A Measure of Love (29 page)

Long Lake on a hot Sunday in July was beautiful. Lexie and Riley wandered along the shore, eating the ice creams they’d bought from Moomers while Noah ran ahead, arms out wide, running in and out of the shallowest parts of the water and splashing like it was the best thing he’d ever done.

“This was a great idea,” Riley said, looking out toward the lake. “It’s been so long since I’ve been here.” The nice thing about Long Lake was that it was mostly for residents, so, although it did get busy, the water was sand-bottomed, clean, and not dirtied by hundreds of tourists.

“I love coming here,” Lexie replied. “When I moved back here I’d bring Noah and I’d sit watching him play.” She watched her feet while she walked. “I’d think about you mostly.” She shook her head and looked up and out toward the water. “I wasted so much time, Riley. I should have called you.”

Riley agreed in the deepest parts of his heart, the most wounded parts, but he couldn’t keep looking back to the past. He and Lexie were both different people now with different priorities, different views on what they had been, and what they wanted to be. Her apologies helped him for sure, and he knew they had to make her feel better, but they’d agreed to move forward.

The rest of the day was one of the best Riley had ever had. They spent some of it on the water, swimming and playing together, and then they ate at the lake restaurant. Noah continued to captivate Riley at every turn, and the fact that the little boy was becoming
more tactile and open with him was simply incredible. Lexie could barely get a word in edgewise between father and son, but the soft, wistful look in her eye told Riley she didn’t mind.

“Are you coming backs to our house?” Noah asked, his mouth full of pizza, from his seat opposite Riley.

“If you’d like me to,” Riley offered with a smile.

“Yes,” Noah insisted. “Comes and stay with me and Mommy.”

Riley looked over the table at Lexie. “I can stay for a little while.”

“And has a sleepover? Mommy, can Riley sleeps over?”

Lexie coughed gently into her napkin. Riley smiled at the pink flush that appeared on her cheeks. “Riley needs to go home to his own bed, sweetheart.”

Noah frowned at Riley. “You do?”

“Yeah, buddy. I get scared if I’m not in my own bed.” He sipped his drink. “Maybe another time.”

“Okay.” He whipped his head around to Lexie at his side. “Can I has dessert now, Mommy?” He leaned over and placed a small hand on her cheek. Riley wondered how Lexie could resist the little boy when he looked at her that way. Riley knew he’d give the kid just about anything when he busted out those cute Puss in Boots eyes.

“Hmm,” she mused. “Did you eat all of your—?” Noah quickly lifted his plate to show her that he’d eaten everything save for a couple of fries and the crust from the pizza.

Lexie chuckled. “Then I guess so.”

Noah beamed and clambered up so he was kneeling on his seat and kissed Lexie’s cheek. “I loves you.”

“All the world, baby,” Lexie replied, glancing quickly at Riley before she handed Noah a menu and showed him the pictures of the desserts on offer. Noah quickly decided on apple pie. “Wave to the waitress when she next passes,” Lexie said, moving Noah’s plate out of the way so he had room to finish coloring in the picture
of the lake on the paper place mat he’d been given when they’d arrived.

Riley sat back, watching the two of them, seeing their routines and the love they had for one another in every word and action. It made his own heart beat a little faster, as though the love the two of them shared was slowly seeping into him, too. It was hard to be around them and not get lost in fantasies about the three of them being together, permanently, like a real family.

Shit, was that what he wanted? Sitting with Lexie and Noah now, with the sensation of the sun still warm on his skin, he would say absolutely. But this was just one day. How would it work for the rest of their lives? It certainly wasn’t difficult to conjure up old memories of when he’d thought seriously about being with Lexie forever, but they’d lost their potency with all that had happened between them. He had reconciled with the fact that he wouldn’t have to fall back in love with Lexie—that shit had never gone away—but things were so different now.

Riley had thought long and hard about what he wanted with her since the night she’d given him the photo album. As each day passed, she continued to try so damned hard to make up for keeping him and Noah apart, and, if Riley were truly honest, her efforts were working. Riley didn’t want her to spend every day groveling, as much as others thought she deserved to. It tore him up to see her so submissive, despite how angry he had been with her. He simply wanted to get to know his son. Spending time with Lexie was an added bonus.

