A Symphony of Cicadas (6 page)

She smiled and took my hand.

“But that’s a pretty heavy concept that even we can’t ful
ly
grasp until we are reunited with our source of energy. So for now, we can just hop from one moment to the next.”

“So, can we control where we land?” I asked her. “I mean, would it be possible to say ‘take me to 1953,’ and then just end up there?”

“We’re not time machines,” she chuckled. “But yes and no. If you can feel it, you can be there.”

“What if I envision a person?  Can I be close to them?” I asked
, not even trying to hide the hopefulness in the question.
I was still troubled over where Joey might be, even more so after seeing the vision the cicadas had given me of his broken body and the hovering light that disappeared
with as much mystery
as it appeared. But a
different
urgency was building inside me as I grew more comfortable in my new existence.
I could feel my heart torn at
the thought that I’d never see John again, feel his embrace, or even just see myself through his eyes when he looked my way.

I could see Rose’s eyes cloud over, a concerned look
appearing
on her face.

“Darling, I wouldn’t get too attached to those who are still alive,” she cautioned, as if she could read my mind. “It would be best if you just let them be and moved on. I know there are people you love and miss terrib
ly
. But staying for them will on
ly
keep you from the greatest happiness you could ever experience, and leave you stuck in an internal
prison of unnatural pain, never letting up until you
learn to
let go
.”

She held my hands and squeezed them
so tight it caught me off guard
.
Her
hold
loosened
on
ly
when I tried to pull away.
She looked away for a second,
and then
gave me an embarrassed smile
.
“Rachel, please just trust me on this.”

“Why are you telling me this, Aunt Rose?” I asked her, irritated about this limitation she was placing on me
.
“I mean, you’re here, aren’t you?  And you’re fine, right?”

“Rachel, I would give anything
to be free from
this divide.”

“But who are you waiting for?” I implored her
.
“What’
s causing you to be stuck here?”

“Don’t you know
,
darling? I’ve stayed for you and Sara.”

I was flooded with
sudden
emotion, the reality of how much
Aunt Rose
had loved us becoming apparent with her sacrifice of happiness for us
.
I thought of the past
twenty-five
years, when her memory had come to me out of nowhere, providing me with
a
sense of comfort in times when I felt
the
most alone
.
I wondered if it was in those times she had been near me, watching me from another reality while trapping herself in a world she couldn’t escape. She’d had no children in her lifetime, showering
Sara and me
with
a
love she would probab
ly
have reserved for
her own children
had she become a mother
.
And just as she had in her life,
Aunt Rose
had spent the last two and a half decades loving my sister and me while watching over us
.
I re
alized that
even though she had died, she
’d
never left at all
.
The comfort that she gave me on
ly
intensified my desire to
be close to John, to make sure he
was okay before
I left him alone forever.

But the realization that Rose had given up her freedom in her watch over my sister and me hadn’t escaped me
.
I turned to her and took her hand in mine.

“I’m here now,” I told her
.
“You don’t have to wait anymore
.
And Sara is fine too. She’s married and has children, and she’s living a wonderful life
.
You’re free to move on.”

“You don’t understand,” she responded
, her voice faltering
.
“It’s not that easy.”

“But I don’t get it, Aunt Rose
.
You even said time doesn’t exist here
.
So couldn’t you get to the time when both of us are past our human lives and then move on to wherever it is we’re supposed to move on to?”

“Don’t you think I’ve tried that?” she emphasized
.
“I’ve tried everything I could to..
.”
S
he winced, stopping herself mid-sentence as she wiped her hand across her forehead
.
“Let’s just say that I have to move past this on my own to be able to free myself
.
Wishing for anything else on
ly
results in tragedy.”

“Tragedy?  Just for wishing we could be with you?” I asked her
.

And that’s when it hit me
.
Aunt Rose had said the way t
o be close to someone or a certain time, we were to feel it in every fiber of our being
.
While Rose had wanted to move on and be free, she was unable to because she loved me too much
.
I looked at her in alarm, my eyes burning as they searched over her panicked face.

“I’m so sorry
,
Rachel
.
I didn’t mean for this to happen,” she pleaded
.
“I didn’t know!”

“You killed me?” I whispered
.
“You killed me, and you killed my son?”

