brother’s memory, were people he would have to exert
effort
in order to keep an interest in. Courting them would be work, something he would have to choose to continue doing every day.

With Isabel, his feelings were easy. Every morning at his estate, he had looked forward to seeing her. Their conversations had come effortlessly and were filled with laughter and true connection. And at night…well, the craving to be with her hadn’t faded even when he had been forced to let her go. Even now, he wanted her, he
longed
for her.