A Summit City Christmas (4 page)

Jackie looked over at the tree, sneering. “I expected you to work your magic and talk him into getting rid of all that old crap.”

“Hey!” Wade yelled at her from the kitchen. “The ornaments you made are on there too.”

“It’s just sad…and dirty looking.” Jackie snapped her fingers at Mason. “Back away from the scary tree, sweetie. Lord only knows how many mold spores are lurking over there.”

“I tried,” I said, shrugging weakly.

“Men are so weak.” Jackie stared at the tree. “It’s hideous, Wade—too tragic for words. It’s not the least bit romantic you know? Just creepy…in a Norman Bates kinda way.”

I bit my lip to keep from laughing and avoided turning around so Wade couldn’t see my face.

Jackie’s entire body jiggled, as if attempting to shake off a case of the heebie’s. “I’ve avoided coming over here for weeks because of it.”

“Maybe I should leave them up year round then,” Wade said, sneering at his sister.

I spun around on one heel and shot him a glance that said it’s me or the tree if that’s the case.

Wade sighed pathetically, like I’d just broken his poor heart in two. “So much for true love.”

I folded my arms. “Everything has its limits, lover.”

“We like your tree, Uncle Wade!” Mason said.

“Yeah we like it,” one of the other clones piped in, echoing his brother.

“Thank you boys,” Wade said, adding a take-that nod in our direction.

“Very good spawnlings,” Jackie praised. “You’ve just earned whatever over-priced presents your Uncle got for you.”

The foursome nodded as if they’d been coached.

“Go get your coats on, Mommy needs to get home so she can finish cooking.” Jackie sighed. “Don’t you just fucking love the holidays.”

“Bad word, bad word. We’re telling daddy!” the kids started yelling as they ran out of the room to get their coats.

Jackie closed her eyes and took in a deep breath, like she might be counting to ten.

“What was all that about?” I asked.

Jackie sighed her irritation. “One of them said
shit
during their Sunday school class last week.”

“I told you church was no place for children,” I reminded her, which elicited a smack in the arm for my trouble.

“And since anything one does…”

“They all have to do.” I nodded that I understood all too well, being Uncle Wade’s Butt Boy and all.

“Needless to say, my piece of shit husband threw me right under the bus, telling the Sunday school teacher they’d picked it up from me.”

“’Cause she’d have never come to that conclusion on her own,” Wade called out from the kitchen.

“Not the point, asshole!” Jackie yelled back, causing my mother to laugh and consequently squeeze too much icing onto the cookie.

The twins slowly backed away from Dixie as if they feared she might explode, having just ruined a cookie.

“It’s all for one and one for all when you’re married,” Jackie said.

“Keep that in mind mister,” I added, knowing there would be countless times he’d be tempted to do the same thing to me.

All the men were now eyeing Dixie as she continued to fuss with the cookie, cursing under her breath while attempting to scrape off her mistake with a butter knife.

“Now Shep has instituted some dumb ass no cussing rule,” Jackie scoffed, “like I’m going to do anything he wants at this point, including suck his bus-tossing little prick.”

I burst out laughing, wishing I wasn’t so slutty and could use that one as well.

“In other words the boys have had ample excuses to run and tattle,” Wade said, his eyes bugging out slightly when Dixie finally had all she could take and took to stabbing the poor defenseless reindeer cookie, hacking it into several pieces.

Rocky slowly reached over and removed the utensil from her hand. “That’ll do, Dix…that’ll do.”

My mother exhaled, and then smiled like a movie star, evoking a creepy Mommie Dearest moment. “I’m fine, really.”

I shook my head at her, trying not to laugh as she wiped a smudge of icing off her cheek. Halloween and Christmas were the two times a year when my parent’s outrageous taste and behavior had never been an issue. The entire country went to Dixie, as I liked to call it, so my parents became almost normal in comparison.