“I didn’t know this would happen!” she
pleaded
.
“You were so happy, planning your wedding and about to start a new life
.
I couldn’t have wished for a better happiness for you.”

“Then why, Aunt Rose?  Wh
y couldn’t you just let me be?  Why couldn’t you l
et me marry John and be happy?”

“I was jealous!” she
burst out
, her voice rising
in her
desperation
.

Clouds began to cover the sky once more, sending a light drizzle that moistened my hair and clothing
.
But I didn’t even feel the rain on my heated skin, seething from anger and confusion that Rose had taken away everything I
had
ever loved because of her own selfish needs
.

“I couldn’t be there,” she
pressed on
.
“You were planning this love
ly
ceremony, marrying a man who was absolute
ly
wonderful to you and to your son
.
And all I wanted was to be able to be there with you, to hug you and congratulate you on your marriage
.
I wanted to help you plan
all the details and
give you advice
.
”
Rose’s expression was bleak
.
“You are like a daughter to me, and it pained me
that
I couldn’t be there with you.”

“You are not my mother!” I shot at her,
finding a sense of satisfaction in the
anguish
on her face
.
“You had no right, no right at all
.
I was happy!”

“Darling, I didn’t know,” she
whispered
.
“It was a moment of weakness I wish I could take back.”

I s
a
nk to my knees, realizing that my entire life had ended on the wish of one spirit
.
I felt
more powerless than
ever
.

“How did you do it?” I whispered
.

Rose
sat down next to me
.
She reached for my hand, but I pulled it away from her grasp
.
Sighing, she placed her hands in her lap.

“You had just finished getting
Joey
fitted
in
his suit
for
your wedding
.
I was there with you, laughing
along with you over Joey’s awkward moment
.”
In spite of myself, I couldn’t help but smile at the memory of Joey describing his horrendous measurement experience
.
“You both were so casual with each other, so open and honest
.
And I felt this
pang
of jealousy
.
I had
never
experienced
that
kind of
joy
, never
having
had children
of my own
.
I mean, I had you and Sara
.
And you both became my whole world
.
But at the end of every visit, you
went
home with your parents, and I was left alone in my own house
.
When I died, I stayed by you and Sara, loving you as if you were my own children
.
But something happens to you in this existence
.
Feelings are more intense, more powerful than anything you have ever experienced in your human life
.
I became your protector, almost like your guardian angel
.
I was limited in my physical involvement in your life, but wherever I could place my guidance over you, I did.”

She took a deep breath before continuing
.
I kept quiet,
holding down my simmering anger,
afraid that if I spoke I wouldn’t find out the whole truth
.

“But the reality
is
, Rachel,
a barrier still existed
between you and me. You were living, I was dead
.
You weren’t my child
.
I am not God
.
No matter how I tried to get
close
to you, you were always just out of my reach.”

I was reminded of my first glimpse of John right after I died, how I tried to take hold of his hand on
ly
to have him draw away, how much it hurt to look
at him
and have him not see me
.
Tears sprang to my eyes as I remembered pounding on the bed and the wall
in
desperation to
get his attention on
ly
to be shut out.

“When you and your son were driving home, that feeling of longing intensified itself into something much deeper than I had ever experienced
.
When it’s happened before, I’ve managed to walk away until it settled into something more tolerable. But this time, I just wanted to see what would happen if I allowed myself to experience it
.
It grew into something so big, I could no longer control it
.
The truck driver changed course, heading straight for you, and I tried to stop it from happening
.
But by then it was too late
.
The plan was set in motion and I had no power over it.”

“But Joey,” I whimpered
.
“He didn’t have to die!” The tears streamed down my cheeks.

“I didn’t know this would happen!” Rose pleaded with me
.
“I never wanted you to die
.
I certain
ly
didn’t want Joey’s life to end so soon
.
If I could take it back
—
”

“But you can’t!” I exclaimed, jumping to my feet
.
“As a result, my son will never experience human life beyond the age of
thirteen
.
He’ll never know what a first kiss feels like, or
deep and true love, or
what it’s like to be a father
.
John is
left to pick up all the pieces, to plan a funeral for both me and my so
n when we should be planning our
wedding!  You’ve stolen so much from so many people
.  How could you?
!”