A red tainted Silence (41 page)

“Bowl of soup? Tomato, and Fritos?” he said. “And an apple.” I cleared my throat. “Get that, Mutt?”

“No problem.”

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“I’ll just have a ham sandwich.”

“And some cookies,” Nicholas said. “And a Diet Coke.” I laughed. “You are hungry.” Nicholas shrugged.

Mutt said, “I’ll see to it. Your brother called up here at the desk a few minutes ago, Brandon. Said he’d be here shortly.”

I grinned at Nicholas. “Which brother was it?”

“Claimed he was the, uh, taller, smarter, more handsome one.” Jonathan. “He’s also a bald-faced liar. He’s short, dumb, and ugly.” That earned me a slap on the butt from Nicholas. “Did you give him the secret password?” A pause. “Um, no. I wasn’t informed we had one.” Nicholas grinned. I knew he’d been looking forward to Jonathan’s arrival, even more so than that of his own brother, who was due to arrive at the end of the week. “You’d best frisk him when he gets here, then, Mutt. Just in case it’s an imposter.” A chuckle. “I’ll take care of it.”

“There’s the man,” Nicholas said, sinking back into the bed.

“Back in a sec,” I told him. I grabbed my sweats and threw them over my shoulder, snagged my crutches, and swung into the bathroom, closing the door behind me. I turned the hot water on and washed my hands and face.

I looked at myself in the mirror, turning to the side to see my scar. Lovely shades of pink, like a narrow snake twisting up my back. Not nearly as bad as Nick’s, though. And it hadn’t almost killed me. Had just hurt like hell.

I faced the mirror again and ran my hand down my chest, then cupped my rapidly softening dick. Yes, it’d been good, so good, taking Nicholas. Our first time. So different than the first time Nicholas took me.

That I’d never in my wildest dreams believed it could happen between us again, especially during those long, horrible weeks he was lost to us all, wasn’t lost on me. It’d taken a miracle, and him nearly dying, to make it happen.

But it had. He was mine again, and I was his -- but for how long? It wasn’t over, the madness. The attack on Tommy was proof of that.

I stared at my reflection and grimaced. I should’ve told him, should’ve gotten help from the beginning. Maybe then things would’ve been different for us. Probably would’ve been.

We’d still be the superstars Nicholas had dreamed of being, I imagined, maybe well into our fourth album by now, our fourth tour. Living and loving on the road. All those months of heartache and loss, the pain I’d caused, would never have happened.

But would we have been as successful as we so briefly became, I wondered, if not for my actions? If not for the way the pain I’d caused Nicholas made him push so hard to succeed?

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I didn’t know the answer to that question, and never would. But it didn’t keep me from wondering. And it didn’t keep the tears of frustration and self-hate from springing to my eyes.

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I couldn’t face Nicholas yet. Not after my crying fest. I called out to him that I was going to take a shower, then did so, welcoming the pounding heat on my chilled skin. I just couldn’t seem to get warm anymore, but the shower helped.

After I got out, I slipped on my sweats, wishing I had some clean clothes, but they were all back in my hospital room. I tossed a clean towel over my shoulder and opened the bathroom door -- to find our dinner had arrived, and a strange man was in bed with Nicholas. They were wrapped in each other’s arms, earnestly talking to each other, punctuating their words with laughter.

My heart seized -- Jonathan. I hadn’t seen him in months. Even though I’d known he was coming, seeing them together now punched me in the gut. I didn’t know how to play this. What to do.

Jonathan and I had rarely spoken since the blowup between Nicholas and me. He’d sided with Nicholas -- something I’d been unable to blame him for. I’d missed Jonathan, though I had grown a little closer to Adam during that time.

But Adam was nothing like Jonathan. No one’s like Jonathan, and I’d missed him so much over the last couple of years that I’d literally cried over the loss. A lot. He wouldn’t forgive me for abandoning Nicholas, though once I’d drunkenly begged him to. Think that was the only time I’d ever seen true disgust in Jon’s eyes directed toward me.

It didn’t stop me from drinking, though. Or hating myself.

Even when Nicholas was kidnapped and I first called Jonathan and told him what had happened, he blamed me for that, too, and would barely speak to me. And again, I blamed me, too, so I hadn’t fought any of it. I deserved no less.

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We’d talked on the phone a couple of times in the last few days, Jonathan choosing polite conversation though I’d easily sensed the edge of anger in his voice. Jonathan wasn’t the kind to get angry easily, but once he did, he found it doubly hard to let that anger ago.

