A Pinstriped Finger's My Only Friend (16 page)

(I'm talking about their
guns
.)

They both train their weapons on Judd.

(Who's
also
naked, don't forget.)

*****

As the cops take a good look at Judd, they scowl and wrinkle their noses in disgust. One of the women even looks away, like she can't stand the sight of him.

"You sick piece of work." The male cop shakes his head, then hollers over his shoulder to someone in the hall. "You were right to
call
us, sir! It's worse than you even
said
."

In response, Judd's dad enters the room carrying a wooden baseball bat. He's as naked as everyone else...

(Unfortunately for his poor traumatized kid!)

...and also has the words JUST LIKE YOU in blinking lights across the chest. "As soon as we saw him on the security cameras, we grabbed the phone, officer."

Judd and I look up at the same time. It's only then that we realize there's a little black camera mounted in the far corner of the ceiling, complete with tiny red light.

"Vigilance is our only hope in the face of nonconformity." Those words come from Mom, who walks in behind Dad, as naked as he is. (Speaking of
traumatized
!) "We did not
expect
this day, but we were
prepared
for it."

"Nevertheless," says Dad, "I have never been more
ashamed
in my
life
." He shakes his head and smacks the bat against the palm of his hand. "Our son, the
freak
."

"I'm no freak." Judd manages a friendly smile.

"A freak
and
a liar." Mom hisses the words. "Just
look
at yourself.
Tattoos
and
nail polish
?"

"You must be made to conform!" snaps Dad, and both female cops cheer in support.

Suddenly, a new voice breaks in from the hall. "Coming through! Coming through!"

The cops and Mom and Dad clear a path, and another naked guy (also with JUST LIKE YOU in white chest-lights) rushes into the room. He's carrying a case the size of a tool kit or a tackle box, which he plunks down on the edge of the bed. "The perfect way for a paramedic to wrap up a perfect friggin' day." He shakes his head with disgust as he opens the case and yanks out a stethoscope. "You're the worst case of freakish nonconformity I've seen all
week
." He sticks the stethoscope earpieces in his ears and leans toward Judd.

"
You're
the
freak
!" I know he won't hear it, but I say it anyway. Gettin' tired of the unanimous
disgust
around here!

Before Judd can say a word or make a move, the paramedic clamps the bell of the stethoscope on Judd's bare chest over his heart. "Just giving you a quick checkup to make sure you're healthy enough for radical
rehab
."

"That's right, Judd! Radical rehab!" Dad smacks the bat in the palm of his hand again. "They'll get you back to looking and acting the way you should. Just like everyone else." He points the bat at the lit-up words across his chest. "
Just like us
, Judd."

"One way or another, your criminal differentiation is at an
end
, boy," snaps the male cop (who hasn't lowered his gun for even a second this whole time). He sneers when he says it.

So does the blonde female cop behind him. "If they can't
rehab
it outta you, they'll
kill
it outta you!"

"And I'll be first in line to pull the
switch
." Mom narrows her eyes and shakes her finger at Judd like a wicked crone in a movie.

(A
naked
wicked crone!)

"After all you've
put
me through." Mom horks up a loogie and spits it on the floor by the bed.

She barely misses the paramedic, who suddenly holds up a hand. "Everybody, quiet! I can't
hear
." As everyone stops talking, he bends back to his task, moving the stethoscope bell around Judd's chest and listening intently. "What the heck?" He leans even closer, shutting his eyes and scowling. "Well, I'll be a monkey's carbuncle."

"What is it?" says Wicked Naked Mom.

The paramedic opens his eyes and leans up from Judd. "I can't find a
heartbeat
."

I pop up straight in a state of shock. "
What
??"

"No
heartbeat
?" Dad smacks the bat in his palm.

(Glad I'm not a pinky on
his
hand right now!!)

"Is that even
possible
?" says the brunette female cop.

The paramedic nods and raises an eyebrow. "For a
dead man
, it is." He shakes his head. "I thought at first there was just too much noise for me to hear it, but no. This nonconformist punk doesn't have a
pulse
."

