A Will To Change (Hope) (35 page)

It didn’t take much convincing for the guys to talk me into going to Clancy’s after our shift was over. Drinking seemed to be the only thing that helped me forget about her or the fact that she never returned my phone call. Something made me look over at the couple that had just walked in and I had to do a double take.
Gabby
…looking just as adorable as ever. I tried checking out the guy she was with as best as I could before turning around. I couldn’t sit there any longer knowing that she was just a few feet away. I had to talk to her. I wanted to talk to her. I
needed
to talk to her.

“I’ll be right back,” I said to Peterson and Tim.

I took a deep breath and walked over to the table where they were sitting. “Hey.”

She peaked up from her menu, looking a little surprised before flashing me a nervous smile. “Will!” Her voice quivered and I could see her hands shaking. “Marcus, this is my friend, Will. Will, this is Marcus.”

He stood up and shook my hand just as his phone began to ring. “Dr. Emerson,” he answered.
Ouch, a doctor.

“Excuse me for one second, Gabby. I have to take this call,” he said before he stepped outside.

Gabby looked up at me with sadness in her eyes, putting on her best smile. “So, are you pissed at me or something?” I asked.

“What? No, I've just been busy, that's all.”

I raised my eyebrow. “Well, you obviously aren't that busy if you have time to go out on a date with ‘Dr. Emerson’.” I immediately regretted the sarcasm in my voice.

“Will, are we really going to go there again?”

“No. I'm sorry.”

I got annoyed when I saw her doctor friend walk back in. I wanted more time to talk to her. “Gabby, I am so sorry. Can I give you a rain check on dinner? My daughter fell roller blading and may have broken her arm.”

“Oh no. Go. It’s no problem,” Gabby said.

“Okay, great. Hey, nice meeting you, Bill,” he shouted as he was halfway out the door.

I looked at Gabby, who was giggling over his little error on my name. God, I missed that smile so much. “So, now that you got stood up, hang out with us.”

“Um, no. I’m really tired. I didn’t feel like coming out in the first place. I just want to head home and go to sleep.”

“Well, I was hopin’ that we could hang out again soon. I miss you, Gabby. When do you have off again?” I asked.

She shook her head. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know when you have off again?”

I could see the tears welling up in her eyes, and it was tearing me up inside. “Will, I can’t,” she whispered.

Her words stung. “You can’t what?” She looked away and choked back a sob. “You can’t what, Gabby?!” I shouted.

She finally turned her head back to me. “I can’t be friends with you anymore.” Her voice was cracking with emotion.

“What?! Gabby, what the fuck are you talking about? What, does your fuckin’ doctor boyfriend tell you who you can and cannot talk to? Do you let him smack you around like the last one did?” I knew I shouldn’t have said it, and the look on her face confirmed it.

Her jaw dropped and the tears were now streaming down her face. “I’m sorry, Gabby -.” She got up from the table and ran off to the bathroom. I ran after her, following her in, ignoring the dirty looks that the two women exiting had given me.

“Will, get out of here!” Gabby shouted.

“No. I’m not leaving until you talk to me, Gabby.” I moved closer to her, breathing in her sweet scent. “Why can’t we be friends anymore?”

She began to cry even harder. “I can’t do it anymore, Will.”

“Can’t do what?”

“Pretending that I’m okay watching other women throwing themselves at you, pretending that I’m okay when you tell me all about your sex life with them and, most of all, pretending that I’m not in love with you.”

I didn’t know how to react. I stared at her as she tried to pull it together. I lifted my hand to her face and caressed her baby soft skin. “Gabby, I’m so sorry.” Her lips were so close to mine that I could almost taste them. I bent down and placed a soft gentle kiss on her mouth. “I can’t lose you, Gabby. I need you in my life. You’re my best friend.”

“Will, don’t do this, please?” She began to sob.

“Gabby, don’t
you
do this!” The thought of losing her forever put me into a complete panic.

“Damn it, Will! I don’t want to be just your best friend. I want to be something more, but I never will be.”

Tell her, you idiot! Tell her how you feel!
I took her face in my hands and pulled her to me. I placed my lips on hers, kissing her hard, forcing my tongue into her mouth. Even though she tried to resist, it was only a matter of seconds before her tongue was moving in unison with mine. I pushed her up against the wall and ran my hands through her hair. Everything inside of me wanted her and, unlike last time, I wasn’t going to stop. I never
needed
a woman before, but I needed Gabby.

