A red tainted Silence (42 page)

“I’ll get you something,” Jonathan said, standing. “Brandon wears clothes until they can walk by themselves.”

I threw the shirt at Jonathan. “Liar.”

“Top drawer,” Nicholas said to Jonathan. “There’s some black sweats in there. I’ll wear those.”

“Do you wear anything but black these days?” Jonathan asked.

“There’s some baby-blue sweats in there that match my eyes,” Nicholas said, batting his eyelashes at my brother.

I groaned. “Get the black ones. And some socks. He needs to go for his walk.”

“Bossy. I want to finish my dinner first. Push it back over here.” 244

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I obliged him with a smirk, “Yes, dear.” He grinned as he opened his package of cookies and took a sip of his Diet Coke. The soup and Fritos were already gone.

He pointed at the tray. “And you, eat your sandwich.” I picked it up and frowned, putting it back. It looked rather limp. “I’m not hungry.” Jonathan poked at my sandwich. “If you don’t want it, I’ll eat it.”

“No, Brandon needs to.” Nicholas looked at me sternly. “At least part of it. Brandon’s already lost too much weight, being here. He won’t eat anything unless it comes from the deli downstairs.”

“Mr. Finicky. Why are you guys eating so late, anyway?” He smacked his head. “Oh, yeah, right, you guys were, um, too busy eating each other --” Nicholas hurled a pillow at Jonathan, hitting him square in the face. “Behave, Jonathan.

Or we’ll stick you outside in the snow.”

“Fine, fine, be that way. Drop everything I’m doing for you, and this is the treatment I get.” He turned his back on us and dug in the drawers.

“Get some boxers for him, too,” I said.

“And one of those white t-shirts. There’s a brand new pack in there.”

“Yes, yes, I can handle it. It’s not like I haven’t dressed you before, Nicholas.” I gave Nicholas a stern look. He shrugged. Then I remembered -- if not for Jonathan, Nicholas would’ve gone naked when we first moved in together.

While my brother was occupied, I stole back my place next to Nicholas. He curled against me, then reached up and turned my face to him. He grinned, nodding toward Jonathan.

“Hasn’t changed much, has he?”

I shrugged. “I guess not.”

He frowned. “You okay?”

“Yeah. I’m fine.” At his skeptical look, I grinned, but I knew he saw right through it.

“I’m just ready to get out of here. Get back to normal.”

“Get back home, you mean.”

I hesitated. We hadn’t talked about it, but I couldn’t deny it -- I missed home. But it felt differently now, thinking of home. What it was. I really wasn’t sure I knew anymore. I kissed him on the forehead.

“I miss it, but I just want to be out of here, with you. Somewhere safe. Anywhere. I’m sick of worrying about every little thing.”

“Me, too. At least we’ll be out of here tomorrow.”

“Tommy won’t, though.”

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Nicholas sighed, taking my hand in his. “No. He won’t. We just have to believe he’ll get out soon, too.”

Jonathan finally found what he was looking for and handed Nicholas the sweats. I helped Nicholas with the top, then, with Jonathan’s back turned (of course, he gleefully kept threatening to peek -- I was really starting to wonder about him, too), helped Nicholas stand by the bed so he could don the boxers and sweatpants. He couldn’t bend very far without pain, and he wouldn’t stop laughing as I tried to pull up his pants.

“You know, Brandon, you’re far better at taking clothes off me than putting them on,” he said while I tried to tie the strings on his pants.

“Stop wiggling. There.”

He giggled as I tucked the strings inside his waistband and pulled his top down. He thrust his hips at me. I reached around and smacked him on the butt, but grinned and kissed him lightly on the lips. It was damn good to see him being playful again.

“Behave, or I’m going to have to stick you back in a hospital gown.” His eyes glinted as he placed his hands on my hips and pulled me close. “There’s a thought. Easy access and all that.”

I rolled my eyes and pulled back before he could get me heated up again. “Okay, you can turn around, Jon,” I said to my brother and tossed the socks at him while Nicholas climbed back on the bed. I sat next to him. “You can help him with those.”

“My pleasure.”

Nicholas sighed with contentment as he settled against me, then held still while Jonathan put his socks on.

“Where’s Amanda?” I asked.

Jonathan’s gaze shifted from me to Nicholas. “Seeing Tommy.”

“Did you talk to him?” Nicholas asked, and Jonathan nodded. “I haven’t been up there yet.”

“For a little while. He can’t stay awake for long. She’s going to stay with him for a bit.

