A Winter Awakening (13 page)

Jacob left the house angry and confused. Lately, being near Ellie always led to a fight. He missed her when she was gone. He longed to talk to her about options for having children. He achedto comfort her about the loss of her uncle, for a second chance to do it right and be a good husband to her.  But she came home talking about penthouses and money. Ellie had never been a materialistic woman. Was she becoming selfish?  Wasn't the life he gave her good enough anymore?

Jacob drove aimlessly for hours, trying to work out what was happening with his wife. He grew tired of this though.  Jacob was never one to sit idly or waste so much time without a purpose. But, he wasn't ready to return home and face Ellie. 

By this point, he felt shame, once again, for the anger he had displayed toward her. He wasn't ready to face her, but he was in no state of mind to go to work either. What else could he do?

He picked up his cell phone and dialed Sarina's number.  Before he had even thought through his decision, she picked up.  He just wanted someone to talk to.

"Hi, Sari," he said into the phone.

"Jacob?" she asked.

"Yes. Hey, are you free? I wondered if you would like to get some breakfast with me."

She must have sensed a sadness in his voice. 

"Yes, of course. I would do
anything
for you," she said. 

"Are you okay?" she added.

"I'll pick you up," he replied. "We can talk about it over breakfast."

Fifteen minutes later, Jacob and Sarina were headed to the next town over.

Jacob found a small cafe and asked the waitress to seat them in a corner. Once he had ordered breakfast for both of them, he relaxed a little and took a sip of his coffee. 

"Is everything okay, Jakey?" she asked.

"You cut right to the chase, don't you Sari," he replied, smiling at her.

"Only when I am worried about you," she said, placing her hand on his. He didn't pull away.

"It is Ellie," Jacob began, surprising himself at his urge to tell Sarina all about his problems. He talked about their attempts to have a baby. About her going off to Phoenix without him, not showing any hesitation at traveling without him. He talked about Ellie's absence at the burlesque show, her first night back into town.

"If she missed me, wouldn't she have sought me out?" he wondered.

Sarina had heard a lot of this the night before, but she wasn't going to stop him. If he needed to vent, she would be the one he vents to.

"If you were my husband, I wouldn't have gone to Phoenix without you, and if I did, you absolutely would have been the first thing on my mind when I got home," Sarina replied.

Jacob looked up at her then. He looked into her eyes, seeking understanding or compassion or maybe even love.   

In that moment, Sarina reminded him of Ellie, or maybe the way Ellie used to be. Need and compassion and even desire all mingled together in her expression as she looked at him. It was a similar expression on Ellie's face, years ago that made him realize he was falling in love with her. 

Sarina voice jolted him out of this memory, "Jacob, you deserve happiness."

They finished breakfast and drove back to Logan in a content silence. Jacob still worried about his relationship with Ellie, and still wondered if she was changing... becoming a selfish materialistic woman. He still felt distant from her and didn't know how to fix it.

Perhaps he had called Sarina to try and talk through these issues; to try and find a solution. But perhaps it was something else. Perhaps he simply enjoyed spending time with Sarina, because she appreciated him for the man he was. There wasn't anything wrong with that, right? As long as he didn't cross any physical boundaries with her.

As he dropped her off, he asked her if she would like to have breakfast again tomorrow. 

She said she would.

Ellie and Jacob spent the next week avoiding one another. He wasn't home much, and mumbles something about the cattle or a fence line as he walked out the door.In truth, he was spending more time with Sarina. 

She listened to him talk about Ellie, his desire for children, and his confusion about the apparent change in both Ellie and in their relationship. They talked about possible alternatives for having children. They talked about Jacob's belief in marriage and the fact that divorce was not an option for him. 

Sarina listened diligently and told him she would support him in whatever decision he made. She told him that his happiness was her top priority and she would do whatever she could to support him. And, they talked about Sarina's life too; her ex-husband, her desire for the boys to have a strong father figure, and possible solutions to her current custody battle. 

Ellie... well, let's just say that after a week of staring at her own four walls, crying under a blanket, or working through the additional paperwork Henry sent her, she was just as confused and conflicted as ever.

Why was Jacob being so distant? Just when she felt her libido waking up for more passion and desire, Jacob was withdrawing from her. She wanted to talk to him about the possibility of keeping uncle Emery's holdings. She wanted to talk to him about how they could continue to work on having a child, but find a way for her to go to work too. She wanted him to comfort her in those moments that she missed her uncle. But Jacob wasn't around. Every time she tried to bring up a topic, he disappeared. She switched tactics and tried to just talk about light hearted, unimportant things as a way to connect to him. But, this only seemed to make him angry too. 