Mom utters an obscene word that I've never heard her say before. Then she spits on the floor again. "What did you
do
to yourself, you
freak
?"

The paramedic leans down and tries once more to find a heartbeat. He moves the stethoscope bell all over Judd's chest, even presses it to his stomach and sides. Then he sighs. "Nothing." He takes out the stethoscope earpieces and presses two fingers into the base of Judd's throat. He tries Judd's wrist, too, before he throws up his hands in surrender. "There is
definitely
no
pulse
. I don't know how this punk is still
alive
."

Ball Bat Dad pokes him in the shoulder with his bat. "What could
cause
something like that?"

"It's pretty
obvious
, isn't it?" The paramedic tosses his stethoscope into his kit and slams the lid shut. "Not having a functioning
heart
causes that."

The blonde female cop grins and nods. "So he's even
more
of a freak than we
thought
."

"This takes freakishness to a whole new
level
," says the brunette cop.

Meanwhile, Judd puts his right hand over the place where his heart should be, which gives me a chance for an up-close inspection. Even as I listen, I know what I'll find.

I didn't notice it sooner because of the distractions of being reunited with Judd. But once the paramedic brought it up, it started to dawn on me. Something
had
been missing since our return; it didn't even seem like much of a surprise now that I thought about it. It must have registered with me on some level, though it hadn't come to my conscious attention until now.

The thing that had been missing was a
heartbeat
. The naked paramedic is a jerk and a half, but...

"He's right." Judd says it softly, so the others don't hear. They're too busy arguing about what they're going to do with him to notice he's talking to his pinky finger. "My heart isn't beating."

"Maybe you don't need one, dude," I tell him. "You're still alive and kicking, right?"

"But how could this happen?" whispers Judd.

"It must not have come back with the rest of you."

Judd thinks it over, frowning. "Like it couldn't make it back for some reason?"

"Or maybe it didn't
want
to." This is hitting a little close to home.

"But it's
part
of me," says Judd. "Why
wouldn't
it want to come back?"

(That one's easy, man.)

"Maybe it decided it liked its freedom."

(Can I
identify
, or
what
?)

Suddenly, our conversation's interrupted by a bunch of clothes being thrown on top of Judd. They take him by surprise, so he gasps and lurches forward when they hit.

"Put those on!" snaps Wicked Naked Mom. "Cover yourself! We can't have you going out in
public
like that."

Judd slides his legs off the bed and paws through the clothes--a heavy gray sweater, gray corduroy pants...and a gray
ski hat
and
mittens
?

(Did
winter
come
early
this year?)

"You
heard
the lady!" The male cop lunges forward and cocks his gun. "Get dressed, freak!"

Judd gets up and pulls on the pants. The whole time he's putting them on, everyone's staring at him like he's the scum of the Earth.

(Staring at
us
. That's how it feels. Pinky finger freedom was the bestest
ever
, I kid you not, but these nasty nudists have brought back a spirit of unity to the Oogachucka/Judd team.)

Judd reaches for the sweater. He's in the process of pulling it down over his arms and head when he suddenly stops with the neck just under his nose.

"Hey!" shouts the male cop. "Quit stalling!"

But Judd doesn't do as he's told. Instead, he stares at his left hand. The one with the red-pinstriped pinky.

And he frowns.

The male cop lunges forward another step and shakes the gun at Judd. "Are you
deaf
? Keep moving or you're a
dead man
!"

Still, Judd doesn't follow orders. He just stands there, sweater around his mouth and chin, and stares at his left hand. And then he does something that surprises me.

He
talks
to his left hand. "Seriously?" That's what he says to it. Then this: "But won't they kill me?"

(What. In the fudge. Is
that
all about?)

Meanwhile, the cop's getting more cheesed by the second. "I said
move it!
"

The blonde female cop storms up beside him and chimes in. "Are you
trying
to get killed here, punk?"