He really looks terrible. Gonna scar, bad, Sylvie said.” Guilt swept over me. Nick’s fingers entwined with mine. “Cut it out, Brandon.”

“Cut out what?” Jonathan said. I looked at him, and he grimaced. He knew me pretty well, my brother. “Nick’s right. It wasn’t your fault.”

“I try to tell myself that, but it isn’t easy.”

“It’s whoever’s doing this --”

Someone knocked on the door and opened it. Nurse Goodall stuck her head in.

“Everyone decent? Now?”

My face heated; Nicholas burst out laughing. “We’re quite decent. Come on in.

Jonathan, this is the most wonderful, best nurse in the whole wide world, and I’m gonna take 246

Carolyn Gray

her with me when we go, whether she likes it or not. Nurse Goodall, this is Jonathan, Brandon’s oldest brother.”

She entered the room. “Good to meet you, Mr. Ashwood.”

“Jonathan’s fine.”

“Mr. Kilmain,” she said, putting on her nurse face. “My chart tells me you’ve not walked enough today.”

“I know, I know. I was kind of ...” He glanced at me. “... busy.”

“It’s late, but if you’re going to get out of here tomorrow, I have to put on your chart that you walked as instructed. Now, get going. I expect to see you pass the nurse’s station in five minutes, or else ...” She paused meaningfully.

His eyes widened. “Not the dick monster.”

“Dick monster?” Jonathan said, looking perplexed. Nurse Goodall laughed.

“Don’t ask,” I said.

“All right. Two laps around the floor. I’ll be back to check your blood pressure.” Then she slipped out of the room, nodding to Mutt as she did so.

I wondered if he was bored, now that the entertainment was over.

Nicholas slowly got out of the bed, Jonathan hovering next to him as he put on his slippers. My brother glanced at me. It wasn’t really evident how weak Nicholas still was until he got up from the bed. Jonathan couldn’t hide his shock as Nicholas had to grip the bedrail a minute to catch his breath.

“You okay?” Jonathan asked.

“Whew. Yeah, I’m okay. Just got dizzy a moment there.” Nicholas motioned toward the door. “Hey, want to come with me? I could use someone to lean on.” He glanced at me.

I waved at them. “Go on, you two. Crip boy here’s just a hindrance.”

“Are you sure?” Jonathan asked.

I nodded toward my laptop. “Yeah, think I’ll write a little while. You guys go catch up.

You don’t need me.”

“You -- You don’t want to come and be with me?” Nicholas looked away, but not before I saw the worry in his eyes, the doubt.

I pushed up from the bed and reached for him, pulling him to me. Jonathan let go of Nicholas, but he wouldn’t look at me. I admit I was a little perplexed. What had upset him now? Balancing on my good foot, I wrapped my arm around him and lifted his chin until he looked at me. “Of course I want to be with you, Nick. What’s wrong?” He shrugged. “I don’t want you to be mad about my being with --” He stopped, shaking his head. “I’m being silly. Of course you don’t mind if I’m with Jonathan.” A Red-Tainted Silence

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I grinned. “Yes, you’re being silly. I really am fine. I’m tired and don’t really feel like hobbling all over the place right now. I’m going to write a little while, and then you’ll be back -- and then we’ll send Jonathan away and go to sleep.” He grinned slyly at me. “Sleep?”

I nodded sternly. “Sleep.”

He sighed. “All right, I --”

My kiss stopped his words. I saw Jonathan grinning at us, then closed my eyes as Nicholas sank into me, deepening our kiss. We hadn’t stood together like this and kissed yet, and it felt damn good, his warm, sweats-clad and cuddly (but still oh-so-painfully thin) body pressed against mine. I didn’t even care that Jonathan was right there. It felt so good, so right. He could turn his back if he didn’t like it.

I slid one hand under the warmth of Nick’s sweat top, caressing his back, up his spine, wincing privately to myself at his thinness. I could feel his ribs beneath my fingertips, his hipbones jutting into mine. But he was oblivious to my momentary worries over him, clearly enjoying himself.

He moaned into my mouth, and my body responded as it always did when he did that.

Enthusiastically. He squirmed against me. A thrill ran through me as I felt him begin to harden against me. I couldn’t contain my excitement.

Better, better, he really was getting better.

“Uh, guys, want me to step outside a bit?”

I pulled reluctantly away from Nicholas and took a deep breath. “No, no, sorry. Nurse Goodall’s going to come after us if Nicholas doesn’t get out there.” Nicholas chuckled as he pulled away. He grabbed his crotch and winked at me. “This can wait.”

