A Walk in Heaven (32 page)

“I know, but it’s hard not to compare. Emma hurt me badly.”

“Truthfully, Josh, how do you feel about Careen? What is your heart telling you?”

Joshua smiled. “My heart tells me that I love her, that I want her by my side for the rest of my life.”

William squeezed his son’s arm. “Then do what your heart tells you. Marriage isn’t a permanent fix to life’s problems, you know.” He winked. “But it sure makes life easier working to figure out those problems with the woman you love.”

Joshua grinned at his father.
What a wise man.
Nodding, Joshua glanced over his shoulder toward Careen again. This time her eyes were turned his way. She smiled brightly, and he returned the gesture.

“Pa?” He switched his focus back to his father. “It’s too soon to tell her, though. It’s too soon to tell anyone. She’s in mourning.”

William grumbled. “Well, if you ask me, the mourning period is way too long for people who are in love. I’ll have to discuss this with Ma. It’s really up to the family how long we will be in mourning, you know.”

Joshua laughed and urged his horse into a gallop, riding ahead of the herd. The sun dipped in the horizon, and they needed to bring the cattle to a stop to camp for the night.

It took a while, which was normal, but they finally got the herd settled then made camp for the night. While Jackson prepared their meal, Joshua sat by the fire stirring the embers with a stick. Gage leaned against a tree and played his harmonica. William stood with Peter and a few of the ranch hands telling them what they needed to do during the drive for the next couple of days.

Careen and Betsy strolled wearily to the fire. Careen sat by Joshua and leaned against him.

“I’m exhausted and sore,” she exclaimed.

“I knew you would be. Tomorrow, why don’t you plan on riding in Jackson’s wagon? I’m sure the old man would love your company.”

“The way I’m feeling now, that sounds like a most pleasant prospect.”

He patted her knee. “Dinner will be ready soon. You’re probably famished.”

“Actually,” she tilted her head up to gaze into his face, “I’m more tired than hungry.”

“Still, I think you should eat a little something. It will help you sleep better.”

“Of course, you’re right, but I fear I’ll fall asleep in my food.” She smiled wearily. “I’m just too tired to eat.”

When the others moseyed closer to the fire, she pulled away from Joshua. Pain wrenched his chest, and his arms ached to hold her like a husband would take care of his wife. At the same time, he feared his brothers would recognize the tender expression Joshua knew was on his face whenever Careen came near, and his sibling wouldn’t understand. Was Matthew watching from heaven and judging Joshua?

She gave her excuses and hugged Pa before going into her tent.

The rest of them ate in silence. Once in a while Pa said something and either Gage or Peter answered back. A few times Betsy said something, but from everyone’s hesitant reactions, Joshua realized they were all exhausted.

Soon Betsy bid everyone goodnight and retired to Careen’s tent. Joshua muttered an excuse and quickly left the campfire, wandering into the thicket of trees to be alone with his thoughts.

Although the sun had settled, Joshua knew his mind would not. First he needed to search his heart and seek for a way to forget how he doubted Careen’s trust. The love for her was there, but a marriage without trust would not work.

It bothered him to think he’d act like a love-struck schoolboy until their wedding day – whenever that would be. He’d never really been in love – not even with his first wife. He’d been infatuated a time or two in his life, but never truly in love. But he could honestly say he loved Careen with all of his heart, and would do anything to have her as his wife.

His vision had already adjusted to the shadows, but he listened for any sounds that seemed unfamiliar since he was this far away from the campfire. The cows rustled more than what they should in his opinion. He listened to the night sounds closer. If a wolf was nearby, he’d hear him moving around by now. But he heard nothing of the sort. Suddenly, the night’s insects had stopped. Joshua froze. Something – or someone – was out here.

He wrapped his fingers around the butt of his holstered pistol took careful steps. Occasionally he stepped on a twig or moved against a bush, but those were his sounds, not what he sought. He stood still, willing the sound to stop so he could hear
better
. When he did, he heard…a tummy’s hunger groan?

Then he smelled something different.
Flowers?
He inhaled deeper. Not just any flower, lilacs. Yet, there weren’t any lilac bushes around. He sniffed again. The scent wasn’t just any lilac aroma, but… Smiling, he released his hold on the pistol and leaned back against a tree, folding his arms.

Careen stood as still as she could behind a tree, her heart pounding so hard she feared Joshua would hear. But then her stomach decided to growl with hunger instead. Still, she hoped it wasn’t that loud. She watched his shadow, wondering what he’d do next. Would he be upset at her for wanting to spend a few moments alone? Even as tired as she was, sleep would not come until Joshua held her – and a goodnight kiss would be nice as well.

He sighed deeply. “Careen? You can come out now. I can smell you.”