Deep down, Riley knew she’d started to create dents in the armor he’d kept resolutely around his heart when she was near, while the trust she’d shattered was slowly healing. For every day that they spent together, every time he watched her play with their son, each time Riley saw what an amazing mother she was, like just now, shards of that trust fused back together.

“Are you all right?” Lexie asked, her expression concerned.

Riley blinked back into the room, allowing the blue of her gaze to solder together more of the faith he’d had in her, in them, and smiled. “Sure. Just thinking.”

Her face relaxed. “Good things?”

Riley paused for a beat before he nodded. “Yeah. Good things.”

An hour later, back at Lexie’s place, Riley offered to help Noah get cleaned up in the bath. It was the most fun Riley had had in ages, playing with all of Noah’s bath toys, and he was almost as soaked as the kid was when he picked him up out of the water. He helped Noah choose his pajamas but left him to join Lexie downstairs, after rubbing at his own clothes with a towel in an effort to dry himself.

Lexie laughed when she saw the state he was in. It looked like he’d wet himself. She handed him a glass of wine. “Oh God.”

Riley held his arms out wide. “Bath time is officially awesome.”

Lexie quickly reached for a dish towel and approached him. “I’m so sorry,” she said with a smile as she wiped at his chest. “He thinks splashing is the best thing ever.”

Riley held her wrist gently, stopping her fussing. “I said it’s okay. I had a great time.” She looked up at him and Riley was momentarily struck dumb by how fucking beautiful she was. The curve of her upper lip beckoned him like a siren’s call and, before he knew what he was doing, he bent his head to kiss her.

“Mommy!”

Riley’s head snapped up at the sound of Noah’s feet pounding down the stairs. Lexie stepped away from him and ran a hand through her hair. “In here. Have you brushed your teeth?”

“Yes,” Noah replied, skidding into the kitchen.

“Let me smell.”

Noah approached Lexie with a reading book under his arm and opened his mouth, breathing out heavily into her face when she crouched down to meet him. “Oh!” she exclaimed. “Nice and minty.”

“Can Riley reads to me my bedtime story?”

Lexie glanced up at Riley, her breathing seemingly a little labored. “If you ask nicely, I’m sure Riley would love to read to you.”

“Come on, Riley,” Noah urged, pulling on Riley’s hand and dragging him into the living room. “Sit there,” he ordered, pointing to the sofa. Riley chuckled and did as he was told, as Noah scrambled up onto it next to him, still holding the book. He sat as close to Riley as he could and slapped the book onto his lap. Riley smiled. “
The Velveteen Rabbit
?”

“It’s my favorite,” Noah told him.

Riley looked at his son. “It’s my favorite, too.”

Noah’s face was ecstatic. “Please cans you read it?”

Riley placed his wineglass onto the coffee table. “Sure, buddy. I’d love to.” He sat back, wrapped an arm around Noah, and opened the hard-backed book, marveling at the illustrations. Noah pointed with a small finger at the first page. “It starts here.”

Riley nodded, looking briefly at Lexie as she sat down in the chair by the fireplace, trying his hardest not to think about what would have happened if he’d kissed her, what it would have felt like. “Okay.” He cleared his throat.
“There was once a velveteen rabbit, and in the beginning he was really splendid.”

Riley read the story, putting on voices that made both Noah and Lexie giggle. As he read, Noah squeezed closer to his side and Lexie leaned over the arm of her seat, her chin in her hand, occasionally sipping her wine. Riley allowed himself to imagine the moment as a small glimpse into what his future could look like. He took a quick photograph in his mind of the scene and stored it, knowing he would pull it out on the days he was away from the two of them.

“ ‘That?’ said the doctor. ‘Why, it’s a mass of scarlet fever germs! Burn it at once. What? Nonsense! Get him a new one. He mustn’t have that anymore!’ ”

“Riley.”

Riley looked over to Lexie to see her gesturing with a tilt of her chin toward Noah. He looked down to see the little boy fast asleep, curled up against his side. He was just about the most perfect thing Riley had ever seen. He closed the book and gathered Noah to him, picking him up just as he’d done out of his car the night before.

“He’s making a habit of this,” Riley whispered as he headed toward the stairs.

“Do you need a hand?” Lexie asked as she stood.

Riley shook his head. “I got it.”

