A Measure of Love (25 page)

Now, unthinkingly, Lexie reached out a hand and placed it on his forearm. He turned to look at her, dividing his attention between where she was touching him and the road before he shifted his arm away. She shouldn’t have been surprised, but it hurt nonetheless.

The car pulled to a stop in the parking lot and Riley turned off the engine. He sat for a moment, fingers tapping the steering wheel, before he pulled off his shades and looked over at her. “Lex, we both have to stop beating ourselves up for the past. You said shit, I said shit, and we punished each other by fucking. It was a mess for years.”

An unexpected burst of laughter bubbled up Lexie’s throat.
“Such a way with words.” It didn’t matter that they were all true. “But I get what you’re saying.”

“Good.” He looked down at where she’d touched his arm. “I want us to be friends, Lex. I really do. But I need to be clear: I can’t let
us
get in the way of my getting to know Noah. I would never forgive myself if something happened between us and you stopped me from seeing him.”

Lexie’s eyes widened. “I would never do that.”

Riley’s expression saddened. “You already
did
do that, Lex. You chose not to tell me about him. You’ve kept us apart for four years.”

Lexie swallowed hard, fisting her hands in her lap.

“I need to trust you again,” he said quietly, his stare on the people walking through the parking lot toward the bay. “I need to understand why, I need to . . . take time and think about what I want.”

She breathed deeply, seeing the conflict in his eyes. It killed her that she’d put it there. “Whatever you need,” she said gently.

The air in the car began to fizzle as they looked at one another. Her pulse spiked, and the frantic need she had to touch him caused her to reach up and cup his face. The sensation of his beard against her skin made her throat dry. For one breathtaking moment, he leaned into her touch before he sighed and moved back again. “Come on,” he said, his voice deep, “I need a beer.”

They climbed out of the car and walked the six blocks down to the bay, where the stages were constructed for all the bands. Music filled the evening air, along with the scents of beer and barbeque. Lexie stayed close to Riley’s side as they maneuvered through the crowds before deciding on a relatively quiet spot by a railing, where they could watch the show without being pushed and crushed in the throngs of people. Riley bought them both a beer and a hot dog, which they enjoyed in the time it took for the summer sky to darken. Lights hanging from posts and curled around trees began to turn on all around them as they caught up.

Riley talked about his work and his friends in New York, and Lexie told him about her own shop and her dream of expanding. She told him about Noah and the first time he sat up, and when he stood and took his first step. She described how he looked like a dot-to-dot puzzle when he got chickenpox and how he was excited to start school in September. She kept talking, loving the expression of pride on Riley’s face, but hating the way his hazel stare would occasionally sadden and twist into something angry and pained. She stopped and leaned her arms on the railing.

“I know you should have been there for all of that, Riley,” she murmured.

He mirrored her pose. “Yeah, I should have.” His words were clipped and honest. He shook his head minutely. “But you’ve done an amazing job with him, Lex. You’re a great mom.”

She didn’t appreciate how important that was to hear until he said it. “Thank you. He makes it easy for me.” She paused. “And he’ll make it easy for you, too. You’ll be there for everything else and I’ll never keep anything from you again.” She’d hidden so much from him over the years—the extent of her depression, her desperate need for him in spite of the fact that she pushed him away, their son.

“You swear it?” he asked quietly. “No bullshit. I have to be able to trust you again.”

“I know and I swear it. No bullshit.”

Riley sipped his drink. She nudged his shoulder with her own. “So tell me about you.” She let her finger trail around the lip of her plastic beer cup. “Have you ever been serious about anyone?”

He shook his head, staring out toward the bay. “Other than you? No. I tried to forget us, tried to move on, and, honestly, I thought I was doin’ okay, but . . . no. No one came close.” Lexie hated that she felt relieved. She really had no right after the way she’d behaved. “You?”

She shook her head. “There was never any point trying.”

As the music echoed from the stage, she and Riley continued to talk. The longer they talked, the easier it became. It was truly lovely to catch glimpses of the friendship she’d cherished, chatting the way they used to. There was no pressure, no tension.

The only other time the conversation became serious was when Lexie asked about Riley’s father. There was clearly strain there, which Riley did his best to downplay, and it broke Lexie’s heart knowing how important Park’s approval had always been to Riley.

“I was wondering what you thought about my speaking to your mom,” Lexie hedged. Riley cocked an eyebrow in question. “And your dad, maybe. Your whole family, really. I want to explain. I know you’ve probably told them my reasons, but I’d like to have the opportunity to clear the air myself. I owe your mom . . . so much. And they’re Noah’s family, too.”

Riley glanced out at the bay. “I think that would be a good idea.” He didn’t need to say it; she could see it on his face: Joan was disappointed in her.

Lexie pushed her hair back, feeling warm, flustered. “Okay. I’ll stop by in a few days. Leave your dad to recuperate a little more.”

