A Symphony of Cicadas (2 page)

Joey still stood an inch or two shorter than
my five foot four
,
al
though his shoe size had passed me up years earlier
.
He looked somewhat like me with his
light
brown hair and wide amber eyes
.
But the similarities stopped there
.
Beyond that, he looked just like his father, a man I hadn’t seen in many years, and
didn’t plan to ever
see again.

Tony had stepped out on me when I was still pregnant, visiting just a few times after Joey was born before disappearing altogether.
It seems he decided that fatherhood
just wasn’t for him
,
something he stated in a letter he sent me weeks after his last visit
, explaining that he couldn’t handle the responsibility of parenting
.
At the time, I was grateful for even just a note
.
That
feeling of gratefulness was later traded
in
for rage at a man who le
f
t me
to
shoulder th
e
responsibility all by m
yself
.
However, time proved that things happen for a reason
.
Had I stayed with Tony, life would have been very different for Joey and me
.
Because he was out of our lives, I was free to raise Joey in a healthy environment, allowing my fami
ly
’s values
to
be the primary influence on my son’s young life
.
And, of course, my new path in life led me to John
, a man who showed me what love was supposed to feel like.

I
beg
an to view Tony for who he was
:
the
man
who was meant to create Joey
,
and nothing more
.
F
or that, I would always be thankful for his part in my life.

“Sorry for barging in,” I apologized
to Joey
.
“But
you didn’t answer
.
Besides,
you know you’re not supposed to b
e
on the headset until after eight
o’clock,” I
reminded him
, citing the rule we had agreed upon to ensure he wasn’t waking the house with his ear
ly
morning videogame play.

“It’s after eight
now,” Joey pointed out, nodding toward the clock
that lay
on
the
floor
beside his bed
.
Even upside
down I could tell it was on
ly
two
minutes past
eight o’clock
.

“Fine, it’s eight
now
.
But
I know you started playing much earlier than you were supposed to
.
Sam has already knocked on our door to complain.”

“Well, I figured since you guys were already awake, no one would mind,” he said
.
I blushed, ducking my head
.
Was everyone aware of what John and I had been doing that morning? 
I was embarrassed that Joey would be scarred by images of his mom in an intimate moment
.
But when I looked back,
his
attention was
once again
diverted by the images on the screen.

“What are you playing, anyway?” I asked him, settling on the edge of the bed
.
Joey’s face lightened at my sudden curiosity in his game, and he moved so
we were sitting next to each other
.

“It’s a game where a bunch of friends and I have to create a world and all that we want in it
.
Do you want me to show you what we have so far?” he asked
.
I nodded, amused by his enthusiasm
.
He went on to take me through the various neighborhoods he’d created in the town, complete with homes that were
similar, holding
only slight
differences to set each home apart from the others
.
The roads were all
in line
,
embellished along the sides with
bushes and
trees
.
Some
held a seasonal theme, and I smiled when I saw one
street dedicated to Christmas, his favorite holiday
.
A large lake stood off in the distance, and the screen travele
d towards it at lightning speed, revealing
the wildlife that surrounded the body of water and
a
small cabin he had placed next to it.

“This is where I live,” he explained, and he opened the door to the home
.
The inside was bigger
than the outside had indicated
.
The walls were lined with bookshelves, and I marveled at the detail that included favorite titles of books we had in our real
-
life home
.
A large kitchen stood off to the right
.
F
rom the black and white checkered floors to the kitchen island with copper pans hanging overhead
, it appeared similar to the type of kitchen I had always dreamed of having
.
There was even a picture window overlooking the lake
.
I
glanced
at him
sideways
and he
gave me a s
ly
wink
.
“Hey, I hear things too
.
”

“You’ll have to show this to John before he starts working on the kitchen in our
new
home
in
San Anselmo
,” I said in all seriousness.