I didn’t know where I stood with him, what Nicholas had told him while I was in the shower. But Nicholas knew how much the estrangement between my brother and me still hurt me, and by the glance Jonathan cast my way now, I knew Nicholas had told him so.

I swung into the room and, not knowing what else to do, resorted to thwacking Jon on the butt.

“Hey, he’s taken.”

“What? Who was that? Hear something, sweetie?” he said, staring wildly around the room as Nicholas chuckled.

I thwacked my brother again and growled. “It’s me, and I’m not exactly invisible. Get out of that bed. You know he’s naked under there, don’t you?” Jonathan screeched, leaping off the bed and away from Nicholas in mock horror.

“Naked! How dare you, you hussy! I’m not that kind of boy!” Nicholas laughed as he pulled his legs up under the covers and wrapped his arms around his knees. “Looky who’s here, Brandon.”

“Your other boyfriend?” I said in mock anger.

“Yup, that’s me. Nick’s boy toy,” Jonathan said. Then he leapt for me, grabbing me up in his arms. My crutches went flying as he twirled me around, planting a wet, sloppy kiss on my cheek. “I missed you!”

“Jonathan!” I cried out, laughing as he plunked me on the end of the bed. But my shocked relief couldn’t be faked. He looked at me and, with a grin, bent down to kiss me on the forehead.

“I really have, you know. Missed you.”

I cast my gaze down, not wanting him to see the hurt I couldn’t easily hide. “I’m sorry, Jonathan --”

“No, no, no, it’s okay. I’m sorry, too.”

“I should have explained. I wanted to, but ...” I covered my face with my hands. Damn, I’d thought I’d shed enough tears in the bathroom, but more threatened to spill. What was wrong with me?

Jonathan put his hands on my shoulders. “Brandon, stop. Please.” He squeezed me gently. “Hey, hey, Nicholas was just telling me everything. It’s okay.” He pulled my hands away from my face and chucked my chin, making me look up at him. My throat hurt from the clog of tears I refused to let go.

“I love you, little brother. Always will. I could strangle you for everything --” A Red-Tainted Silence

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Nicholas cleared his throat. Jon’s gaze slid to Nick, as did mine. Nick leaned back in the bed, his eyes shining, but with a clear look of warning unmistakably in them.

Jonathan looked back at me and squeezed my shoulders again. “I missed you,” he said simply.

I nodded, struggling to find my voice. “I missed --” I couldn’t say anything more. I looked down at the floor and started to shake. I felt sick. And scared. Why was I shaking?

“Oh, fuck, hey. Come here, Brandon,” my big brother said, pulling on me.

I stood, awkwardly pushing up from the bed. He took me in his arms and folded me into a big bear hug. I hesitated, but Nicholas cleared his throat again, and I found myself hugging Jonathan back. Clinging to him. I couldn’t believe he was there, wasn’t mad at me anymore. We stood like that for a long time, holding on to each other, me biting my lip so I wouldn’t cry.

But I couldn’t stop shaking. I buried my face in his neck, gripping him hard as all the grief and longing I’d felt over the alienation I’d created roiled through me.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” I choked out, over and over again.

“Shh, Brandon, it’s okay. It’s okay.” Jonathan smoothed my hair back, soothing me with his hands. “We’re all right now, okay?” He held me for a long moment, rocking me like I was a little boy again.

Slowly my shaking stopped, and I sighed against him.

“You’re not getting snot on my shirt, are you?”

I sniffed, then brushed the tears from my eyes, a choked laugh escaping me as Nicholas pushed a bunch of Kleenex into my hand. I pulled away from Jonathan and blew my nose, but then he grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me, his eyes darkening with what I could only think of as loving frustration.

“Don’t ever do that again, though, you hear me? Tell me everything; that’s what I’m here for. You understand? I could’ve helped you, Brandon --” He broke off, his eyes glistening. He wiped his own tears angrily away. “Do you have any idea how it makes me feel, knowing the hell you were going through, right under my nose? I love you guys. If anything had -- If Nicholas had died --”

He yanked me to him and kissed me on the forehead, cradling my face and pressing his forehead against mine, just like Nicholas so often did. “Promise me, if anything else comes up, if there’s anything you need to talk about, get off your chest, whatever the fuck it is, you’ll come to me. Hear me?”

“I -- I promise,” I said, overwhelmed by my brother’s vehemence. He patted me on the cheek, then released me, nodding in satisfaction.