In the bedroom, Riley placed Noah on the bed and covered him as he’d seen Lexie do the previous evening. He kissed Noah’s head and left the door open a crack before rejoining Lexie in the living room, where she was picking up a few of Noah’s toys and books and placing them in the blue box by the TV. She turned to him as he approached. “He okay?”

“Dead to the world.”

“Yeah, he’s always been a good sleeper.”

“Unlike you,” Riley commented, moving closer to her.

She shook her head. “No. Thank God. He sleeps just like his father.” She pressed her lips together before speaking again. “I love watching you with him,” she murmured. She cocked her head a little. “You know he falls asleep on you because he’s so comfortable with you, right?”

Riley felt his heart soar. “Really?”

“He only does that with me, Mom, and Sav usually.”

Riley took in every inch of Lexie’s face, the freckles, small scars, and marks that he knew with his eyes closed. “I like that he feels that way.” Riley was more than a little aware of how the atmosphere around them had changed, charged, and snapped as they gazed at one another. “You know, it’s going to get harder for me to keep leaving.”

“It’s already getting harder to watch you leave,” she replied. “When do you go back to New York?”

“I know Max said I can stay however long I want, but I can’t do that to him. We’re partners, and I need a paycheck. I’ll stay for a few more days.”

She nodded. “Maybe Noah and I can come back with you some time.” She smiled. “I’ve never been to New York.”

Riley stared at her in astonishment. “You’d do that? You’d come and see me?”

Lexie shrugged nonchalantly. “Of course. Noah would love it.” Her blue eyes darkened. “I’d go anywhere for you. I always would have.”

Riley’s mouth was on hers before he even realized the need he had to kiss her. And fuck’s sake, wasn’t it just as he remembered. Her arms were quickly around his neck and she moaned into his mouth.

As always happened when they gave themselves over to their desire, they folded into one another. He pulled her close, her body pressed into his from thighs to chest and, God, she felt so damned perfect, so familiar against him. Their tongues met, first in her mouth and then in his, dancing back and forth like reunited old friends. Her taste.
Her taste.
It was the same. His body pulsed, as though every part of him sang for her, wanting to feel her inside and out.

“Fuck,” he panted when they broke apart, pressing himself closer. “We can’t.”

Her breath flew across his face, hot and gasping. “I’m sorry.”

Riley huffed a laugh. “For what?
I
kissed
you.
” He held her when he felt her try to pull away.

“I don’t want to pressure you or force you into something, Riley.”

“You’re not.”

“I only want to be honest with you and, the truth is, this is all up to you. I
want
you, I want all of you, but I don’t want you to think you have to want me back because of Noah.”

Riley let his eyes wander over her, let his hands tighten their grip on her. Was that what he was doing? Was this because of Noah? He kissed her again and she moaned against his lips. No. This was the two of them, how they always were. He could already feel the heat between them start to gain momentum. His mouth moved to her jaw. “I want us.” He lifted his head. “But I want us to be patient. No rushing.”

The look in Lexie’s eyes told him she knew he was right. They had to think carefully about what they were about to do. There were too many variables to consider, Noah being the most important. She kissed him softly. “Okay.”

He nuzzled her temple. “Let’s take the time I spend in New York as time to think about where we go from here.” He sighed and rubbed his hands up and down her arms. “When I get back we can talk more.”

“I’d like that.”

They sat back on the sofa and for the rest of the evening they talked about easy things, things that weren’t scary or dangerous. Every so often, Riley found that he needed to reach out and touch her. His hands ran through her hair or touched her hand. They laughed and reminisced, and, as the hours passed, Riley allowed the hope he’d tried to keep under lock and key back in. Like water from a broken dam it surged around his body, lighting him from the inside out. As scared as he knew he should feel allowing it to happen, Riley knew he’d never felt more alive.

·   ·   ·

For the next month and a half Riley split his time between New York and Michigan, hating every moment he was away from Noah and Lexie, and living for the days he flew back to see them. Today was one of those days of anticipation, except he wasn’t the one doing the flying.

“Jeez, man, what’s up with you?” Max sniggered as Riley bopped
and dipped across O’Hare’s to the rocking sounds of Radiohead. It wasn’t that Riley didn’t normally dance around—his running man was world famous, after all—but today there was definitely a little more slide and boogie to his moves.