Suddenly aware of the music playing as they stood there, Lexie giggled. The song emitting from the nearby speakers was the Backstreet Boys’ “I Want It That Way.” “God, this brings back memories.”

Riley chuckled. “It does. You drove me crazy with this damned song.”

It was true; she’d put it on replay for at least a week, learning the dance routines with Sav and miming along to all the Nick Carter parts. She’d known Riley had never cared for that type of music, but he’d tolerated it just for her. Innocent and carefree memories flickered through her mind, stealing her breath.

Her cheeks warmed. “My heart had never beaten as hard as it did when I saw you on the porch the evening of the Junior Dance, waiting for
me
.” She turned to him. “You know, when I was pregnant,”
she whispered, “and I remembered some of the things we did together, Noah would kick so hard, like he knew it was you I was thinking about.”

For a brief second, longing seemed to flicker across Riley’s face, but it was gone as quickly as it appeared. Lexie’s heart clenched. “I hated what had become of us.”

Riley’s shoulders dropped. “I know. So did I. I still do, but—” He opened his mouth but stopped himself, pressing his lips together.

“Tell me,” Lexie implored. “Be honest with me. Tell me what you feel.”

“I feel robbed, Lex,” he blurted, his eyes flaring with heat. “I feel let down. I’m so fucking angry with you, I can’t— It’s bullshit that you didn’t say anything. I mean, okay, you didn’t need to tell me in person; I get that, but something, some note, a fucking text, a phone call.” He stood to his full height, his anger gaining traction with each word he spat. “You kept the most important thing in my life away from me, a secret.” A muscle in his jaw twitched. “What right did you have to do that?”

“None,” Lexie replied. “I had none. But I was protecting myself, protecting Noah.”

“From what?” Riley exclaimed, incredulous. “I made a mistake, Lex. I served time. Big fuckin’ deal. I was still the man you knew, the man who would have done anything for you, been there for you, loved you both without question.” His chest heaved.

Lexie’s eyes stung. It had been so long since she’d seen him so fired up. She’d almost forgotten how magnificent he was. She watched as the ire in him began to recede. He gulped the last of his beer and chucked his empty cup into a nearby trash can. He pushed his hands into his pockets and shifted from foot to foot. It took a lot for Riley to get so irate and almost as long for him to calm back down. Lexie waited at his side, letting his accusations and vitriol fall around her, knowing she deserved nothing less. They were both
silent for a long time before she spoke again. “I’ll do everything I can to make it up to you,” she murmured. “I promise.”

She glanced at him and was struck by the intensity of his stare. It made her want to laugh and cry at the same time. His lack of response weighed heavy and thick between them, and was as loud as though he’d screamed it in her face: he didn’t believe her.

There had been very few times in Lexie’s life when she felt as nervous as she did standing on the Moore family porch, fidgeting and sweating in the godforsaken heat. She closed her eyes for a brief moment and breathed. She just needed to keep calm. She knew the music she was about to face was deserved and overdue, but that didn’t go much toward calming her down.

The only thing that did appease her was the fact that, even after so many years, the house was still the same. The lawn was still cut to perfection and was the same vibrant green that Park had always taken great pride in. There were the beautiful explosions of color from the numerous potted flowers—geraniums were Joan’s favorite—and the water hose, which Lexie and Riley would play with all summer long, still sat as though paused in history. It was more than a little comforting.

Lexie gathered herself and knocked. She’d asked Riley to tell his parents that she intended to visit and hoped beyond hope they’d give her a chance to explain. If she knew Joan and Park at all, there would be little to worry about. But that did little to ease the knot in her chest.

She was pulled from her frenzied thoughts by the door opening. Joan stood in the doorway, apparently not surprised to see Lexie, her ash-blonde hair short and elegant in constructed waves that made her appear much younger than she was. It had struck Lexie when she’d seen Joan at the shop that she’d changed very little from the second mother Lexie remembered from her childhood.
A wave of shame and regret crashed over Lexie, whipping the air from her lungs, leaving her desperate to be collected into one of Joan’s legendary hugs that had always had the power to make her feel better.

Instead she shifted where she stood and tried to smile. “Hi, Joan.”

“Alexis,” Joan replied. “Riley said you might visit, but I have to admit, I’m surprised to see you.” There was a curtness to her tone, but her face was all motherly love.

Lexie nodded. “Is it all right if I come in? I won’t stay long.”

Joan regarded her for a brief moment before she stood back and gestured for Lexie to enter. The house smelled exactly the same.
Exactly.
It was the fragrance of long childhood summers, stormy nights, baking, and boys. As she looked around at the clean floors and spotless carpeted staircase, Lexie recollected how she’d always marveled at the fact that, even with four sons, Joan managed to keep her house looking immaculate.