Smell me?
She lifted her arm and sniffed. What could he smell? She’d dabbed a little of lilac water on herself before leaving the tent a few minutes ago.

“Please come out now. I know you’re here.”

She stepped from around the tree, and hurried toward him. A small amount of the quarter moon highlighted his face, showing his tender smile. Her heart melted.

“Hello, Joshua.”

He shook his head. “I thought you were supposed to be in your bedroll asleep.”

She shrugged. “I couldn’t sleep. I missed you today.”

“Missed me? I was in plain sight the whole day.”

“I know,” she said, taking a step closer. “I just missed being alone with you.”

Walking closer, he closed the space between them. He cupped her face, leaned in and briefly kissed her lips. “I missed being alone with you, as well.”

She snuggled against his hand, covering her cheek. “What do you suppose we should do about it?”

“I think we’re working on the problem right now.”

This time when he kissed her, she flung her arms around his neck and fit her body against his. His hands splayed over her back as he tightened his hold. Tenderly, his mouth moved over hers, slowly stroking passion inside her exhausted body. Surprisingly, her body came awake with urgency – urgency to hold and kiss him for hours into the night.

Although she knew this was wrong, it felt so right to be here with him, kissing him endlessly as if neither of them had a care in the world.

His kiss trailed across her cheek to her ear where he nibbled lightly on her lobe. “Oh, Joshua,” she sighed. “Being here with you is where I
need
to be.
Where I
want
to be.
You make me feel safe.
Comforted.
A feeling I thought I’d never have.”

Joshua didn’t reply, just kept his lips moving over her ear then down her throat. She tilted her head back and moaned softly. “Joshua, I have been fighting my feelings for you and pushing you away, only because I worried that eventually I’d have to leave this place. But your family has made me feel welcome here. And the truth is…I’m in love with you, and I couldn’t stay away from you.”

His head lifted as he stared deeply into her eyes. He cupped her face again, his thumbs stroking her bottom lip. “Oh, Careen,” he whispered before leaving a brief kiss on her mouth. “I love you, too, and I want you with me.
Always.”

Her heart sang with joy and she tightened the embrace. This time when their mouths met, the kiss lasted longer – became deeper with emotion. She held to him, enjoying the wildness that surged through her. When he slowed the kiss, he picked her up and twirled her around. He smiled against her mouth.

“I can’t believe the happiness I feel right now,” he said.

She laughed and withdrew, but stayed in his arms. “I feel it as well.”

“Although my mind hasn’t been focused on the cattle drive, I wouldn’t have you anywhere else but beside me.”

“Good.” She kissed his chin. “Because you would have had to hog-tie me to Jackson’s wagon just to keep me away from you.”

“If I had it my way, you’d ride with me on my horse for the rest of the trip, but that wouldn’t be good for either of us.”

Careen giggled. “No, it wouldn’t. Too many questions would arise, I think.”

He caressed her cheek. “How I wish we could let everyone know our feelings.” He grinned.
“Although Pa already knows.”

She gasped. Uncertainty skipped her heart a beat. “He does?”

“Yes.”

“What did he say?”

Joshua took her back into his embrace. “He thinks the mourning period is too long because we’re in love, and he’s going to speak with Ma about it.”

“Indeed? That’s almost too good to be true.”

“Having you here in my arms is like a dream come true.”

Her heart softened again. She loved feeling this giddy. “Then I pray our dreams will last forever and ever because I don’t want this to end.”

“It won’t. Trust me.”

* * * *

The next morning, the
Graysons
started their trek early. From what Joshua could detect, only he and Careen were sleepy-eyed. Everyone else seemed to be wide-eyed and refreshed.

Careen rode with Jackson today, and their laughter could be heard over the cows. Joshua smiled, wishing he could travel beside them and join in their merriment. Often, his attention veered her way and he would catch her watching him with so much tender emotion on her expression. His heart leapt, and he counted the minutes until he’d get to hold her again.

“Joshua, hold up a minute,” Peter called as he galloped closer.

Groaning, Joshua slowed his horse and let his brother catch up. This past week, Joshua had noticed the way his brother kept a close watch on Careen. Joshua had a feeling he knew what his brother wanted to talk to him about.

“Is anything wrong?” Joshua asked when Peter reached his side.

“I just wanted to talk to you about something that has been on my mind lately.”

“What is that?”

Peter cocked his head, and narrowed his gaze as he bounced up and down with the rhythm of the trotting horse. “I’ve wondered why my brother pretends to be annoyed with a woman he secretly loves.”

Here it comes.
Joshua tried not to roll his eyes. “And, why should this bother you?”

“Because I’ve come to care for Careen.
More than I should as her brother-in-law.”