T
he center of the house
held
a large spiral staircase, and Joey led us up to the second floor
.
We passed through
a large room with a fireplace and a huge bathtub behind glass walls
before
we continued
our ascent
to the third floor from the staircase
.
At last
we
reached the top floor
.
The outer walls were all glass,
allowing
a panoramic view of
the whole world
he and his friends had created
in
its entire
expanse
.
Close by was the lake, rippl
ing
under the electronic sun while mirroring the green
of the surrounding hills
.
The entire town stood off in the distance beyond the serene country. 
I
could almost imagine
all
the
activity
that existed in the
industrious city he had created
.
But I was puzzled as to why Joey chose to keep his home separate from the
town, placing his house far away instead of in the midst of all the excitement
.

“When you’re inside the world, you can on
ly
see what’s right in front of you
.
But on the edge of the world, you can see everything that’s going on in it,” he explained.

He began to get lost in tinkering with a few improvements in his virtual home until I reminded him that we had an appointment for him to try on his suit that morning
.
Joey groaned, ready to give a fight, but I stopped him before he even spoke.

“I’m not going to argue with you
.
We set this date weeks ago and I let you know about it then
.
There’s on
ly
so much time before the wedding, and I’d appreciate it if you would just go along with all these plans instead of fighting me on them
.
Can you just start getting ready?” He closed his mouth and nodded, placing
his game controller
on the bed
.
I snatched
it
up
at once
.

“But
,
Mom!  Come on!” he protested.

“I’m not taking
it
away
.
” I
headed out t
he door to
go
get myself ready, and called over my shoulder,
“
I’m just holding on to
it
as motivation for you to get ready
.
You can have
the controller
back when we get home.”

With
just
a few weeks left
until
the wedding, I was feel
ing
crunched for time
.
I
had snatched up the controllers and high-tailed it away from
Joey
—
now sulking in his room
—
in
an
effort to avoid a long and drawn
-
out argument
,
and to
manipulate him into moving fast
.
I
t wasn’t the first time
I’d resorted to such measures
.
It seemed as though every
one of my
thought
s
and action
s
needed to be rushed, to the point where I felt like a million jumbled ideas were electrocuting my brain in tiny shock waves
.
I just didn’t possess the patience for hesitation.

Yet,
in the midst of the stress over how much was still left to do in such a short amount of time, I was also aware of my excitement about being married to John in just a few short weeks.

The dress l
ay hidden in my closet, a size four
ivory lace gown
with a slender
fit past my waist, hugging my hips while flaring out towards the bottom
.
I had been afraid to try it on
when I first saw it at the bridal shop
,
certain that
I needed something to hide the natural curves of motherhood no amount of exercise or diet could reduce
.
But the gown
complimented
the curves of
my body, reminding me of one of those brides in the magazines who were airbrushed into perfection.

That is, if they used more mature brides to model their wedding gowns.

Being in my mid-thirties, I’d developed a sense of reality about my looks
.
I wasn’t getting any younger
.
While time had been kind to me, I could still see where gravity was starting to rear its ug
ly
head and how my younger years of sun worship were appearing in fine lines around my eyes
.
Even a few sparklers were manifesting in my
tawny
brown hair, resulting in month
ly
treatments of hair color to hide what I considered premature signs of aging.

But I had accepted that I wasn’t going to be one of those child-like brides that showcased their doe-eyed innocence under a veil of white
.
This was a second marriage for both of us,
and we were trading in
the nai
vety we’
d possessed the first go-around for a union of equality and mutual respect
—and love
.
I’d take my slight
ly
older appearance any day if it meant I could marry a man who loved me like John did.

And he did love me, caring for me in a way I had never been
treated
before. From the moment I first laid eyes on him, I knew he was different.

* * * *

He
had walked into my flower shop, lost among the cases of roses and lilies behind the glass.

“Can I help you?” I asked him
.
H
e stood with h
is back to me, and I ignored the distinct broadness of his shoulders that tapered down to a slim
waist with a
shirt tucked in
to his jeans.
Most
of
m
y walk-in customers
were
men
, searching
for flowers
because they were brand new in a relationship and wanted to impress their girl
,
or because they had messed up and were looking for the quickest way out of the dog house
.
Working
in a profession that catered to already
-
attached men would have been rather depressing
for most single mother
s
.
But
I had sworn
off men and all their complications years before,
and
I was more than happy to help a few guys out in the love
department
.
Because of this
, I could cater to the most attractive man without stammering under his smoldering gaze.