She began to struggle and finally pushed me away. “Will, we have to stop. All we’re doing is hurting each other. This thing between us… It’s sick. You only want me right now because you can’t stand seeing me with someone else.”

I shook my head to stop her from talking, trying my hardest to get the words out. “Gabby, that’s not true. Well, actually, it is. I can’t stand seeing you with another guy because -.”

She swallowed hard and looked up at me with pleading eyes.

“Will? What’s going on?” I didn’t even turn around to the voice that had just entered the ladies room. I already knew that it was Janelle, and I didn’t have to explain myself to her. I just stared at Gabby, my hands braced against the wall, hoping that Janelle would leave so I could finally get out what I needed to say.

Gabby continued to stare up at me, looking a little defeated at the sight of Janelle. She sucked in her bottom lip and her eyes filled with tears once again. “If you really and truly care about me, Will, just let me go…forever. I need to get on with my life - without you in it,” she said, pushing past me and walking out the door.

I ran my hand through my hair. Damn it! I was so close to saying those words to her and I just let her walk out. I pulled it together the best I could and finally turned around. “Are you okay, Will?” Janelle asked.

I nodded. She grabbed my arm as I walked past her. “You’re in love with her, aren’t you?”

I looked down at the ground before looking up at her. “Yeah, I am,” I whispered.

I could see the hurt in her eyes. “Well, she’s a lucky girl,” she said, forcing a smile.

Yeah, she was a lucky girl to have some idiot who had been in love with her from the day that he first laid eyes on her, but was unable to tell her.

I walked out of the bathroom and past the guys. “Hey, Will, where ya goin’? The night is still young, buddy!”

I completely ignored them and walked outside. I dialed Gabby’s number and got her voicemail. “Gabby, please call me back. I know you’re pissed at me, but I need to talk to you.”

I stood on the sidewalk, trying to figure out what to do. My heart was telling me to go to her place and tell her exactly how I felt. The sad thing was, I never listened to my heart. I always listened to my head and, right now, my head was telling me to do what I did best - run away from the situation. I took my phone back out of my pocket and left my parent’s a voicemail. “Hey, are you guys up for company down there? I need to get away for a few days.” I hung up the phone, hoping that when I got back, I would
finally
be able to start thinking with my heart.

I threw myself down on the couch and let the tears fall. I couldn’t believe that I just ended everything we had. The one and only person I had in my life was now gone. I was alone once again, but I knew I couldn’t do this with him anymore. Every time I saw him, my want for him was greater and my heart couldn’t handle it. I was tired of being on this merry-go-round and I needed to get off, even though it hurt like hell. I ignored my ringing cell phone and headed to bed, praying for a night of uninterrupted sleep without any dreams of Will.

My chest felt heavy and I was finding it hard to breathe. “Daddy! Daddy!” I screamed. “Where are you? Please don't leave me!”

“You're the reason he's dead, Gabby. It was your fault!” my mother snapped.

“No, no, no!” I cried, looking into my mother's ice cold eyes.

I was safe again. My angel was with me, then he was gone. “Don't leave me! Don't leave me!” I screamed, watching him disappear as quickly as he came.

I sat up in my bed with sweat pouring off me, clutching to the angel that was hanging around my neck. I caught my breath, trying my best to calm myself. I got up and searched through my box of photos for my journal. I dumped the whole box on the floor, frantically digging in the dark through all of its contents. It was gone! I immediately thought back to the box that I had thrown in the dumpster the other day. How could I not have double checked to make sure that there wasn't anything important in there? I sat down on my bedroom floor and ripped my angel necklace from my neck, hurling it across the room and burying my face into my knees. I was feeling more alone than ever. My dad was gone, Will was gone and, now, so was my angel.

“Gabby, are you feeling okay?” Rochelle asked once we finally had a minute to sit down for lunch in between patients.

“Yeah, just really tired. I’m looking forward to having the next few days off.”

“How’s the new place?”

“It’s nice.”

“Well, you don’t sound too convincing.”

I shrugged my shoulders. Rochelle was the only one that I felt comfortable enough to talk to about my friendship with Will. “I guess I just have to get used to it, ya know?”

She took a sip of her water and looked at me with concern. “Get used to the apartment, or used to living without Will?”

I sighed heavily. “Both.”

“Well, it’s not like you moved to Alaska. The two of you could still hang out all the time.”

I shook my head and looked down at the table. “I…I told Will that we couldn’t be friends anymore.”