On a Tuesday morning, Ellie was still in the same pajamas she has been wearing for three days. She tried to ignore the coffee stain as she looked at the stack of paperwork next to her on the bed.

Girl, you need to pick us all up and take us back to Phoenix,
scolded the goddess.

She always seemed to chime in just as Ellie was able to start focusing on the business paperwork Henry had sent her way. 

"Yea, well, if I can make this work, we probably will be able to spend more time there," Ellie said.

After these words escaped Ellie's mouth, she looked around to be sure she was alone. She had always talked to herself, but ever since returning from Phoenix, she found that the goddess was taking on dragonista qualities, and it was causing her to talk to herself even more.

"One of these days, someone is going to catch me talking to you,"
Ellie scolded quietly. "If that happens, I'm kicking you out of here."

The goddess retorted,
I would like to see you try.

Ellie suddenly realized she was actually carrying on a real conversation with herself. 

"I am literally going nuts," she said into the empty room.

She looked down that her stale jammies. With a sigh, she changed into something slightly more clean and headed out the door. It was time to see a few more adults, and maybe have a conversation with someone that wasn't angry at her or giving her the silent treatment. Getting out of the house might even make her feel less weepy.

Ellie headed to Willow’s coffee shop, hoping to find comfort in a familiar place. But when she walked in, nothing changed.  The aroma didn’t seem to reach her, the music seemed as though it was muffled by an unseen fog.  She closed her eyes for a moment, hoping this would allow the familiar aroma of Willow’s engulf her senses. Nothing. She opened her eyes with a sign and ordered her drink.  Maybe taste would bring her back into the real world.

She settled into her favorite seat by the window.
A perfect way to avoid conversation,
she mused to herself.  She knew that being around people might help her get out of her funk, but she wasn't sure that she was ready to actually have a conversation with one of them.

If she sat with her back to the wall of the alcove, using it as a rest, she had a perfect view of the sidewalk outside the shop. It was cozy and isolated, yet it could feel as if you were socializing, just through the act of watching people.

Miss Sensibility gave her nod of approval,
Good. This is the perfect spot for you to figure out how to fix your life!

Ahh,
said Ellie.
There you are! I haven't heard from you in a while.
She had noticed that the dragon goddess was hoarding the allotted crazy head talk. 

What are you trying to imply,
the uppity voice asked.

Ellie demanded that they both go back to the basement, or where ever they had emerged from, and leave her in peace. She made a nest of the overstuffed pillows. Ellie took a sip of her drink and glanced out the window.

She spotted Sarina walking toward the coffee shop. 

Inner Dragon hissed at the sight of her.
I don't trust that bitch.

Ellie had to admit, she did have a nagging feeling that something was off with Sarina. Ellie had always noticed a hint of insincerity, but ignored it up until now.

She had to admit, the disappearance act at the burlesque show was strange, and ever since the money disappeared, Sarina seemed to be around less as well. She was calling other people to cover her shift at Willow’s, and she didn't call Ellie with regularity anymore either. Most importantly, her intuition told her there was something off when it came to Sarina's behavior toward Jacob.

Ellie had no intention of waving her down, but didn't really have any place to hide either. She quickly picked up the paper, and became intensely interested in the Whole Foods advertisement. Out of the corner of her eye, Ellie saw Sarina stop and wave enthusiastically.

Crap.
Ellie looked up and gave Sarina a little wave and smile. She noticed Sarina's face wash over with delight as she turned into the entryway of Willow's. Ellie took another sip, and braced herself for an onslaught. 

"Oh Ellie! How fortuitous of us to run into each other.  I've got some time, can I join you?" Sarina was practically gushing.

"Oh, sure. Order your drink. I'll be here. Though, I have to warn you, I may not be much of a conversationalist today." Ellie did her best to muster up a smile for Sarina.

I do hope she won't drone on about her custody problems, or her ex-husband, the way she did at the burlesque show.

After a few moments, Sarina returned with her drink, and bounced her way up the steps, a little too full of energy for Ellie's taste. She was wearing yoga pants and a yoga top under a light weight cardigan. 

Ellie eyed her outfit.
Has she been in my closet?

Sarina settled in on the pillows directly across from Ellie. "What is it? I can see from your face that something is wrong."

Ellie tried to clear the worry that was surely showing in her forehead and lift the corner of her lips in a smile. She failed miserably. 

"Really. It is the least I can do after you comforted me at the show," persisted Sarina.  

She leaned forward and gave Ellie a pat on the knee. "We are sisters, we need to stick together. It can be a harsh world out there."

Goddess pounded on the door of the basement.
Let me out!  I need to be up here for this.

Ellie mentally unlocked the door.
What is it?

Sisters? What is she talking about? You haven't known her that long, and there has always been something off about her,
Inner Diva said.