“Good. Good.” Then he whirled on Nicholas, whose face was splotchy -- shit, I’d made him cry, too. He dabbed a Kleenex to his eyes and grinned sheepishly at Jonathan. But Jonathan shook his finger sternly at him, obviously not through with his lecture. “You, too, 242

Carolyn Gray

Mr. Kilmain. Neither one of you is allowed to ever put me through this again. You hear me?

I’m getting too old for this. Promise me, Nicholas.” Nick’s gaze settled on mine. He tilted his head to the side, smiling gently, lovingly at me. “I promise, Jonathan. I love him too much to let anything like this happen again.” I stared at him, overwhelmed by what I saw in his eyes. My body ached to touch him, so I did, all but falling into the bed to wrap my arms around him. He held me tight, and I felt the tears threaten again, but this time I pushed them back. I covered his lips with my own, kissing him almost frantically before pulling back.

“I love you, too, Nicholas.”

“I know you do.” He grinned, his blue eyes dancing. “But I like hearing it. Tell me again.”

“I love you.”

“And I love you. Even more.”

I laughed, wiping my eyes. “No, no, no, I love you more.”

“I love you more infinity. Ha!”

Jonathan groaned. “You guys are too much. Okay, good, good you both love each other.

Enough of the gushy stuff, then. What’s next? You guys getting out of here tomorrow?” I nodded and took a deep breath as I finally managed to push my emotions back under control. “Tomorrow afternoon. ’Fraid it’s going to be a spectacle, with reporters and everything.”

“Why? I’d think you’d want to keep everything all hush-hush.” Nicholas shook his head. “Nope. The detective on our case wants everything we do while we’re here to be wide-open. He figures the more it’s obvious we’re under constant watch, in the public eye, the safer we’ll be.”

“He’s taking other measures to make sure we’re safe, too, but a lot of good it did Tommy,” I said. “So we also hired some help.”

Jonathan grimaced. “That’s why beef-o boy out there.”

“That’s Mutt. His partner is Jeff, and Jeff has a couple others working for him, too,” Nicholas said.

“He does?” I asked in surprise.

Nicholas nodded. “Watching Tommy and Sam.”

“Oh, okay. Good. How’d you persuade Mutt to let you in anyway, Jon? You didn’t have the password.”

Jonathan took the place next to Nicholas, wrapping his arm around Nick’s bare shoulders, pulling him close and kissing him on the head before grinning mischievously at me. “It wasn’t easy. I tried explaining to Mutt that I was Nick’s best bud and was here for a play date.”

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Using my crutch, I swept up my t-shirt, then pulled it on. All the heat from my shower was gone and I was freezing again. “And that worked?” I said a little warily.

He sighed in exasperation. “Nope. Your Mutt is good. He just gave me that stare thing he’s obviously got perfected. Nicholas heard me crying out in the hallway, though. Said I could come in if I’d keep him company while he ate and you were taking a shower.” Jonathan rubbed Nick’s bare arm briskly. “You’re getting cold, sweetheart. What are you doing in here naked anyway? You should be dressed in warm flannel nighties.” He looked at me, his eyes widening in mock horror, then slapped his head. “Oh, I get it. That’s what you were up to, when Mutt said you two were busy. That you couldn’t come to the phone ’cause you were too busy coming ...”

“Jonathan --” I warned.

But okay, I admit it. I loved hearing him tease us again.

And he knew it. He nodded his head, grinning. “Was it good? Was it fun? Was that the first time, since, you know ...” He sniffed the air, then bent over and snuffled against Nick’s neck, making him giggle. Dammit, I was the only one allowed to make him do that. “Uh-huh, yeah, smells like it. And what’s this? Nicholas! Something bit you -- Oh, it’s a hickey!” He grinned at me. “You little vampire, you. Always did have a thing for giving Nicholas hickeys, didn’t you?” He grinned. “Then again, I like giving them, too. Must run in the family or something. Of course, I’d rather be the one getting one ...” Nicholas shook his head as he pushed my brother away. “I really wonder about you sometimes, Jonathan.”

“Don’t worry. So does my wife. And here I’m considered the normal one in the family.” I hopped off the bed and swept up Nick’s satin pajamas, handing him the top. “Put this back on, at least.” Nicholas took it and shook it out, grimacing.

“Can I have something else? Someone didn’t fold it properly, and it’s all wrinkled.” I snatched the shirt from Nicholas. “What wrinkles?” It looked fine to me.