Joshua nodded. “That makes two of us, then.”

Peter huffed. “When Careen first arrived, I couldn’t understand why you were so annoyed with her. But lately I’ve noticed that certain gleam in your eyes when she’s around. So now I want to know what’s going on between the two of you.”

“What are you saying, Peter? You don’t like the fact that you now have competition?”

Peter scowled. “There is no competition, Joshua. As long as Careen thinks you’re sweet on her she’s not going to look elsewhere. It’s been like that all along. All of the girls Matthew liked would always stare at you with dreamy eyes. Apparently, nothing has changed.”

Grumbling, Joshua removed his hat and swiped his fingers through his hair. “I know this, Peter, but I haven’t done it intentionally. How do you think I felt when I realized I had feeling for Careen? Guilt nearly ate away at me because I thought I was betraying Matthew in some way.” He shook his head. “What do you want me to do? Stop loving her just to give you a chance at wooing her?”

“What?” Peter pulled his horse to a complete stop. “You’re in love with her?
Already?”

Joshua stopped Socrates. He peered toward Jackson’s wagon to catch a glimpse of Careen again. She visited with Betsy who rode beside the wagon.

“Yeah, Peter. I don’t know how it happened or when, but it did. I fought it like mad because I didn’t want to be in love with one of Matthew’s girls. But I fell in love with her anyway – and she fell in love with me.”

Peter frowned. “She’s actually told you that?”

Joshua met his brother’s eyes. “Yes. We’ve already admitted our feelings to each other.”

Shaking his head, Peter swiped his sleeve across his sweated brow. “Well, if you have already told each other your feelings, there’s only one thing to do.” He glared.

Joshua’s heart dropped.
Now what?

He waited for his brother’s verbal abuse. Like Matthew, Peter had a temper and said things he didn’t mean. Later he’d apologize, Joshua was certain, but now he just need to remember his brother was hurt and angry. If roles were reversed, Joshua would feel the same way.

Slowly, the corners of Peter’s mouth stretched into a smile. “I suppose it’s time to be the bigger man and give my congratulations to the happy couple.”

Joshua shook his head, knowing he hadn’t heard correctly. Where was Peter? And if this person in his brother’s body was really Peter, why was he acting this way?

Peter chuckled and slapped Joshua on the back. “I can tell my comment took you by surprise. Well, I’ll just let it sink in while I go ride off and do my job. Just thought I’d let you know I’m happy for you. I’m happy Careen will remain in the family. She’s a good, kind-hearted woman.”

Still in shock, Joshua watched his brother leave. Finally, reality set in and he laughed. Peter surprised him. At least Joshua wouldn’t have to hear Peter’s anger. And it was good to know his brother didn’t hate him for loving Careen.

The day moved slowly, only because Joshua wanted to be alone with Careen – to hold her hand or kiss her lips. When her eyes met his, he could read her thoughts.
Her love shown through her eyes like a beacon, bringing light into his heart.

The lunch meal passed too quickly. Although she sat next to him, and he was able to hold her hand, he still couldn’t take her in his arms the way he wanted. The sooner they could get these cows to their new owner, the better.

Peter must have said something to Gage because the younger brother passed Joshua and Careen a wide smile of approval.

When they stopped to camp that night, Careen sat bundled in a blanket next to the fire. Joshua sat beside her and held her, sharing his body heat. She rested her head on his shoulder, but not a lot was said. Not even from his brothers, father, or the ranch hands.

Gage pulled out his harmonica and played a relaxing tune. Joshua wanted nothing more than to crawl into his tent and sleep next to Careen on his bedroll. Thank heavens his father wouldn’t allow it, Joshua thought with a chuckle.

“I think it’s time to retire for the night,” she said to Joshua.

He withdrew only far enough to look into her tired eyes. “You’re an amazing woman, Careen.”

She grinned. “Why do you say that?”

“To keep up with all of us today during the drive, and not once did you complain.”

She chuckled. “You forget
,
I rode in the wagon most of the time. Tomorrow I plan on riding my horse, so you may hear me complain tomorrow.”

“I won’t mind one bit.”

He stood and pulled her with him then walked her to his tent. “Rest yourself tonight, sweetheart.” He kissed her lips briefly. “And have pleasant dreams.”

“I always have pleasant dreams when you’re in them.”

Joshua couldn’t help it, and kissed her once again, making this one longer. He loved her so much he wanted to express his feelings always. This was so different from the way he was while married to Emma, and he cherished the newfound emotion.

It wasn’t until he heard his father clear his throat loudly and his brothers’ laughter, when Joshua realized it was time to stop. He pulled away and gazed down at Careen. A red color brightened her cheeks, spreading throughout her face the longer everyone laughed.