“You can eat that one if you want, Monkey,” Dixie said, laughing awkwardly.

“Get her a drink, dad,” I said. “She’s freaking everyone out.”

Dixie shot me an evil look, but didn’t bother asking my father to stop pouring her a glass of wine.

The kids came barreling back into the room each one bundled up and ready to face the cold. They took Jackie by the arm and began yanking her toward the door.

“Let’s go, Mommy,” Mason said.

“Yeah, let’s go,” Jax agreed.

Jackie rolled her eyes. “See you in a couple of hours at the restaurant?”

We all nodded and Wade followed her outside so he could help get the rug-rats strapped into her Escalade.

“All this domesticity’s making my skin itch,” Lonny said, swiping the wine glass from my mother and taking a sip.

“What the hell does your family do for the holidays?” Rocky asked, pouring another glass for Dixie when he realized Lonny wouldn’t be returning the first one.

“When we were little we all went on vacation together,” Donny said.

“Usually some place tropical,” Lonny added.

“But now they put the two of us on a plane and send us anywhere they aren’t.” Donny’s forehead got all scrunched up like he might be thinking too hard. “I’m not sure what that’s all about.”

“It might have something to do with that trip to Japan they took us all on for your twenty first birthday,” I reminded him. “The gangbang your parents found you both conducting with the bell boy?”

“Mmm,” Lonny moaned softly, smiling to himself. “That bell boy totally earned his tip.”

“He really did,” Donny agreed.

I shook off the creepies that came over me whenever the twins began reminiscing over their past sexual conquests, which eerily reminded me of the Siamese cats in
Lady and the Tramp
.

“We are full of sleaze, if you please,” I sang under my breath while bobbing my head side to side. “Ba dum, dum, dum.”

I rounded the sofa and flopped down with a huff, staring at the gargantuan tree, trying to make myself love it as much as Wade did. “I’m bored.”

I jumped, startled when something hit me in the face, sticking to my cheek. I laughed, reaching up to remove the chunk of iced cookie and popped it in my mouth. “Yummy.”

CHAPTER THREE

We drove down the main drag through the tiny mountain town which looked like something Norman Rockwell dreamed up. I stared out the window at the pristine Victorian brick, stone, and clapboard sided structures filled with boutiques, pubs, coffee houses and restaurants. The business center of town was surrounded on all sides by residential neighborhoods; streets perfectly lined with rows and rows of little snow covered Victorian houses.

Wade parallel parked his yellow Toyota FJ Cruiser across the street from Uncle Pete’s restaurant. Mom and Dad were snuggled in the back seat. It never ceased to amaze me how in sync they managed to always be. After all their years together, they still enjoyed each other’s company. They were constantly touching each other, sometimes in ways I still never wanted to see, but mostly in a sweet, loving way. It was something to envy. I hoped Wade and I could manage even half of what Dixie and Rocky had.

We all piled out of the Cruiser and waited for Donny and Lonny, who’d followed us from the house. We gathered up the ludicrous amount of cookies, each of us carrying a couple of trays worth. Dixie had a mini-stroke when I slipped, nearly dropping one. I steadied myself on the patch of ice, thinking we could do with one or two fewer trays and still have way too many.

I’d barely gotten through the heavy wooden door of the restaurant, greeted by a warm rush of air which had my tummy growling after catching a whiff of the deliciousness that hung in the air. The always dapperly dressed Mayor Gordy relieved me of my cookies and was already nibbling on them as he carried them back toward the buffet.

I remembered Dr. Jacob’s had put the man on a strict diet a few months back and the good Mayor had been impatiently waiting for the holidays so he’d have an excuse to fall off the wagon. He was a charismatic man who managed to get his way more often than not—except when it came to his health, at which point his polished and exceedingly classy wife put her proverbial pump down.