“Nicholas!” I said.

“Come on, Jonny boy. Escort me.” Nicholas reached for Jonathan’s arm -- my brother actually looked a little embarrassed, for once -- and waved as they headed for the door. “I’ll be back. To sleep,” he said with a mischievous grin.

Yeah, right.

Once they were gone, I lay back on the bed and stared at the ceiling, enjoying the thrum of my arousal. I’d just about decided to slip my hand into my sweats, when the door opened again. I sat up guiltily, then breathed a sigh of relief when Nurse Goodall came in.

She was carrying a tray with a steaming bowl of soup on it, a small loaf of bread with butter and a glass of tea.

It smelled like heaven.

“What’s this for?” I asked as she set the tray down and moved it over the bed.

“Mr. Kilmain told me you don’t eat enough. He’s worried about you, you know.” 248

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“He shouldn’t be. I’m fine.” I looked down at the soup. It looked homemade. “This isn’t hospital soup.”

“No, I made it. There’s more, if you want any.”

I smiled at her, touched. “You made this for me?”

“Indeed I did, young man.” She walked over to my laptop and brought it to me, setting it on the bed. “You’ll need your strength. Need I remind you that you were hurt, too, that you’ve been through a great deal over this?” She looked at me sternly. “Perhaps more than you’ve told him?” She tapped the computer.

I reached for the spoon and artfully avoided answering her by eating a spoonful of the soup. It really was good. “This is delicious.”

“Mr. Ashwood. Brandon,” she said, laying a hand on my arm.

I looked up at her, panicking a little at the worry in her eyes. “Yes?” I said warily.

“Son, I’ve come to care a great deal about the two of you these past two weeks.”

“We like you, too, Nurse Goodall.”

She laughed. “I don’t think I’ve ever had patients so polite as you boys. My name is Noreen.” Her expression sobered. “But I worry about you. I know there’s much you haven’t told him yet, told your doctor. Don’t keep it inside, Brandon.” I started to protest -- I wasn’t hiding anything -- but she held up her hand.

“Just listen. I know some of what happened to you, and though I’m no head doctor, I know it’s just a matter of time before it all hits you.” She squeezed my arm. “Just remember.

That boy loves you more than life itself. I’ve never seen any couple like you two, gay or straight. But he’s worried sick about you. He truly loves you. Would do anything to help you.”

Heat raced through me; my breath caught. I licked my lips nervously and looked away.

“I know he would.”

“Then talk to him. Tell him what’s eating you inside.” I glanced at my laptop. “I -- I’m trying.” I gestured helplessly, felt those damnable tears back in my eyes. “I’m not even sure I know what it is, Noreen.” She nodded. “Knowing something exists in you that isn’t right, even if you can’t examine it yet -- that’s part of the battle.”

I fought to speak again, swallowing against the fear rising in my throat. “It ... it scares me sometimes --” I cut off, shaking my head. She reached out and stroked my hair back from my face, nodding in understanding. She made me think of my mom. I missed her so much, wished I hadn’t insisted she not make the long trip to see me just yet.

“You’ve been through a great deal. Give yourself a chance to heal. It will take time.” When I nodded, she said, “Eat your soup now. He’ll be back before you know it, and you’ll be out of here tomorrow.”

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“I’ll miss you, Noreen.”

“I’ll miss you boys, too. I don’t want you to leave Durango without saying goodbye, you hear?”

“I promise.”

“And promise you’ll talk to him. As soon as you can.”

“I promise,” I said softly, toying with the soup. My appetite had deserted me again, but I dipped the spoon in anyway.

“Good. I’ll check on you later. That’s my bowl, so don’t let anyone run off with it. And I expect you to empty it. You hear?”

“Okay.”

She left, and I finished the soup, concentrating on simply eating, not thinking. I did feel better after I was done, much to my surprise. The bread was also delicious, hot and fresh.

I wondered where she’d gotten it. Probably made it.

Finally I pushed the tray aside. Nicholas and Jonathan weren’t back yet. I hoped they’d stopped to see Tommy, as Nicholas hadn’t had the chance yet to talk to him.

I hadn’t, either, but for different reasons, choosing times I knew he’d be asleep. I was afraid to see his eyes -- afraid of what I’d see. How he couldn’t hate me for this, I didn’t know. No matter what Nicholas and Jonathan thought, it was my fault he, too, was in the hospital. If he hadn’t gone for that guitar ...