A Tiger in Eden (14 page)
The main fun for me at the start was trying to guess where everyone was from just by looking at them. There was this dead stern young lad who always wore black T-shirts and shorts and wee square glasses, he looked German to me though he gave me the nod so maybe he thought I was one of his lot, then there was this aul fella about fifty or something in the cell next to mine I thought maybe he was from Eastern Europe, he looked uncomfortable but soldiering on. He waved me over that first night he was pointing at something on the wooden shutter of his window it was a big fuck-off wasp sort of thing with giant wings and a big stinger coming out its arse like a fucking pterodactyl or something so it was, I near swore out loud but just mouthed fuck me instead, he got my meaning all right, have we got a bucket for them I was thinking.
The first night was murder sure but what could you expect it was dead hot in the cell I lay naked on my back on the aul wooden board trying to sleep with my head wedged into their excuse for a pillow, fuck me it was like being tortured or something, you couldn’t turn over on your side or nothing ‘cos that was too sore. I only slept in fits and starts but at least I got some kip unlike most of the others by the looks of them the next morning. These aul bells started ringing not like church bells back home but more of a low donging sound, quite nice if it wasn’t waking ye up at four in the fucking morning sure that’s the middle of the night. Anyway I got up I was already awake threw some clothes on and wandered out, there
was only about half the fellas up the rest must of been dead to the world, it was like the zombie apocalypse or something seeing everyone drag their heels down to the temple.
Everyone took a spot, we were all in rows the men on one side of the hall the women on the other, there was more of them than there was of us now probably about thirty people missing altogether out of the hundred, half of them staggered in a while later but we must of lost fifteen people already that first morning fucking soft cunts get out of your bed there should of been a job kicking people out of their bunks, sure I’d of volunteered for that I’d of made a good sergeant major so I would.
I watched what the others were doing ‘cos some of them seemed to know the score, basically you had to sit on the ground with your legs crossed and your back straight your hands resting on your knees, it was all right I didn’t mind it sure I was in good shape and all but after an hour my knees and my arse were sore and I had to keep changing sides and stretching my legs out in front of me. Some monk was chanting up the front, it was a bit weird at first but after a while the tones of it relaxed me though I was dying to try it out myself and see if I could make them noises. I noticed pretty much everybody had their eyes closed, a few were nodding off but most seemed to be just concentrating on your man’s umming and ahhing up the front. I tried it but when I closed my eyes my mind was buzzing full of stuff I’d done
recently going over it and ‘membering what I said only saying it better you know the way you do.
I was glad when it ended, I was nodding off too sure I was knackered from not getting much sleep. The sun was just coming up over the horizon, it was dead good seeing the sky turn from black to purple and then red and orange. We had a yoga class then but the teacher wasn’t a monk he was one of us that must of been his chore for the week to teach the yoga, it meant he had to speak to explain what he was doing he was American but he says he wanted to speak less every morning as we learned the routine and eventually do the whole thing in silence, aye good luck with that, I was thinking. It went on for an hour and I didn’t think I’d be able to ‘member all the moves but he was right sure enough by about day four I had it down and so did all the other lads and he was able to shut his gob. Some of the moves were hard even though I was fit as fuck sure I couldn’t do them, stretching dead far till you thought your tendons would snap I was sweating so I was. I always thought the yoga was a load of aul hippy shite, no one told me it was a workout. After a couple of days I was dead into it though and practising in my cell sure I could near get my legs behind my head flexible as fuck it turns out, who knew sure I could always find work as a stripper if nothing else worked out.
I was never so happy to get breakfast in me sure I was starving, it was just vegetables and rice but it tasted lovely so it did all washed down with soy milk served to
ye out of a big vat, it tasted funny but I got used to that too and by the end I loved the stuff they sell it in the 7-Eleven in Bangkok in wee Coke bottles, I was addicted.
There was a big tall monk living there who wasn’t Thai at all he was English though he’d been there for donkeys he gave the first lecture all about the Buddhism, it was quite interesting so it was and he was pretty funny the Buddhists seemed to like having a laugh not like the other religions sure it’s all fire and brimstone and you’re going to Hell for being a cunt, step out of line and you’ll get a red-hot poker up your arse. The Buddhists were different, they just had this sort of aye whatever attitude don’t worry about the future or the past sure where are you right now. I liked that so I did sure that was more like how I’d been living anyway not knowing where I was going in life and not worrying about it too much, it was the big unknown for me sure I didn’t have a clue. The past was my problem but your man talked about that too it was a bit of a worry for me given all I’d done but sure everybody’s got things they want to forget, just ‘cos mine are a bit fucked up it doesn’t make me special or nothing.
Anyway he says doing the meditation was all about focusing your mind on the present and every time you start to imagine what you’re going to do next week or what you’re going to say to who just snap out of it and come back to the moment, the same if you’re dwelling on the past sure that’s behind ye and there’s fuck all you can do about it so why do your head in worrying
about it. Up until lunchtime we all tried it that’s when I saw my head was like a non-stop party people running around shouting and screaming music playing and bits of films I’d seen stuff people said to me and girls sweat dripping off of their tits it was fucking mayhem so it was pure chaos like no sense to it at all and amongst it was all the bad stuff wee snippets that jumped to the foreground now and then of me knocking the fuck out of some Catholic lad tied to a chair or someone falling in a crowd after getting hit in the head by a brick I’d chucked or the sound of a drill bit going through some poor cunt’s kneecap and worst of all I mean scary as fuck puts all the rest to shame was the face of our Mark lying on the cobblestones.