But Judd continues to ignore them and talk to his left hand. "Are you
sure
this'll work?"

By now, I'm a little on the freaked-out side. "Who are you
talking
to, dude?"

He doesn't answer
me
, either. "All right then," he says to his left hand. "If you're
sure
."

Then, he pulls his sweater back over his head and flings it on the bed. He follows that by opening his pants and dropping them on the spot.

"He
does
have a death wish!" says the blonde police woman.

"Guess he wants a little suicide-by-cop!" says the brunette.

"So give it to him!" shouts Wicked Naked Mom.

All three cops line up side by side with weapons raised and pointed at Judd. "Last warning, punk," says the guy. "Comply or die!"

Judd hesitates. He looks like he's listening to something I can't hear. Then he nods and spreads his arms wide. "I don't think so. How about if
you
get out of my way, or I'll
touch
you!"

Everyone in the room gasps at once. No kidding. Even Wicked Naked Mom and Ball Bat Dad.

"What if my nonconformity
rubs off
?" Judd steps forward, and all three cops shrink back at once. "What if it's contagious? What if I make you
just like me
?"

Everyone gasps again.

"You can't do that!" snarls Wicked Naked Mom.

Judd pauses, tipping his head left as if he's listening to something in that direction. "Are you
sure
about that? Are you willing to bet your
conformity
on it?"

Suddenly, he lunges forward and shouts "
Boo
!" The cops flinch and stumble backward. Mom covers her head and runs out the door. Ball Bat Dad backs up so fast, he knocks over a lamp on the nightstand.

Judd smiles and lowers his voice. "You were right." It's the quiet voice he uses when he's talking only to me. Except he isn't looking at me this time; he's looking left. "They're
scared
of me."

"Last chance to stay alive!" says the police guy. "Put on the sweater and come peacefully!"

Judd laughs and sticks out his right leg, the one that's covered in red welts from the knee down. "I bet
this
is contagious! It
itches
like crazy!"

The cops take another stumbling step backward, staring at the leg the whole time.

"Like my tattoos?" Judd holds up his right arm and rubs it with his left hand. "I think the ink's still wet. Let's see if it transfers to one of
you
."

The brunette police woman makes a choking sound and backs out the door. Ball Bat Dad does the opposite, hauling his bat back for a swing as he steps toward Judd.

Without hesitation, Judd springs into action, lashing out with his hyper-muscular left leg. He catches Dad in the gut with pulverizing force, making him double over and drop the bat.

Then, Judd spins and points a finger at the two remaining cops--his
left pinky finger
. "Bow before the power of
nonconformity
! By the time I'm done with you, you'll never fit in again! You'll always be
different
and
special
." He jabs his left pinky--red pinstripes over bright green background--with insistent force. "Prepare to
stand out
!"

He starts shambling toward them with arms upraised, and that's all it takes. Shrieking in terror, the naked cops whirl and hightail it out of there. Dad follows them on his hands and knees, crawling as fast as he can.

Judd slams the door behind them.

What a performance! I wish I'd thought of that strategy myself.

The question is, who
did
?

"Holy crap!" I give him a congratulatory tap on the palm. "You did it!"

Judd locks the door and walks over to throw himself down on the bed. "You want me to
what
?"

Ever get the feeling you're being left out? "Who're you talking to, dude?"

"Can't I just get some sleep?" He's still ignoring me. "Sure, I trust you, but..."

Enough is enough! I let him have it with the strongest jab I can muster. Nail, meet flesh! "I said,
who are you talking to, dude
?"

"Ow!" Finally, he looks my way. "Geez, Pinkerton!"

"For the fifty zillionth time,
who are you talking to
?"

(Okay, so...not a moron, right? You don't have to paint me a picture. Dude keeps looking left when he talks. What jumps out at me over there? Not the tanned arm or the black-dirt-encrusted thumb or the duct-taped finger or the glittery finger or the pruny-looking finger. None of the above. So yeah, I've got a pretty good idea what's going on before he answers the question.)