Ellie knew she was guarded as Sarina spoke.  The pressed her back into the hard surface behind her, trying to draw strength from the wall. 

But when Sarina gave her arm another squeeze the warmth of that human touch melted her resolve to remain stoic.  She let her gaze fall on Sarina’s eyes.  Was there compassion there?  Understanding?  Could Ellie trust Sarina to comfort her in her sorrow? 

Before she could answer that question for herself words fell onto the table between them.

Ellie heard the words and knew they were her own.  She watched as Sarina absorbed them.  She felt so detached from the conversation but still, the words kept coming.  She pressed her spine up harder against the wall. 

"Oh Sarina, I just don't know what is happening. Jacob is furious at me. We had a fight before I went to Phoenix, and right after I got home too. Ever since then, we have hardly been able to say a word to one another. He is distant and seems to be avoiding me," Ellie said.

Sarina grabbed a nearby napkin, which Ellie took gratefully. Though she had no desire to cry in public she knew her tears were coming. At least a napkin may conceal this from the other patrons in the coffee shop. 

"Oh no. I'm so sorry. What could be causing him to act this way?" Sarina inquired.

"He seems to have this idea in his head that I've turned into a selfish woman and stopped caring about having a family." 

Ellie heard herself saying this as though she were listening from a table next to them. She was suddenly aware of how angry she sounded.

She took a few sips of her latte and looked out the window. 

After a moment, she looked back to Sarina. "I sound angry, don't I?" 

Sarina gave her a little grin. "You do sound angry. Where do you suppose that is coming from?"

Ellie reflected on this. 

"You know. I've got something potentially really exciting going on in my life, and I haven't even had a chance to really tell Jacob about it. I've spent our entire marriage supporting him. Now I need him to support me, and not only has he checked out of our relationship, but he is angry at me," Ellie said.

Ellie brought the napkin to her eye to let it absorb another tear.

"Well, I'm obviously not an expert on lasting relationships," said Sarina. 

"But, I can be the support you need about this exciting development. Talk to me about it! Maybe more focus on your own happiness is just what you need right now."

Well, I'll give her that at least,
the goddess chimed in.

Ellie filled Sarina in on her trip to Phoenix and the inheritance. She mentioned the handsome attorney, but left out the little bit about the elevator debacle. She talked about her ideas for the business, though only in vague terms. The goddess had convinced her not to reveal the names of the companies.

"But, here is the rub," Ellie finally said. 

"Jacob and I both," Ellie paused, unsure if she should reveal something so personal to Sarina. "Well, we both want children.  And, for some reason, we can't seem to make it happen."  Now the tears really started flowing. 

"I see," replied Sarina.

"...and" continued Ellie, "I think Jacob thinks that if I decide to pursue this business, it means I am giving up on having children."   

"Hmmm. I can see how this is a difficult situation for you," replied Sarina.

"Right. BUT, I have been studying everything I can about the business, and I think I have figured out a way that I could do both." 

"Girl, you know what you want to do!" Sarina commented.

"You are a smart, capable woman. I haven't seen you talk with this much animation for a long time. This has clearly ignited some excitement in you."

Ellie thought about this and it made sense. 

"If I do move on this, it would require the attorney's help. And he was less than impressed with me the last time we spoke," Ellie said.

But, she couldn't deny it. She really was excited about keeping the business.

"Well, I guess I could at least call Nick and see if he will come out to discuss possibilities," Ellie thought out loud.

Sarina was excited about that idea. "Yes, and let me know when he comes. I need to check this guy out! Is he single?"

Ellie chuckled at this. Sarina, just fresh out of a marriage and already asking about single men. But her worry about her marriage cut her laughter short.

Sarina noticed, "Oh Ellie, what is it now?"

"What about Jacob? Should I really be getting involved in such a time consuming project when my marriage is suffering?"  Ellie sighed.

"You are a strong, independent woman, and you need to stand up for what you want." Sarina paused, as if she were hatching a plan. 

"I tell you what. You do your thing. Leave Jacob to me.  I will have you two over for dinner. We will get it worked out." Sarina sat back smugly, as if this solved everything.

Goddess sat up straight.
What the fuck is she talking about?

That is a good question,
Ellie replied back.

"That is sweet, Sarina, but I don't think there is much you can do. This matter is... well it is between Jacob and me." 

"Oh, there is plenty I can do. Leave Jakey-poo to me. You just get him to my house for dinner next week, and I'll fix him right up."

The hell we will,
retorted goddess.

I'm sure she means well,
replied Ellie.

Means well my ass. She is crossing lines again. Not only is she getting in the middle of your private issue, but she called your husband Jakey-poo, again,
retorted goddess.