I’d just got my coat hung up and was happily accepting a welcome hug from Del before having her arm’s ripped from around my neck as Gabe took hold, dragging me off in the direction of Wade’s Olympic ego-wall. It was a huge display that included framed photos and newspaper articles, and a few magazine covers, including Sports Illustrated and the Advocate. The pièce de résistance was located in the center of it all, framed and mounted with their very own spot light gleaming down upon it—three Olympic Medals—one gold, one silver, and one bronze.

I smiled, still a little embarrassed all these months later as I recalled the first time I’d laid eyes on the Wade wall of fame—quite the humiliating experience that had been. Gabe continued on his mission to kidnap me, dragging me down the hall by my now nearly numb arm toward the bathrooms.

“Jeez-o-Pete, Grabby McGee, cut off the blood supply, why don’t you?” I sniped, trying to pry Gabe’s steal-like death grip off my biceps.

“Quit your whining, you big baby.” Gabe shoved me through the door into the men’s room. “I need to speak with you in private.”

“You were always freakishly strong for your size, Mini-me.” I scowled at him as he shut and locked the door behind us.

Gabe ran his hands through his curly mop of black hair and took in a deep breath. “Will you shut your pie hole already, I’m totally freaking out here Sally Selfish. Could you make an attempt to forget about yourself for five minutes and concentrate on me?”

“Five minutes is an awfully long time.” I tried not to laugh when Gabe’s head looked like it might pop right off his neck. “I’m kidding you nitwit. Settle yourself down and tell me what’s wrong.”

He stood there, mouth agape, all of a sudden looking verbally constipated. His big brown eyes now pleading with me not to make him say whatever it was he’d dragged me in here to tell me to begin with.

“For crying out loud you neurotic little shit.” I was already checking my urge to slap the hell out of him.

“I…” he froze again, chewing on his lip.

“I’m leaving if you don’t—”

“Wait, okay,” Gabe cut me off. “It’s just…sorta embarrassing…um…”

I glanced upward as if ready to pray to heavens above. “Please don’t let his next words be, could you take a look at this weird sore on my dick?”

“Ew!” Gabe hauled off and back handed me in the gut. “That is
nasty
, you sick-o.”

I was half laughing and half crying as I rubbed my stomach.

“Blech!” Gabe wriggled around doing a heebed out dance. “Never utter those words to me
ever
again.”

“You’ve known me long enough to know when you hesitate, my mind wanders to all sorts of scary places.”

Gabe was visually scolding me with the disapproval he wore all over his face. “I swear, I sometimes wonder if you weren’t put into my life as some sort of punishment for atrocities committed in a previous life.”

“You’re Catholic, you don’t believe in reincarnation,” I reminded him.

“Knowing you has given me reason to pause and reflect,” Gabe said sarcastically.

He leaned back, propping himself up against the counter of sinks.

I cocked my head to the side, letting him know with one look he was tempting fate by allowing me more time to do some reflecting of my own.

“I need to…okay,” he cleared his throat, “just don’t make fun of me.”

“You know I can’t make that kind of a promise,” I said.

He looked further disgusted with me. “I need you to help me figure out what we are.”

I cleared my throat and said very slowly, “You and I are fur-ie-nds.”

His arms fell lifelessly to his sides and he gave me a die, bitch, die, withering stare.

I smiled, feeling as if I’d finally accomplished something with my day. “Oh, you meant you and the Chip-ster?”

He continued his attempts to murder me with his gaze.

I resisted my urge to reach over and pinch his cheeks. “You could ask him?”

“Could you please be serious?” Gabe reacted as if my suggestion of asking the man were the most idiotic idea he’d ever had the displeasure of hearing. “Would you call us boyfriends?”

I opened my mouth to answer.

“Nah, most likely not, considering the whole long distance thing, right?” he asked.

I attempted to answer that question.

“Good Christ, I’m a fuck buddy aren’t I?” Gabe asked, his eyes now wide as saucers.

Thinking the third time might be a charm after all, I opened my mouth to answer.