I had to snap out of it and lie back on the ground for a bit. I was soaked with sweat and my heart was pounding in my chest, holy fuck I was thinking this is wild worse than any drug I don’t know if I’m going to make it through this no wonder half the people drop out. I calmed myself down thinking come on Billy I mean Will sure you’re a hard cunt you can take it. I knew that was true at least. I looked around from where I was lying and there must of been about ten people sobbing fucking hardcore the Buddhism I was thinking this enlightenment stuff better be worth it.
The aul walking meditation was the hardest for me sure I just couldn’t concentrate you were supposed to pick a wee strip of grass and pace back and forth dead slow and I mean like you’re walking in slow motion or something, fuck me I was thinking if anyone could see the lot of us ninety-odd people with one foot in the air they’d think it was the ministry of funny walks or something. I tried it again and again but it just struck me as dumb so I gave up and went for a wander instead, the monk said you could do that if you weren’t into it there was plenty to see and gawk at so just dander around observing sort of thing looking at all the wee details the bounty of nature or whatever.
I quite liked doing that actually though I couldn’t do the meditation at the same time, I had to be sitting
down concentrating for that but it was good stretching the aul sore knees. There was all sorts of bugs and creepy crawlies to look at I didn’t know what half of them were, flying things and worms with funny colours on their backs and an orange spider inside this aul log waiting for his lunch to come along, the place was alive so it was but my favourite was the ants I could watch them all day. I followed their trail sure it was about a mile long they must of had some serious business to attend to, there was a million of the wee cunts going along in a line some of them were carrying wee bits of leaves the hard workers obviously, I don’t know what the rest were up to going to or from their work I suppose. Fuck they’re amazing so they are in a world of their own they don’t give a fuck about us humans and our aul problems, they’ve got attitude too this big red one crawled past me I was sitting on the ground watching them and he must of seen me or something, the wee bastard stops and looks right up at me as if to say what the fuck do you want fuck off out of here or I’ll bite ye. I’m about a thousand times his size or something, I could crush him no bother and he still comes at me all threatening like did you not hear me get to fuck. I jumped up thinking, aye all right pal take it easy I’m going now. I had to sit somewhere else and hope he didn’t come back, the wee fucker set of balls on him like.
By the time evening come and the hot springs was on the menu I was raring to go the place was supposed to chill you out but I was full of beans so I was, I felt quite
good about everything and I wanted to have an aul craic with the lads but it was frustrating sure you couldn’t say nothing. Anyway the hot springs was just a big pit in the ground you could only get about a dozen people in there at once, it wasn’t very big but it was boiling so it was and dead salty sure you could float on your back no bother if there was room. All these dead-serious-looking cunts were in there you know the type westerners that think because they’re into the eastern mysticism and all that they’re better than everybody looking down at ye as if to say I’m on a higher plain than you or something. I reckoned they’d missed the point completely sure the monk said Buddhists treated everyone equal I felt like slapping a few lugs but instead I done a few laps of the pool like I said it wasn’t very big and it wasn’t made for swimming but I didn’t care I had to get rid of some energy. The serious cunts were all looking at me like I shouldn’t of been swimming ‘cos that was against the rules or something I was meant to just sit there contemplating the universe sure I’d been doing that all day. I went back and forth a few times fuck it was hot and then your man from the cell next door to me arrives with a big smile on his face I was glad to see him, at least he seemed not to be taking everything so seriously. He lowered himself in and goes, ooh ahh at the heat of it and the others all glared at him like you’re not supposed to make any sounds ‘cos that’s breaking your vow of silence, fuck me I was thinking, leave him alone sure if you got bit on the arse by one of them centipedes I’d like to see ye keeping
quiet then sure you’d be jumping around going fuck me, where’s the doctor, get me a helicopter, fucking hurry up.
Anyway your man next door nods at me smiling and watches me swimming for a bit then taps me on the shoulder and waves his finger not like telling me off or nothing but with a look of concern on his face like watch yourself it’s a bit hot for that. Him and me were getting a good non-verbal understanding I don’t know why but I nods back thanks at him and climbed out, I’d had enough anyway. I walked back towards the cells it was a warm night and as I was walking I started sweating and getting dizzy fuck me I was thinking I’m going to pass out here so I hurried up back to my one-bunk Hilton.
As soon as I got in I had to lie down on the stone floor I was burning up my temperature went through the roof the sweat was literally pouring off me into a puddle on the ground. Stupid bastard, I was thinking, what’d ye swim in that hot water for now you’re fucked I was worried for about five minutes that I was melting or at least that I’d done some damage to myself overheated the aul ticker or something. Thank fuck the floor was just concrete and quite cold that cooled me down so it did, I lay there for about half an hour until it was safe to get up my legs were dead wobbly and I drunk about a litre of water straight down so I wouldn’t die of the dehydration the floor was soaking so it was. Don’t be swimming in the hot springs in future I told myself you’re not at fucking Club Med here.
No wonder some burst into tears their first day, sure
by day three I was in trouble myself. The only thing that was keeping me from drowning in my own head was exercising and doing the yoga and that, even when we were meant to be resting I done it just to keep my mind off of things. You know how there’s those films like
The Poseidon Adventure
where some big ocean liner gets caught in a storm out to sea and the whole thing gets turned upside down and people are falling all over the place and getting killed and there’s only a couple of aul survivors the usual types, an action man to lead them out a sexy woman some aul couple who’re not gonna make it and maybe a dog or something. Well that’s what it was like inside my noggin all upside down shite flying everywhere the whole thing disorientating only there was no Gene Hackman to sort it all out, fuck sake where’s the Hackman when you need him?
